July 31st - The M&M Twins are Together

11:01 am - I received a call from my agency and the worker went through a list of CPS emails from placements that morning and started asking me what I might be interested in.  We honed in on the need for an eight-year old girl to be placed in a new home.  I told my agency to let CPS know I was willing to take this placement, possibly, after I got a little more information.

11:15 am - CPS called me and gave me some more details.  I said I would be willing to accept this placement for this young 8-year old girl.  He was excited and told me to expect a phone call from this little girl's case worker.  (Where have I heard that before?)  Before hanging up this time, I got the phone number and full name of this CPS worker and of the little girls' CPS worker and supervisor...just in case.

11:36 am - I called my friend to check that IF I got a placement today would she be able to watch her tomorrow evening during my Meet the Teacher at the middle school.  She said yes and began to pray.


11:40 am - My agency on-going placement worker, V, called to ask me about the placement and if I had heard anything.  She encouraged me to call the girl's caseworker personally if I hadn't heard anything in two hours.

11:44 am - I called my sister to tell her the amazing God-goose bump-provision story that had taken place when I received the little girl's name, age, and birth date (which I can't tell here because it is a public media space - but would love to share in person sometime if you'd like to hear it!)  She began to pray and get excited as well.

12:30 pm - I picked up the phone and this was the gist of the phone call.  "Hi, Maryann.  My name is XXXX and I am a transporter for CPS.  I am on my way over to your house with your new placement, XXXX.  I just wanted to make sure you were home."

WHAT?!?!?!?!  I just went from the step I've gotten stuck at every day to the second to last step of "On my way over".  I hadn't talked with the caseworker and I was supposed to be helping monitor a district training with our staff from 1:00 - 3:00 and then facilitating one from 3:00 - 4:00! I told the worker I would call her back once I talked with my supervisor.

12:33 pm - The transportation worker calls back and says "If it would work better, I could drop XXXX off at your work and she could sit in the back until you are done."  Again, I told her I'd call back in 5-10 minutes.

I rushed around campus trying to find my principal and explained what was going on.  She agreed that I didn't need to really be there for the first training and I offered to come back and do the second one and she just decided to reschedule it.  (HOW AWESOME is she and my staff!!!) 

12:44 pm - I called back the transportation worker and told her I could be at my place by 1:30.  She said they would leave the office and be there by then.

I stuffed a bunch of items from my desk into my backpack and headed out the door.

12:58 pm  - 1:16 pm - I called my two sisters and mom to let them know about my placement and some details that I can't share here.

1:20 pm - I arrived home.

1:22 pm - I called my elementary school (across the parking lot and where I taught for 9 years) and checked that they still had open enrollment in 3rd grade...they did!  Thank you, God!

1:33 pm - I received a phone call from the transportation worker that she was at my place but didn't know which unit was mine.  I walked outside while talking to her and giving directions.  A white van pulled up and I met Miss M.  The worker took out her suitcase, told her to behave, and that was that.

I could go on with our timeline together today since the point she arrived at my house - but I don't have it in me and I'm sick of the timelines.  Here is what we accomplished....

• Unpacking
• Talking, talking, and more talking!  She isn't shy and I am SO thankful!
• Inventory of things we needed to buy - she wrote our shopping list - see below.
• A late lunch together - she helped me make Ramen noodles (her choice).
• Register for daycare for the next three days.
• Met her daycare teachers for the next three days and a few girls she could hang out with there.
• Register for school starting Monday.
• Introduced her to the new school, her new teacher, and where I work so she could picture it tomorrow when I am there all day and she's at daycare.
• Met Patty, where she'll be going tomorrow night, and discussed their plan to swim and play with Patty's dogs.
• Kept her busy with my I-Pod touch while I contacted the doctor and dentist to set up appointments required by CPS within the first days of placement.
• Shopped for her "need" list and allowed her 5 "fun" items from the 88 cents bins at Walmart.  I learned so much about her watching her pick, choose, weed, and change her mind.
• Talked, and talked, and talked some more - about family, about her previous placement, about her dreams, hopes, and fears.  (I LOVE that she LOVES to talk!)
• We went to dinner at Oregano's and we had dessert first (which was one of her roses of the day when we played roses and thorns before bed).
• She took her shower and I realized that I need an uncle to come out and look at my second bathroom's faucet and knobs. 
• Pair read a "Oh the places you'll go" and was impressed with her reading.
• Read a bible story together. (She wanted the one about the guy, the girl, the snake, and the apple.)
• Played roses and thorns.
• Prayed together - as few times - she decided she'd like us to hold hands.
• She said her prayers tonight - out loud - as signed off with "Talk with you tomorrow, Jesus."

Miss M's shopping list after our inventory...we've got a few things left to get, but we survived our first shopping experience together.  And at Walmart, no less!

I don't have any clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know she was in totally shock of the days events today - she told me it over and over many different ways.  She seemed happy and content to be here, but I am sure there is a fear and uncertainty among all of that as well.  Please pray for my Miss M.  Please pray for us as we move forward in these days of transition - especially as she faces three days of daycare before the weekend and then starting a new school on Monday.

Funny story before signing off - Miss M and I both have names that start with M and we both have December birthdays.  A few times today she referred to me as "Mommy" - which I was a little surprised at because she is quite connected with her biological mother and supposedly has weekly visits.  I finally, casually said something, and...as I expected, she was calling me that because she couldn't remember my name.  We nicknamed ourselves the M&M twins because of the above and then I told her to remember that Christmas is in December and if she thinks of that - she thinks of Merry Christmas - and that leads her to Maryann.  :-)  She liked that.

God is good.
God is faithful.
God is my strength.

Back to the roller coaster again...

Today's timeline of the roller coaster:

9:17 am - I got a call from V, but then she got in a dead zone and we couldn't talk.

9:40 am - I couldn't wait anymore and called her back.  She wanted to see if I had possibly gotten a placement over the weekend.  I told her no.

10:40 am - V called back to say she had heard there was a need for a placement for two girls and wondered if my agency, CFCA, called me to check with me about possibly taking the pair.

1:55 pm - I texted V back because I still hadn't heard from my agency about that set of girls and she said when she got more information it was for a 1 year old and 2 year old so they didn't call me.

2:13 pm - My agency called asking if I was willing to take a placement of a 6 year old boy who would be turning 7 on Wednesday.  He was currently placed with a relative, but for a specific reason (which I cannot share for privacy reasons) he needed to be moved today.  I said yes.  I was told to wait for a call from CPS.

2:31 pm - CPS called and asked if I would take the placement of this little guy and I said yes and then they said that I was accepted as the new foster care placement.  I was given the name of the little guy and his CPS caseworker who would be calling me shortly to set up the arrangements to bring him to me today.

3:10 pm - My agency called again and asked if I would be willing to take a placement of a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old boy. I let them know that CPS accepted the placement for the 6 year old boy (they hadn't received that confirmation from CPS yet and happened to get it via email while we were talking) and then I reminded them that I only have one bedroom and cannot take mixed gender placements (I didn't want a repeat of last week's roller coaster).

In between this time I started looking for daycare for this little guy for the rest of the week (tomorrow is the first day back with all the teachers at my school) and I found out that this is the only week during the entire year that my district-based daycare is closed.  Anyway, I found a daycare center nearby work that I know the owners of that are DHS licensed (required in order for them to pay for it) and they had openings.  I was to come by this evening before 6pm and fill out the paperwork.

I also was scurrying to finish all of my to-do lists for our Tuesday staff meetings as quickly as possible so I could be ready to leave once I heard from the CPS worker.

Fast-foward to 4:39 pm - I still hadn't heard a word from the little guy's caseworker so I tried calling back my CPS contact (because I know the offices close at 5:00 pm).  No answer.

4:40 pm - I called my agency and asked them if they knew anything.  They decided to email CPS as well and see what they could find out.

4:52 pm - I received a phone call from a CPS office in another part of town and I thought I was arranging the time to meet or have the little guy brought to my house.  But...alas, I was called to be told that they found another relative placement for this guy. 

4:56 pm - I called my agency and told them that I would not be having that placement because relative placement was found (YEAH for that little guy!) and to make sure that my name was on the list for tomorrow.  In the process of that conversation, I found out that my name on the list stated that I was open to taking children only ages 5-7.  I explained that my license is for ages 5-15.  It was suggested I call my on-going placement worker, V.

5:23 pm - V called me back and explained that she had placed the ages low in hope of giving me a "break" for my first placement.  I explained that I am very comfortable with the older kids - and actually an 8-12 year old makes me way less nervous than a 4 or 5 year old.  We decided to change my information on the list to be open to 5-10.

Celebrations:

1. This young little boy is going to be living with a new set of relatives!  So happy for him!
2. I got calls today!
3. I should get more calls tomorrow - and my age range is wider.
4. I found a daycare that can take my kids if I get a placement this week.
5. I learned even more about the foster care process and have more specific questions and information to get from each person as I talk with them in case I need to follow through.

Prayer requests:

1. For this little guy and the other little ones that I was called about today.  Pray for them, pray for their biological parents, pray for their new foster parents and foster siblings.
2. For me - today was hard.  In some ways, harder than other days.  Pray that I have faith even when it feels like the rug keeps getting pulled out from plans that seem to get set up.  I have to act when I get a call and get prepared, but it's hard when then you get called back and it's all cancelled.  I have such mixed emotions about this all because I have such a heart to begin this journey and I know there are tons and tons of kids out there without homes.  

Is this putting the cart before the horse???

Warning:  This blog will make no sense unless you put in context that I am a single, 36 year old woman who has lived alone from 10+ years and is soon (sooner than later, I pray) becoming a foster mother to two girls between the ages of 5 and 15.

 

Contents of My Refrigerator at 11:30 am, Sunday, July 29:

• Diet Pepsi
• Water
• Diet Pepsi
• Mexican Cheese
• Diet Pepsi
• Diced Onions
• Diet Pepsi
• A few random condiments from when my parents were here in February.
• Leftovers from my favorite restaurant

Contents of my Pantry at (see above):

• Tortilla Chips
• Cheerios
• Cheetos
• Nature Valley Granola Bars (the green ones)
• 2 boxes of Macaroni and Cheese
• 1 box of plain pasta

Contents of The Girls' Medicine Cabinet at (see above):

• Nada
• Nothing
• Zilch

I've been working all weekend on stopping my head from planning out "what-if-I-get-a-call-today" scenarios - but those of you who know me very well, I have a very hard time shutting down that part of my brain.  Today I had a small grocery list of random things I needed and I headed to Fry's after spending some time at work.  As I was in Fry's I started finding all kinds of "kid foods" on sale.  (My definition of kid food is what I see my niece like and my students bring to school in their lunch boxes.)  Before I knew it, my cart was filling up.

At some point I just decided to go with it and embrace the adventure.  It was either "putting the cart before the horse" or it was a "step of faith."  I vote for the second.  My shopping cart began to be filled with things I thought would be comforting and welcoming to a little girl or two who has been pulled from their home and may or may not have been feed lately.  I don't want my first hours of having my girls move in with me to be - "Let's go to the grocery store and figure out what you like to eat."

Then came the monsoon.  Another BIG one in the Gilbert area. 

Of course, I was ready to check out - but it was a down pour outside.  After waiting a bit, I decided to just plow through the puddles and pack the car.  It's never been so full and I've never had such a big grocery bill of randomness.  Bringing the bags in to the rain, into the car, back into the rain, and into the house was a fun little chore.  After unpacking and putting things away...

Contents of Our Refrigerator at 4:30 pm, Sunday, July 29th:

• All of the above with a little less Diet Pepsi - I needed to make room!
• Green Grapes
• Red Grapes
• Yogurt
• Milk
• Eggs
• Loaf of Bread
• Apples
• Green Peppers
• Apple Juice
• Capri Sun (always a fan favorite)
• Carrots
• Diced Pears
• Mandarin Oranges
• String Cheese
• Applesauce

Fresh produce! Say What?

A BIG Gallon of Milk

String Cheese (eww!)

Contents of Our Pantry at (see above time):

• I'll spare you the list...just check out the pictures below for details.

Pre de-bagging.  The bags were so wet from the rain that I had to wipe up puddles on the floor.

The loot.

Contents of The Girls' Medicine Cabinet:

• Toothbrushes
• Toothpaste
• Children's Shampoo
• Children's Conditioner
• Children's Body Wash
• Children's Tylenol
• Hairbrushes

 Contents of Girls' in the Girls' bedroom:

• Zero - but trusting and praying!

Well, that explains the lack of phone calls!

After the whirlwind of events on Wednesday, and seeing that they told me they had more than 18 emergency placement calls from CPS that day, I was sure I would hear from my agency, CFCA, on Thursday with a call to place a child or children in my house.  The entire day went pass and I did not receive a single phone call.  I was quite saddened, to be honest - but just had to believe Friday would be the day.

So...today is Friday and at 2:30 pm I still did not have a single call.  My license is for one or two girls ages 5-15.  I found it hard to believe that there were no needs for a child to be placed that fit that criteria.  On a whim, I decided to call the placement worker that I had been in communication with throughout the day on Wednesday.  I started to wonder if some where in the craziness of that day my name had gone off the list officially and then forgotten to be put back on.

Before I continue...I should explain that since starting to work with my agency, CFCA, in January I have worked with three different foster placement/licensing experts.  First I worked with D.  She started me on the process of all of the state paperwork and requirements and worked with her from January - June.  After D, I was assigned to work with A, because A would help me submit my license and then follow up with me as my on-going placement worker once I was licensed with children.  After working with A for three weeks, and following much prayer and consideration, I asked to be reassigned to a new on-going placement worker because A and I didn't seem like a good match.  (Which...I have learned through this process is a HUGE DEAL and my agency was very understanding and thanked me for being honest and stepping forward.)  Anyway - I digress.  I then was assigned to work with V about two weeks ago, and we are a great match.

Continuing on with today...

I called D, who had called me with the placement possibility on Wednesday.  When I told her I hadn't had any phone calls for placements in the past two days and she said,"Oh, Maryann - you weren't on the list.  I just saw the placement and knew you had been licensed and Monday and thought you'd be perfect."

I then explained that A, had called me with a placement on Tuesday, and D said, "A did the same thing when she saw the placement come through on Tuesday."  Then D suggested I call V and see what was going on.

I called V and basically it boils down to miscommunication and crossed wires.  She knew I got licensed on Monday, but had misinterpreted a conversation we had had the week before to mean I didn't want to be on the emergency placement list (calls that come from CPS when a child/children are removed directly from their homes) and only on the group/home displacement list (children who were removed from their homes but when they were removed there was no foster home available for them).  V wasn't at a computer right then, but she said to email her all my information again and she'd get me on the emergency list this afternoon.

About 4:30, I got an email from V that I was officially on the list now.  Now...this means I could possibly get a phone call this weekend - but the chances are great.  CPS has a list from all the agencies that is published earlier in the week and they call the homes directly on the weekends.  During the weekdays CPS calls the agencies directly and then the agencies call their people.  Because I am not on CPS's list this weekend, the only way I would get a call is if CPS would go through their list and have no homes available - then they might call an agency individually and ask for a new contact.  I'm not holding my breath.

I admit that today's news really made me upset, sad, and mad.  I've been waiting on pins and needles with anticipation and now I get the news that there was nothing happening.  The anger was fleeting - but I didn't like that it came.  Then it just turned to disappointment.

Sigh.


I took myself out to dinner.
Alone.
I wanted it that way.
I wasn't good company even to myself.
I had a frozen margarita.
Okay.  I had two.
I needed it.
Well, okay...I wanted it.

I am in a better head space now.  At the same time I work through the disappointment of not having a placement yet due to a clerical/miscommunication error, I also have to trust that it's part of God's perfect timing.  I don't get it because in MY perfect timing Thursday and Friday were perfect because I didn't have meetings today and then none of Monday so I could have been more flexible and gotten the girls settled in and situated.  But alas, it's NOT MY timing - it's HIS and I have to TRUST!

I have to LET GO.
I have to TRUST.
I have to WAIT on HIM.
I have to BELIEVE in HIS PERFECT WILL.
I have to BELIEVE in HIS PERFECT TIMING.


So, for now - the bedroom and beds are still empty - but I am TRUSTING in HIS TIMING.

So...this is an emotional roller coaster

A Little Bit of Background -
In reality I've thought about starting this blog as a reflective, processing activity for myself for several months as I have gone through the process of becoming a licensed foster care parent in the state of Arizona, but I just never got around to committing to it.  However, after being licensed for just 48 hours, I have decided I need to create this blog as a place to process and share what I am experiencing and how the Lord is teaching me to truly "let go and let God."

At 4:13 pm on Monday, July 23rd, I received my email from OLCR (Office of Licensing, Certification, and Regulation) which is part of the DES (Arizona Department of Economic Security).  My license is good for a year and states that I am available to take up to two female children ages 5-15.  On Tuesday morning I got my first placement request call from my agency (which walked me through the training and paperwork to become licensed) asking me if I was willing to open my home to an emergency placement (which means immediate) for two sisters, ages 3 and 5.  I didn't expect how hard it would be to say no even if I had confidence and peace in saying it.  My main reason was that I had just started the first day of my new job in my school district and was going to be in meetings all day Wednesday and Thursday and couldn't find child care within the allotted time.

And now for the Today's Emotional Roller Coaster Ride....

And it starts of slow and expected...
8:00 AM - I arrived at my district training that I would be in until 11:00 AM.  I shared the good news that I was officially a licensed foster care parent and could get a call at any time for my first placement of a child/children.  My cell phone was on vibrate next to me.

3-2-1 and the blast of speed and whiplash...
10:15 AM - I received a phone call from my agency asking me if I was willing to take a placement of girl sibling set, ages 4 and 6.  I explained that I was a meeting all day tomorrow that I couldn't get out of and wouldn't be available until Friday for any placements.  My agency was happy to tell me that the two girls were currently placed in their 75 year old grandparents, but their grandparents talked with their CPS (Child Protective Services) worker and told them that while they two kids were great, they were just too much for them as they are aging.  My agency was confident that they could talk to CPS and CPS would probably be fine with the placement happening on Friday.  They were going to call CPS and submit my name for the placement and told me to possibly expect a phone call from CPS if I was chosen by them.

10:19 AM - I called my sisters and mom and asked them to be in prayer.

10:26AM - I realized that I missed a phone call (10:23) so I listen to my voice mail and see that I missed a call from CPS.

10:28 AM - I returned the CPS phone call and found out that I was accepted as the placement for these two girls and that their CPS caseworker would call me with details.  He told me that they would like me to meet the kids at their grandparents tonight and possibly again tomorrow before transitioning them on Friday.

Look out!  Here comes the BIG hill and loopy-loo
10:36 AM - I received a phone call from my agency letting me know that there was a communication/paperwork error and that the sibling set was one girl (4) and one boy (6).  I reminded them that I only have one bedroom for my foster children, which is why I have to take same sex sibling groups (kids over 6 cannot share bedrooms with the opposite sex).  They asked if I was still willing if CPS would approve the kids sleeping in the same bedroom (since I have two twin beds) because there have been circumstances when they have done this.  I said yes again.

10:47 AM - My agency called again to tell me that CPS approved me having the two kids in the same bedroom in different twin beds.  Then I received their names and ages and birth dates.  I found out the four year old girl had just turned four within the past week.  I was told that CPS would be calling me back once they talked with the grandparents and then we would set up the time for me to come and visit tonight.

10:52 AM - I called my sisters and mom again (they were on the road coming back from a mini-vacation), told them the error in the paperwork, and asked them to continue to pray.

And...breathe...the down hill/coasting part of the ride has arrived...
11:00 AM - My first training finished up and I headed to lunch with my new co-administrators and tried to focus and wait on the phone calls to come.  My minds flies around with to-do lists, to-buy lists, how-to-handle x-y-z, all the while trying to remind myself it is never finalized until the kids are at your door with the Notice to Provider (basic entry paperwork) in the CPS worker's hand.

12:30 PM - My second training began and I was trying to focus on the new learning while at the same time waiting on God's perfect timing and will.

Now for the tunnel of darkness...
1:33 PM - My agency called to update me about what was going on.  I was told that while my agency was still okay with the mixed gender sleeping arrangements and CPS has agreed as well, CPS had to submit official paperwork to OLCR for this exception.  I was told that could happen today or tomorrow seeing that the children were in a safe place and they weren't going to place the children with me until Friday.

Suddenly the ride comes to a screeching halt...
3:01 PM - I received I had a voice mail message from my agency again (2:57) and I left my training to find out what was up now.  My agency placement worker left me a voice mail message to say that my agency, as a staff, decided to remove my name from the placement.  OLCR was starting to question CPS about the mixed gender bedroom situation and my agency decided to remove my name now, before I met the kids and got in deeper, because they know that if OLCR was giving issues about it now that IF they did approve it and then it would be an uphill battle for me from the moment the kids were placed with me.

3:02 PM - I called my sister, told her my name was removed, and to pass on the message to my other sister and mom.

3:03 PM - Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out.

Dealing with the after-ride queasiness...
They try to warn you in training that the process is unpredictable and varies - but my emotions weren't quite ready for all of this. These are my lessons and take-aways:  negatives/positives/and in betweens - in no particular order.

• The emotional roller coaster brought out the worse in this emotional eater.
• Got to love raw cookie dough on days like this.
• I just needed to be alone with my thoughts.
• Started this blog out of desperation to put those thoughts out there and hopefully less rumbling around in my head.
• I am at peace and know that this was all of the Lord's will and that He was directing my agency with wisdom.
• I now know the names of two small children and an aging set of grandparents that need my prayers...and a future foster family and possibly adoption family.
• I called my mom and she listened.
• I learned that just today, in Maricopa County alone, that there were 18 placement requests sent out to the county agencies.  Yes, you read that right.  18!!!!  
• Think about how many kids, families, siblings, people that means.
• Think of the prayer that is needed for them all.
• I am looking forward to tomorrow and a possible 3rd call for a placement.
• Third times the charm?
• The Lord put a song in my head the entire afternoon/evening - well, a line and tune anyway - but I can't figure out what song it is or who sings it
• I just keep resonating "I'm letting it go....I'm letting it go....I'm letting it go."