Alone

Seven weeks.
The transition process
For the Littles to be moving home
Has been seven
Long
Hard
Emotional
Weeks.
And on the 8th weekend,
July 4th,
They will move home
And leave me.
And I am happy for them.
And I am sad for me.
And I am heartbroken.
And I am hopeful.
And I am lonely.
And they haven't even left yet.

And during these seven weeks of weekend visits
Six of those including overnights
But
God knew
I needed to still have a full house
I needed to still take care of kids
I couldn't handle a quiet house
And I didn't have to.
Every single weekend since the overnight visit
I have had little visitors sleeping over.
In fact,
I have only had six days
Nonconsecutive
Since school got out for the summer
That I haven't had an extra kid
Or two
Or three
Or even four
At my house
For respite
Official
And unofficial.

I didn't know what the summer would bring
So I purposefully
Took no summer classes
Did no extra summer school jobs
Like I usually do
And the Lord has used that
To fill my house
With lots of foster
And adopted kiddos
Whose parents needed help
For one reason or another
Sometimes just for a day
Sometimes for a weekend
Sometimes for a week.
And it has been fun
And interesting
And entertaining
And honestly
Eventually exhausting.

But God knew I would need it.
And God knows I thrive off of crazy
And God knows that
Sometimes
Too much time
In my head
Alone with my thoughts
Lack of busyness
Is not a good thing for me.
I deal better with lots going on
And it keeps me afloat
And keeps me "sane."

Then this past week
The exhaustion hit me
A lot of kids coming and going
A lot of extra responsibilities
A lot of emotions I was needing to deal with
And, like I usually do,
It means
I started to crave alone time
And,
I started to crave it in ways I haven't for many months
And,
Only as God can,
He had prepared the way for me for that alone time as well
Before I even knew I would need it.
I had my two littles this past week
And two extra littles this past week
But God provided daycare for all of them
All week
And I got some alone-time
Some catch-up time
Some downtime
And it was good.

And it lead up to tonight.
Tonight.
My first night alone in this house
With no Littles
With no extra kiddos
With no little bodies in the house with me.
And I am ready for this alone night now.
I wasn't seven weekends ago.

But tonight
I am alone
And I am strong
Because God is by my side
And He is paving the way
And has been all along
And it is all in His hands
And I am at peace with that.

And tomorrow
The Littles come home for four last days
And Tuesday another little girl comes to join me for eight
And God is giving me a little one to love
Over Independence weekend
-My first in Arizona since I moved here 11 years ago-
And He is already opening doors to new little girls
To possibly come and live with me as of this weekend
Or next Monday.

You got this, God.


Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9

Transitioning Pains

Weekend visits for the Littles started six weeks ago.
Weekends with mom
Weekdays with me
The transition plan started well
Slow, realistic, doable
While yet mentally
Physically
Emotionally
Exhausting.

Court was a 11 days ago
Thought the Littles were going home that day.
Packed
And prepared
As much as one can
For that to happen
But the judge changed up the transition plans for them to go home.
Miz N first.
Then Mr. Smiley, the baby
And then the Littles.
Makes sense on paper,
But in reality -
Transitions had been already going for four weeks
And now they were recommending an additional six.

And so the weekend visits continue.
And the longer we go,
The harder it is.
For her.
For them.
For me.

The Littles are confused.
Who can blame them.
The first four weeks I saw growth in them.
In their mom.
I saw them starting to settle
Starting to bond
Starting to transition
But the longer we go,
We are starting to revert.
Revert emotionally
Revert behaviorally
Revert.
And it is painful to watch.

Transitions are good
But there is a point when you have to
Stop transitioning
And move forward
Move on
And we have reached this point.

Some may read this is feel confused.
How could I ever say this?
How could I want them to go?
Believe me, I have tortured myself with these questions.
It's like the question/statement:
"I could never foster because I could never let them leave."

I can't.
I don't want to.
But it is best for them.
But it is best for their mom.
When you see things
Changes
And not for the better
That are occurring
Because the transition is taking too long
Because the transition doesn't seem to have an end in sight
Because people make decisions about the transitions without looking at the whole picture
Because people make decisions about transitions without talking to the people in their daily lives
Because people make decisions without thinking about kids' emotional states
Because it is a broken system
You have to let go.
You have to go to bat for them.
You have to tell "people" what you observe
You have to tell "people" it is time.
For her sake.
For their sake.
For your heart.

Six weeks of weekend transitions
With more to come
Is too much.
At least in this case.
In this family.
For these Littles.

It's like being part of a rely race
The baton is meant to be passed on,
Not passed back and forth between runners.
The baton(s) moves forward with a runner forward 100 m
Then that runner takes it forward for another 100 m
And then instead of running forward another 100 m
It instead is brought back to the starting line
And you just keep rerunning that 100 m path over and over again
And always ending back in the start position
And you are always waiting for the gun to signal another start
And the road is starting to crumble
And the path is worn down
And the runners aren't running anymore - they are crawling
And the baton(s) are tired and confused and unsure which way they are supposed to be going
And it isn't a rely race
It is a rat's race.

The mission of this transition time has been met.
The Littles' Mom and I talk
A lot
And we share
A lot
And she is ready
And she is willing
And she is trying
And she is being honest
And she is being realistic
But it is so hard to get anything started
When you have 48 hours
And then a five-day separation
And then another 48 hours together
And it has been going on for six weeks.

The mission of the transition was bonding
Was starting of attachments
And those are happening
But again - 48 hours together and then five days separation
How is that not confusing for a 2 and a 3 year old?
They come
They go
They ask
They question
They cling
They whine
They cry
They worry.

Pray for us this week
As we pass the baton(s) back
Yet again
And my Littles and I do life together
Trying to find normalcy in the midst of the confusion
And pray as I step forward on their behalf
In a new
A bolder
A more vocal
Step forward in explaining
To "the people"
How this transition "plan" is going
How it is becoming "too much"
How it is going on "too long"
How it is affecting the Littles
How it is effecting the Littles
How it needs to have an end date/a move date
How it needs to be sooner than later.