Freaking Out

Lest anyone think I have it all together
Let me burst any bubbles you possibly
And erroneously
Have

My "Only God" posts are truly goose bump posts for me
And these Only God moments
Are the tiny thread of assurance that have been holding me together
But
I am
And I have been
On the verge of freak-out mode
On the verge of foster-momma meltdown

You see
I like control.
I like order.
I like to have my ducks in a row.
I am the first born.
And this summer has really
REALLY
Been a stretch for me
A growing time for me
As far as it goes for
Patience
Flexibility
Scheduling
Organization
Going with the flow
Keeping my hands off
Letting Go and Letting God
And about a million other things...
(Half of which I don't want to admit)
But
In reality
My head still spins a mile a minute
Okay -
Who am I kidding -
A light year a minute -
With freak-out thoughts
And I have to stop the spinning and
Process
Which means
Confess.
Accept.
Admit.
WRITE.

Do you realize that last night I had my first
Going back to school nightmare?
NIGHTMARE!!!
It entailed
Three little girls taking turns not sleeping all night
A foster momma not getting any sleep
A foster momma missing first period math class
A foster momma getting fired because it was the third time she had done it that school year
A foster momma forgetting a baby in the back of her car
And a foster momma going to jail for life.

Um. Yeah.
That foster momma was me, folks.
Freaking out here.
And this is also why I should not read the news
Or any Yahoo cover stories.

Do you realize that I have a six-week old baby girl
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
Moving into my house tomorrow?
SIX WEEKS!
She only weighs nine pounds!
NINE!

What the heck am I thinking?
What the heck is God thinking?

Do you realize that I start school again
In 21 days!
TWENTY ONE!
And I am teaching a brand new subject
(Yay - 6th grade math)
With three
(Well, two and a half, I guess)
New preps
And I have not done a lick
NOT A SINGLE LICK
Of school work since I have left the last day of school?

This is so not like me.
Not at all.
And yet the rolling cart of summer work
Sits on the floor next to me as I type.
Yet untouched.

Do you realize that in 10 days
TEN
My sister is moving down here
(Yay! Teaching in my district! Yay!)
And moving in with me for the first year
(Yay! I think we can still live together after all these years!)
And I have a bedroom to clean out for her
And a closet to clean out for her
And I need to make room for her
And -
When she moves out here
My parents are helping her drive out here
And that means two more house guests
(Yay! They get to meet the three little misses!)
And more bodies in the house.

Yup.
There are a lot of yays in that above freak out
Laced with a whole lot of
Panic.

Do you realize that I may never sleep again?
NEVER!
And that I love, love,
Did I say LOVE?
To sleep
And a newborn doesn't understand the need for adult sleep.

See - freaking out about lack of upcoming sleep
And usually freaking out about it while I should be sleeping.

Do you realize that I have to find an in-home daycare
For a six week old baby
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
(Who will be eight weeks by daycare time)
Because my agency won't let babies attend group daycares?
And
I am sorry, folks
But I have called
And called
And called
In-home
DES-approved daycares
In a 10 miles radius from my home
And it is scary
SCARY!
My notes next to some of the phone numbers I called say
"Bad feeling."
"Gut says no."
And
"Oh, hell no."

My stomach is starting to ache.
Seriously.

Do you realize that I have to take
Three Little Misses
To three separate
SEPARATE
New patient appointments
At the same doctor
On three separate days this week
Because they only do four new-patient appointments a day
And none of those set times are back to back?

I think I got the new scheduler when I called.
And honestly, this makes me the most upset
Because it means I can't wear the same outfit
Three days in a row
Like I have for most of the summer.
Oy vey.
I have issues.

Do you realize I have
Re-washed the same set of laundry
At least four times in the past two days
FOUR
Because I keep forgetting to go switch it to the dryer
Even though the very loud
BEEP
Goes off each time?

This wouldn't be a freak out mode if I wasn't in the middle of
"High Summer Energy Costs"
And getting daily reminders from SRP that my electric bill
Is already over $220 for the month and it is only July 7th!

Do you realize that I have two new little girls
NEW
Sleeping in the room next to where I am typing
And I honestly have looked at them a few times
In the past few days
And panicked
Because
I
COULD
NOT
REMEMBER
ONE
or both
OF THEIR NAMES!!!!

It's shameful.
It's embarrassing.
But - seriously -
I have done respite for 12 different kids this summer
Before they moved in with me!

Do you realize that I have wasted
An extraordinary amount of time
PRECIOUS TIME
Processing
Writing
This blog
When I do be dealing with half of the things I am freaking out about?

Yeah - I realize it, too.
But don't you dare point it out to me.
I am signing off now and going to watch some Netflix.
So there.

Only God, Part II

Only God
Would have two different tables
Come up to me and the Littles
On our last dinner out together
At their favorite restaurant
To tell me what wonderful children they were
And I could share that it was our last meal together as a foster family
And that they were being reunited with their mommy.

Only God
Would have A-girl tell me that she loves me
And that she will call me
And that she will have to come to her birthday party
On the way to their home.

Only God
Would have Little Man
Ask to hold my hand
As we were driving to their home
And then unconsciously rub it with his thumb as I drive down the 101.

Only God
Would allow me a bittersweet goodbye with my Littles
And as I am driving home pondering our past year together
Receive a phone call on the way home
From Miss M and Ms. O
Who have moved to the NE corner of the USA
And are happy
And are healthy
And just wanted to call to say they missed me.

Only God
Would have placed Petite Little Miss
In a home on the other side of Phoenix
Who just happens to be licensed through my same agency
Who just happens to be a stronger believer
Who just happens to have been praying for the Three Little Misses to be placed together
Who just happens to have been meeting an extra hour a week
With the Three Little Misses mom
To give her a little extra one-on-one time with Petite Little Miss
And to start praying with her
And to start reaching out to her
And who just happens to have been praying that the new foster momma
Would want to do the same.

Only God
Would have me signed up to provide respite for another foster child
During this transition time
And have my sweet neighbors - and fellow foster parents - and good friends
Call out of the blue
And ask if they could finish up the respite for this young girl
So I could have the transition night alone
After I said goodbye to the Littles
And then have the weekend and remaining days
Alone with two of my Three Little Misses
Before Petite Little Miss moves in on Tuesday afternoon.

Only God
Would have provided me with a heart of excitement
To go and pick up Big Little Miss
And Medium Little Miss
15 hours after dropping off the Littles
And have peace in my heart that this is right.

Only God
Would allow it to rain
Just a little
In the parking lot
As I picked up Big Little Miss and Medium Little Miss
From the shelter
Where they have been placed for the past six weeks
Rain just enough
To wash away the layer of dust on the van wall
That held the handprints of
Little Man
That held the dust drawing face of
A-girl

Only God
Would give me a heart full of pure love
And pure affection
For my Three Little Misses
(Before even meeting Petite Little Miss)
And yet not feel like I am replacing my Littles
And have room in my heart to love again
Even when I know it is just for a time
But it is for this time
And it is for these girls
And it is to help their mommy

Only God
Would provide me with two more
Sweet
Funny
Cute
With just the right amount of spice
Girls
To love on
To keep safe
To teach
To invest in.

Only God
Would have sense of humor to change my "desire"
For fostering school age girls
And to a love for fostering toddlers
And in this placement
Giving me three girls spanning three categories in foster care
Big Little Miss (5) - school age
Medium Little Miss (3 1/2) - toddler
Petite Little Miss (6 weeks) - newborn

Only God

Only God could prepare a longing in Little Man's heart
To say
When I tucked him in bed last night
"I go see my mommy?
My daddy?
My _____? (Little brother's name)
My_____? (Big sister's name)"
He has never said that before
He has never asked for anyone at bedtime
Besides me
And it was the peace my heart needed
Once again
To be assured
That it is time for them to move home.

Only God could give A-girl the words to say
Out of the blue
During bath time tonight
"I will miss you, Momma Maryann,
When I go,
But you will still love me."
Just as I have been trying to prepare her heart for
For eight weeks
And
Before the tears could flow too fast
She farted
And giggled
And said, "I fart, Maryann, and I make you laugh
Because I is silly girl."
And I did laugh
Belly laugh.

Only God would lead their mom
To call me tonight
To tell me a funny story about one of the other kids
And we could talk like friends
And I could hear the excitement in her voice
But we could also talk about the reality of the move

Only God would open the doors
Wide open
To have three little misses move into my house
The morning after I move A-girl and Little Man home
(Well, two on Friday and the baby on Tuesday.)


Only God would initially introduced these
Three little misses
To me just over six weeks ago
And when I thought doors were closing
On opening my home to them
He was just saying
"Not yet."

Only God would have been keeping these
Three little misses safe
Until I could reunite them all in my house
And love on them all
And providing them with others to love on them during this time.

Only God would have a sense of humor
To have me,
The girl who was only going to foster school-aged kiddos,
Thrilled to pieces to be welcoming in a
5 year old
3 year old
And 6 week old.
(Yes.  6 weeks. You all pray for me.)

Only God would give me the opportunity
To meet the older girls today
And hang out
And take pictures
And make plans for picking them up on Friday morning.

Only God would be able to open my heart up
To the opportunity to love and foster
Another's mother's children
Again
And so immediately
After my Littles leave my home
(But never my heart)
And give me the peace
And give me the joy
Of three new little misses coming to my home
Knowing it will be temporary
Knowing it will be challenging
Knowing it will be painful
Knowing it is His will.

Only God.