A day of rest....

Well, it was a day of pjs
Vegging
Casual conversation
Spurts of homework
And organizing.
And this is one happy foster momma for it.
And...to be honest...
Both of my girls seemed pretty happy, too.
(Then again, that might have to do with them getting to watch WAY too much TV and a movie and getting to stay in their pjs' all day and snuggle together on the couch - but heck - we all needed it today!)

This got done today!  And it feels GREAT!  Whew!

This got moved today to the door entrance from the bedroom and some news shoes of a certain 10 year old were added as well as a new backpack.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE being organized and having things in their right places.  This feels good.  It makes me happy to see it and see it full and see it used!

THREE placemats at the table!!!  LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Ignore the "storage" in the kitchen...had to find somewhere to go with the stuff from the guest bedroom closet and my abandoned classroom.  Too cheap to pay for a storage closet.  We just "live" with it here and I sit with my back to it as to not get heart palpitations every time I see it!)

Our countdown to Michigan chain (and Ms. O's official move in chain) is shrinking fast!!!

Got started on this...sort of.

But...in case you get a crazy vibe that I am super woman, here is what I still have to attack before bed.  Praying I actually do it instead of throwing it on the floor back in the closet where it's been accumulating for the few weeks.  (I've heard that phrase used to describe me a few times lately ("super woman" or "super mom" or some other FALSEHOOD).  I guess my previous blogs were too chipper, too surreal, or too Mary Poppins sounding before my sharing my mini-melt-down last week.  Forgive me for EVER giving ANYONE the wrong impression of that I am anything more than the crazy, mixed-up, screwed up, ball of a mess that I truly am!  Just a new momma, grateful for grace and for this calling.) 

Praise Report:
*I survived taking TWO girls SHOPPING into TARGET.  Enough said.

Prayer Request:
*Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.  I can't fly anywhere with Ms. O on Friday without it.  

Contentment is...

• Two sisters united under the same roof
• Two sisters giggling in the back seat
• Two sisters finishing up and filling in each others' stories
• Two sisters sleeping in twin beds in the same room
• Two sisters playing the "silent" game in the car and never once silent
• Miss M teaching Ms O all about Roses and Thorns
• Ms O roses being 1) sleeping overnight, 2) going to church, and 3) having pj day tomorrow
• Reading the bible story with one girl on my right and one of my left
• Ms. O volunteering to be the one to pray tonight before bed
• Rearranging the girls' bedroom to better accommodate two
• Walking in and out of church holding both of my girls' hands.

Prayer Requests as we step into this BIG transition:

1. It's going to be hard on Ms. O going back tomorrow night and having to wait until Thursday to be here permanently.  She's brought up that fact at this four times today already.  Please pray the days go by fast for her...but slow enough for me to finish all I need to do!
2. Ms O does not like the fact that Miss M calls me Mommy and has said more than one time something like "why do you do that", "that confuses me", or "I keep looking around for our mom when you say that", but so far Miss M is not letting up on the "mommy" label for me.  I've told Ms O, like I did Miss M when she first arrived that she could call me Maryann, Mare, or Aunt Maryann.  She's still deciding how she's going to refer to me. 
3. Miss M is already exhibiting small signs of "neglect" and "left-out" with comments like "when will it be my turn to talk", "wait, I wanted to say that", and "Ms O is better at _____ than me." 
4. Oy.  Sisters.  Love to love, love to tease, love to support, love to tear down. Been there, done that myself with my siblings - but I'm already feeling that big switch from one little girl who while she talks a lot, does like her quiet time and does play super well by herself going to 2 girls, sisters, in the same little car, same little bedroom, same little condo. 
5. Last Thursday my CFCA on-going placement worker called the girls' CPS caseworker to help me attempt to get the paperwork I need for flying, school enrollment, medical, and daycare.  I was told to email her my fax number and it would be all sent via fax.  Guess what.  No fax.  I am NOT a last minute person in ANY way, shape, or form and this being out of my control makes me a little insane to be truthful.

Sing Your Praise to the Lord...

This song has been going through my head at various times today.
(Rich Mullins or Amy Grant...you really can't go wrong).
And I have to believe God has placed it there,
I know my past few blogs have been stressed related
Overwhelming in content and theme
But God is good.
I feel the prayers of those I love.
And feel the blessings and provisions of the God I serve.

I've learned
Through years of ups and downs
And times of mountains and valleys
That if I don't focus on the praise
The funk
The worry
The depression
The thorns
Will overtake me.
Sometimes I have to just make a list of praises.
Sometimes that list is like a 1st graders listing the things they ate.
But sometimes that simplicity helps me get back on track.

Today there were some BIG praises.
New ones.
Some in the works.
Some on the horizon.

But I definitely need to be singin' my praises to my Lord!

Praise 1:
I received a conspicuous fb message from a foster friend this morning
Asking for my cross streets.
I provided them
I don't have fb access throughout the day
But when I returned home there was a new fb message
Offering to go grocery shopping for me if I just provided her with our list.
How sweet is that!
We are actually good.
It's a weird week
And while the refrigerator is more empty than usual
It was that way with some intention
It's one of those weeks where I have meetings
Or appointments
Or responsibilities that won't allow us to be home for dinner
Wednesday - Sunday night this week.
Yeah - that's might be adding to the stress this week.
:-)
May I be that in tune to others needs and someday offer similar help to a friend.
Thanks, Jen H.


Praise 2:
Miss M spent the afternoon and evening with a dear friend
And was spoiled with a homemade dinner
Games
Cat loving
And more
And my friend happens to be Miss M's art teacher.
I about had to pile her off the ceiling this morning as we left for school
She was so excited.
She was beaming from ear to ear when I picked her up.
So thankful for friends walking beside m on this journey.
May I one day do the same for others.
Thanks, Jen P.

Praise 3:
I need care for Miss M on Friday night
As I have to work the school carnival from set-up to clean-up
And I really did not want to bother a teacher friend with this task
After a long week of work
And I really wanted someone who could pick Miss M up and settle her at home in bed.
So I emailed my former school family
And so many of them offered to give up their Friday nights for me
For Miss M,
But the awesome news is that one of my friend's daughters
A recent ASU graduate
Stepped in and offered to pick up Miss M from the carnival
And take her back her and stay until I can get home.
So blessed by her
And my friends.
Thanks, Carolyn.
Thanks, Alyse.

Praise 4:
Wednesday night is Miss M's weekly phone call to her mom.
I admit
I love being a listening ear on the other end.
I admit
I respect Miss M's and Ms. O's mom
For her hard work
For her determination
For her humbleness.

Tonight the girls' mom and I talked after she talked with Miss M
We talked a little about Ms. O's visit last week and how it went
We talked about our plans for our sleep over this weekend
Then she shared an amazing story
Today at the bus stop she got into a conversation with another lady
That lady mentioned her mom was looking for someone to work as a receptionist
She gave the woman her number, hoping for a call, but truly not expecting one
She got a call a few hours later
She has an interview this Friday!!!

We talked about the Lord's provisions.
We talked about the Lord's plans.
We talked about getting "God-bumps" at His timing and His just showing up BIG time.
I shared with her the verse that was on my heart the other day
And she was encouraged as well.
(Love how God does that.)

Then as I was hanging up,
I knew God was telling me, no.
Not yet.
Pray with her first.

Now, you see - this is a big deal for me.
I used to never pray out loud for myself.
I used to never pray out loud with others.
I was raised where the men were the ones who prayed out loud.
It's taken me many years to not feel like I have to weigh every word of my prayers.
It's taken me many years to not fear that I am not address God in a "right" way.
But I know now
WITHOUT A DOUBT
That He hears my moans
My groans
My pleads
My songs
My internal thoughts
My laughter
My tears
And He takes it all as prayer.

Then I asked if I could pray for her over the phone.
It was my honor.
My pleasure.
My delight.
Me on the phone.
Her on the other line.
And me holding her little girl's hand.
Standing in the living room of my condo.
Praying for her.
Praying for her interview.
Praying for God's will for her.
All while I hold her little girl's hand.
Then
Without even thinking it
Without even process it
I told her I loved her.
And I do.
Just as much as I love her little girls.

And we hang up.
And I held it together
For Miss M's sake
Until after her shower
Until after her Bible story
Until after roses and thorns
Until I typed the BIG PRAISE here.

Sing your praise to the Lord,
Come on everybody,
Stand up and sing...one more
Hallelujah,
Give your praise to the Lord,
I can never tell you,
Just how much good...that it's
Gonna do ya

Prayer Requests:
--Please pray for the girls' mom's interview on Friday afternoon!  Pray that the Lord's will is clear to her. This would be a huge step in her life...in her independence....in her continual hard work toward being reunited with her children eventually.
--Please pray that the girls' CPS caseworker gets in touch with me and has news about the paperwork for me.  I'm trying, trying, trying not to be anxious...but it's not going so well for me.

Stress = Avoidance

When I stress
I usually obsess
And then I do it and get it done.

But then there are those
HIGH times of
BIG stress.

(Like a vacation to Michigan in 10 days (as a certain 8 year old reminds me about 20 times a day) and I have no paperwork for the 10 year old coming the day before we leave on the trip and I am trying to figuring out what clothes I need for them in order for them to be warm enough while we are there and then the house is a pig-sty and work is crazy busy, oh and these are the two weekends each year that I work, and I found out that I have to be present at the school carnival until 11pm at night on Friday night, and we have two stabilization meetings to fit in during the next week, and my hair is crazy gray and needs to be colored, and I have no clear underwear, and I have piles of returns to make, and I have bills to pay, and a new girl is coming to the house on Friday night to watch Miss M and she's going to think we live in a pit, and I forgot to charge my phone again, and my agency wants the Christmas wish list for the girls by the end of this month, and I never got groceries this week, and three nights of training that won't get us home until 7 pm or later in the next five work days, and other stuff like this.)

And when BIG stress hits me
I avoid.
I avoid cleaning.
I avoid folding.
I avoid cooking.
I avoid doing.
I avoid communicating.


Lovely?  Ha.
Effective?  Not so much.

So...the question tonight was the blog or not to blog.
Well, it wasn't really a question.
It was more of an avoidance technique
That I was trying to talk myself out of.
But, I have learned these past few months
That my blog is my head on paper
And it's a good distraction,
A welcome one
One that tends to put me back on track.

So...now I feel sufficiently guilty
And sufficiently motivated to go
And do.
And now I am tackling this
Well, these,
And two others full of towels and sheets you can't see,
Before I allow myself to go to bed.

Have I mentioned that I HATE HATE HATE folding clothes....but what I hate even more is ironing.  I think these two baskets are going to have to go back in the dryer with a wet towel. Oy vey.

 Now...despite the BIG stress

And the rambling blog above.

I have mentioned that I LOVE MY LIFE

And I LOVE walking in HIS PERFECT WILL for me.

And I have never been more peaceful and personally satisfied in my life?

Well...in case I haven't.  There you go.

Praise Reports:
Miss M is so excited about EVERYTHING in her life right now...going to a teacher friend's house tomorrow night while I am at a training, her mom visit on Saturday, Ms. O's sleepover on Saturday night, a day of hanging out on Sunday, Ms. O coming to live with us on Thursday, and then flying out on Friday.  She literally hops.

Prayer Requests:
See rant above.  :-) 

A Funk

I woke up in a funk.

I slept well,
I think.
But I woke up in a funk.

Then,
Of course,
A certain eight year old couldn't quite pull herself together this morning.
---Seriously?  18 minutes to brush your hair, get dressed, and go to the bathroom?
---Grr.

So,

I wasn't a very patient foster mother.

Then I had training all morning.
It was one of those trainings where I know
I WILL need the information
SOMEDAY
But, not today and
Honestly,
My brain can't take anymore now.

So, 

I wasn't a very attentive student.

Then I get to work.
And the same 15+ kids
Still aren't doing their homework
And the same 5+ kids
Still are being turkeys
And today
I was tired of it.

So,

I wasn't a very effective administrator.

Then I picked up a certain eight year old from after school care
Only to find out that she gave the "CHEESE TOUCH" to another kid at school.
---Seriously?
---What author thought THAT would be a good new teasing game to
---introduce to children world wide.
---Darn you Diary of a Wimpy Kid books!!!

So,

I wasn't a very understanding foster mother.

Then I brought a certain little eight year old to my office
To work on her homework
While I caught up on some odd jobs.
And,
Of course,
She was NOT in the mood to write,
Or to think,
Or to work independently in any way
Shape
Or form.
---Writing topic this week:
---Write a paragraph to a friend that describes
---Three qualities of what makes a pet a good companion.
---Oy.  I don't do pets.  (Another story for another blog.)

So,

I wasn't a very helpful 

Or patient

Or understanding foster mother.

Then we left work
And I realized I had not planned dinner.
And I realized that I couldn't even think was in the fridge.
And I drove us to the nearest Panda Express.
And we sat there and ate.
Mostly in silence.
And I gave her the iPod to play on when she was done and I wasn't.

So,

I wasn't a very engaging foster mother.

Then we came home.
And I told a certain eight year old to get ready for bed.
And we read her bedtime Bible stories.
And we played roses and thorns.
And we prayed.
And
Somewhere in the middle of that,
I realized that I hadn't taken time to
Pray
Not really pray
All day.
Nope.
I was in a funk.
And I let it take me where it wanted.
And I rode the funk all day.
Crap.
I wallowed in the funk all day.

So,

I wasn't effective or productive

Today because I never turned my
Stress
Worry
Tiredness
Listlessness
Funkyness
Whateverness
Over to My Abba Father.
Nope.
Not once.
Not truly.

Well,
Crap
Again.

Thank goodness for new mercies every morning...
And sometimes at 9:05 pm at night during some deep moments of self-reflection.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-24

Praise Reports:
--Have I truly praised enough for the WONDERFUL, GENEROUS gift of God stirring the heart of dear friend paying for Ms. O to join us in Michigan?  And not only that...but two others as well???
--Saturday was a praise worthy day in that for the first time in my life I went to Goodwill to actually look for something rather than just drop something off.  I don't say it that way in a "prideful" way, but I've just never even thought to go there for myself before and then someone mentioned that it might be a good place to look for some "fall clothes" for the girls in Michigan.  God "happened" to lead me to Goodwill on their 50% off Saturday.  Seriously - everything was $50 off.  I'm all set with anything they need for Michigan!  So blessed.

Prayer Requests:
--I have a LOT of questions and need a LOT of paperwork from the girls' CPS caseworker and I am not receiving timing answers or responses to my questions and needs and it's causing me a lot of extra stress because the enemy is using it to steal my peace about the transition of Ms. O into the house and the tight timeline between her coming and the documentation I need for school registration and flying.  Please pray she begins to respond quicker and clearer.  Please pray I am clear in my requests, but also patient, and trusting it will get done.  Please pray that I can LET GO and LET GOD. It's times like these when I tend to over stress that I step up and attempt to grab the control panel from the Lord and try to make things go, go, go so I can then check them off my mental list. 

How Can I Say Thanks?

My Tribute

By Andre Crouch

How can I say thanks for the things
You have done for me?
Things so undeserved yet you gave
To prove your love for me
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude
All that I am, and ever hope to be
I owe it all to thee

To God be the glory, to God be the glory
To God be the glory for the things he has done
With his blood he has saved me
With his power he has raised me
To God be the glory for the things he has done
Just let me live my life and
Let it be pleasing lord to thee
And if I gain any praise, let it go to Calvary
With his blood he has saved me
With his power he has raised me
To God be the glory for the things he has done

Angels Among Us

Angel Story #1:
This is the email that started my Friday morning started.

Hi Maryann,

If you had the opportunity, would Miss O be able to come to Michigan with you?

I am offering to purchase the airline ticket for her if this is a possibility. Just ask OK?

See you at HH.

I had told Miss M that unless money came down from heaven that it just wasn't going to be a possibility for Ms. O to join us in Michigan.  We have been praying that Ms. O would understand why we couldn't take her and let her know that we would if we could.  We had looked into canceling or postponing the trip, but that was just too expensive.  We talked that we just had to accept what is was and know that Oct. 14th would come soon.  Now...we got to have some first-hand praising God moments this evening for His using His angels here on earth to bless our socks off.

PS - HH was GREAT!  So blessed that after school club is open until 6:30 pm.  :-)

Angel Story #2:
This is the facebook message that greeted me when I got home this evening:

Hi new friend!!! 

I am just so amazed and blessed by God that you were carefully placed in my life at the right time! I'm very excited to see what is next - and what is next in your life!

I just wanted to throw something out... and I don't know if its real, practical, or even possible... but I would LOVE to pay for another plane ticket to Michigan for Miss M's sister to go with you - if you want, and if its even possible. Just know that the option is there, and if you want to take me up on it, just let me know.

I'm in ____ this weekend, so we will miss you at church tomorrow! Blessings on you and your girlie. You are covered in prayer from _____.

Only the Lord provides you with new friends and gives them a heart to make an offer like this three days later.  It was like a God wind storm today!!!! 

Angel Story #3:
Tomorrow morning my dear, single, teacher friend - who likes to sleep in like I do, is coming to my house by 6:55 AM so I can fulfill my commitment and work for my school district this weekend.  And she's going to come AGAIN next Saturday morning as well.

Angel Story #4:
Sunday morning, at 6:55 AM, I am dropping off Miss M to a dear family in my life that I just went this spring in my foster care family.  They have two biological sons, and within the past two weeks have just opened their homes and heart to two different placements of little girls.  They are going to care for Miss M ALL day, take her to church with them, and even take her to his mother's birthday party!  And they are going to watch her AGAIN next Sunday as well!

Angel Story #5:
This one quite different than the rest, but I'm going to need to deal with it with my words here in order to process, and angels were at the core of it...in the beginning.

Tonight we read the story about King Aham's army coming to capture Elisa and Elisa's servant freaking out and Elisa saying "Lord, open His eyes" and then the servant seeing all the angels on chariots surrounding the city" and then Elisa asked the Lord to make the enemy army blind, God did, Elisa lead them to the Israelite army, God opened their eyes, they feed them, then sent them home, and they never attacked again.

Whew.

Yea-I thought I knew most of the Old Testament stories pretty well, too, but this is one I need to go back and reread because it was not and still is not ringing a bell.

Anyway - when we get to the part about the angels, I quoted the words to a little Gaither song we used to sing along to in the car:

"They're all above me,
Beneath me,
Before me,
They're all around me.
My Father's angel's all protect me.
Everywhere."

And then Miss M opened up with a whole new set of memories, stories, accounts, and information that she has never shared with me, and according to her, hasn't told anyone else in a long time.

It was...
Heartbreaking.
Gut-wrenching.
Confusing.
Sad.
Unfathomable.

At first I was having a hard time figuring out what had brought on the need to share
The need to unburden
The need to open up.
The need to get some things off her chest.  (Her words during her roses tonight.)

Then she said the learning that the angels were all around her made her feel better because there was a time in her life when she was little that she was always scared of a few people in her life coming up from behind her and hurting her in one way, shape, or form.

Wow.
I don't know what else to say.
Wow.

Her sharing lead to my feeble attempts to
Listen
Comfort
Advice
And listen some more.

It lead into a confusing lesson on how you still can feel love for someone who has hurt you, but that you don't want to ever see them again.

I compared it to loving a lion.
You can love a lion.
But that doesn't mean you get alone with a lion
Because history shows us that lions hurt people sometimes.
And if a lion hurt you one time.
You don't go back in and let them do it again.

(I have NO idea where that analogy came from.)

"So I can love them, but not like them or what to ever see them again."

Yeah.  I think that's what it means.

"And I should forgive them, right?  Because Jesus loves us and taught us to forgive.  Right?"

Bingo, kiddo.
Oh through the mouths of babes.

Somewhere in our bible time together tonight
I used some words and phrases and lessons I learned from:

The Body Safety Box

(Which was created and designed by my talented friend.
It's a Christmas gift needed for EVERY SINGLE CHILD.)

And my years of educational psychology.
And my years of teaching.
And my common sense.
And....well, who knows.

But....at the same time
Here I sit
On a Friday night
Wondering
Praying
Questioning
...Did I handle that right?
...Did I say enough?
...Did I say too little?
....Did I....

And then in the same breath I hear a voice saying
"It's not by might
Nor by power
But by My Spirit,
Says the Lord."

The saying goes
"God doesn't call the equipped,
He equips the called.

Here and now
Foster care is my calling

And I am
I HAVE to
RELY on HIS MIGHT
HIS POWER
HIS SPIRIT

I HAVE to allow myself to be
Made into
Broke into
Crumbled into
A wreck
A beautiful wreck
And allow HIM to do HIS work-
Through me
Around me
Over me
Behind me
In spite of me.

Praise/Prayer Requests - Throughout the blog! Did you catch them in there?

Sharing My Heart - Again

I got to talk to Miss M's mom on the phone tonight for a little bit.
I wanted to tell her that I was working on
Getting Ms. O transferred to have her come live with us.

She was so grateful,
So loving,
So sincere.

She said that CPS is the best thing that happened to her
Because it has made her turn her life around,
Made her fight for her kids,
Made her realize what amazing blessings God has given her in her life,
Despite the hardships.

She thanked me for taking care of Miss M.
She thanked me for bringing Ms. O to my house.

It's NOT me.
It's God.
I'm the one thanking her for the opportunity to love on these girls.
I'm the one thanking her for trusting me with her precious babes.
I'm the one who's life is changing because of her girls.

People keep asking me -
"But how will you let them go?" 
"How will you say goodbye?" 
"I could never do that."
"I don't know how you can handle it when they leave."

The truth is that
I
Can't
Answer
That.

I ask -
How can't I do this?
I was called to do this.
I am being disobedient if I DON'T do this.
That's why I can do this.
Because it's NOT me.
It's God.

God's got His hand on this family
On these girls
On this mother
On their little brother.
On me.

Miss M's and Ms. O's mom loves these kids
With all her heart
And is working her tail off
In a world that is battling against her
In every way,
At every turn.

It's only by the grace of God that the shoe isn't on the other foot.
It's only by the grace of God that the roles aren't reversed.

I don't know why.
I can't explain it.
I can only walk in obedience.
And after years of walking where I KNEW HE didn't want me,
Obedience is a good place.
Obedience is a good thing.
Obedience is a peaceful place -
Despite the unknowns.
Despite the newness.
Despite the roller coaster of emotions. 

It is my pleasure,
My blessing,
My honor,
My calling
To be here for this family -
Here,
Now,
And only He knows what's next
For them
For me. 

God IS in control.
God WILL provide.
God IS providing.

Esther's Hope Support Group

There are no such things as coincidences.
My God IS in control.
My God IS in command.
My God IS good.
My God IS gracious.
My God IS mighty to save.
My God IS dealing with the BIG stuff
My God IS concerned with the LITTLE stuff.

Let me show you what I mean -
Here is a timeline of God at work in my life
In my fostering journey
In my support system development for this journey.

In August 2011
The Lord lead me to Mission Community Church
Within 5 minutes of worship
I knew I was home.
Within 5 minutes of the message
I was turning to my friends and saying
I love my church.

In October 2011
The Lord lead me to Kids' Consortium
I completed the night of training
And was given a packet of 60+ local foster care agencies
And told to pick one I wanted to contact and get licensed with.

In November 2011
The Lord lead to me Christian Family Care Agency.
They sent me the initial paperwork.

In December 2011
The Lord began opening the doors to moving forward.
The agency called me
And we set up a meeting with my initial licensing worker
For when I returned from winter break.

In January 2012
The Lord introduced me to D
My initial licensing worker
And I knew I was on His path.

In February 2012
The Lord opened a licensing training class
With my agency
Three miles from my home.

In March 2012
The Lord lead my church to begin a huge undertaking of
A foster care/adoption outreach/justice focus called

Esther's Hope

And it was revealed to the church.
Within days of my prayer journal entry about my need for
Support
Prayer
Respite
When I became a foster mother.

(Oh - and the agency the church was working 

Hand in Hand

Heart to Heart

To develop and support Esther's Hope?

My agency.

Yes.

My church and My agency.

Working 

Hand in Hand

Heart in Heart

To support

To reach

To train

To love

Foster families

Foster children.)

In April 2012
The Lord provided me with the time and stamina to complete
My ten weeks of required training
In ten weeks.

In May 2012
The Lord provided the blessing of passing my state home inspection
On the first time.

In June 2012
The Lord gave me strength to finish all the required paperwork
And my home study was completed

In July 2012
The Lord blessed me with a new on-going placement worker
Whom I connected with immediately
Provided the paperwork to clear through the state
And got me licensed.

On July 31, 2012
The Lord opened the doors for Miss M to enter my
Home
Life
Heart

In August 2012
The Lord gave me grace
And taught me so much about
Unconditional love
Consistency
Attachments
CPS
Foster Care System
And how to be a mother figure to an 8 year old.

In September 19, 2012
Yes.
Today.
The first support group for Esther's Hope began.
I met another single foster to adopt mother who goes to my church
And who's little girl I've bonded with on Saturday nights during worship
(She's my twirling worship girl friend)
She just moved to the area.
She's been praying for a friend.
I've been praying for a single-mother friend.
And another single foster to adoptive mom
Who has 20+ years experience as a foster mother.
A SINGLE foster mother.
She stated she wasn't sure why the Lord lead her to the group
I wanted to scream - I KNOW WHY!
And a large group of other wonderful families
In various stages of fostering and fostering to adopt
With various needs
With various prayer requests
With various concerns
With various experiences.


Don't tell me there is NO God.
Don't tell me MY God doesn't care for ALL
Big
and
Small.

If you do tell me
Then I'll tell you MY story.
This story.
Other stories.
His story
In Me.

There are no such things as coincidences.
My God IS in control.
My God IS in command.
My God IS good.
My God IS gracious.
My God IS mighty to save.
My God IS dealing with the BIG stuff
My God IS concerned with the LITTLE stuff.

Praise Report:
-This entire blog IS my praise report!

Prayer Request:
-The CPS caseworker still hasn't made contact with Ms. O's current placement family so I can't set up weekend visits yet.  Please pray she finds a free moment to make the call and that it goes smoothly and that we can set up a time to met this weekend so Ms. O, Miss M, and I can have some time together.

A Praise Report and Prayer Request Wrapped up in One

October 14th is the day we are
Praying
Hoping
Trusting
That Ms. O will come and join Miss M and myself
In our little 1000 square foot condo.

That's the day after we return from Michigan.
It will be the start of the 2nd quarter in school-
Hoping that will make the transition smoother-
School-wise that is.

Ms. O is safe where she is.
She's got a great foster family.
But she doesn't have her sister
Or her brother.
And she desperately wants to be reunited.
We are trying
And praying
To make that happen sooner than later.
She's doing well
But is sad
But is lonely
Despite being in a household of people.
And we don't want the wait to long
And have it cause anxiety or behavior issues
Or more deep emotional scars.

Ms. O is deeply attached to her siblings.
She's stepped up and provided for them
In many ways
For many years
For many different reasons.
And at the age of 10
To be separated from them
Is affecting her big time.

Miss M -
As expected -
Is THRILLED!

As am I.

Honestly,
If I could make it happen tomorrow,
I would make it happen tomorrow.
I'm ready.
I'm prepared.
Not by MY strength.
Not by MY power.
But by HIS Spirit
HIS strength
HIS provisions
HIS grace.

On Saturday
After their visit with their Mom
Miss M
Ms. O
And Me
Are going to "hang" out.

I don't know for how long
Or where
Or what we'll do
But I CANNOT WAIT!

However,
I hate to tell her that Miss M and I
Are going to Michigan
Without her.

When I bought the tickets,
Ms. O coming wasn't on my radar.
If it would have been, I wouldn't have booked them.
Tonight I went online,
The cost to buy her a ticket now
Would be more than the price of our two tickets combined.

Please pray that
Her 10 year old mind will understand
Can understand
In some way, shape, or form.

It's really killing me.
She could come tomorrow -
If I didn't have the tickets for Michigan.
But-
I have to
Trust
Believe
Have Faith
That this is another part of God's perfect
Plan
Timing
Will.
I need to surrender the guilt.

I'm kind of amazed how connected I feel to Ms. O
Even though I've never met her.
But, since the moment the CPS worker
Asked me about taking her back in the end of August
And I learned about her
Her personality
Her motherly-traits
Her maturity
I felt connected.
And then started the waiting.
The praying.
The watching.

Miss M is ready.
I am ready.
God is giving the green light.
And
Here
We
Go.

October 14 can't come soon enough.

A September Sunday

This morning we went to see this:

And then used a coupon here:

 

The spent part of Miss M's allowance money on this at Ross:

And the rest at Target on this:

Then Miss M finished all of this:

After a quick dinner, Miss M was princess-sat by this DEAR FAMILY
And their two boys and two new little foster princesses.
(We were trained and licensed together through the same agency.)
It was sort of a practice-introduction run because this DEAR FAMILY
has offered to watch Miss M the next two Sundays while I have to work.
We are SO blessed to have these new, dear friends in our lives!

And tonight,
While Miss M was making new friends
And being treated like a little princess,
I escaped for a little Mommy-time to this
At MY CHURCH!

David Gungor and Andy Cherry are the new worship leaders at
MY CHURCH.
Such a blessing.

Praise Reports:
*The blessing of new friends, and old, who are willing, able, and glad to help care for and love on Miss M and myself.  So humbly.  Such a blessing.

Prayer Requests:
*Tuesday afternoon I have our second CFT (Child Family Team) meeting at the CPS office.  I have heard no word about anything we discussed last time and I have no idea what to expect this time.  I'm hoping Miss M's mother is invited this time, that we can discuss Ms. O's coming to live with us, and can move forward in getting Miss M some support that was discussed last time.

Stupid Transportation

8:52
I received a phone call
From the parent aide
She was pulling into the driveway.

Um?
Really?
The pick-up time is 9:15-9:30.
Not ten minutes to 8.

Miss M was sitting at the kitchen table
Eating Alpha-Bits
And yogurt
In her pajamas
Hair not done
Teeth not brushed.

Sigh.
I tell the parent aide that
Miss M will be out ASAP.

9:06
I send her out the door.
Skipping to the car.

She had been especially looking forward to today
To tell her mom about Michigan
And her sister
And her brother.
She had made her mom a poster at after school club
"Number One Mom"
And was so excited to present it to her.

10:08
I received a phone call
From the parent aide
She is on her way back with Miss M
Transportation never arrived to pick up Mom
Visit cancelled.

Um?
Really?

What to do?
How to handle this
Bitter
Heartbreaking
Disappointment
For her.
Again.

What to do?
Do we stay home and veg?
Do I fill her day with fun?

I decide to greet her at the door
And see how she is.
Plan the day based on her.
Her mood.
Her needs.
Yet, be balanced.
Yet, be consistent.
Yet, be us.

10:21
The door bell rings.
The parent aide drops her off at the door with a wave
(She's on the cell phone with someone.)

Evidence of tears and crying are on her face,
In her red eyes.
I embrace her a hug in the open doorway.
A big, long, tight hug.

"Mommy's car didn't pick her up."

I want to reply with - Stupid idiots!
Instead, I say, "I know, Sunshine."

"They didn't even let me get out of the car and see
______ and _____.
Their car was right there.
I could see their shadows behind the window."

I want to reply with - Are you freakin' kidding me!!!!
Instead, I say, "I'm sorry, honey."

"Can I call my mommy today?"

I want to reply with - Instead I'll just drive you back up and pick up your mom myself!
Instead, I say, "Yes - for sure.
We just need the phone number sent."

We close the door.

She puts her "mom bag" on the floor and turns to me,
"So, what are we going to do today?"

I let her know about my hair appointment
I let her choose to come with me or I could cancel it.
She decides it would be fun to go with me
And watch
And play on the iPod
And watch a movie on the iPad.

She was a rock star.
Seriously.
It ended up being a freaking long appointment.
She was amazing.
Content.
Grateful.
Happy to just be vegging.

Then it was a "normal" Saturday.
Church
And girls' night out.

I did "bless" her a little bit today
Okay...bribe
Or spoil
Or compensate
Whatever.
But, heck.
She deserves it.

Let's see -
The icee on the way to the hair salon
A haircut trim for her
Subway lunch - with a cookie
A dipped ice cream cone on the way to church
An extra $1 added to her allowance for being such a good kiddo during my appointment.
And then our regular Saturday night dinner out.
I did resist and stay firm on not stopping for dessert after dinner.

(I did also promise to take her to go see Finding Nemo 3D tomorrow
And take her shopping to spend her allowance money.)

Oy.
It didn't feel like that much during the time,
But that list seems pretty big.
Oh, heck.
Life is short.
And God's giving me a window of time to do some spoiling for her.
So I will.

Tonight
At Girls' Night dinner
We did talk about her sister,
Ms. O,
Possibly coming to live with us
Sometime in the next month or so

I gave Miss M some scenarios
And asked her how she thought things would change.

It did come out that Ms. O
According to Miss M
Wants to live with us because
a) She thinks I sound fun
b) She thinks that Miss M is spoiled by me
c) She thinks Miss M has way less chores and the ones she has are "easy"

We did talk about that if there are three of us that means less of the "special" things
Because it will mean less money.
I did promise to keep the tradition of Girls' Night Out
And allowance giving
On Saturday nights, though.

But
In the end
Every time
It came down to the same basic, repeated statement
"She's my sister, so she should come.
I'll just be grateful with what I have."

Amen.
I couldn't agree more.
I am moving toward becoming a girl house of 3.
Me
Miss M
Ms. O
I'm ready.
If
And when
God is.
And,
Honestly,
I'm totally excited about it!

Praise Reports:
*I got Mom's phone number and Miss M called and talked for about 15 minutes.  It was awesome listening in her retell things from the day and week.  My favorite was when they were saying goodbye.  They had a "I love you more" contest.  I think Miss M won with "I love you around the world, up to heaven, back to earth, around the world again, and then back up to Jesus in heaven again."
*Miss M told me that she thinks Ms. O needs to come live with us because she doesn't get to go to church at the house she is at now. I asked if church is somewhere that Ms. O would like to go.  She said, "Yes.  Of course.  She's a Christian."  I asked what she meant by that.  Miss M replied with, "Well, I'm a Christian, too."  I asked her what that meant to her and she said "It means I know there is a God and that He loves me no matter what and I believe in Him and love Him, too."  I asked her how she knew all of this and her reply was, "I've know for a lot of years.  I could just feel His love around me and then I just had to love Him back."  Praise God for the simple faith of a child.

Prayer Requests:
-Please pray that the CPS caseworker will start working out getting Ms. O's paperwork and processes to come and live with us - if it is the Lord's will.
-Please pray for Miss M's mom.  I can't imagine how hard today was - being all prepared to come and spend 4 hours with your children and then being stuck without a way to get there because of a paperwork issue that was never dealt with by the system.  So unfair.  So heartbreaking.
-Miss M's got a cold going on and tonight had gone through a ton of tissues.  She warned me that when she wakes up in the morning there will probably be a "graveyard of tissues" next to her bed.  She's a stuffed up little girl.  Please pray for quick healing...and that we don't share this cold.  I'm still not totally over the first one we shared.

Connecting

 Fostering is not about getting the kids away from their families.  The true goal is to help parents get on track, get them help, and keep their children safe and loved in the meantime until they are able to care for them themselves again.

Now, we all know the horror stories and there are times when it will never be an option for a child to be returned to a parent's care.  However, the many of the causes, children need a temporary place to stay while their parents recover, grow, change, prepare, etc.  We all battle demons - in one way, shape, or form.  It's only by the grace of God that often times the roles are not reversed.

One of the things that my eyes were opened up to the most during my training with my agency was the foster care parent's role not only with supporting the child placed with them, but reaching out and building connections and bridges with the parents as well.  We are highly encouraged to keep a journal dialogue open with the parents.

When Miss M was first placed with me, I honestly was attempting to journal every night....however, after two weeks it became every few days and now, honestly, it's my Friday night task. After Miss M falls into bed, I sit down and write in one of the two journals we pass back and forth.  Tonight was too tired to write in the journal, so I typed it up.  Then I decided to post parts of it here to share what kind of communication I share, what we discuss, and who knows, maybe I'll get other ideas from others who read this and are sharing similar communication with the parents of the children placed in their home.

*********************************************************************

Hi, _________.

I hope all is well with you. I am honestly so tired tonight that I was too lazy to pull out a sheet of paper and hand-write a note.  I tend to type faster than I print and then I couldn’t resist the convenience of spell check tonight.

Great news!  I finally talked with Miss M’s CPS worker and got the officially permission to have Miss M call or vice versa during the week.  My cellphone number is ___________.  I’m going to need your number again because I didn’t copy it out of the journal before I sent it back last week. (Doy on my part.)  I usually pick up Miss M from after school child care around ____– ______ and then she starts her bedtime routine right around _______ am.  I know that’s a pretty limited amount of time…but let me know if there are specific nights that work better for you and your schedule.  We are usually pretty open as long as I don’t have training or a meeting.  Does your phone have texting?

Another piece of exciting news is that I was able to find REALLY reasonable plane tickets and could afford to fly Miss M and myself to Michigan over our fall break to visit my family.  We made a calendar chain to help her countdown the days and my niece, _________, in Michigan is so excited to meet Miss M and vice versa.  They are only three months apart in age and I know are going to get along famously. My mom retired from teaching preschool after 39 years this year and is excited to spend each day with us checking out the local pumpkin farms, apple orchards, parks, and doing on fall leaf color tours.  Unfortunately, the timing of the plane tickets in conjunction with the best flights means that Miss M will miss out on two Saturday visits with you.  October 6 and October 13.  I’m really sorry about that.  I was trying to fly out around those weekly visits and not miss more than one, but that would have meant an extra $150 of the tickets.  I was thinking that maybe we could work with _________ to see if we could arrange a mid-week visit the week before we go and the week after we get back?  I’ll start checking in to that.  Otherwise, we can for sure talk via phone while we are gone.  (There is a three hour time difference we’ll need to keep in mind.)

Miss M has been asking me if _______ could come and live with us almost immediately after coming to live with me.  While I wanted to open that possibility up right away, I also wanted to go slow and make sure Miss M got settled in well before making another change.  I’ve talked with the girls’ caseworker and we’re going to start moving forward on possibly having ________ come and live with us.  I haven’t mentioned this to Miss M since nothing is finalized and you know how long it takes to get things finalized sometimes.  She usually comes home after your Saturday visits and asks again, and I typically reply with “After you and I get settled in together and see how things go, we can maybe consider that.  Right now we’ll pray about it and let God decide that and the timing.”  I’ll keep you updated as I hear more and talk with the caseworker more.

I would be willing to have ________come and live with us whenever it worked best, but we’re going to have to wait until after October 13^th when Miss M and I get back from our week in Michigan.  I looked into the possibility of buying a third ticket but with just three weeks out before going, that one ticket would be close to the price of the two of ours combined.

I can’t remember if I told you last week or not, but Miss M is taking a dance/cheer class on Thursday afternoons.  We received a grant from a foster care foundation that is paying for the class.  She’s such a music and dance nut.  J  I’m an administrator of a middle school and tonight was the first dance/social of the year.  I walked across the parking lot during the switch between the 6^th graders and 7/8^th grade dances to pick Miss M up from after school care and then she, and the principal’s two girls, came and joined us for the second dance.  They were so funny.  They danced for over an hour with no inhibitions, pure joy, and content smiles on their face.  At one point, Miss M saw one group of kids start a “congo” line, so she and the other two little girls started their own and some of the big kids’ joined on.  It was so funny to watch and observe.

Miss M had a great week at school.  She’s doing so well on her spelling, weekly reading tests, and weekly math assessments.  Her teacher is really pleased with her progress, her hard work, and her ability to make inferences.

Last Friday night was an ice cream social at her school and I was able to observe her with some of her new friends at school.  Everyone she meets loves her and talks about what a great kid she is.  They all also usually say what a talker she is – and I am truly glad because I don’t know what I would have done if she were super shy!  J

Miss M’s started up with another cold again.  It kind of popped up on Thursday and today she was a little on the miserable side – but since it was just a cold with the biggest issue being a stuffy nose (which she hates) we didn’t stay home.  I did run to the drug store on the way home tonight and get her some cold medicine in the hopes of alleviating a little of the sinus pressure.  Does she get colds a lot or have any seasonal allergies?  She got into a bit of a kick on Thursday saying she was having an “allergy attack” (She’s got a flair for drama! Hee, hee.) but I told her it was just a cold. But I did wonder if maybe this is kind of typical for her this time of the year with the weather changing back and forth with humidity, dust, and rain?

I hope things are going well for you.  You are covered in our prayers every day.  Miss M was so happy to tell me that she talked with your mom and _______ last Saturday during your visit.  All week she talks about Saturday when she gets to see you and spend time with you.  Let me know if there is anything specific that Miss M and I, or just I, can be praying about for you.  You are loved!

Fondly,

Maryann

PS – I’m attaching a few pictures from this week and a few verses.  See the next pages.  Much love!

This is a set of verses that have been plugging around in my head and heart for the past week or so. I thought I would share them with you as encouragement in case you are like me and tend to get overwhelmed with the “but-whats” and “but-hows” of life. 

Do Not Worry

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

This is a picture of some art work that Miss M’s art teacher sent me via email this week.  I love that she’s watched out for on a daily basis with the family of teachers I co-taught with for 9 years!  Isn’t this amazing?!?

This picture is kind of funny, but some friends of mine from my old school, Miss M’s school, gifted me with a generous gift card (welcoming me into the foster care world) and I invested in a desperately needed regular vacuum and hand vac.  Miss M just loves them and calls the yellow one “hers” and the purple one “mine.”  J  Needless to say, getting her to help vacuuming isn’t much of a challenge right now.  (She’s looking for excuses to pull them out!)  J

This isn’t the greatest picture…but we were able to go see a play at Tempe Center for the Arts last Sunday called “Rock the Presidents.”  It was a lot of fun and Miss M was pretty impressed that she got to meet the actors in the play afterwards. These tickets were a gift from a former colleague and friend. 

Here’s your Sunshine-girl outside Tempe Center for the Arts.  It was actually a gorgeous day and she loved being on the water.

*****************************************************************

Praise Reports:

Miss M had a great time at the school dance tonight.  It was such a joy watching her truly be free to dance, free to be herself, free to be free.

Prayer Requests: 

Please pray that the lines of communication between Miss M's mom and myself will continue to develop, grow, and hopefully eventually lead to talking on the phone, and meeting face to face.  Please pray that I may be a help in her life and vice versa.