My Littles

Photo Credit- Brittany Janelle Photography

These two,
My Little Man,
My A-girl,
Have been the reason I have gotten up the past several weeks
Have been the reason I have smiled
Laughed
Giggled

Fake burped
Fake farted
Tickled
And chased.
The reason I kept moving forward.

In the midst of all this hard
These two have been my reason for carrying on
And not crawling into a corner of my bed
In the fetal position
And just give in.
Dramatic,
I know,
But reality in my brain the past several weeks.
Okay, months.

Miz N came first
In June
And I was immediately asked to consider taking these two littles in as well
My first reaction was
No way.
My second reaction was
No way.
But
They needed a home.
They needed to be together.

And I said yes.
And it happened.
And then July and August
I learned by trial and error.
I questioned what I was doing.
I wondered -
What the heck the Lord
Was thinking asking me
To take on two toddlers under 3!

Then
Just as I was starting to get into a flow with
Little Man
And A-girl
Miz N's issues started to come to light
To grow
To compound
To spiral
And suddenly I saw the Lord's plan for me having them.

They were my distraction.
They were my sunshine after the storms.
They were my comic relief in the mist of the explosions.
They were my surprise kisses and unexpected hugs.
They were the natural break to the tension that was boiling.
They were themselves and God knew I would need them.

Their little laundry kept me busy after bedtime
So I didn't eat too many peanut m&m's as therapy.
Their mid-night cries woke me up
So I didn't have to wallow in the fitful sleep.
Their burps and farts kept me laughing
So I didn't have to stay in a funk for long.
Their need for diapers, and drinks, and food kept me busy
So I had to carry on, and care, and be useful when I felt useless.

When I started this foster care journey
I strongly believed the Lord asked me to keep siblings together
(And I still do in many/most cases)
But
Through this journey
Of helping children who have experienced various levels of trauma
I have found that sometimes it is not best to keep siblings together.
Sometimes the trauma that has taken place
Has actually warped the sibling relationships in ways that it causes
Triggers
Jealousy
Anger
And sometimes it seems actually unhealthy for them to be together
And they need time apart to heal
To mend
To develop
To get help.
Not forever time,
But healing time.
And I pray this time apart will help.

When I made the decision
To ask to have Miz N moved to another home
I was so worried
Even though I knew it probably wouldn't be so
That those in charge would say that the Littles would have to go as well
But the entire team
The bio-parents
The caseworker
All agreed time apart for the Miz N and the Littles was best
For their growth
For their emotional health
And that having the Littles stay with me was a given.
Joy.
Peace.
Blessed.

My Littles.
My Little Man
  silly
  funny
  loud
  quirky
  loving
My A-girl
  smart
  sassy
  joking
  cuddly
  inquisitive
My Joys.
  despite the poppy diapers.
  despite the screaming tantrums.
  they are 3 1/2 and almost 2, heaven help me
  despite the arguing
  despite the living room always looking like this.

Today we just laid around the house.
We stayed in pjs all day.
They climbed all over me to watch me crush candy.
They fought over who should give me kisses first, and last.
They figured out that my cheeks could be squished into fish lips
They decided that my knee was broken and then needed to fix it with a band-aid
They checked my heartbeat a thousand times over.
They gave me their unconditional love without question.
And I looked at them with tears in my eyes
And thanked God for knowing better than me
As to just how much I would need them,
Maybe even more than they need me.

Letting Go

I don't even know where to begin
But I have to share
I have to write
I have to process
Because my mind might implode otherwise.

Things have been hard around here.
Really hard.
Honestly, since the beginning of October
It's been difficult
And stressful.

From Halloween to New Years
It was turned to troublesome
And concerning.
And then
From New Years to now
Its' been downright

Heartbreaking
Emotional
Confusing
Frustrating
Sad.

I had to
HAD TO
Make the amazingly
Tough
Heartbreaking
Agonizing
But right
YES, RIGHT
Decision
To ask to have Miz N moved to another foster home placement.

I cannot believe I am even typing those words
And that I have had to make the choice to let go.
That I made the decision to let her go.

For her sake
I won't
I can't
I refuse
To go into details.
But for her sake
But for mine and the Littles mental and physical and emotional health

I had to make the decision.

No one can possibly judge me more on this decision than I have myself.
Granted, some have tried.
"How could you separate siblings?"
"How could you give up on her?"
"How could you not try different things?"
"How could you?"

It basically came down to
How can we continue living this way?
How can I be of more help for Miz N?
How can I best care for the Littles?
How can I keep stressing myself out to the point of
Mental exhaustion
Physical sickness
Emotional roller coaster
On a day in
Day out
Basis.

"God doesn't give you more than you can handle."
"God will give you the strengthn."
"God will provide the resources."

True.
He will.
But sometimes,
It comes down to the fact that
He also gives you peace about letting go.

It feels so wrong to say that
A peace of letting go of a child
An innocent child?
I know other foster parents
Adoptive parents
Biological parents
Who deal with this plus so much more and
Then don't give up.
They don't let go.
So why did I?


Foster care is hard.
It's impossibly hard in some ways.
These children are scarred.
These children are traumatized.
These children sometimes need more from someone than they can give
Know how to give
Have energy to give.
When we open our homes to them
We usually don't know what help they will need
But we pray
We hope
We assume
We will be able to handle it
Help them
Provide for them
But
Sometimes
You
Can't.
I
Can't.
I
Couldn't.
Not anymore.

And sometimes God provides you a peace in the decision making
That releases you
To make the decision
And leave it in His hands.

There is a sense of guilt amid the peace
Guilt 
And
Shame
But, as wise friends reminded me,
Guilt 
And 
Shame
Is from the enemy
Conviction is from the Holy Spirit
Guilt 
And
Shame
Isn't from God.
All I know is there is a strange sense
Of calm
Of peace
Of rightness
In the midst of the 
Guilt
Shame
Confusion
Sadness
And 
Pain
And I been bottling them up 
And stacking them higher
And soon they are going to break
And crash
And scattered.
It's not going to be pretty. 

He has shown up, friends.
Big time.
My heart is busted in pieces
And I cannot believe I have let my
Sweet
Helpful
Adorable
Smart
Funny
Miz N
Leave my home
But I had to.
I HAD TO.

And He provided a new home.
A Christian home.
A two-parent home.
A home where she isn't competing with the attention of littles.
A home where she has dogs.
A home where she has a pool.
A home where she has a playmate her own age.
A home with more strategies and tools to help her 
And meet her
Where her needs require
Demand
Insist.

But - 
Why wasn't that me?
Why couldn't I do it?
How can I add more confusion and hurt to this precious girl?

Letting go of Miz N doesn't mean writing her out of my life
Never.
I couldn't.
But I also had to come to the conclusion that I was unable to provide her with all that she needed.

It's been just about three week now since I made this decision
And then
With many prayer partners behind me
Praying for God's plan to be fulfilled

And God provided a home for her.
A home she got to visit on respite
And get accustomed to for two weekends
And then the Lord opened the doors wide
For her to move there.
To live there.
To receive support there that I cannot provide.
To allow her to start afresh
To allow her to put into practice the supports she is receiving

This evening she moved.
I dropped her off.
I cried
A little
But not enough.
This blog has allowed me to cry some more
Which I need
But that got interrupted by a Little Man
Wide awake at 1:30 am
Needing a breathing treatment
And snuggles
And heaven knows
God knows
How much those snuggles mean to me.

And I don't know how to pray.
I don't know how to grieve.
I don't know how to forgive myself.
I don't know how to work out these emotions.

There isn't a book for 
"Hey, you had a foster child
A daughter
In your care for seven months
And you decided you couldn't do it anymore
That you couldn't provide the level of care she required
And you asked for them to find her a new home
And then did
And now 
While you feel at peace about the decision
For her
For the Littles
For you
You feel like the worst person alive
And that you have hurt a child in a way you never imagine possible
And it goes against every grain in your body
And here is how you deal with it in 10 easy steps!"

I don't know how to end this blog.
I have so much more out-loud
(Writing)
Processing to do.
To deal with.
To come.
So I will post some images that I have been filing through
That have brought me some thoughts to ponder
Some peace
Some contemplation.