Dealing

Spent the weekend
Alone
And sick.
But that's probably the way I'd order it.
(Well...minus the sick part.)

I just need time.
Time to process.
Attempting to think through things in some ways
And
Shutting that down in other ways.
A method of dealing.
Healthy or not.

But when I process,
I have to go quiet.
Go internal.

Processing 1 -
This house is huge
And empty
And really quiet.
A year ago I reveled in that.
Now, after 5 nights alone,
The TV isn't as good as company as it once felt.
The dinner table is lonely and has changed to
In front of the TV again.
God meant for this house to be full.
For the beds to be filled.
For children's voices and laughter to ring out.
And for me to care for them.
It makes my heart happy.
(Even when it is tired, overwhelmed, etc.)

Processing 2 -
The girls are good.
Their brother is good.
Their mom is good.
I guess.
I have been advised
And agree
To wait for her to contact me
And not the other way around.
Be there as an emotional support as she needs
But let her be the caretaker
And try to wait at least four weeks before seeing the girls.
That will be right around Ms. O's 11th birthday.
Seems like an eternity when every day was about them.

Processing 3 -
Grantful for random texts
Facebooks messages
Emails
And even phone calls
(Even though I'm not so good with phone talking.)
Slowly coming out of that
Internal, solitary state of mind
And then eventually
I'll be seeking fellowship
Seeking happy hours
Seeking movie friends.

Processing 4 -
The Lord is using this time in my life
To teach me something.
Not sure what exactly.
Partly because I'm unsure how to listen
How to wait
How to deal.
It's a quiet time.
But I know He is there.
He is in control.

Processing 5 -
Still waiting for the big cry.
Ready for it.
Wish I could force it and get it over with.

Processing 6 -
Next Monday night I am sitting
On a discussion panel
On my church's
Foster care/adoption initiative,
Esther's Hope.
Not sure what I'll be asked.
Not sure what I'll say.
Not sure how the Lord will use
My story.
Our experiences together.
But I can't wait to tell others about
This crazy road,
That I love and hate
That I enjoy and despise
That I am called to be a part of,
Foster care
And loving and providing for vulerable children.

May 24, 2013 - Part 2

God showed up
And made His presence
Known to me throughout the entire day.
His still, small voice
Was audible through music
Friends
And a sense of peace overall.
(Even in the midst of my mad moments.)

When I got in the car,
This song was playing on K-Love
We Won't Be Shaken - Building 429

Whatever will come our way
Through fire or pouring rain,
We won't be shaken.
Whatever tomorrow brings
Together we'll rise and sing
We won't be shaken.
We will trust in You.
We will not be moved.
We won't be shaken.

And then this song,
(Which I had never heard before)
He is With Us - Love and the Outcome

We can trust our God
He knows what He's doing
Though it might hurt now
We won't be ruined
It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding on to you and me
And He's never gonna leave, no
He is with us, He is with us
Always, always
He is with us, He is with us
Always

And then
Cry Out to Jesus - Third Day

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

On my way home with lunch for the girls
I decided to stop at Target.
I wanted to get three things.
As I was pulling in
I was starting to fight tears
And I remember thinking
"I could really use a hug"
And I no sooner walk through the door
Of a Target in Chandler
That I almost never go to
And I hear my name,
"Maryann"
Called out
And it is Jen,
She is one of the couples that I was trained with in foster care
One of the couples I have kept in touch with
One of the couples that also have begun to foster
One of the couples praying for me
And she immediately comes over and embraces me in a huge hug.

Dinner out with friends

A card from a friend

Texts from my sisters

Facebook messages of prayers and support from family and friends

As I type this blog
And reflect on His presence throughout the day
This chorus,
Which I haven't probably thought of
Or sung in my head in 8 years or more
That I learned while in Jamaica
Is going around my head

He is here, Hallelujah,
He is here, Amen
He is here, Holy Holy,
I will bless His name again
He is here, listen closely
Hear Him calling out your name
He is here, you can touch Him
You will never be the same.

May 24, 2013 - Part 1

I didn't sleep well
And I haven't for a few days.
My stomach's been in knots
And this morning was no different.
I went to sleep wondering what emotions
Would come my way
And how I would react
How I would deal
What I would do
And I woke up with the same question.

My dear neighbor,
And foster mom extraordinaire
Watched the girls while I worked this morning,
Grabbed them their favorite Panda Express
And we ate lunch together
Then watched Disney channel
And waited for 2:00.
The time the case manager said she would be coming
To get the girls.

At 2:25
My cell phone rang
And it was the CPS driver
Here in the driveway to pick up the girls

With that
Miss M ran out the door
And got in the car
Of the total stranger
And Ms. O and I
Put their last clothes tubs in the van.

Then I had to ask Miss M
To come out and at least give me a hug goodbye.
Then Ms. O said goodbye with her hugs.
And they were gone.

It was the most
Anti-climatic event
Of my entire life.

And the emotion,
The main emotion,
That I immediately felt
And has been creeping over me back and forth all evening is
Anger.
Yes.
I was mad.
I sure didn't see that emotion coming today.

Mad that the casework didn't come and pick them up herself,
Mad that the casework didn't even say "thank you"
Mad that Miss M didn't even care to say goodbye
Mad that Miss M called me Mommy within an hour of meeting me and no emotion when leaving
Mad that this was done
Mad that I was glad this was done
Mad that I that was mad
Mad that the reunification hadn't happened earlier
Mad that CPS had been such a pain in the butt
Mad that I wasn't feeling any other emotions
Mad that I was attached as I was
Mad that I started detaching as I was
Mad that I can't just cry and get it over with.

Seriously.
Mad?
This was not one of the emotions I expected today.
Never in a million years.

Really
I just wish I would cry
And process in a different way
Other than this weird emotion of being mad.
It's not an emotion I typically struggle with
And today it's hit me out of the blue.

I assume they got to their mom's without issue
I have thought about texting
Thought about calling
But
My role
My job
It has changed
It is done in most ways.

And now
I'll just have to wait
Wait for the emotional
Teary
Breakdown
That is bound to come at some very inopportune time
(Like it always does with me when I finally build up to a cry)

The Time Has Come

Two tubs of toys
For both girls
Went with them to their mom's
Last Saturday.

Phone call came Wednesday at noon
Paperwork was signed by the judge
Girls returning home.

Mixed emotions.
So many mixed emotions.
Words cannot explain
What my brain can't process.

Tomorrow,
Friday, May 24, 2013
Is the reunification date.

The girls are excited
And happy
But also anxious.

Their mom is excited
And happy
But also anxious.

I am...
I am...
I don't know what I am.
And that's okay.
There is no book for this process.

Tonight we packed up the clothes
2 tub fills each
And a suitcase
And a box of shoes each

Then a run to Sams
Filling up the cart
With a celebration gift of
Mac and cheese
Ramen noodles
Ravioli
Cheerios
Spaghetti
Etc.
Etc.
And a bouquet of flowers.

Take the full car
To their mom's
Tonight
Seeing them together
So excited for tomorrow
And putting their family back together again

After showers we enjoyed our last
Bible reading together on the couch
And then our last nighttime prayers together
Hearing the girls pray for
Strength, wisdom, protection
Hearing the girls praying the promises of
Jeremiah 29:11
Hearing the girls praise God for His
Perfect timing.

Tomorrow
Sometime in the afternoon
Miss M and Ms. O
Will be reunited
With their mom
And their brother
And a family will be together
And God is good.

Tomorrow.
The time has come,
Tomorrow.
Just as God ordained.

Something from the Heart

I was contacted by my church's foster care support group and asked to put into writing my foster care experiences over the past year.  I honestly don't know what they are planning to do with it or how they may or may not use it, but here are the ramblings that came out...

Just in case you didn't know...May is National Foster Care Awareness Month.

A year ago I was a single woman mostly content in my solitary life of work, family, friends, church, and travel.  Now, a year later, I am a single foster mother of two tween age girls who will soon be leaving my home, after 9 months together, to be reunited with their biological mother and am fervently praying for the Lord’s guidance in the next sibling groups He means to have me mother for whatever period of time He deems.  And…I have never been more at peace, more content, and felt more blessed in my entire life.

There was no sign from heaven, no lightning bolt from the sky, or a-hit-me-over-the-head-message at church – but over the span of about six months in the spring/summer of 2011 there was a constant, still, small voice saying “you have an extra bedroom, you should foster children.”  At first I ignored it, coming up with multiple reasons in my head as to why not.  While I’ve had a heart for adoption since I was 10, fostering was not on my radar.  The biggest issue was always – but how can I give them back after having them in my home and parenting them for a period of time. My heart would break.  Then there was the issues of single parenting, the financial burden, providing homes for children involved in the broken CPS system, child care, my loss of alone time, my giving up the life I was used to, etc., etc. was always rolling around in my head after hearing/feeling these promptings from God.  But His voice, His prompting did not go away and I knew, from previous experiences in my life, that delayed obedience to God’s promptings makes for a miserable walk. 

In October 2011, I attended an hour long orientation meeting with Kids Consortium and walked away with a list of possible agencies to contact about becoming a licensed foster parent.  By December the Lord had lead me to contact Christian Family Care Agency and in January I meet with my licensing worker.  Between February and April of 2012, I participated in the 10 weeks of PS-MAPP training at a local church with 12 other married couples. In April I was starting to panic about how I would build my support system as a new foster parent, and my church, Mission Community Church, announced their foster care initiative of Esther’s Hope.  Again the Lord was stopping me in the middle of my worries and providing for me and my future foster children. By May I was finishing my licensing paperwork and the state came through and approved my two-bedroom condo to foster children.  Following the home study interview with my licensing worker from Christian Family Care Agency in June, my paperwork was submitted and thus the waiting game began.  Three weeks later, and 9 months after stepping forward in obedience to the Lord’s calling on my life, I was officially a licensed foster mother.

For about a week, calls came in, and I said yes, but the Lord said no . . . He had other plans for those children.  On July 31, my first placement came to live with me.  When I heard some details of her reasoning for placement, I wondered if I was the right person to care for this young girl, but then the Lord showed me yes when it was revealed that she had the same name and was the same age as my only niece.  Okay, God.  Let’s do this thing.

My sweet Miss A was a talker, was a joy, and a sponge for the Lord’s truth.  She visited her mom every week, and each week I sent her to the visit with a daily journal book for her mom about her daughter’s week, progress, and activities.  A month later, the two of us started talking on the phone and she shared her desire for her other daughter, who was at a different placement, to come and live with me as well.  In October, Miss B came to live with us and my girls and I settled in to life together.  After months of asking CPS to set up an ice-breaker meeting with the girls’ mom, I finally stepped forward and just told CPS that I was going to invite the girls’ mom to join us at the Esther’s Hope Festival in November.  The girls and I drove about 30 miles to go and pick her up and it was like meeting up with a long-lost friend.  The afternoon spent together at Misson’s Esther’s Hope Festival was the perfect icebreaker for us.  It was time for she and I to bond while spending time together with the girls.  I knew the girls loved their mom, and I knew she loved them, but there is nothing like seeing that love first hand.  From the moment Miss A was placed with me, I knew the plan for the girls was reunification with their mother, and our time together at the festival solidify my support for her and reunification.  We began to pray for each other and I began to tell her that I loved her at the end of each phone call. 

Thus began a co-parenting, teamwork, support bridge between myself and the girls’ bio mom.  We began to pray for each other and I began to tell her that I loved her at the end of each phone call.  We spent time together over the holidays for the sake of the girls.  The relationship the Lord has allowed me to build with the girls’ mom is surreal in some ways.  They talk about it all the time in training class, but it seems impossible to be honest.  Of the 6 other families that I was trained with that were also licensed, none of the other families have been given the opportunities to bond with their foster’s children’s biological parents like I have.  I am a single foster mother fostering the children of a single mother.  The Lord knew she would need me and I would need her and we would each learn to rely on Him in completely new and different ways as we co-parent these two growing girls in His truth and grace.

As we are just weeks away from the girls returning to live with their mom, I get the question/comment “How can you let them go back? I could never foster because I could never give the kids up.”  Truth is…who could?  I can’t either.  But this isn’t about me.  This is about what God called me to do.  He asked me to open my home, and my heart, to two sweet girls who needed a safe and loving place to live for a season.  When I took them into my home, I didn’t know how long the season would be, but no matter how long it would be, it would be hard.  I can’t give them up.  But, God has them in His hands and He will provide for each of us as we need.  I began praying this verse over the girls in December when some things in their case began to change and the timeline we thought we were on took a detour.  Now my girls pray it for themselves and it hangs above the fireplace mantle in our home.  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11.

A year after stepping forward to become a licensed foster parent, I now sold my two bedroom condo for a three bedroom house, traded in my hatchback for a SUV, do more laundry in a week than I used to do in a month, watch Disney Channel and sing along with the theme songs, and have a pantry full of school snacks.  I sleep in a house filled with nightlights, have figured out that you can buy cheap used Barbies at Goodwill, and know what restaurants have Kids’ Eat Free nights which days of the week.  I don’t recognize my own life sometimes but honestly, I love that.  

Submitting to the Lord’s prompting to open my home to children who need foster homes and a safe and loving environment hasn’t been easy, but the bumps and roller coaster focusing on that would take another three pages – however, it has taught me to pray in a new way, to trust in His plans, and to rely on His strength.  I still don’t know how I will handle it when they return home to their mom, but when I see the joy and happiness on their faces when they have their weekly visits, how can I not be happy for them all.  God is in control and He will continue to prompt, lead, and provide for me, for the girls, for their mom, and for the next children He sends into my life…of that I am sure.

MIA

I've been MIA
For too long
I've had a blogs roll around in my head
Over and over
But
I never put them down into words.

Why?

Too tired
Too hard
Too many unknowns
Too many same old same old issues
Too many frustrations
Too many questions
Too much.

On the good side,
I now live next door to another foster family
And I get some person-to-person processing
(Which God knew I needed, desparately.)
And it has been my saving grace these past few months.
The girls are doing great
And finally have started some therapy.
The girls' mom is doing great
And working full-time.
We are almost done with the school year.
The girls have been enjoying overnight visits with their mom and brother.
Reunification is probably in T-5 days, or less.

On the bad side,
We've had the flu, strep
And then the flu and strep again.
Not cool.
Then we've had meltdowns with lying, disrespect, etc.
As we've moved through big changes in their case and timeline for returning home.
We've had even less communication from CPS in all these changes
Then we have had since the girls came to live with me.
The girls will be leaving in T-5 days, or less.

Yes,
The girls will be heading home to live with their mom
In just a matter of days.
It's good.
It's hard.
It's happy.
It's sad.
It's exciting.
It's frustrating.
It's too much to process.

Seriously.
Way too much to process.
I mean...
How do you say goodbye to two girls
Who have been your 24-7 life since July 31?
How do you prepare yourself for two girls
Leaving who have been in your daily life for 9 months?

At the same time...
How do you not be excited for two girls
To be reunited with their mom and their brother
Whom they love
And are loved by
And be excited for a family being reunited?

Friends, family, co-workers
Are kind
Are thoughtful
Are concerned.
But I don't have answers for their questions.

How can you let them go?
    I can't. But I have peace in His plan, His protection, His will.
How is their mom going to do with them all back home?
    I don't know. But I have to trust in His guidance, His protection.
How are the girls feeling about it?
    Excited, nervous, excited, sad, excited, happy, excited
How am you dealing with it?
    I don't know. This isn't normal. I have no frame of reference.
How long will you wait until talking more kids into my home?
    I don't want to wait. Kids need homes. I have beds.
I could never do what you are doing?
    I am just doing what God called me to do and He is equipping me to move forward.
    Doing what God asks isn't easy...but He gives me peace in the gray times.

I'm an emotional roller coaster
And have been sick with a cough and no voice for four days because of it.
(I tend to get stress-sick...not cool.)
The CPS caseworker has been worse with communication that ever
Which adds a whole level of stress to this situation that is unexplainable
And unexcuseable.

The best thing about this reunification
Is that I know the girls will be in my life
And their mom
For years to come.
We are friends.
We have been co-parents.
We have been supports to each other.

I know friends who have had to return kids to homes
Homes where they were scared for the kids safety.
Homes where they knew they would never see or have contact with the kids again.

Please keep us all in your prayers over the next week and beyond.
We are all just waiting for the judge to sign the paperwork
Which will send the girls home.
We are also finishing the last three days of school
And fighting off colds, strep, and coughs.
Stress is eating me in a variety of ways
And manifesting itself in random ways at random times with the girls
As would be expected.
And the lack of communication from CPS for the girls' mom
Is causing extra stress and
It is going to be a big adjustment for her with the three kids moving back.

For I know the plans I have for you,
Declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11