Me and My Gal

Today was FINALLY
The day
I have been waiting for
Praying for
Wondering if
We would make it to.

It was a big appointment day
For Miz N
And I honestly didn't know if we would make it to
"The first appointment available"
When they gave it to me exactly 30 days ago,
But by God's grace
(And a bunch of chewed off fingernails
Too many peanut m&ms
And a lot of take-out meals)
We made it to today.

We met the doctor.
I talked.
Miz N answered questions.
(All while sitting on my lap,
Draping her body over mine,
And begging to play the iPod
Any time a topic wasn't directed at her.)
The doctor responded and took a lot of notes.
And we are moving forward with new plans
With new things to try
With new techniques and strategies to implement
Because the doctor said,
"We can move forward with this plan
Because you are providing her with stability
Unlike she has ever had in her young life."
And I teared up.
And Miz N's response as we left was
"I am blessed that you love me enough to take me to the doctor to get help."
Sigh.
(All this after a particularly trying previous 24 hours.)

Then,
After the two hour appointment,
We played "hooky" from school.
(Or as Miz N kept saying,
"I am hooky from school today."
Yeah - hope that doesn't get around too far.)

We enjoyed breakfast at Matt's Big Breakfast.
Miz N was excited to go to a "special", "unique" restaurant
That was once on TV
And then she said,
"I think we should go look for tadpoles at the nature preserve."
And so we did.

 

And when we finished,
Miz N said,
"I got to pick one thing -
It's your turn."
And I picked Christmas pedicures.

Then the phone went dead
(Note to self-
When enjoying a foster mother-foster daughter day
Be prepared to a take a lot of pictures
And remember to bring the phone charger along.)
So there aren't pictures of the finished project,
But Miz N declared it "the best day ever"
And then later changed it to,
"One of my top-ten best days".
Because she kept coming up with other memories of things we have done together
In the past six months.
Yes.
Six months, as of tomorrow.
Unbelievable.
 
I enjoyed listening to my girl.
Holding her hand.
Listening to her inquisitive ways.
Shaking my head at her imagination.
Rolling my eyes at her endless Christmas jokes
(Seriously - who let the kid check out 101 Christmas jokes from the library?
She can't remember what I told her 10 seconds earlier, but she can quote
Twenty-plus jokes that she only read once!)
And
It was good.
Good to reconnect.
Good to just spend time together.
Good to just be free.
Good to just be spontaneous.
Good to just be slow.
Good to be us.

Please keep us both in your prayers.
We have a long way to go
And some big hurdles to begin to jump through
And I can't share anything beyond what I have said,
But pray for a little 8 year old girl.
Pray for peace of mind.
Pray for acceptance of self.
Pray for a content joy for life.
Pray for her body to be accepting of the new strategies
And new techniques we are going to be introducing.

Love and Thanks

Tonight I was reading through some posts on one of the foster/adopt support group pages I frequent and was appalled and saddened to read about a member who is struggling this Christmas because her family has said she and her family were not invited to family Christmas if they brought along their foster son.  Other member shared that they were invited to go up north for a holiday weekend but were told not to bring along their foster children, only their biological children.

I am speechless.

As I was reflecting, and re-reading my own blog from last week, and talking about it with my mom, I realized how much my own family is invested - and has been - invested in my foster children.

This calling on my life is from the Lord. 
Of that I have no doubt.
I live 2000 miles away from my immediate family
But they have been supportive
Beyond words
Of my calling.

They meet Miss M and Ms. O last year
And loved on them like their own
Grandchildren
Nieces
Cousins

They meet Miz N in July
When we came home for the 4th
And in the last six months
They have all made special visits out here
To meet
And love on
The Littles
And all desiring to be out here again
Afraid they might not see them again.

Every picture they take
They include them in
Even in creative ways with back of heads
Or willing to star out faces

Every conversation we have
Rolls back to them.
 
Every birthday is celebrated.
Every milestone is praised.
Every day they are covered in prayers.
Their text messages
And inbox-es
Are full of pictures
And videos
Of my crew
And they love them like I do.
And I can't express
Ever
How much that means to.

My family.
My mom.
My dad.
My sister.
My other sister.
My niece.
They are 2000 miles away
In Michigan
But they love my foster kids.
They want to get to know them.
They want to spend time with them.
They want to spoil them.
They want to love on them.
And they do.

And I cannot imagine what I would do
If they weren't really to risk
The hurt that comes with the love for these
Dear foster children the Lord lends me for a time
For a moment.
For a lifetime - in the heart.

(And my family is learning first-hand
Why I came home to Michigan every
9-12 weeks
When my niece was a Little herself.
They are just too much fun
And they just change way too fast!)

Also
I have dear friends here in the valley
Who have stayed close to me throughout this process
And shown me
And my kiddos
Love
And support in ways I cannot express.
Dear friends who accept my new life the way it is
And make our relationships work out 
Despite three kids running around every conversation.

There have been other relationships,
Friendships,
That have been strained because my new life is not convenient
Or doesn't fit into the mold it used to
But the Lord has filled
With overflowing
Those holes
With new relationships
With new support structures
With new friends
And they are my rocks.

Despite my ability to talk to just about anyone
I actually am quite an introvert
Who likes to stay close at home
And with that comes
A lot of
Internalization.
Self-doubt.
Stress.
Worry.
But it means the world to me that I have these
Friends in Arizona
Friends in Michigan
Friends scattered around the US
And my amazing family
To turn to
For prayer
For support
For a listening ear
For a lending hand.

Thank you, Mom.
Thank you, Dad.
Thank you, Kayleen.
Thank you, Janelle.
Thank you, Mikayla.
Thank you, Sarah.
Thank you, my PS MAPP peeps.
Thank you, my FB support pages.
Thank you, my FB and blog reading/praying friends.
(Those who comment and/or like and/or stalk.) :-)
Thank you, Sara.
Thank you, Mission Kids team.
Thank you, My Pueblo teaching team.
Thank you, Various valley-wide fostering support programs.
Thank you, Anonymous givers of gift cards and money from time to time.
Thank you, Anyone I forgot.
Thank you, God.

Forever in My Heart

I was supposed to foster school-aged kids.
That was the plan.
That was my plan.
But
Obviously, not God's.

The Littles
At the beginning
Were nearly my un-doing.
But now
Seriously
Every day
Multiple times a day
I think
How am I ever going to let them go?

Miz N and I are connected
We are working it out,
Day by day
Step by step
And I love her to pieces
But there is something about this toddler age
That has captured my heart
In a way that I could have never expected
Never anticpated
Never understand.

Little Man's
Wrap hugs around my legs
Hands covering mouth with fake giggles
Calls of Mama/May-ann
Squeals of laughter
Pucked lips for kisses
Duel thumbs up at every bite
Running into my arms at 3-2-1
Wide eyes and big nods of 'yes'

A-girl's
Blows of Christmas tree ornaments
Purposeful arguments to make me laugh
Pointy finger asking "one more time?"
Proud screams of "I poop, I pee" from the bathroom
Crazy hair mornings with arms wrapped around my neck
Begs for "snuggle me, snuggle me"
Bursts of giggles after farts and burps followed by "cuse me"

I look at them
And I think
These littles are going to break my heart
And tonight
The dam finally burst.

Little Man woke up screaming
About three hours after falling asleep
And I figured it must be pain from his perputeual teething
Because he wasn't even opening his eyes.
A dose of tynelol and oral-gel
And he was back in my arms just cuddling
Having those content sighs mixed in with the left over gasps of cries
And as his breathing slowed
I started crying
Okay
Bawling.
How am I going to live without these kiddos.
They are my heart.
They are my life.
It's been almost 6 months
And by far the hardest
Most challenging
Happiest
Joy-filled
Laughter-filled
Six months of my life
And
There is no upcoming timeline on its end
But my brain
And my heart
Is suddenly fixating on their potential departure
And my heart is breaking
Already
At just the thought.
Maybe it's because of the holidays?
Maybe it's because of another upcoming birthday?
Maybe it's just because I truly love them more than words can say?

But then
Just as I was starting to pull myself together
Little Man opened his eyes
And reached up his little hand
And wiped some tears away off my cheek
And then smiled.

And
I
Cried
Some
More.