My Three Little Misses

One month ago
Yesterday
My three little misses
Moved into my home
After being in my heart
And in my prayers
Since the middle of March
And I cannot believe it has been a month already,
And I cannot believe how in love I am with them.
And I cannot help but fall more in love every day.

Introducing Little Miss M

Little Miss M
(aka - Princess M)
The oldest
The first-born
The care-taker
The tease
The silly one
The instigator
The doesn't-miss-a-thing-girl
Is sweet and funny
Sings all of the time
Is always asking to "practice her letters"
And starts Kindergarten...
TOMORROW!

Introducing Little Miss I

Little Miss I
(aka - I Bear)
The middle child
The split-personality toddler
The mover
The storyteller
The doll-lover
The stubborn one
The copy-cat
Is a combination of sugar and spice
Talks all of the time
Is always wanting to do whatever her sister does
And is 3 1/2...
And rides the emotional roller coaster to prove it.

Introducing Little Miss S

Little Miss S
(aka Sweet Baby Girl)
The little, bitty baby
The one I didn't know how I would do with
The one who sleeps next to me - throughout the night :-)
The one who likes me to hold her super close and tight
The one who knows my voice
The one who my heart aches for throughout the day in ways I could have never imagined
Is seriously the best baby I have ever met
Coos all of the time
Is following me with her eyes everywhere I go
And is 12 weeks old on Sunday
And I am baby-hooked.

Yup - That's me!

In the past month
My email inbox has built up
(Which,
If you know me at all,
Is heart-attack inducing for me)
My text messages have gone unanswered
(How rude of me, I know)
My facebook messages have been forgotten
(Out of sight, out of mind)
My kitchen floor hasn't seen the vacuum
(A dog would be in heaven)
My laundry has been constantly humming
(Must add Downy to the grocery list...)
My bottle-washing techniques have been expertized
(Is that even a word?)
My ability to multi-task has been challenged with bottle feeding interruptions
(Try as I might...I cannot do any other jobs when I am feeding a baby)
My receipts at Walmart have tripled in quantity and total
(I truly hate that store, but love their prices and variety)
And my heart has been challenged
And opened
And moved
In new ways
With my three little misses.

Ha!  I wish this was me!  :-)  I got to get me a pair of red boots...and a cape!

The good news is
I am sleeping well
And feeling rested
(Which is a HUGE miracle -
HUGE!
Thank you for your prayers!)

The great news is
My parents were out here for almost two weeks
And during that time I never washed a single bottle
And never had to worry about baby being "un-held"
(Thank you, Mom and Dad!)

The amazing news is
That after 11 years
My sister,
Janelle,
Decided to move out here
And is teaching in my district
And
For now
Is living us with us girls
And this means
And extra pair of hands
And extra set of eyes
And a responsibly body available if I need to run out for a gallon of milk
(The three little misses love their Aunt Janelle!)

The blessed news is
I have started back to my 14th year of teaching
And the girls are all safe
And loved
And loving their new daycares.

Life is Good.  God is Great.  And Diet Pepsi is still my Friend.

PS - 

Little Man

And A-girl

Are doing well

Based on the updates I have received.

There are times when I miss them so much

I think my heart is going to burst

And sometimes my breath is taken away

With how much I am in love with my three little misses

When I am aching for my Littles at the same time.

Trying to continue to trust that 

He is holding them

He is loving them

He is clothing them in His love as He does the sparrows

And the lilies. 

Freaking Out

Lest anyone think I have it all together
Let me burst any bubbles you possibly
And erroneously
Have

My "Only God" posts are truly goose bump posts for me
And these Only God moments
Are the tiny thread of assurance that have been holding me together
But
I am
And I have been
On the verge of freak-out mode
On the verge of foster-momma meltdown

You see
I like control.
I like order.
I like to have my ducks in a row.
I am the first born.
And this summer has really
REALLY
Been a stretch for me
A growing time for me
As far as it goes for
Patience
Flexibility
Scheduling
Organization
Going with the flow
Keeping my hands off
Letting Go and Letting God
And about a million other things...
(Half of which I don't want to admit)
But
In reality
My head still spins a mile a minute
Okay -
Who am I kidding -
A light year a minute -
With freak-out thoughts
And I have to stop the spinning and
Process
Which means
Confess.
Accept.
Admit.
WRITE.

Do you realize that last night I had my first
Going back to school nightmare?
NIGHTMARE!!!
It entailed
Three little girls taking turns not sleeping all night
A foster momma not getting any sleep
A foster momma missing first period math class
A foster momma getting fired because it was the third time she had done it that school year
A foster momma forgetting a baby in the back of her car
And a foster momma going to jail for life.

Um. Yeah.
That foster momma was me, folks.
Freaking out here.
And this is also why I should not read the news
Or any Yahoo cover stories.

Do you realize that I have a six-week old baby girl
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
Moving into my house tomorrow?
SIX WEEKS!
She only weighs nine pounds!
NINE!

What the heck am I thinking?
What the heck is God thinking?

Do you realize that I start school again
In 21 days!
TWENTY ONE!
And I am teaching a brand new subject
(Yay - 6th grade math)
With three
(Well, two and a half, I guess)
New preps
And I have not done a lick
NOT A SINGLE LICK
Of school work since I have left the last day of school?

This is so not like me.
Not at all.
And yet the rolling cart of summer work
Sits on the floor next to me as I type.
Yet untouched.

Do you realize that in 10 days
TEN
My sister is moving down here
(Yay! Teaching in my district! Yay!)
And moving in with me for the first year
(Yay! I think we can still live together after all these years!)
And I have a bedroom to clean out for her
And a closet to clean out for her
And I need to make room for her
And -
When she moves out here
My parents are helping her drive out here
And that means two more house guests
(Yay! They get to meet the three little misses!)
And more bodies in the house.

Yup.
There are a lot of yays in that above freak out
Laced with a whole lot of
Panic.

Do you realize that I may never sleep again?
NEVER!
And that I love, love,
Did I say LOVE?
To sleep
And a newborn doesn't understand the need for adult sleep.

See - freaking out about lack of upcoming sleep
And usually freaking out about it while I should be sleeping.

Do you realize that I have to find an in-home daycare
For a six week old baby
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
(Who will be eight weeks by daycare time)
Because my agency won't let babies attend group daycares?
And
I am sorry, folks
But I have called
And called
And called
In-home
DES-approved daycares
In a 10 miles radius from my home
And it is scary
SCARY!
My notes next to some of the phone numbers I called say
"Bad feeling."
"Gut says no."
And
"Oh, hell no."

My stomach is starting to ache.
Seriously.

Do you realize that I have to take
Three Little Misses
To three separate
SEPARATE
New patient appointments
At the same doctor
On three separate days this week
Because they only do four new-patient appointments a day
And none of those set times are back to back?

I think I got the new scheduler when I called.
And honestly, this makes me the most upset
Because it means I can't wear the same outfit
Three days in a row
Like I have for most of the summer.
Oy vey.
I have issues.

Do you realize I have
Re-washed the same set of laundry
At least four times in the past two days
FOUR
Because I keep forgetting to go switch it to the dryer
Even though the very loud
BEEP
Goes off each time?

This wouldn't be a freak out mode if I wasn't in the middle of
"High Summer Energy Costs"
And getting daily reminders from SRP that my electric bill
Is already over $220 for the month and it is only July 7th!

Do you realize that I have two new little girls
NEW
Sleeping in the room next to where I am typing
And I honestly have looked at them a few times
In the past few days
And panicked
Because
I
COULD
NOT
REMEMBER
ONE
or both
OF THEIR NAMES!!!!

It's shameful.
It's embarrassing.
But - seriously -
I have done respite for 12 different kids this summer
Before they moved in with me!

Do you realize that I have wasted
An extraordinary amount of time
PRECIOUS TIME
Processing
Writing
This blog
When I do be dealing with half of the things I am freaking out about?

Yeah - I realize it, too.
But don't you dare point it out to me.
I am signing off now and going to watch some Netflix.
So there.

Only God, Part II

Only God
Would have two different tables
Come up to me and the Littles
On our last dinner out together
At their favorite restaurant
To tell me what wonderful children they were
And I could share that it was our last meal together as a foster family
And that they were being reunited with their mommy.

Only God
Would have A-girl tell me that she loves me
And that she will call me
And that she will have to come to her birthday party
On the way to their home.

Only God
Would have Little Man
Ask to hold my hand
As we were driving to their home
And then unconsciously rub it with his thumb as I drive down the 101.

Only God
Would allow me a bittersweet goodbye with my Littles
And as I am driving home pondering our past year together
Receive a phone call on the way home
From Miss M and Ms. O
Who have moved to the NE corner of the USA
And are happy
And are healthy
And just wanted to call to say they missed me.

Only God
Would have placed Petite Little Miss
In a home on the other side of Phoenix
Who just happens to be licensed through my same agency
Who just happens to be a stronger believer
Who just happens to have been praying for the Three Little Misses to be placed together
Who just happens to have been meeting an extra hour a week
With the Three Little Misses mom
To give her a little extra one-on-one time with Petite Little Miss
And to start praying with her
And to start reaching out to her
And who just happens to have been praying that the new foster momma
Would want to do the same.

Only God
Would have me signed up to provide respite for another foster child
During this transition time
And have my sweet neighbors - and fellow foster parents - and good friends
Call out of the blue
And ask if they could finish up the respite for this young girl
So I could have the transition night alone
After I said goodbye to the Littles
And then have the weekend and remaining days
Alone with two of my Three Little Misses
Before Petite Little Miss moves in on Tuesday afternoon.

Only God
Would have provided me with a heart of excitement
To go and pick up Big Little Miss
And Medium Little Miss
15 hours after dropping off the Littles
And have peace in my heart that this is right.

Only God
Would allow it to rain
Just a little
In the parking lot
As I picked up Big Little Miss and Medium Little Miss
From the shelter
Where they have been placed for the past six weeks
Rain just enough
To wash away the layer of dust on the van wall
That held the handprints of
Little Man
That held the dust drawing face of
A-girl

Only God
Would give me a heart full of pure love
And pure affection
For my Three Little Misses
(Before even meeting Petite Little Miss)
And yet not feel like I am replacing my Littles
And have room in my heart to love again
Even when I know it is just for a time
But it is for this time
And it is for these girls
And it is to help their mommy

Only God
Would provide me with two more
Sweet
Funny
Cute
With just the right amount of spice
Girls
To love on
To keep safe
To teach
To invest in.

Only God
Would have sense of humor to change my "desire"
For fostering school age girls
And to a love for fostering toddlers
And in this placement
Giving me three girls spanning three categories in foster care
Big Little Miss (5) - school age
Medium Little Miss (3 1/2) - toddler
Petite Little Miss (6 weeks) - newborn

Only God

Only God could prepare a longing in Little Man's heart
To say
When I tucked him in bed last night
"I go see my mommy?
My daddy?
My _____? (Little brother's name)
My_____? (Big sister's name)"
He has never said that before
He has never asked for anyone at bedtime
Besides me
And it was the peace my heart needed
Once again
To be assured
That it is time for them to move home.

Only God could give A-girl the words to say
Out of the blue
During bath time tonight
"I will miss you, Momma Maryann,
When I go,
But you will still love me."
Just as I have been trying to prepare her heart for
For eight weeks
And
Before the tears could flow too fast
She farted
And giggled
And said, "I fart, Maryann, and I make you laugh
Because I is silly girl."
And I did laugh
Belly laugh.

Only God would lead their mom
To call me tonight
To tell me a funny story about one of the other kids
And we could talk like friends
And I could hear the excitement in her voice
But we could also talk about the reality of the move

Only God would open the doors
Wide open
To have three little misses move into my house
The morning after I move A-girl and Little Man home
(Well, two on Friday and the baby on Tuesday.)


Only God would initially introduced these
Three little misses
To me just over six weeks ago
And when I thought doors were closing
On opening my home to them
He was just saying
"Not yet."

Only God would have been keeping these
Three little misses safe
Until I could reunite them all in my house
And love on them all
And providing them with others to love on them during this time.

Only God would have a sense of humor
To have me,
The girl who was only going to foster school-aged kiddos,
Thrilled to pieces to be welcoming in a
5 year old
3 year old
And 6 week old.
(Yes.  6 weeks. You all pray for me.)

Only God would give me the opportunity
To meet the older girls today
And hang out
And take pictures
And make plans for picking them up on Friday morning.

Only God would be able to open my heart up
To the opportunity to love and foster
Another's mother's children
Again
And so immediately
After my Littles leave my home
(But never my heart)
And give me the peace
And give me the joy
Of three new little misses coming to my home
Knowing it will be temporary
Knowing it will be challenging
Knowing it will be painful
Knowing it is His will.

Only God.

Alone

Seven weeks.
The transition process
For the Littles to be moving home
Has been seven
Long
Hard
Emotional
Weeks.
And on the 8th weekend,
July 4th,
They will move home
And leave me.
And I am happy for them.
And I am sad for me.
And I am heartbroken.
And I am hopeful.
And I am lonely.
And they haven't even left yet.

And during these seven weeks of weekend visits
Six of those including overnights
But
God knew
I needed to still have a full house
I needed to still take care of kids
I couldn't handle a quiet house
And I didn't have to.
Every single weekend since the overnight visit
I have had little visitors sleeping over.
In fact,
I have only had six days
Nonconsecutive
Since school got out for the summer
That I haven't had an extra kid
Or two
Or three
Or even four
At my house
For respite
Official
And unofficial.

I didn't know what the summer would bring
So I purposefully
Took no summer classes
Did no extra summer school jobs
Like I usually do
And the Lord has used that
To fill my house
With lots of foster
And adopted kiddos
Whose parents needed help
For one reason or another
Sometimes just for a day
Sometimes for a weekend
Sometimes for a week.
And it has been fun
And interesting
And entertaining
And honestly
Eventually exhausting.

But God knew I would need it.
And God knows I thrive off of crazy
And God knows that
Sometimes
Too much time
In my head
Alone with my thoughts
Lack of busyness
Is not a good thing for me.
I deal better with lots going on
And it keeps me afloat
And keeps me "sane."

Then this past week
The exhaustion hit me
A lot of kids coming and going
A lot of extra responsibilities
A lot of emotions I was needing to deal with
And, like I usually do,
It means
I started to crave alone time
And,
I started to crave it in ways I haven't for many months
And,
Only as God can,
He had prepared the way for me for that alone time as well
Before I even knew I would need it.
I had my two littles this past week
And two extra littles this past week
But God provided daycare for all of them
All week
And I got some alone-time
Some catch-up time
Some downtime
And it was good.

And it lead up to tonight.
Tonight.
My first night alone in this house
With no Littles
With no extra kiddos
With no little bodies in the house with me.
And I am ready for this alone night now.
I wasn't seven weekends ago.

But tonight
I am alone
And I am strong
Because God is by my side
And He is paving the way
And has been all along
And it is all in His hands
And I am at peace with that.

And tomorrow
The Littles come home for four last days
And Tuesday another little girl comes to join me for eight
And God is giving me a little one to love
Over Independence weekend
-My first in Arizona since I moved here 11 years ago-
And He is already opening doors to new little girls
To possibly come and live with me as of this weekend
Or next Monday.

You got this, God.


Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Transitioning Pains

Weekend visits for the Littles started six weeks ago.
Weekends with mom
Weekdays with me
The transition plan started well
Slow, realistic, doable
While yet mentally
Physically
Emotionally
Exhausting.

Court was a 11 days ago
Thought the Littles were going home that day.
Packed
And prepared
As much as one can
For that to happen
But the judge changed up the transition plans for them to go home.
Miz N first.
Then Mr. Smiley, the baby
And then the Littles.
Makes sense on paper,
But in reality -
Transitions had been already going for four weeks
And now they were recommending an additional six.

And so the weekend visits continue.
And the longer we go,
The harder it is.
For her.
For them.
For me.

The Littles are confused.
Who can blame them.
The first four weeks I saw growth in them.
In their mom.
I saw them starting to settle
Starting to bond
Starting to transition
But the longer we go,
We are starting to revert.
Revert emotionally
Revert behaviorally
Revert.
And it is painful to watch.

Transitions are good
But there is a point when you have to
Stop transitioning
And move forward
Move on
And we have reached this point.

Some may read this is feel confused.
How could I ever say this?
How could I want them to go?
Believe me, I have tortured myself with these questions.
It's like the question/statement:
"I could never foster because I could never let them leave."

I can't.
I don't want to.
But it is best for them.
But it is best for their mom.
When you see things
Changes
And not for the better
That are occurring
Because the transition is taking too long
Because the transition doesn't seem to have an end in sight
Because people make decisions about the transitions without looking at the whole picture
Because people make decisions about transitions without talking to the people in their daily lives
Because people make decisions without thinking about kids' emotional states
Because it is a broken system
You have to let go.
You have to go to bat for them.
You have to tell "people" what you observe
You have to tell "people" it is time.
For her sake.
For their sake.
For your heart.

Six weeks of weekend transitions
With more to come
Is too much.
At least in this case.
In this family.
For these Littles.

It's like being part of a rely race
The baton is meant to be passed on,
Not passed back and forth between runners.
The baton(s) moves forward with a runner forward 100 m
Then that runner takes it forward for another 100 m
And then instead of running forward another 100 m
It instead is brought back to the starting line
And you just keep rerunning that 100 m path over and over again
And always ending back in the start position
And you are always waiting for the gun to signal another start
And the road is starting to crumble
And the path is worn down
And the runners aren't running anymore - they are crawling
And the baton(s) are tired and confused and unsure which way they are supposed to be going
And it isn't a rely race
It is a rat's race.

The mission of this transition time has been met.
The Littles' Mom and I talk
A lot
And we share
A lot
And she is ready
And she is willing
And she is trying
And she is being honest
And she is being realistic
But it is so hard to get anything started
When you have 48 hours
And then a five-day separation
And then another 48 hours together
And it has been going on for six weeks.

The mission of the transition was bonding
Was starting of attachments
And those are happening
But again - 48 hours together and then five days separation
How is that not confusing for a 2 and a 3 year old?
They come
They go
They ask
They question
They cling
They whine
They cry
They worry.

Pray for us this week
As we pass the baton(s) back
Yet again
And my Littles and I do life together
Trying to find normalcy in the midst of the confusion
And pray as I step forward on their behalf
In a new
A bolder
A more vocal
Step forward in explaining
To "the people"
How this transition "plan" is going
How it is becoming "too much"
How it is going on "too long"
How it is affecting the Littles
How it is effecting the Littles
How it needs to have an end date/a move date
How it needs to be sooner than later.

On One Hand and On the Other Hand...

So much to process
Too much to process
So much to share
A lot I can't share
So many changes coming
And yet no clue when for sure.

Strap yourself in for a long, bumpy blog.
It's not going to be pretty
Because,
Well, love isn't pretty.
Love isn't easy.
Then throw foster care
And a very broken system in Arizona formerly called CPS
(I can't ever remember the new acronym)
And then a unit within that system with an acronym I can't write here without breaking confidentiality
Well, let's just say it goes from not pretty to just plain ugly
And wrong
And confusing
And frustrating
And mind-blowing.

Miz N went to her new home at the end of the January
And then I feel into a weird funk
Which I later was able to identify as
Anticipation Grief
On top of the grief I was experiencing with having to disruption Miz N's placement

You see
The Littles had some blood work done
We knew it would classify them in a specific race
And that would require them to move from the caseload of one amazing caseworker
To another unit within CPS
And to a world of unknown in their process
But when would it happen?
And what would happen?
And who would take charge?
And what would change?

At the end of February
The Littles case went from regular CPS to this special unit within CPS
And then we went silent.
Dead silence.
For one month.
Then someone from the unit came to visit
And talked to me about bringing the little brother home to live with me
And talked to me about permanency plan for the three littles
And talked to me about my role in that permanency plan
And I began to dream in ways that I didn't dare dream before
But also mourn for a mother.

Then we went silent,
Again
For another six weeks.
Visits continued.
But the case plan got switched to yet another caseworker
And no word.
Nada.
Silence.

A meeting on May 6
And the recommendation of this group
Caused me to dream a little deeper
A little more specific
My heart began to make plans for a possible future with my Littles
(Including Little Dude...the Littles' baby brother)
Because this recommendation echoed what the old caseworker had said
And what the temporary caseworker in the new unit had alluded to
But my brain knew better than to dream
To plan
To hope
To wish
And thus began the accelerated battle
That is ever constant in foster care
Between heart and brain
Between hints and reality
Between desires and guilts

Then on May 9
The caseworker came to my home finally.
Met the Littles finally.
And I thought she was going to ask me to move in Little Dude at the end of the month
And I thought she was going to lay out a plan for the next court date
And I was so wrong.
We all were so wrong.

Paper worked was looked at.
She and supervisors agreed they need to move home.
Enough time.
Enough work.
Enough effort.
They need a chance.
They need to give it a try.
Within a month, the Littles will transition back to their parents.

It's been 18 months folks.
11 months with me.
And 11 months of being told the exact opposite.
And 11 months of trying to build a relationship with parents
And 11 months of growth in that relationship with parents
And 11 months of falling head over heels in love with my two Littles
And 11 months of caring full-time for my Littles
And 11 months of truly feeling like a "mom" in a new way I had never experienced before.
And now it was ending.
In four weeks.
30 days.
Done.
Let go.
Say goodbye.

On one hand
I was
I am
A basket case of
Tears
Heartache
And sorrow.
The Littles are
Have been
I wanted them forever to be
My life.

On the other hand
I was
I am
Truly happy for their mom.
She loves them.
She wants to parent them.
We spent Mother's Day together at the Zoo
(As only God could have ordained
The day after I received the transitioning home news
And she did not know yet
But we talked about her growth
And her future
And her dreams
And her desires
And her love for her kids)
And I want her to succeed
And I want her to rock this
And I do see areas of growth
Maturity
And effort.

On the other hand
I am so damn mad.
Anger.
Hurt.
What the heck?
How can one group of people look at paperwork
And start talking to me about forever
And then 2 1/2 months later
With no face-to-face meetings on either side
With no changes to visits, plans, efforts
Look at paperwork
And say
Time to go home?

On the other hand
I want to
I am
There for their mom.
I truly love her.
I am supporting her.
We text every day.
Multiple times a day.
We talk about strategies.
We talk about making the transition smooth.
We talk about the love she knows I have for the Littles
And she promises me I am forever in their life.
And I love her for it
And I love her for loving her kids.

On the other hand
How the heck am I supposed to let go?
I mean, seriously?
How?
How am I supposed to move on?
People tell me to wait -
"They will be back in care in 2 weeks,
2 months,
And you need to keep your beds open."
And I think "yes."

On the other hand
I want her to do this!
I want to her make it!
These are her babies!
We all make mistakes!
We all screw up!
Maybe not in the same ways
But we all need God
We all need His Grace.
He is a God of second chances.
I want to help her with this transition.
I want to provide her with what she needs to make the transition.

On the other hand
The Littles have been in my home for 11 months
And in care for 18 months.
I am their constant.
I am their life-line.
I am their nurturer of daily, hourly, minute-by-minute love
I am their night-time guardian
I am their tickle monster
I am their chef.
I am their chauffeur.
I am their entertainment coordinator.
I am their Momma May-Ann.
I am their "My Maryann"
   (As they verbally banter back and forth in the car EVERY SINGLE time we are in it -
   MY Maryann! No, MY May-Ann!)

On the other hand
She is so excited.
Weekend visits have started.
At first
She was shocked at how hard it was
It has been so long
And she has never done all four at once
But she opened up to me
We talked it through
And I told her I was praying
And she took my tips
And she asked specific questions
And she said she was grateful that I was on her side
She did better the next day
And I felt happy that she was happier
And feeling more successful the next day

On the other hand...
On the other hand...
On the other hand....

Others have been
Covering me
Lifting me up
Standing in the gap
For me in prayer
Because
Honestly
I don't know how to pray about this.
I can't seem to pray about this.
I try to pray about this.
I give it up in prayer and then take it back as quick as I lay it down.
Thank God for prayer warriors.

You see
Despite all the "other hand" thoughts
I actually have a peace among the storm in my heart
And my head.

I see God at work.
In me.
In her.
In them.

I do.

And I am sincerely happy for her.
And I am sincerely happy for my Littles.
And I want this to work for her.
And I want this to work for my Littles.
And Miz N
And Little Dude.

I just cling to the fact that
The sparrows get feed every day
The lilies grow every day
And why?
Because they are in His hands
His eye
His care.
And if God does that for the lilies
And the sparrows
Won't he do that for
Little Man?
A-Girl?
Miz N?
Little Dude?
Her?
Him?
Me?

I know He will.
Even when I don't feel He will
Or is
I know it.
Assurance in the storm.
Peace in the storm.
Hope in the storm.

God is already opening doors for me to help other
Foster moms
Adoptive moms
And kiddos
During this transition time
Because God knows I cannot have an empty house.
Empty house means a quiet house.
Empty house means a quiet mind.
Not a good combination right now.

Since the Littles have started their weekend transition visits
(Long days and weekend overnight visits with parents)
I have not been kid-free in my house
Not once.
This is the ministry He has called me to
This is the ministry He has
He is
Equipping me for
I am more than ready for some permanency
But until He opens those doors wide,
I will stand here
And serve here.

He is already opening doors wide for my next kids.
(I feel guilt even as I type that,
Yet an extreme sense of excitement and hope at the same time.
Oy.)
And some doors have already closed
And others keep creeping open.

On one hand -
I am good.
He is Lord.
He is sovereign.
He is in control.

On the other hand -
I am a basket-case.
He is Lord.
He is sovereign.
He is in control.

Amen.

Purchased this necklace from TheAdoptShoppe on the day I found out my Littles were transitioning home - couldn't be more perfect.

Amen.  May it be as He promises.

Yup - I just want to throw myself on the floor and kick in anger some days.

Kind of loved this one.

I don't necessarily care for orphans, but I think this applies for vulnerable and hurt children as well.

This was my favorite picture from a photo sessions with http://www.brittanyjanellephotography.com/ from November and now this image has taken an even deeper meaning for me.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

It was the best of times:
A-girl is 3 1/2
And she is funny
Sweet
Smart
Lovable
Adorable
Chatty
And sings all the time
And dances all the time
And tells me she loves me
And jumps on the couch
And requests me to read to her
And does silly things must to make me laugh

And Little Man is 23 months old
And he is silly
Loving
Energetic
Crazy
Bright
Cute
And he is talking up a storm
And he tries to make us giggle
And he makes silly faces
And he gives big, wet kisses
And he has the cutest-weird little run
And he always wants me to hold him and snuggle

And they are the best of friends.
Laughing
Chasing
Imagining
Playing
Giggling
Hiding
Jumping
And I love watching them love each other.

And this foster momma is
Happy
Content
Addicted
Laughing
Joy-filled
Pleased
Proud
And I just want to hang out and play together all day.

It was the worse of times:
A-girl is 3 1/2
And friends,
Experienced moms,
Tell me 3 is way worse than 2.
And holy cow she is stubborn
And moody
And ornery
And mouthy
And opinionated
And she has mastered the art of the arm cross and glare

Little Man is 23 months
And someone let him know about the
Terrible Twos
And he decided to get a head start
And my Little Man
Can go from angel to monster in the blink of an eye.
And he is bull-headed
And whiney
And demanding
And sensitive
And teasing
And cranky.

And they are each other nemesises
Fighting
Yelling
Poking
Chasing
Pulling
Biting
Pushing
Screaming
And they are driving me batty.

And this foster momma is
Cranky
Tired
Annoyed
Frustrated
Spent
Confused
And putting us all to bed early again tonight
In hopes of a better day tomorrow.

It was the best of times in toddler land,
It was worse of times in toddler land.

Reconnecting

Miss M's 10th birthday

(Remember her...

My first foster placement

Back in July 2012 - May 2013)

Was at the beginning of December

But with the issues I was experiencing with Miz N

I didn't feel the timing was right to tackle a dinner out

With my crew of three

And their family of four.

We have kept in contact via texts

And phone calls

On a monthly basis or so

But

Since taking Ms. O out for her 11th birthday in June

We haven't gotten together.

Between my craziness in fostering in the world of toddlers

And then the struggles with Miz N

And their lacking transportation

We never figured out a time to meet up...

Until this past Sunday.

We had to go to Oregano's

Had to

It was the restaurant I took Miss M to the first night she moved in with me

And it was always a special place for her

For us.

And,

Well,

We all love the pizza cookies!

In typical Miss M fashion

She came running

And screaming 

Out of the car

All dressed up in a fancy, fancy dress

Hair so long

Girly nails

And girly jewelry

And so much taller

And talking a mile a minute

And in typical Ms. O fashion

She was quiet,

Tape around the middle of her glasses to be "nerdy"

Punky shoes on that were purple

And cracking jokes to make everyone laugh.

And their mom

My friend

Was good.

Happy.

Content.

Working so hard.

Doing so well.

I am beyond proud of her.

It seriously chokes me up.

A year ago this past weekend

Miss M and Ms. O and I moved in to the Melody House

And two weeks later their mom moved into her first apartment

And her part time job moved to a full time job

And within three months

Her family was reunited.

Her kids moved back with her.

Her case with CPS was dismissed.

And is started another chapter in her journey of

Growth.

Change.

Challenge.

Moving forward.

A year later,

Miss M, Ms. O, and their brother all live with their mom.

She is still working full-time

And has moved up to a department head

And still has her apartment

And now owns a car

And is moving forward,

Making her dreams come true,

But also being patient in attaining them.

And I am so proud of her.

So proud.

The girls

And their mom

Presented me with this bracelet.

It makes me weepy when I look at it.
I can't begin to explain the emotions that well up in me
When I look at the bracelet
And I think of my nine months with the girls
And my connection with their mom throughout those nine months
And how we continue to connect even now
And how we continue to be present in each others' lives.

It's a success story.
It's a God story.
And I am humbled to have been a part of her
Of their
Journey
Because God saw fit
And God crossed our paths.

What it (Literally) Means to Foster

fos·ter (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/foster)

verb

1.to promote the growth or development of; further; encourage: to foster new ideas.

2.to bring up, raise, or rear, as a foster child

3.to care for or cherish.

4.Obsolete . to feed or nourish.

Origin:
before 1000; Middle English; Old English fōstor  nourishment, fōstrian  to nourish;  

Synonyms
1. favor, forward, advance; foment, instigate. 2. nurse, nourish, sustain, support, maintain. 3. See cherish.

Antonyms
1. discourage.

 

fos·ter (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/foster)

adjective

—used to describe a situation in which for a period of time a child lives with and is cared for by people who are not the child's parents

:  affording, receiving, or sharing nurture or parental care though not related by blood or legal ties

transitive verb

: to help (something) grow or develop

: to provide the care that a parent usually gives to a child : to be or become the foster parent of a child

I am proud to be a foster momma.

I am blessed to call my A-girl my foster daughter.

I am honored to call my Little Man my foster son.

I am forever connected to Miz N, Miss M, and Ms. O.

I am humbled to be called to this adventure of fostering

Fostering His children

With His provisions of strength, wisdom, and peace.

And I will foster His children

Whether that means fostering a child

For a matter of days

Or weeks

Or months

Or years.

Whether it means enduring heartache

Or pain

Or heartbreak

Or tears.

Whether it means for here and now

And then goodbye

Or it means forever more.

209 Bedtimes

Friday, July 12, 2013 to Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Equals
209 nights
6 months and 25 nights
29 weeks
That I have put my Littles down to sleep.
I have bathed them.
I have put on their pajamas.
I have prayed with them.
I have read them a bedtime Bible story.
I have snuggled with them.
I have tucked them in bed.

Tonight I almost did not get to do 209.
It wasn't anything drastic,
But for me,
It was poignant,
Because it was to be the first night
In 6 months and 24 days,
29 weeks,
208 days
That I wouldn't have been the one to tuck them in to bed.
And it hit me hard.

You see,
There was a required evening event at school
And the babysitter was to put them down
And she did
(As outlined in my note I left her.)
And I knew she was capable
(Heck, she's a mom (and foster mom) of 6!)
But all day I missed them.
But all evening I wished I could be the one there.
And
It was tugging on my heart strings that I wasn't.

So
I skipped the "team meeting" following the event
And I sped home
And
All the while I was "hoping"
They weren't asleep.

And
I admit
I was secretly touched that Little Man wouldn't lie down for her
And was still up and a little fussy
And that A-girl was sort-of moaning in her bed
And restless.
And
That's when it first hit me that no one else has put my Littles to bed
Since July 12, 2013
Except me.

And
I admit
That I held Little Man
For a long time
And
I admit
That I took A-girl out of bed
And the three of us played in A-girl's room
(Okay, closet.)
And we talked.
And we sang.
And we tickled.
And we re-prayed.
And we re-read.
And we snuggled.

And I cried
Multiple times
As I began to mourn the night
When it isn't an option for me
To tuck them in any more
Because they won't be with me
Because I won't be their foster momma anymore
And my heart broke prematurely
And my eyes filled with tears
And I ached for them as they were in my arms
And I was a blubbering mess.

And then I had to stop.
And I had to breathe.
And I had to buck it up
And remember that I believe in a God who promises
PROMISES
To love for my A-girl and my Little Man
To care for my A-girl and my Little Man
To protect my A-girl and my Little Man
To provide for my A-girl and my Little Man
More than I ever can
More than I ever will

And I have to trust in that truth
TRUTH
And I have to believe
BELIEVE
That He keeps His promises
PROMISES
And I have to enjoy the moments
The nights
The 209+ bedtimes I do get to tuck in my Littles
And thank God for that time
   Whether it is only 210 nights
   Or another 209 nights
To enjoy the privileged as it is provided
And not focus on the pain that will come
But focus on the joy of the moment.

Signs of Peace and Healing

My home

  The Littles home

     Our home

It is being restored

It is being transformed

It is finding it's new normal

And it feels right

It feels good

It feels peaceful

And I am breathing again.

And I am finding contentment in my calling again.

And I am smiling again.

And I am feeling whole again.

My Littles are thriving in the "new" house of peace.

Talking and questioning without corrections.

Singing and dancing without fear.

Laughing and chasing without worry.

Bathing and playing without interruption.

And we are just enjoying life together.

The past two weekends

Since Miz N went to her new home

We haven't gone anywhere except church. 

Pj-ing it

Emptying out every toy on to the family room floor

Spending hours messing around at the dinner table

And it is good.

It is right.

We have reclaimed our house.

Laughter and freedom has returned.

Peace is living here again.

It's actually hard to write it

To admit it

Because I feel somehow unfaithful to Miz N

Somehow unkind

But yet

It is true.
The house is sighing in relief,
As are our hearts and spirits in many ways.

I can feel it in our interactions.

I can hear it in our voices and giggles.

I can see it in the Littles lighted eyes and teasing smiles.

I am leaving work earlier 

And going to work later

And I am letting them stay up a little longer every night

Just to sneak a few more minutes together.

Bathtimes are longer and funner
And funnier.

Photo ops are begged for
And granted.

The carpet in the living room cannot be found
And I don't care.

The neighbors are probably sick of s singing in the top of our lungs
But Let It Go was meant to be screamed out in pure joy!

Signs of peace.

Signs of healing.

Thank you, God.

Praise Reports:

*Miz N is doing well at her new placement and new school.

*A-girl can sign her name in sign language.  Crazy - I know!

*Little Man is orally communicating with clarity more and more every day.

*I am moving forward and attempting to heal.

Prayer requests:

--Miz N would continue to heal and get the additional supports she needs at her new placement and that no services would be delayed as a result of the placement move.

--A-girl would show interest and a desire to be potty-trained.  She is 3 1/2 now and is definitely smart enough to be potty-trained but could totally care less.

--Little Man is almost 2 and someone, someone, somewhere showed/informed him how to scream at the top of his lungs, stick out his bottom lip, and give dirty looks on the turn of a dime.  

--While I am healing, I am also finding myself turning into more and more of a hermit as I am trying to heal - which really isn't the healthiest for me, or my Littles.  Some hard stuff going on at church isn't helping my mindset in this matter.  

My Littles

Photo Credit- Brittany Janelle Photography

These two,
My Little Man,
My A-girl,
Have been the reason I have gotten up the past several weeks
Have been the reason I have smiled
Laughed
Giggled

Fake burped
Fake farted
Tickled
And chased.
The reason I kept moving forward.

In the midst of all this hard
These two have been my reason for carrying on
And not crawling into a corner of my bed
In the fetal position
And just give in.
Dramatic,
I know,
But reality in my brain the past several weeks.
Okay, months.

Miz N came first
In June
And I was immediately asked to consider taking these two littles in as well
My first reaction was
No way.
My second reaction was
No way.
But
They needed a home.
They needed to be together.

And I said yes.
And it happened.
And then July and August
I learned by trial and error.
I questioned what I was doing.
I wondered -
What the heck the Lord
Was thinking asking me
To take on two toddlers under 3!

Then
Just as I was starting to get into a flow with
Little Man
And A-girl
Miz N's issues started to come to light
To grow
To compound
To spiral
And suddenly I saw the Lord's plan for me having them.

They were my distraction.
They were my sunshine after the storms.
They were my comic relief in the mist of the explosions.
They were my surprise kisses and unexpected hugs.
They were the natural break to the tension that was boiling.
They were themselves and God knew I would need them.

Their little laundry kept me busy after bedtime
So I didn't eat too many peanut m&m's as therapy.
Their mid-night cries woke me up
So I didn't have to wallow in the fitful sleep.
Their burps and farts kept me laughing
So I didn't have to stay in a funk for long.
Their need for diapers, and drinks, and food kept me busy
So I had to carry on, and care, and be useful when I felt useless.

When I started this foster care journey
I strongly believed the Lord asked me to keep siblings together
(And I still do in many/most cases)
But
Through this journey
Of helping children who have experienced various levels of trauma
I have found that sometimes it is not best to keep siblings together.
Sometimes the trauma that has taken place
Has actually warped the sibling relationships in ways that it causes
Triggers
Jealousy
Anger
And sometimes it seems actually unhealthy for them to be together
And they need time apart to heal
To mend
To develop
To get help.
Not forever time,
But healing time.
And I pray this time apart will help.

When I made the decision
To ask to have Miz N moved to another home
I was so worried
Even though I knew it probably wouldn't be so
That those in charge would say that the Littles would have to go as well
But the entire team
The bio-parents
The caseworker
All agreed time apart for the Miz N and the Littles was best
For their growth
For their emotional health
And that having the Littles stay with me was a given.
Joy.
Peace.
Blessed.

My Littles.
My Little Man
  silly
  funny
  loud
  quirky
  loving
My A-girl
  smart
  sassy
  joking
  cuddly
  inquisitive
My Joys.
  despite the poppy diapers.
  despite the screaming tantrums.
  they are 3 1/2 and almost 2, heaven help me
  despite the arguing
  despite the living room always looking like this.

Today we just laid around the house.
We stayed in pjs all day.
They climbed all over me to watch me crush candy.
They fought over who should give me kisses first, and last.
They figured out that my cheeks could be squished into fish lips
They decided that my knee was broken and then needed to fix it with a band-aid
They checked my heartbeat a thousand times over.
They gave me their unconditional love without question.
And I looked at them with tears in my eyes
And thanked God for knowing better than me
As to just how much I would need them,
Maybe even more than they need me.

Letting Go

I don't even know where to begin
But I have to share
I have to write
I have to process
Because my mind might implode otherwise.

Things have been hard around here.
Really hard.
Honestly, since the beginning of October
It's been difficult
And stressful.

From Halloween to New Years
It was turned to troublesome
And concerning.
And then
From New Years to now
Its' been downright

Heartbreaking
Emotional
Confusing
Frustrating
Sad.

I had to
HAD TO
Make the amazingly
Tough
Heartbreaking
Agonizing
But right
YES, RIGHT
Decision
To ask to have Miz N moved to another foster home placement.

I cannot believe I am even typing those words
And that I have had to make the choice to let go.
That I made the decision to let her go.

For her sake
I won't
I can't
I refuse
To go into details.
But for her sake
But for mine and the Littles mental and physical and emotional health

I had to make the decision.

No one can possibly judge me more on this decision than I have myself.
Granted, some have tried.
"How could you separate siblings?"
"How could you give up on her?"
"How could you not try different things?"
"How could you?"

It basically came down to
How can we continue living this way?
How can I be of more help for Miz N?
How can I best care for the Littles?
How can I keep stressing myself out to the point of
Mental exhaustion
Physical sickness
Emotional roller coaster
On a day in
Day out
Basis.

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
"God will give you the strengthn."
"God will provide the resources."

True.
He will.
But sometimes,
It comes down to the fact that
He also gives you peace about letting go.

It feels so wrong to say that
A peace of letting go of a child
An innocent child?
I know other foster parents
Adoptive parents
Biological parents
Who deal with this plus so much more and
Then don't give up.
They don't let go.
So why did I?


Foster care is hard.
It's impossibly hard in some ways.
These children are scarred.
These children are traumatized.
These children sometimes need more from someone than they can give
Know how to give
Have energy to give.
When we open our homes to them
We usually don't know what help they will need
But we pray
We hope
We assume
We will be able to handle it
Help them
Provide for them
But
Sometimes
You
Can't.
I
Can't.
I
Couldn't.
Not anymore.

And sometimes God provides you a peace in the decision making
That releases you
To make the decision
And leave it in His hands.

There is a sense of guilt amid the peace
Guilt 
And
Shame
But, as wise friends reminded me,
Guilt 
And 
Shame
Is from the enemy
Conviction is from the Holy Spirit
Guilt 
And
Shame
Isn't from God.
All I know is there is a strange sense
Of calm
Of peace
Of rightness
In the midst of the 
Guilt
Shame
Confusion
Sadness
And 
Pain
And I been bottling them up 
And stacking them higher
And soon they are going to break
And crash
And scattered.
It's not going to be pretty. 

He has shown up, friends.
Big time.
My heart is busted in pieces
And I cannot believe I have let my
Sweet
Helpful
Adorable
Smart
Funny
Miz N
Leave my home
But I had to.
I HAD TO.

And He provided a new home.
A Christian home.
A two-parent home.
A home where she isn't competing with the attention of littles.
A home where she has dogs.
A home where she has a pool.
A home where she has a playmate her own age.
A home with more strategies and tools to help her 
And meet her
Where her needs require
Demand
Insist.

But - 
Why wasn't that me?
Why couldn't I do it?
How can I add more confusion and hurt to this precious girl?

Letting go of Miz N doesn't mean writing her out of my life
Never.
I couldn't.
But I also had to come to the conclusion that I was unable to provide her with all that she needed.

It's been just about three week now since I made this decision
And then
With many prayer partners behind me
Praying for God's plan to be fulfilled

And God provided a home for her.
A home she got to visit on respite
And get accustomed to for two weekends
And then the Lord opened the doors wide
For her to move there.
To live there.
To receive support there that I cannot provide.
To allow her to start afresh
To allow her to put into practice the supports she is receiving

This evening she moved.
I dropped her off.
I cried
A little
But not enough.
This blog has allowed me to cry some more
Which I need
But that got interrupted by a Little Man
Wide awake at 1:30 am
Needing a breathing treatment
And snuggles
And heaven knows
God knows
How much those snuggles mean to me.

And I don't know how to pray.
I don't know how to grieve.
I don't know how to forgive myself.
I don't know how to work out these emotions.

There isn't a book for 
"Hey, you had a foster child
A daughter
In your care for seven months
And you decided you couldn't do it anymore
That you couldn't provide the level of care she required
And you asked for them to find her a new home
And then did
And now 
While you feel at peace about the decision
For her
For the Littles
For you
You feel like the worst person alive
And that you have hurt a child in a way you never imagine possible
And it goes against every grain in your body
And here is how you deal with it in 10 easy steps!"

I don't know how to end this blog.
I have so much more out-loud
(Writing)
Processing to do.
To deal with.
To come.
So I will post some images that I have been filing through
That have brought me some thoughts to ponder
Some peace
Some contemplation.