Battling Back

This spring we moved
Back to the community where we teach

So the commute would be less

So the family time could increase 

So the girls could attend their home schools

So the girls could live among their peers

So the girls would have consistency 

So the girls could plant roots.

And the move went well

The house is home

The Foothills soothe my soul

The commute is five minutes for me

And ten for Janelle

But it means a new school for Sadie and Bella

And new friends

And new teachers

And new routines

And they aren’t at “Auntie’s” school anymore

And I moved schools too.

Literally to the middle school right next door

To Sadie and Bella

And where one or more of the girls will attend for the next 10 years

But it means a new staff for me

And a new neighborhood for me

And a new parent community for me

And a new subject for me

And more grading

And more classes to prep for

And less prep time to do it in 

And extra stress of proving myself as a respectable and effective teacher in a new area

I knew I needed to make some of “those” calls
Phone calls to parents with some on-going concerns I’ve had
Calls to try to have some hard discussions 
But to keep it positive and connected
The calls I hate to make
But the calls that can bring the support lines together and help

Voicemail
Voicemail
Voicemail
Call back

Things start off fine
I think
Positive
I think
But then it went ugly
And mean
And fast

It was "that mom"
"That mom" who “listens” as I share my concerns
But then moves in for the attack
"That mom" who tells me it’s all me not him/her
"That mom" who tells me I am mean
"That mom" who tells me I am a rude 
"That mom" who tells me all I am doing wrong as a teacher 
"That mom" who tells me I don’t understand how to work with middle schoolers
"That mom" who tells me she’s friends with all the other moms and they all talk about how bad I am
"That mom" who said more but my brain was firing off in a million directions trying to process where this all went so horribly wrong

And I listen
Stunned
To the rudest parent attack in my 19 years of teaching 
And I am basically speechless 
And I don’t know how to respond
Because I won’t accept her comments
Because I don’t believe her comments
Because I won’t own her comments
But I tell her I will consider her comments
(As if they will ever leave my rolling self-talk cycle)
But I tell her I will reflect upon her criticisms 
(As if I’ll ever be able to think of anything else for the upcoming hours, days, weeks)
And I hang up
And my stomach hurts
And my heart hurts
And my eyes well up

Trying to decide what to do next
No desire to call anyone
That’s for sure

I should be getting my girls
But I am frozen
I am hurt
Hurt

But I open an email
It’s a short email from a mom
It simply says “thank you.”
All I did was send out a weekly email
With basic information
But she took the time to say thank you.

Another “thank you” from another mom
And this one adds that her son loves my class
That he loves me as his teacher. 

And I sigh
Deep breaths
Inhale
Exhale
My heart is still racing from the verbal attack

I've always been told "not to take things personally"
But when I put my heart and soul into something
Personal is what it is to me.

So I decided to write "these moms" back
Thanking
"These moms"
For raising amazing kids
Thanking 
“These moms” 
For sharing their kids with me as a teacher 
Thanking 
“These moms” 
For taking time to reach out to me with simple emails of appreciation. 

And then I decide 
I’m going to battle back
Not with more words to “that mom”
It’s not worth it.
She made it clear her mind was made up.

But I wasn’t going to let her label me in my new school
But I wasn’t going to roll over and let her win tonight
Or take my weekend from me

So I sat down
And I wrote to 
“These moms”
And
“These dads”
About
“These kids”

And I wrote
And I wrote
And I wrote

And I began to appreciate deeply
And I began to feel simple joy
And I began to win over the attack

I wrote emails to all
“These families”

I sent out over 120 emails before I left school for the weekend 
Little notes
Short notes
Just quick notes of appreciation

Most of my students 
“These kids”
Are really awesome
And kind-hearted 
And polite
And I love learning with them 
And as a parent, I would want to know that from my child’s teacher
And as a teacher, I needed to do that for myself tonight
To reach out
To make those connections
To express my appreciation and joy of teaching 
“These kids”

And I battled back
Battled back with positivity 
Battled back with kindness
Battled back with simple joy
Battled back with appreciation

And I am better for it.
And I hope it makes a difference for one of
“Those moms”
“Those dads”
“Those kids”
"Those families"

Trauma Sucks

I cried today.
Wish it would have been
Louder
Longer
Deeper
Fuller
But I was at school
In a staff meeting

Yeah
Bad timing.

I don’t get to pick when I cry.
Wish I did.
Wish I could.
Wish I could release more.

So why today?

Well
The simple answer?
It’s been building.
I had a little tear up session a few weeks ago over school stress
But it wasn’t the real deal.

But
The real answer?
Today was trauma-informed teaching training
Part 2

Trauma-informed teaching training
Trauma-informed
Trauma

Part 1 was just before school started
So my brain was on overload
My brain filtered it
My brain took it in and said
I know that
I live that
I got that

But today
For some reason today
I know the reason
The trauma-informed training
Set
Me
Off.

I felt it coming.
I tried to stifle it.
It wasn’t the place.
It wasn’t the time.

All the trainer did was start a review
A review of trauma
A review of what I know
A review of what I’ve seen in my classrooms for years
A review of years of training I've had
A review of what I live with
Wake up with
Eat next to
Sleep next to
Drive home
Disciple
Laugh with
Cry with
Call my daughters
Every
Single
Day.
A review of my reality
My hard reality lately
And it's been hard
Really hard
Lately.

And did you know that being a momma of kids with trauma
Often leads to secondary trauma in the mommas?
Trauma mommas
Mommas of kids with trauma?
Or mommas with trauma themselves?
A?
B?
All of the above.
See my hand waving wildly in the back?
See my finger pointing back at myself?

I am a trauma momma.
I know it.
And I suck at it.
Every day.
I'm working on it.
But I'm in an ugly place with my own secondary trauma right now
Let's be honest...I have been for almost a year now.

So
The tears came today
As the teaching came today
Not because it was new
Not because it was different
Not because I didn't know it
But because I am tired
Because I am used up
Because I am failing
Because I am losing
Because I am struggling
Because I am guilty

Those tears today
Slow
Controllable drips
At first
Then fast flowing
Couldn’t wipe away fast enough tears
On to crocodile tears
Find an escape to the nearest bathroom
Sobbing
Gasping
Wanting
Needing
Desiring
To scream
To yell
To punch
But
Embarrassed
At a new school
No one really knows me
Or my story
I don’t even know
If
I
Know
My
Story
Fully

We need this training in schools.
We need it as educators.
I learn more every time.
And I am passionate about helping my trauma kids
My school trauma kids
And my own trauma kids

But I couldn't separate the trauma teacher brain
From the trauma momma brain today
And my trauma momma heart was
Heavy today was
Weary today was
Guilt-ridden today.
How can I know all of this as a teacher
How can I practice all of this with students
How can I understand the truths of trauma
But then fail so badly at home?

Partly I know it's because
I teach kids who have
Faced
Lived
Experience
Sit-in
Go home to
Trauma
Every
Single
Day.
I teach them
I love them
I try to be there for them.
But at the end of the day,
I turn my back away from them
And their trauma
And it's on a shelf
Of sorts
Until the next day
Until the next encounter.

But then I come home.
But when I close my eyes.
But when I think about anything.
It's always about my trauma babies.
My FabFive.

Two whom have years of
Unknown
And known
Trauma.
Trauma
That I don't understand
That I don't get
That I don't know
That I can't fix
That I can't change
That I can't figure out

Three whom have nine months
In-utero trauma
Of unknown
And known
Stress
Abuse
Neglect
Trauma

My trauma babies.
My Five.
I teach them.
My FabFive.
I love them.
I try to be there for them.
But I fail so badly.
Over and over again.

Their trauma has
Triggered
Kicked in
Set off
Caused me
Trauma.

I've always been a person of
Big emotions
Big feelings
Big reactions
Lots of words
Lots of thoughts
Lots of processing
And some days
Some weeks
Some months
And apparently some seasons of life
Like toddlerhood
Like tweens
It's extra hard
And my big emotions
My big feelings
My big reactions
My words
My thoughts
My processing
Aren't any better
Or under much more control
Than my trauma babies.

And when I don't take the time to process
I haven't blogged in three years!
And when I don't take the time to care for myself
Insert eye roll!
And when I don't take the time to breathe
Literally don't think before I react
My trauma rears it's own head
At the trauma of my own babies
It's a vicious cycle.
And there are times when we move around here like a well-oiled machine
And there are times when we run around here like something is on fire.
And there are times when I can't find the firehose

Don't get me wrong.
My girls are generally happy.
Generally sweet.
Generally loving.
Generally giving.
Generally amazingly amazing.

But there is always underlying trauma.

And parts of me thinks
It's been long enough now
You've been with me long enough now
You don't need to have this trauma anymore
It's time to move on

I want to think that this should have passed
I want to think that my love should have fixed this
I want to think that my consistency should have resolved this
And then I laugh
And then I cry
Because that's I know that's not how trauma works
Not how trauma operates
Reality is
I know better.
Trauma doesn't go away.
Trauma lasts a lifetime.

You can learn overcoming tricks
You can practice overcoming skills
You can counsel
You can pray
You can.
It will help.
You will grow.
You will overcome.

But
Trauma sucks.
Trauma is always there.
Somewhere.
Deep down
Ready to rise up
It sucks.
Sucks the life out of you.
Sucks the joy out of you.
Sucks the rationalization out of you,
Sucks the regulated brain out of you.
And so does
Secondary trauma.

I wouldn't mind some more cry time
Some more scream into a pillow time
A magic
Trauma-be-gone pill

But for now
I'll process
I'll blog
I'll ask for prayer
I'll seek counsel
I'll cry when I can
I'll hide when I need to.
And I'll bite off a fingernail or two in the processing process as well.

The Virgin Mary

So rewind to the 1980s - 1990s
The Bay Region of Michigan...

I didn't grow up Catholic
But I grew up in a small town
And a small town with a LOT of Catholic churches
And I mean A LOT
The Virgin Mary statue in the front of lawns was common.
People praying to The Saints and The Virgin Mother was common
I never "got" it
But I respected it.

I mean
What's not to respect?
She was the chosen birth mother of the Son of God.
Just a girl.
Confused
Scared
But full of faith.
After Gabriel breaks the
Holy moly news to her,
She
In Luke 1:38
Replies
"Behold, I am the servant of the Lord;
Let it be to me according to your word."
Me?
I would have dropped dead from the news.
And then her prayer
The song of prayer she magnifies after meeting up with Elisabeth...
Study it.
It's profound.

So,
Fast-forward to June and July 2011
Specifically,
July 8, 2011.

I was on my six-week
Amazing
Life-changing trip
With Fulbright Exchange Program
To Greece and Turkey
(Followed by a little solo trip to Cairo, Egypt)
And we spent a day in Ephesus, Turkey.
For New Testament reasons alone
I was beyond trilled to be there
But then this experience came.

Here is what I captured in my travel blog from that day almost five years ago:

After exploring the ancient ruins of Ephesus, we headed to Meryemana (Mary’s House) which is where it is said that the Virgin Mary came to live with Saint John (or Saint Jean as he is known here) at the end of her life.  The site consists of a small chapel that was built on top of the house that she is believed to have lived in and there is a wishing wall covered in rags where visitors tie bits of cloth, paper, plastic, stickers, tissues, etc. to the wall with a written wish.  It was a special sight to visit.

I remember standing in front of the wall of wishes
Touched
But also skeptical
Interested
But also concerned
I didn't want to be superstitious
(Like those chain letters
Now emails
That used to come along...)
I didn't want to be following the crowd
But I felt moved.
Moved to write out my own prayer
A wish of sorts
And leave it behind.
I didn't wish to Mary.
That wasn't me.
Despite my respect for her.
But
I prayed to God.
I prayed to my Savior.
And
On July 8, 2011
I wrote out my own prayer
My own life's wish
Asking for what I had been praying for for years
But leaving it behind me in a different way than ever before
On a small tissue from my purse
Tied together with dental floss
And slipped it on to the wall
Amid some other wishes and prayers for
Healing
Peace
Leadership
Churches
Families
Marriages
Children
Dreams
Hopes
Desires

So,
Fast forward to today
Exactly 4 years and 8 months after
Writing out
And leaving behind
My prayer on the wall
Of the stone home in Ephesus, Turkey
Thought to be where Jesus' mother spent her last days of life.
(Did you know it's also National Women's Day today?)
Yes, today.
March 8, 2016

I spent time with my three little misses,
Their biological mom
And their biological grandmother
At Chickfila
I try to meet up with them once a month
For my girls' sake
For their birth mother's sake
And
For many
Many reasons
It is always hard
Hard in ways you would imagine
And hard in a ways I can't ever explain
For the girls
For the mom and grandma
For me
But for many
Many reasons
It's also good.
It's also right.

And today
As we left
This mother
The birth mother of the girls
My girls
My girls who will be my forever and always daughters
In a just few short months
Lord willing
Asked if it would offend me if she gave me a bracelet of the Virgin Mary.
I replied that of course it wouldn't
And that I would be honored
And she slipped it off her wrist and gave it to me
With the words that
The Virgin Mother Mary is the Patron Saint of Mothers
And I am her girls' mother, too
And she prays to the Virgin Mary that I will be protected
And gave me this bracelet.

And then the memory of me
In Turkey
At the wall
Writing out my prayer on that tissue paper
Tying it with that dental floss
Came flooding back to me

That prayer
That life-desire wish
That I wrote to God
That I wrote to my Savior
Came flooding back to me.

That prayer
That life-desire wish
That many of my closest family and friends knew
But I never told anyone I wrote down that day
But that I honestly forgot about until today
Came flooding back to me.

The prayer
The life-desire wish
That I wrote?

Please God
Let me one day adopt a daughter
And become a mother.

Um.
Yeah.
He's doing it.
Times three.

So,
If you see me
Wearing this bracelet
Just know.
It's another physical reminder
That God listens.
That God moves.
That God answers.
That God has his own time table.
That God will blown your socks off.

July 4th - My Forever and Always Favorite Holiday

July 4th
Independence Day
America's Birthday
Hometown Fireworks
Friends and Family Gathering

After I moved to Arizona
And always went home to Michigan for the summer
And always over the 4th of July
It became my favorite holiday

But last year
July 4, 2014
Was transformational
And this year
July 4, 2015
I know it will be my favorite holiday for life.
Because next year
July 4, 2016
I believe my little misses will have my last name
And be my Forever and Always Daughters.

You see
One year ago today
I went to a crisis center
And I picked up two curly-haired little misses
Just five and three and a half
Who had been living there in separate areas
For the past six weeks
Seeing each other just one hour a day because
Their case manager couldn't find a home that would take both of them
Let alone take their six week old baby sister who was placed in a different home.
(She would come four days later....)

For six weeks
Yes, six,
Off and on
I was in communication with their case manager,
I was willing take all three
And be a supporting player for their birth mom
But we were playing a waiting game as to when my
Little Man and A-girl would be officially moving back home to their mom.

Six weeks
Six weeks
SIX LONG weeks
Someone else should have stepped forward
Someone else should have jumped at the chance to foster these sweethearts
Someone else should have been approved to care for them
But Someone Else had other plans.

And those plans were they were supposed to come to me.
And little did I know that would lead to Forever and Always.

A year ago I could see His plans
I could see Him opening doors
Even when I thought doors were closing
He would swing them open again.
But I thought it was for me to support their mom
It had been an additional part of fostering children that I hadn't seen coming
Supporting single moms as a single mom myself.
I thought the plan was for me to provide them a home together.
I thought it was going to be for 3 - 6 months.
I thought it was another reunification story I would get to share.
I never
NEVER
Believed Forever and Always was in His plans
For me and these three little ones moving into my home.

And I promised myself
Promised
Ha
I wouldn't get too attached
As I was heartbroken over A-girl and Little Man fresh goodbyes
And I was honestly scared if I had much more of my heart to give away so fully again.

But Someone Else had other plans.
You see
He had Forever and Always plans in the future
And I had no idea.

I was head-over-heels in love within an hour of being their
Foster Momma
Their "Maryann Momma"
I was head-over-heels in love within one cuddle with curls in my face
(And I hadn't even meet Sweet Baby Girl, yet!)

By the end of July I was confessing to God
That I didn't think I would survive another goodbye.
That I wouldn't survive another goodbye.

Then
The fall was weird.
Things didn't go AT ALL as the case plan had predicted.
They were not going back to their mom in October
Or December.
The winter was awkward.
Things were changing but nothing was official or certain.
I was starting to dare to dream
But I was also scared I was setting myself up for major heartache again.
Doubt set in.
Fear set in.
I was not trusting in the One who had laid out His plans so perfectly.
The spring was transformational.
Their birth mom, first mom, opened up to me.
Reached out to me.
Stated her wishes and made unselfish decisions.
The case plan was changed.
The judge sent orders and signed papers.

Yes.
Adoption.
It's coming.

Lord willing.

There are some big pieces to still fall in place
Specifically for the two biggest little misses
But I believe
I know
I have faith
That He will see us through these steps
Because
Look at the past year
The past year and six weeks
He sent them to me
He saved them for me
He blessed me with them.

The road to adoption is still long
So long
And still complicated
Like migraine complicated
And nothing
NOTHING
In foster care is ever certain
Until the judge declares them adopted
To me
But it is moving that way
And faster than I could have ever prayed
Dreamed
Hoped
Asked.
And I have faith in His plan
His Forever and Always plan.

There is so much more to this story.
So much more.
Blogs to come once I am free
And feeling at peace to do so.

There is so much more to happen
So much more
Until the judge declares them mine
Forever and Always.

But the pieces are falling into place.
And I can see His will.
And I can see His blessings.
And I can see His provisions.

And this July 4
I am reminded of my nerves
A year ago
Driving to the crisis center
To pick up these sweet little misses
I had only met once
For about 30 minutes
(And my fear of a six week old baby girl to come in four days!)

And this July 4
As we unpack from our family vacation
The one to the ocean we hope to go to every year

They call me their Forever and Always Momma
Or just Mom
(Best three letter word in the world.)
I call them by their Forever and Always names
Or SueBooLou
(Which they will "get" one day when I let them read these blogs.)
And I revel  in His plan
In His answering my heart's desire
And I pray all the pieces continue to fall into place

And next July 4
I hope
I pray
I believe
Their last name will be my last name
Forever and Always

 

 

My Three Little Misses

One month ago
Yesterday
My three little misses
Moved into my home
After being in my heart
And in my prayers
Since the middle of March
And I cannot believe it has been a month already,
And I cannot believe how in love I am with them.
And I cannot help but fall more in love every day.

Introducing Little Miss M

Little Miss M
(aka - Princess M)
The oldest
The first-born
The care-taker
The tease
The silly one
The instigator
The doesn't-miss-a-thing-girl
Is sweet and funny
Sings all of the time
Is always asking to "practice her letters"
And starts Kindergarten...
TOMORROW!

Introducing Little Miss I

Little Miss I
(aka - I Bear)
The middle child
The split-personality toddler
The mover
The storyteller
The doll-lover
The stubborn one
The copy-cat
Is a combination of sugar and spice
Talks all of the time
Is always wanting to do whatever her sister does
And is 3 1/2...
And rides the emotional roller coaster to prove it.

Introducing Little Miss S

Little Miss S
(aka Sweet Baby Girl)
The little, bitty baby
The one I didn't know how I would do with
The one who sleeps next to me - throughout the night :-)
The one who likes me to hold her super close and tight
The one who knows my voice
The one who my heart aches for throughout the day in ways I could have never imagined
Is seriously the best baby I have ever met
Coos all of the time
Is following me with her eyes everywhere I go
And is 12 weeks old on Sunday
And I am baby-hooked.

Yup - That's me!

In the past month
My email inbox has built up
(Which,
If you know me at all,
Is heart-attack inducing for me)
My text messages have gone unanswered
(How rude of me, I know)
My facebook messages have been forgotten
(Out of sight, out of mind)
My kitchen floor hasn't seen the vacuum
(A dog would be in heaven)
My laundry has been constantly humming
(Must add Downy to the grocery list...)
My bottle-washing techniques have been expertized
(Is that even a word?)
My ability to multi-task has been challenged with bottle feeding interruptions
(Try as I might...I cannot do any other jobs when I am feeding a baby)
My receipts at Walmart have tripled in quantity and total
(I truly hate that store, but love their prices and variety)
And my heart has been challenged
And opened
And moved
In new ways
With my three little misses.

Ha!  I wish this was me!  :-)  I got to get me a pair of red boots...and a cape!

The good news is
I am sleeping well
And feeling rested
(Which is a HUGE miracle -
HUGE!
Thank you for your prayers!)

The great news is
My parents were out here for almost two weeks
And during that time I never washed a single bottle
And never had to worry about baby being "un-held"
(Thank you, Mom and Dad!)

The amazing news is
That after 11 years
My sister,
Janelle,
Decided to move out here
And is teaching in my district
And
For now
Is living us with us girls
And this means
And extra pair of hands
And extra set of eyes
And a responsibly body available if I need to run out for a gallon of milk
(The three little misses love their Aunt Janelle!)

The blessed news is
I have started back to my 14th year of teaching
And the girls are all safe
And loved
And loving their new daycares.

Life is Good.  God is Great.  And Diet Pepsi is still my Friend.

PS - 

Little Man

And A-girl

Are doing well

Based on the updates I have received.

There are times when I miss them so much

I think my heart is going to burst

And sometimes my breath is taken away

With how much I am in love with my three little misses

When I am aching for my Littles at the same time.

Trying to continue to trust that 

He is holding them

He is loving them

He is clothing them in His love as He does the sparrows

And the lilies. 

Freaking Out

Lest anyone think I have it all together
Let me burst any bubbles you possibly
And erroneously
Have

My "Only God" posts are truly goose bump posts for me
And these Only God moments
Are the tiny thread of assurance that have been holding me together
But
I am
And I have been
On the verge of freak-out mode
On the verge of foster-momma meltdown

You see
I like control.
I like order.
I like to have my ducks in a row.
I am the first born.
And this summer has really
REALLY
Been a stretch for me
A growing time for me
As far as it goes for
Patience
Flexibility
Scheduling
Organization
Going with the flow
Keeping my hands off
Letting Go and Letting God
And about a million other things...
(Half of which I don't want to admit)
But
In reality
My head still spins a mile a minute
Okay -
Who am I kidding -
A light year a minute -
With freak-out thoughts
And I have to stop the spinning and
Process
Which means
Confess.
Accept.
Admit.
WRITE.

Do you realize that last night I had my first
Going back to school nightmare?
NIGHTMARE!!!
It entailed
Three little girls taking turns not sleeping all night
A foster momma not getting any sleep
A foster momma missing first period math class
A foster momma getting fired because it was the third time she had done it that school year
A foster momma forgetting a baby in the back of her car
And a foster momma going to jail for life.

Um. Yeah.
That foster momma was me, folks.
Freaking out here.
And this is also why I should not read the news
Or any Yahoo cover stories.

Do you realize that I have a six-week old baby girl
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
Moving into my house tomorrow?
SIX WEEKS!
She only weighs nine pounds!
NINE!

What the heck am I thinking?
What the heck is God thinking?

Do you realize that I start school again
In 21 days!
TWENTY ONE!
And I am teaching a brand new subject
(Yay - 6th grade math)
With three
(Well, two and a half, I guess)
New preps
And I have not done a lick
NOT A SINGLE LICK
Of school work since I have left the last day of school?

This is so not like me.
Not at all.
And yet the rolling cart of summer work
Sits on the floor next to me as I type.
Yet untouched.

Do you realize that in 10 days
TEN
My sister is moving down here
(Yay! Teaching in my district! Yay!)
And moving in with me for the first year
(Yay! I think we can still live together after all these years!)
And I have a bedroom to clean out for her
And a closet to clean out for her
And I need to make room for her
And -
When she moves out here
My parents are helping her drive out here
And that means two more house guests
(Yay! They get to meet the three little misses!)
And more bodies in the house.

Yup.
There are a lot of yays in that above freak out
Laced with a whole lot of
Panic.

Do you realize that I may never sleep again?
NEVER!
And that I love, love,
Did I say LOVE?
To sleep
And a newborn doesn't understand the need for adult sleep.

See - freaking out about lack of upcoming sleep
And usually freaking out about it while I should be sleeping.

Do you realize that I have to find an in-home daycare
For a six week old baby
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
(Who will be eight weeks by daycare time)
Because my agency won't let babies attend group daycares?
And
I am sorry, folks
But I have called
And called
And called
In-home
DES-approved daycares
In a 10 miles radius from my home
And it is scary
SCARY!
My notes next to some of the phone numbers I called say
"Bad feeling."
"Gut says no."
And
"Oh, hell no."

My stomach is starting to ache.
Seriously.

Do you realize that I have to take
Three Little Misses
To three separate
SEPARATE
New patient appointments
At the same doctor
On three separate days this week
Because they only do four new-patient appointments a day
And none of those set times are back to back?

I think I got the new scheduler when I called.
And honestly, this makes me the most upset
Because it means I can't wear the same outfit
Three days in a row
Like I have for most of the summer.
Oy vey.
I have issues.

Do you realize I have
Re-washed the same set of laundry
At least four times in the past two days
FOUR
Because I keep forgetting to go switch it to the dryer
Even though the very loud
BEEP
Goes off each time?

This wouldn't be a freak out mode if I wasn't in the middle of
"High Summer Energy Costs"
And getting daily reminders from SRP that my electric bill
Is already over $220 for the month and it is only July 7th!

Do you realize that I have two new little girls
NEW
Sleeping in the room next to where I am typing
And I honestly have looked at them a few times
In the past few days
And panicked
Because
I
COULD
NOT
REMEMBER
ONE
or both
OF THEIR NAMES!!!!

It's shameful.
It's embarrassing.
But - seriously -
I have done respite for 12 different kids this summer
Before they moved in with me!

Do you realize that I have wasted
An extraordinary amount of time
PRECIOUS TIME
Processing
Writing
This blog
When I do be dealing with half of the things I am freaking out about?

Yeah - I realize it, too.
But don't you dare point it out to me.
I am signing off now and going to watch some Netflix.
So there.

Only God, Part II

Only God
Would have two different tables
Come up to me and the Littles
On our last dinner out together
At their favorite restaurant
To tell me what wonderful children they were
And I could share that it was our last meal together as a foster family
And that they were being reunited with their mommy.

Only God
Would have A-girl tell me that she loves me
And that she will call me
And that she will have to come to her birthday party
On the way to their home.

Only God
Would have Little Man
Ask to hold my hand
As we were driving to their home
And then unconsciously rub it with his thumb as I drive down the 101.

Only God
Would allow me a bittersweet goodbye with my Littles
And as I am driving home pondering our past year together
Receive a phone call on the way home
From Miss M and Ms. O
Who have moved to the NE corner of the USA
And are happy
And are healthy
And just wanted to call to say they missed me.

Only God
Would have placed Petite Little Miss
In a home on the other side of Phoenix
Who just happens to be licensed through my same agency
Who just happens to be a stronger believer
Who just happens to have been praying for the Three Little Misses to be placed together
Who just happens to have been meeting an extra hour a week
With the Three Little Misses mom
To give her a little extra one-on-one time with Petite Little Miss
And to start praying with her
And to start reaching out to her
And who just happens to have been praying that the new foster momma
Would want to do the same.

Only God
Would have me signed up to provide respite for another foster child
During this transition time
And have my sweet neighbors - and fellow foster parents - and good friends
Call out of the blue
And ask if they could finish up the respite for this young girl
So I could have the transition night alone
After I said goodbye to the Littles
And then have the weekend and remaining days
Alone with two of my Three Little Misses
Before Petite Little Miss moves in on Tuesday afternoon.

Only God
Would have provided me with a heart of excitement
To go and pick up Big Little Miss
And Medium Little Miss
15 hours after dropping off the Littles
And have peace in my heart that this is right.

Only God
Would allow it to rain
Just a little
In the parking lot
As I picked up Big Little Miss and Medium Little Miss
From the shelter
Where they have been placed for the past six weeks
Rain just enough
To wash away the layer of dust on the van wall
That held the handprints of
Little Man
That held the dust drawing face of
A-girl

Only God
Would give me a heart full of pure love
And pure affection
For my Three Little Misses
(Before even meeting Petite Little Miss)
And yet not feel like I am replacing my Littles
And have room in my heart to love again
Even when I know it is just for a time
But it is for this time
And it is for these girls
And it is to help their mommy

Only God
Would provide me with two more
Sweet
Funny
Cute
With just the right amount of spice
Girls
To love on
To keep safe
To teach
To invest in.

Only God
Would have sense of humor to change my "desire"
For fostering school age girls
And to a love for fostering toddlers
And in this placement
Giving me three girls spanning three categories in foster care
Big Little Miss (5) - school age
Medium Little Miss (3 1/2) - toddler
Petite Little Miss (6 weeks) - newborn

Only God

Only God could prepare a longing in Little Man's heart
To say
When I tucked him in bed last night
"I go see my mommy?
My daddy?
My _____? (Little brother's name)
My_____? (Big sister's name)"
He has never said that before
He has never asked for anyone at bedtime
Besides me
And it was the peace my heart needed
Once again
To be assured
That it is time for them to move home.

Only God could give A-girl the words to say
Out of the blue
During bath time tonight
"I will miss you, Momma Maryann,
When I go,
But you will still love me."
Just as I have been trying to prepare her heart for
For eight weeks
And
Before the tears could flow too fast
She farted
And giggled
And said, "I fart, Maryann, and I make you laugh
Because I is silly girl."
And I did laugh
Belly laugh.

Only God would lead their mom
To call me tonight
To tell me a funny story about one of the other kids
And we could talk like friends
And I could hear the excitement in her voice
But we could also talk about the reality of the move

Only God would open the doors
Wide open
To have three little misses move into my house
The morning after I move A-girl and Little Man home
(Well, two on Friday and the baby on Tuesday.)


Only God would initially introduced these
Three little misses
To me just over six weeks ago
And when I thought doors were closing
On opening my home to them
He was just saying
"Not yet."

Only God would have been keeping these
Three little misses safe
Until I could reunite them all in my house
And love on them all
And providing them with others to love on them during this time.

Only God would have a sense of humor
To have me,
The girl who was only going to foster school-aged kiddos,
Thrilled to pieces to be welcoming in a
5 year old
3 year old
And 6 week old.
(Yes.  6 weeks. You all pray for me.)

Only God would give me the opportunity
To meet the older girls today
And hang out
And take pictures
And make plans for picking them up on Friday morning.

Only God would be able to open my heart up
To the opportunity to love and foster
Another's mother's children
Again
And so immediately
After my Littles leave my home
(But never my heart)
And give me the peace
And give me the joy
Of three new little misses coming to my home
Knowing it will be temporary
Knowing it will be challenging
Knowing it will be painful
Knowing it is His will.

Only God.