Christmas 2012 in Review: Traditions in the Making

As a kid,
I knew about Santa.
I knew the songs and the stories
But I don't remember ever really 'believing' in Santa.

I knew the fantasy revision of Santa,
Like Cinderella,
Or Snow White,
Or the Tooth fairy.
He wasn't played up in my house as a kid.
He was Santa,
But not the
I'm-watching-every-move-you-make-Santa
Or the
Write-him-a-note-and-he'll-get-you-what-you-want-Santa.
He was just Santa.
The guy in the books and songs.

There was still the "magic" of Christmas.
The candles in the windows.
The lights on the tree.
The family time.

Now this year,
I am a foster mom.
And I had to figure out how to capture the magic
Deal with Santa
And yet focus on the Christ in Christmas.

So...
The Santa-issue...
I am fostering two girls whose Christmases have
Revolved
(And I mean revolved)
Around Santa.
And they believe
That he flies around
Knows all
Sees all
And decides who is good
And who is bad.

This doesn't sit well with me.

I don't mind the "fantasy" Santa
But when I have a 9 year old believing in him
And giving him God-like powers
I don't know what to do with that.

The good thing is
I figured this out early on
(Like Halloween time)
And I just didn't play into it.
I didn't play it up.
I didn't play it down.
I just didn't play that card.

I sort of chickened out.
I ignored a lot of the "Santa talk."
I would switch subjects.
When I talked about Christmas,
It was about Jesus' birth
The real Christmas story
And about how we would spend time together.

I started off December by giving them their own Bibles
And then we spent most nights reading a little from Luke and Matthew
And reading through the Advent calendar
And focusing on the Christ of Christmas.

I felt good about it.
The girls seemed to be good with it.
At peace.
And I like peace.

Ms. O figured it out quick.
Whenever Miss M brought up Santa
Ms. O would say -
"Yeah, but Santa isn't a big deal at Maryann's house.
It's about Jesus' birthday here."

They knew there were gifts.
Heck -
The front porch was filled with delivery boxes
And they weren't allowed in my closed bedroom door
Except if in the dark of night with night time needs.

I thought Miss M was getting it--
Until we were just a few days from Christmas
And all of a sudden she was asking questions about
And making comments about
Leaving out cookies,
Being on his "naughty" list,
And worried he might not know why they were gone.
Talking about how he saw her being good and so she'd be getting extra, better gifts.

Oy.

I was stuck
And I didn't know what to say
Or how to play it.

I didn't want to pull the rug out from under her
But I also didn't like the fact that she was fixated on
Still giving Santa powers that no one besides God can have.

Urgh.

My gifts to the girls were already wrapped
Labeled
And placed under the tree.
They knew it.
I knew it.
And now
Christmas Eve Eve
I was starting to worry about how I could figure out something for a "Santa" thingy.
 
Then my friend came to the rescue.
And her husband.
They didn't leave it up to me.
She texted me to let me know that "Santa"
Was going to be visiting our front porch
While we were at Christmas Eve service.

At first I was feeling guilty about accepting this generosity.
But then - 
I was just plain excited about this "Santa" visit
Because I had nothing to do with it.
It was all my friend and her Santa-loving husband.

Due to the length of time we were going to be gone
It was decided to have "Santa" bring in the gifts
And place them in the house.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve... 

As we got home from church about 10:45 pm
The girls ran to the door
Like always
And then just stood there.
The front porch was covered with
(And still is!)
White glitter flakes.
There was a "believe" plaque on the doorknob
And a card addressed to us in the screen door.

It's snowing on the front porch!

Seriously - best letter from Santa EVER! 

Then we entered the house and found this:

Look - Santa even covered the coffee table with red tissue paper and green streamer thingies!

My friend and her hubby were so thoughtful.
Every gift was a family gift.
Board games - like Monopoly, Sorry, and Trouble.
A popcorn popper.
The movie Brave.
And more.

It was Santa--
But it was a "different" Santa.
A family-focused Santa.
A giving Santa but not a "Making a List and Checking It Twice" Santa.
My kind of Santa.

I have a feeling this version of Santa will be making the rounds again
Around here
Next year as well.

And after enjoying our
Christmas Eve Family Santa
Then we read our birthday cards to Jesus
(The girls were asked to make Him one and write a little message inside the morning before.)
And had our breakfast casserole midnight breakfast in His honor as well.

I guess I need to work on helping the girls learn how to spell Jesus.  Sigh.

Breakfast casserole and a red velvet birthday cake at midnight!  Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Christmas morning was slow
Was peaceful
Was pleasant.
Was relaxed.
It was the girls' opening gifts from me
And me opening a gift from each of them
And them opening a gift from one to another.
 

It ended with us having dinner with my friend and her hubby.
Bonding over a LONG game of Monopoly
Enjoying delicious prime rib
And just being together.

It wasn't anywhere near my "typical"
Christmases of the past 36 years.
It was in the wrong state.
It was in the wrong house.
It was with different people.
I liked all the people I was with
But I missed all my people I've always called family.

But 2012 Christmas -
It was my unusual Christmas.
It was our "Unique Christmas."

New traditions were tried.
New traditions were made.
New traditions were embraced.

But at the core
At the focus
At the center
Was Jesus.
(Or Jeses.)
And that's why it was good.
That's why it was very good.
And that's why it was very blessed.

I don't know where I will be for Christmas 2013.
I don't know where I will be living.
I don't know who may be living with me.
But I know the one constant that will not change.
Jesus.

Christmas Eve Eve - Cookies, DSI, and Dolls

Christmas Eve Eve.
Miss M heard that phrase at church last night
And she referred to today as that all day.

So...about the cookies -
Christmas cut-out cookies
Have always been a tradition with my family in Michigan.
We would spend an entire Saturday.
Dad was in charge of the dough making
(Usually the night before, I think)
And then the rolling and cutting out
And then all four of us kids
And mom
Would spend hours and hours and hours
Frosting
Hundreds and hundreds.
I think my dad made 4-6 dough batches every year.

Somewhere along the line
I took over the making of the dough and cutting out
(Probably because I learned that I could sneak all the raw dough I wanted
And that if you rolled and baked then you got out of frosting!)

Every other year,
Since I've moved to Arizona
I've gone back to Michigan
And they would save the cookie baking job for me.

This year
They did it without me.
This year
I did it without them.

Today
I taught my foster daughters
The joy and craft of making roll out sour cream cookies
Using Great Great Aunt Clara Virkler's recipe.

And
I taught them
How to lick batters
Lick fingers
(And then wash hands)
Eat the broken pieces
And how to best hold the cookie in order to frost.

Ms. O is like me - not so much into the frosting.

Miss M loved the frosting.  Truly have never seen her put some much effort into making something look so nicely.

Hard at work.

Here is some of the "finished project."

Proof of Miss M's patience and focus.

So...about the DSIs - 
The girls received DSIs from their grammy
At their visit yesterday.
Now we are establishing
Rules
(No whining if you can't figure out how to play the game - read the directions.)
Guidelines
(No chatting to each other of the machines when you are in the same house and room!)
Time limits
(30 minute increments for now - not sure how to deal with this one yet.)
They also received little MP3 players.
Loaded them up with various Christian music
And oldies I used in my classroom.
Got to love watching them dance and sing around the house to themselves.
So grateful they are comfortable enough to be free and childlike.

So...about the dolls - 
Probably a month ago
One of my friends from my licensing group
Contacted me to see if Miss M and Ms. O might be interested in
Receiving two dolls that a woman from her church found.
I said sure
And then I kind of forgot about them.

Then about two weeks ago
She called me to say there were at her house
And I could pick them up at anytime.
Then
I began to realize what it means to be
"Home for the Holidays"
And have two girls
And a full time jobs
And too many evening commitments
And I never got them.
Just kept forgetting.

So,
They dropped them off this afternoon.
The girls were estatic.
Way more so than I could have EVER suspected.
They were nearly giddy.
Each other came in a box
That also contained a suitcase
And in that suitcase came
Multiple hand-made
Complete
Outfits for each doll.
Dresses
Coats
Pajamas
Socks
Shoes
Slippers
Robes
Underwear
Hats
Purses

It was hilarious to hear them be in the middle of imaginary play
And then break "character" and exclaim over a new treasure they located.

Ms. O and Allie in Allie's Party Dress

Miss M and Emily in Emily's Princess Dress

Emily and Allie in their spa robes and sleep over clothes - Check out those slippers!!!

Emily and Allie in their "Country Club" clothes.  I heard them talking about these from the kitchen and couldn't wait to see what in the world they felt were "country club" outfits.  After I saw them I asked them what they thought a country club and they said it was somewhere people went to those horse riding shows.  LOL.  We ended up calling these their "Hoedown" outfits. 

PS - So...about the roses- 
Drained the water out of them this morning.
Stuck them on top of the dryer
And shut the door.
Four + hours later
Still not dead.
Sprayed some Oxi Clean in the vase.
Four + hours later
Still not dead.
Sprayed some Pledge in the vase.
Four + hours later
Heading to bed tonight
Still not dead.
Crap.

May have just shoved them into the trash bag
Which then made a speedy exit
Out to the trash container.
Then again
Maybe I didn't
And some evil elf did.

The Note, The Roses, and the Plan

The Note:
Most weekend mornings
I leave a note.
I'm a stay-up-late-sleep-in-kind-of-gal.
The girls are the get-up-when-the-sun-shines-in-kind-of-kids.
The good news is
They are independent.
Therefore
I get to sleep in a little
And they get some freedom
And we are developing trust.

(Thank God called me to foster
Older
Independent
Kiddos!)

The notes seem to usually be filled with
Directions
To-dos
Homework
Etc.

It was nice to write this one for tomorrow morning.

The Roses:

The girls came home
From their weekly visit
Each with a bouquet of roses.

At first, I think

How cute.
How sweet.

(Now...I am 36 and have never received a bouquet of roses
Now - that might be from being eternally single
And the fact that I think they are a waste of money and die to quickly.
Give me carnations any day.
But...I digress.)

Then I find out WHO gave them to them.
I make eye-contact with the parent-aide 
And I walk outside for a private chat with her.

I can't go into details on the WHO
Or WHY its relied me up so,
But I seriously CAN'T believe that *#&$^ person was invited to the visit
And that permission was never asked for
And the parent aide was never told ahead of time.
Ambush.

And then to look at those roses and KNOW
They are from the *%#!*$#
It seriously makes me want to vomit.

But
I've taken care of it.

I am pretty sure they will be
Dying,
Wilting,
Croaking,
Extra earlier than usual
Extra faster than usual

All I have to decide is whether to use
Shampoo
Dish soap
or
Bleach
In order to speed up the dying off process.

Maryann
In the Kitchen
With the Bleach.

Guilty.
And proud of it.

I need to bake in that kitchen all day tomorrow.
I don't want those looming over me.

"Very Soon"

Every CFT I have the same "discussion" with the a certain someone on the team.
No, I cannot have a meeting at 10 am in the morning.
No, I cannot transfer the kids to therapy 35+ miles away after they get out of school.
No, I cannot.

In my world-
My public education world
In my world-
My single-foster-mother world,
I cannot just leave for a meeting during the middle of the day
(Do you remember that I live over 20 miles away from where you have me come for meetings?)
I cannot just take off a few hours and then flex my time
(Do you remember me telling you that I work until 4:30 and I cannot leave earlier?)
I cannot just change plans at the 12th hour and be told not to bring the kids 
(Do you remember it's just me?)

It is so frustrating to talk
And never be heard.
Or to talk
And pretend to be heard.
6 months now with this person
And we are still having the same conversations,
Same dialogues.

Services too far away.
Concerns with a 9 and 10 year old being transported by taxi over 35 miles without an adult.
Who is the GAL?
When is the next court date?

And to her
Each time
She acts like it is the first time she's heard of it.
There is never a pen present or a single note written down.
Appointments are set on a kitchen wall calendar covered in pencil.
There is always a list of things for me to do
To follow up with HER
When I leave.
And I know if I don't
It won't happen.
Now if it were for me -
I'd say screw it.
But these things are for the girls!

I'm frustrated.
I'm annoyed.
I'm mad.

Yes, I know funds are almost non-existent.
(I am in public education - I get that better than most.)
Yes, I know caseloads are overwhelming.
(I am in public education - I feel your pain - try teaching 32+ 10 year olds.)
Yes, I know the pay is crap.
(I am in public education - enough said.)
But does that mean you don't have to
Follow through?
Take notes?
Make contacts?
Check in?
Make home visits?
Tell the truth?
Care?

AND
Further more...
STOP promising the girls things like
"You'll get to go home to Mommy very soon."

What the hell is "very soon?"
I don't even know and I'm 36.
"Very soon" to a 9 and 10 year old meant Christmas last month,
(Well, because that's what you told them!)
Now it means their mom's birthday in January this month.
(Which is completely unrealistic! And I pointed it out right there!
Good grief - she's gone for the next two weeks!)
"Very soon" isn't an answer,
And it isn't something you should be promising kids
When the "very soon" is dependent on
Finding another job
Keeping the job
Finding an apartment
Visit supervision and lengths changing
And the court hearings.

I want it to be "very soon"
For the girls sake.
I truly do.
But don't say that kind of things to kids
When you can't give them milestones
Steps
Reassurances.

Oh, and ONE MORE THING
Don't sit there and try to tell the therapy services provider that YOU know what kind of therapy the girls need and what their behavioral/emotional/social issues are and that you are insisting that they get these services as quickly as possible when a) you have talked with them less than 4 times each in the 9 months in care, b) your perception of them is what was told to you when you took over their case, c) you've sat there at every meeting since August (when CFTs should have started in May!) and said you would check into changing service providers when concerns about distance, wait lists, and transportation were brought up then and YOU NEVER DID!

Praise Report - (Yes...I do have several today in actuality!)
A wonderful blessing of the CFT today was just being there with the girls, their mom, and the parent aide.  The three of us are TOTALLY on the same page, which is a true God-send.  In addition, I have been telling the girls' mom that I wanted to make every effort to come to the next court date.  Today I found out that the next court date is January 3rd.  This is an AMAZING blessing because I don't go back to work until the 7th and I had already signed up the girls for a few days of Winter Break Kids' Club and that was one of the days!  I love how the Lord is leading the way for me to be able to attend, yet be able to save my precious and few sick days/personal days for those true reasons.


Prayer Requests -
Please pray that the girls continue to be open with me about asking about the reunification process with their mom.  I truly don't have any answers yet I want to be honest and open with them and allow them to talk through the confusing process and fuzzy timeline.

Ew.

It was
Another night
When one of those
Slap me in the head
And call me an idiot
You've never been a mother
And now you are trying to be a parent
To a 9 and 10 year old
Snuck up and hit me between the eyes.

As I kissed Ms. O
And tucked the blankets around her
She says
"Tomorrow when we get up
Will you clean my ears?
They hurt."

I,
Full of Concern,
And thinking of all the flu,
Strep
Ear Infections,
Etc.
Going around schools
Tell her I'd do it right now.

Then I pulled out the q-tips.
Then I realized I have never cleaned either of the girls' ears
Ever.
Then I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

First it was clipping toe nails.
Now it was earwax.
Barf.

No wonder she claims not to hear things I say.
Nasty!

Then,
20+ q-tips later,
As I get done
Ms. O says
"I meant that my earring hurt
And I wanted you to clean my ear behind my earring...
But, thanks."

Sure enough.
She had been playing with one of her earrings during social studies
And had irritated it.
Blood.
Barf again.
(This is why I became a teacher - not a nurse.)
We took out her earrings
And sterilized her ears.
She gave me a hug.
Said thanks.
And went to bed.

Needless to say,
Ms. O has the cleanest ears around.

As far as Miss M,
She'll have to wait for another day.

The ear cleaning is definitely something that will have to go on to my
"Don't forget to check out on a semi-regular-basis."

Let's see...So far, I have...
Toe nails.
(Crap - they grow so fast.)
Finger nails.
(Why can't they just chew them like I did.)
Ear Wax.
(Oh, ew, ew, ew.)
Clean out back packs.
(I swear - things grow in there.)
Organize bedroom drawers.
(Some how what I fold becomes shoved in to the point of explosion.)
Between the beds and bookshelves.
(It amazing how many socks have lost their pairs!)
Check soap and toilet paper supplies.
(Seriously!  Can't SOMEONE tell me that they ran out?!?)

Praise Report -
When I left work today, I was bothered by an interaction and decision of the student.  I don't usually share anything with the girls, but something was brought up on the way home and I ended up giving some general details about the issue, the student's poor choices, and then the student's continual denial of the choice despite rock solid evidence.  We talked about being truthful, asking for forgiveness, why confession is good for the soul, etc.  At one point Ms. O says "I love when we talk like this.  It makes me think about what I can do differently."  And Miss M replied with, "Yeah - and when we are back with Mommy we can think of Mommy Maryann's stories and lessons and make good choices."  Melt my heart, girls.  Melt it to pieces.

Prayer Request -
CFT tomorrow.  It is my 5th one and supposedly there are services ready for Miss M.  The problem is the same problem that I have brought up since August.  I talked with the possible therapist that would take her case and when I explained the distance, time, etc. her first words to me were "why haven't they changed the service provider to someone in your area?" - which is what I have been asking for since August. Please pray for me to speak with clarity and wisdom for the sake of the girls and for the sake of their need for support, yet keeping in mind that their transition to moving back with their mother could be in as little as 45 - 60 days.

All Because of a Chicken Bone

Today was a good day.
It was an all-day rainy day.
(Which is totally rare)
But
An incident with a chicken bone
Almost sent the day on it's head...

No visit this weekend.
(The girls' mom has a job
And had training today.
Which,
Like I told the girls,
Is a good thing.
A thing bringing them one step closer to being reunited.


So today was
House Hunt time
Haircut time
iPod down time
Homework time
Book report practice time
Colonial Test study time
TV time
Church Time

And then on the way home
I got us a bucket of chicken
From KFC
And then we had family movie night.
Little Rascals
(The remake)
Was on TV.
I loved watching them
Watch the movie
And seeing them
Laugh
Giggle
And groan
In all the right spots.

Then came the chicken bone.
Ms. O
(Who usually forgets to put her food down the garbage disposal)
Shoved hers down the garbage disposal
And then turned it on.
And then screamed at the noise it was making.
And I yelled for her to turn off the garbage disposal.
She finally did.

In my world
I saw it clearly as a situation as
"You shoved it down there,
You fish it out of there."

Simple.
Easy.
Done.


(I may recall a similar incident with myself as a kid
Except this was involving a spoon.)


So,
I told her she needed to get the pieces out of the garbage disposal.
Soon
I find her with a fork down the garbage disposal
Telling me she can't find anything.

I tell her to roll up her sleeve
Stick her hand down the garbage disposal
Get out the pieces of chicken bones

And
Then
The
Stand-Off
Began

Miss M was finally sent to bed
Prayers and kisses and tucked in
And Ms. O was still standing there
In front of the garbage disposal
With no intention of putting her hand down there.

Yes.
I could have done it.
But
Seriously
It's not that big of deal.
You shoved it in there.
You take it out of there.
Pleasant?
No.
Natural consequence?
Yes.

I let her stand there
And stew

And then began the talking,
On my part,
And the stare down from her.

1.  Nothing sharp down there.
2.  Nothing able to hurt you down there.
3.  Yes, it will be gross - but cheaper than replacing it.
4.  I would never make you do it, if you could get hurt.

More stewing.
More refusal.
All in silence.

And then came the count downs to the deadline for the chicken bones to be pulled out.
"You have 10 seconds to pull up your shirt sleeve."

I was like one of those parents counting down to three
Telling a kid they need to do something
And as I am counting down
I have ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE
As to what I will do if she doesn't do it by the count down.


I continue on with the steps
And the counting
And I modeled each step of the process
(Including sticking my own hand down there,
Repeatedly)

(Seriously - I should have just stopped the entire process, gotten out the iPad, and just captured this horrible moment of parenting.  It probably could have gone viral.  Oy.)


1.  Roll up the sleeve in 10 seconds.
2.  Put your hand in the garbage disposal in 10 seconds.
3.  Feel around the garbage disposal in 10 seconds.
4.  Go back in and find the pieces I can still feel in there.
5.  (Repeat step four about 6 times.)

Then I sent her to brush her teeth.
And I replay my choices
My words
My decisions while she's in there.

How do I heal this?
How do I make sure she doesn't
I don't
Go to bed angry?

She came out.
And
Without much thought
And without any warning

I grabbed her into a big hug.
And she hugged me right back.

I told her loved her.
I told her that I suspected she'd never throw a chicken bone down the garbage disposal again.
I told her that she was brave once she got over her stubbornness.

She apologized
On her own
For not just doing what I was asking.

I apologized for raising my voice and getting frustrated.

And then we laughed about it.

We laughed about my frustration at her stubbornness.
We laughed about her stubbornness over a stupid chicken bone.

God bless that chicken bone.
It might just be a stepping stone in breaking through with Ms. O.
Who knows?

The Strong-Willed Child - She's Living in My House

 I ordered this book tonight


Because I am
At
My
Wit's
End.

The 10 year old
Ms. O
Is
Stubborn
Defiant
And
Disrespectful

(Yes...she's also fun-loving, cute, helpful, kind, funny, sweet, smart, creative, etc. - but that is not what this post is about and I have to get this prayer request and search for wisdom and advice out there!)

We've had
Silence Stand-Offs
Here
That have lasted 4 - 5 hours at a time.
Won't talk.
Crosses arms.
Can't humor.
Can't talk out of it.
Can't process.
Nothing.

It happens when she thinks something is too hard
Or it is something she didn't want to do
Or it is something that she didn't get her way on.

Homework used to be the big issue
But after one night of her spending over 2 hours
Yes, 2
On four short answer questions
And me refusing to give in to her
The next night she came home
And finished the last four of the
Short answer problems
In 15 minutes.
Yes, 15.
On her own.
Without help.
Without issue.
And that's when I knew.
It was a choice.
A game.
A defiance issue.

Things have been better at the house
Lately
For the most part.

But now
She's started it at school.

Tuesday -
Refused to play the math game with her group
Then refused to help in her science group
With an experiment.
Sent to time-out/refocus in the hallway.
Teacher kept her in the classroom during
Lunch
To process
To talk
To figure out what was up.
Ms. O
NEVER
SAID
ONE
WORD.
Not one.
She just stood there.
Arms crossed.
Refusing to speak.
Refusing to answer.
Refusing.
The teacher actually pulled out her lunch
And started eating it
Waiting for her to talk.
Nothing.

(When we talked at home -
She said she got upset in music
Because playing the xylophone was hard.)
Seriously?

Today -
Ms. O had a 7 question
End of the novel test.
She turned it in within minutes of getting it.
Minimal writing done.
The teacher handed it back.
Told her to expand on her answers
Otherwise would fail.
Ms. O then sat there
At her desk
With her arms crossed
For over 45 minutes.

(When we talked at home -
She said she wrote all she knew.
I asked her if she opened the novel
To help expand
And she said she didn't feel like it.)
Seriously????

I don't know what to do.
She didn't get to watch 30 minute of TV like her sister.
She folded laundry.
She helped set up for dinner.
She didn't get to put her photos in the photo book like Miss M did.
We talked.
(Oh, heck.
I talked.)
We talked about defiance.
We talked about disrespect.
We talked about disobedience.
We talked about choices.
We talked about positive consequences.
We talked about negative consequences.
We read Philippians 4:13.
We highlighted it.

I racked my brain for a good Bible story to teach a lesson.
I came up dry.
I racked my brain for a logical consequence.
I came up dry.
I racked my brain.
I came up dry.

I need prayers.
For wisdom.
For understanding.
For steps.

I know it's the holidays
But
Still
Defiance like that?
Disrespect like that?
Not okay.

I know reunification is closer
I know their mom is bringing it up consistently
I know we don't know the timeline for sure
But
Still
Defiance like that?
Disrespect like that?
Not okay.

I know part of my reaction is
Embarrassment
I am a teacher
I know what that kind of behavior is like in a classroom
I know that I have defiance and disrespect talks with my students more than anything else.

I know part of my reaction is
Frustration
I
Don't
Know
What
To
Do
To
Help
Her

I know part of my reaction is 
Exasperation
This young lady
Should be receiving services
Counseling
Support

I know part of my reaction is
Truly
Out of love
I want to help
I want to mold
I want to teach
I want to lead.

Please pray.
Please advise.
Please share your wisdom.
Please.

A Year of Firsts

Tonight as I finished up
Putting up Christmas lights
On the front of my house
For the first time in my life,
I started to think of all the
FIRSTS
I've had in 2012.

And the fact that
Honestly
In the year 2011
This was just a seed growing in my mind
As placed on me by God
And now
Here I am.

Now - usually this is the kind of blog post
You'd see on December 31st
But
Alas
It's on my heart
Swirling in my head now
So
Too bad.
Got to deal with it now.

The list is random
The list is incomplete
The list is kind of surreal
But then again
It's been a surreal year
But a blessed one.
A thankful one.
A life-changing one.

• First Christmas Tree
• First Christmas Lights
• First Christmas not going home to Michigan
• First Birthday not home in Michigan
• First Cooking of Thanksgiving Dinner
• First Time Buying a Car without my Dad's assistance
• First Time Not Being a Classroom Teacher
• First Time Flying with Two Kids
• First Time Telling Someone I was going to become a Foster Parent
• First Time Being a Parent, and a Single-Parent at that
• First Time Attending Parent Teacher Conferences as the Parent, Not the Teacher
• First Time Sitting Next to a Child as she Confesses her Belief in God and His Son, Jesus.
• First Time My Refrigerator is Full of Fruits and Veggies
• First Time I Trim Little Girls' Toe Nails 
• First Time I Teach a Young Girl How to Shave her Legs
• First Time I Join a Support Group (two in fact!)
• First Time I Go Through a Jar of Pickles and a Gallon of Milk in a Week
• First Time I Cry Out When I Step on Barbie Shoes and Lego Pieces as I Go to Bed
• First Time I Hug the Mother of the Children I am Caring For
• First Time I Meet a Foster Daughter

(The good news is that I was able to take down the painters' tape on the side of the wall after I added a few more nails to hold down the strip of snowflake lights across my front porch.  The bad news is that we couldn't remember how many bushes were out front of the condo, so we went with two boxes of net lights.  Go figure - there are three bushes and we went back to Target today and they are totally out.  Oy.)

Praise Reports:
The girls are funny.  They make me laugh. I love hearing them together making each other laugh.

Prayer Requests:
This month's CFT is supposed to take place on Thursday evening.  I'm annoyed before even going into it because I know nothing has been done, nothing has changed, and no services have been established for either of the girls since we meet six weeks ago.  Please pray I speak boldly in defense of the defenseless girls, but that I speak with wisdom, and love, and with a tongue of mercy.

Christmas Came Early to Our House

Since Miss M came
Back in July
I have made a conscious effort
To read from a children's Bible storybook
Each night.
It usually happens as part of the nighttime routine
But other nights, it doesn't.

Miss M and I finished up the Old Testament stories
Just as Ms. O came to live with us
And just after Thanksgiving
We finished up the stories of Jesus.

The girls ask so many questions
And lots of times I find myself
Attempting
To quote scriptures
From various places in the Bible
But I realized that I wanted them to have Bibles of their own
To highlight
To underline
To thumb through
To hold
To keep
To use.

On Saturday, December 1st
The girls opened their first Christmas present.
The Adventure Bible - NIV.
They were thrilled.
(Most of all with the Bible highlighter!)

And then we started reading
The Advent Story
We have started in Luke
And we are slowly
Each night
Making our way through the story
The gift
The miracle
The wonder
Of Christ's birth.
 
































It's overwhelming
To be truthful
I feel like I am giving a little mini sermon every night
But they are listening
They are hearing
They are asking questions
They are answering questions
And God is working in them,
God is molding them.
I hear the words of Truth
Popping up in their prayers.
God is good.


Praise Report:
Miss M's birthday is behind us.  I know it's a weird praise report, but it truly is a praise for me.

Prayer Request:
The holidays are hard.  I am struggling of how to include the girls' mom yet establish, set, and hold to boundaries that I have learned I must have.  Please pray for wisdom, truthfulness, and understanding.

Miss M is 9

A unique 9th birthday
For a unique year
For a unique
And wonderful
And special
And funny
And loving
Little girl
Whom I love with all my heart.

Sunday was the unique birthday party.
Me
Ms. O
Miss M
And their mom.
Junie B. Jones Jingle Bells, Batman Smells play
At Arizona Child's Play in downtown Tempe
Followed by opening most of her gifts from me
Outside at the local park
And then
Oregano's
(With birthday hats, napkins, and noise makers in tow)
For dinner with
Of course
Her free birthday pizza cookie.
(It's the first place she and I went out for dinner the day she came to live with me back in July.)

Then this morning,
The actual birthday,
I decorated the kitchen table
And put up a birthday signed
And had her open up three remaining gifts
And she was ecstatic.
Then at lunch
I ran over to her school
And surprised her with Taco Bell for lunch
(Like I saw parents do for all of my ten years teaching there!)
And then tonight we went out to Red Robin
And they sang Happy Birthday to her
Loudly
Obnoxiously
And she grinned from ear to ear.

I don't know how many more months
Miss M and Ms. O
Will be with me
But they have both forever changed my life
And
Miss M
Will always be my
First foster daughter
And
I can't thank God enough for her blessing in my life.
She's changed me
For the better
She's challenged me
For my growth
She's attached to me
For my life
And
I am so blessed to call her my
Special Daughter.
My Sunshine Girl.

I love you, Miss M.

A Day for the History Books

A Sunday
A full day
A long day
A day without fighting.

That bears repeating.

A day without fighting.

I'm literally sitting here tonight
In awe that it is the truth
I'm replaying the day in my head.

We got up early
Dropped Kayleen
And my niece
At the airport
(Breaks my heart every year)
No fighting.

Had breakfast at IHOP
Went to church
Took the girls with me while I did a bit of
Fast-as-possible
Clothes shopping
And then a fast Walmart trip
For this and that
For myself
And plugged them into the iPods
No fighting.

Came home
Girls helped unpack
Lunch of left-over turkey sandwiches
Cleaned up
Stripped beds
Started laundry
Girls played school
And played recess
And played community service project
(I had them "make beds" at a local nursing home -
Aka - their own beds).
And played art class

And
All
Without
Fighting.

Ordered pizza in for dinner
Let them watch Peter Pan on TV
They got ready for bed
We read
We played Roses and Thorns
We prayed
And they are sleeping

And
All
Without
A
Single
Fight
Unkind word
Disagreement
Squeals of anger.

Thank you, God.
Thank you.

Praise Report - See above.

Prayer Request - I am running on fumes.  I can't pinpoint a specific cause, reason, catalyst - but it is my reality right now.  Please pray for my physical and emotional strength.  Please pray for me to have an understanding and kind heart.  Please pray for me to have a controlled tongue seasoned with love not impatience.

Arizona Girlz Day Spa

My niece got this book from the library while back in Michigan
And told her mom that we HAD to do a spa day while in Arizona

First on the agenda was the banana and honey face mask

And of course
One has to have cucumbers over ones eyes

And there must be calming instrumental music playing.

Then, a foot soak was in order
With magazines to read, of course.

And there was hairstyles done by Kayleen.
The master of braiding.

Nails were on the agenda
But the spa hosts were a little pooped out
And we ended with a healthy spa snack.

The week spent together with Miss M, Ms. O, my niece, my sister, and I
Has been wonderful on many levels
Yet, unexpectedly challenging on others.
(As previous post alluded to.)

We have a shocking lack of pictures due to running from one thing to another
And then just trying to soak in the fun and forgetting to take pictures in the process.
We haven't regretted it during the time together,
But I know we will in the near future.

It will be hard to see Kayleen and my niece go tomorrow
And know that I probably won't see them until summer
This is my first year not going home to Michigan for Christmas and my birthday
And I think that is adding to my holiday struggle.

However,
Since this is the first time I will be in Arizona for Christmas
And since I have kids now
I invested in a little Christmas tree.
It is up
And looking lovely
But more importantly my nativity is up
And is my focus with both girls.
(One who is very Santa-obsessed.)
I love my Nativity and the family and friends who
Gifted me with the many pieces of it.

Not a Happy Thanksgiving Post....Yet

Please pray.
Things have been rough here.
The girls are melting down
And making poor choices
And showing a complete lack of self-control
(On emotional and physical levels)
In ways that are new,
Different,
And beyond frustrating to me.

I wrote an entirely other post tonight
But it's not publishable
But I have to post
Because I need you
I need your prayers

Tomorrow,
Well, actually today,
Since it is 1:29 am,
Is Thanksgiving.
My sister is here
My niece is here
The girls' mom is coming
My friend, her family, and her mom are coming
And I am so excited for it.
But
I am on the verge of a melt down.

It's not that I haven't had time for "myself"

I have

Tonight in fact was a sister-sister night out

It's not that I want to throw in the towel
Not that the devil hasn't thrown it in my face

But I have hit a wall
I have reached a junction that I didn't see on the horizon
And that I don't know how to deal with this
Because each time I think we are making headway
The behaviors are repeated
Again
In new and different ways
And increasing with magnitude and frequency

My poor sister doesn't know how to help me
She's trying
And honestly,
If she weren't here since last Thursday
I would have possibly exploded
But
In my frustration over the frequency of issues
In the past week
I'm becoming short with her
Because I am not processing all of this appropriately
Healthy.

The girls,
Well,
They aren't getting it right now.
At any level.

And honestly,
I'm mad
I'm angry
I'm frustrated
I'm disappointed
And partly at them
(Okay - some days a LOT at them)
But a lot at me
Because I am not letting go
Because I am taking everything personally
Because I am pulling away from our connection
And it's wrong
So wrong

It's been a growing issue since just before Halloween
I don't know if it's the holiday season

(With a birthday mixed in)

Or if it is the end of the 'honeymoon'
But it's starting to snowball
And
Frankly
I hate snow and snowballs.

• Pray for me to have wisdom as to how to handle the frequent negative behavior and attention choices as well as the repeated ones
• Pray for me to be able to separate my personal feelings at their behavior choices and can be understanding of the emotional side from their view point
• Pray for me to rebuild connections and have wisdom of how to reestablish that with thoughtfulness
• Pray for the girls.  Ask that they would feel safe, comfortable, and loved here enough to grow in maturity, responsibility, and respect.
• There is more, I know...but tonight this is all I can muster.

22 days and counting...

Heaven help us all.
Miss M's birthday is on Dec. 5th.

(Not that anyone in the world 

Who has met her 

Or talked with her since Halloween

Doesn't know that.)

Every day it is a constant bombardment of

"Did you remember that my birthday is coming soon?"

"Have you bought my birthday presents yet?"

"Did you buy the napkins for my birthday party?" 

"What time will you pick me up from school on my birthday?"

"Will they put a candle in my pizza-cookie at Oregano's and sing me Happy Birthday?"

"Will you put up my birthday banner in the living or the kitchen?"

"I just realized I am going to be 9 and not 8. Did you remember that I am going to be 9/"

I could go on and on.
It's usually the same questions.
I've answered all of them 10+ times
But now I am just tired.
I ask her the answer back a
And tell her to tell me the answer
That I know she already knows.
I'm exhausted.
Ms. O's exhausted.

There is SO much going on this month
Before her birthday
And we are trying to get her to focus on the
Upcoming Buds

Thursday afternoon - Dance recital

Thursday night - My sister and niece coming from Michigan

Saturday - Mommy visit

Saturday night - Taking my niece to church with us

Sunday - Foster care support group at Harvest Church

Wednesday - Turkey Trot

Thursday - Thanksgiving - with mommy coming

Friday - Feed My Starving Children food packing

Saturday - Zoo Lights

And there is more the week after
Thanksgiving
And all of this happens
Before her family birthday party
On the 2nd
Child's Play's Junie B. Jones show
With her mom, Ms. O, and Me
And dinner at Oregano's
And presents.
And then her actually birthday
On the 5th
And her favorite home-cooked meal
And one more present.

Tonight
Her roses and thorns turn
Starting with all of her upcoming buds
And she proceeded to list nearly every one
I listed above
And
Some that I didn't.

Ms. O sighed out loud at one point
And put her head in her arms.
My sentiments exactly.

Heaven help me.
Let me make it until the 5th
Without having to muzzle her.

*******************************************************
Praise Report:
Thank you, Jesus, for the woozy head that lead to me not wanting to cook dinner, that lead to Chipotle, that lead to me figuring out I didn't have my debit card, that lead me to realize I left it at Olive Garden the previous night when we went out to dinner with a friend. 

Prayer Request:
Please pray for my fellow friends who also have become foster parents in recent months.  There were 12 couples and myself who were all trained together in the winter/spring.  Five of us are now licensed and have placements.  Each of the other families have very different situations and needs with their own foster-love placements and how they fit into their biological families.  Breathe a prayer up for these families that God knows and knows their exact needs. Pray they are strengthen, that they are given wisdom, and that the Lord will provide and show His perfect timing for each of their foster-love children.

On the Other Side

Being a teacher
Means
Giving homework

I always tried
My best
To make sure
It was review work
Practice work
Work that had meaning

I know I always had parents complain
Too much
Not enough
Too easy
Too hard
Too many projects
Not enough projects

Now I am on other side of homework
Not the giving from school
But the home support side
And
I
Hate
It.

With Miss M
It's been pretty good.
She gets a packet each Friday
That is due the next Friday

She usually is independent
Sometimes a little slow
Sometimes a little distracted
But fairly cooperative
Fairly focused

Not so with Ms. O.
It's either a fight
Or like pulling teeth
Every time.
She hates math.
She hates writing.
She won't do anything without help
But she gets an attitude when you help
She sits there for
HUGE amounts of time
Doing nothing
And then gets mad when I question her
And see if she needs help

Today she was working on a book report
It was a four and a half hour drama session
Seriously
She started at 1:30 and
Got done at 5:00
I tried to help
I tried to intervene
I tried to give steps
I tried using a timer
I tried all the tricks I had to help
She finally speed up and finished
After threats of not being able to watch
The RedBox movie we had rented
Lovely.

It is 4 and 1/2 hours later now
And honestly
I'm still not over it

I have got to learn
Somehow
How to
Let go
Calm down
Chill
Forgive
Forget
Breathe
After these encounters.

They really aren't that major
But they are based on
Choice
And it effects the whole house
For the whole time
And by the time she is
Good
Ready
Normal
I am 
Moody
Snapping
Frustrated
Irritable
The rest of the day
Barking orders
Giving commands
Not loving
Not laughing
Not smiling
Just praying for bedtime

All because I
Was annoyed
Frustrated
Put out
Embarrassed
By a 10-year old's
Homework attitude
Homework mood
Homework meltdown

And my response
My choice
Is no better than hers

Oy

Praise Reports:
Laundry is done.
Dishes are washed.
Living room is clean.
My sister and niece come in 4 days!

Prayer Request:
Tomorrow is another full day off.  I'm sort of burnt out from this one, to be honest.  Money is tight and my patience is thin.  Please pray.

Trading In

Praise Report!
We left home today in my trusty
Black KIA Spectra 5
That I bought as a
Brand-new
Late-model
In 2006.

We came home in our
New-to-us 2008
Beige Ford Escape
That we (I) bought as a
Holy cow
We need more room
SUV
Today.

Still 5 seats
But MUCH roomier
And
What do you know
There is storage area in the back!
We went out and got groceries tonight
Just to prove it to ourselves!

Good golly
At the rate I am going
I'll be driving a mini-van before I know it!

Prayer Request:
Next adventure to begin praying about -
House shopping!
:-)
:-(

This two-bedroom
1000 square foot
No backyard
Condo
Isn't cutting it.
(Well, it's cutting it for now -
But a bit more space would be so wonderful
And a backyard -
That is now suddenly my new dream.)

And besides.
I need a guest bedroom.

And, oh,
A fourth bedroom would mean that I could foster
More kids
And mixed-gender sibling groups.

Please pray for guidance!

Open with Caution

Beware -
This blog entry is very random.
It may be dangerous to the
Type A
Organized
Categorized
Connected
Mind.
(Which I apparently no longer have or can maintain.)

**************************

Problem 1.
I hate feet.
Problem 2.
I hate stinky feet.
Problem 3.
Ms. O has stinky feet.

Ms. O has really stinky feet.

So
Finally
I can't stand it anymore
We talk
I tell her she needs to wash her feet each night
When we get home

(I can't wait for nighttime showers)

So
She goes in the bathroom
I hear water
I assume all is well
Until I find that she is sitting on the bathroom counter
WITH HER FEET IN THE BATHROOM SINK!

Picture me
Grossing out
******************************

You know those dolls
The ones with the string you could pull from the back
And they would talk?

(I'm really too young to have had one myself

Honest

But I saw pictures

I heard tales.)

Well,
Anyway
Miss M
Is that doll
Except the string never runs out sometimes
And
I know that I didn't pull the string to make her start
But she goes
And goes
And goes

Heaven help me.
I love the child.
But, I miss my silent time in my head at times.
*******************************
I am THAT woman
The one who takes candy from the kids'
Halloween baskets
When they are asleep

(They may be running low on

Snack size 

Snickers

Twix

And Peanut M&M's.

I was even desperate enough to try a Butterfingers a night ago

(Still not impressed.)

Just sayin.)

I do confess my sin of stealing in the morning
And I do make sure I am fair and always take the same amount of each child
(I don't play favorites around here.)
*********************************
Friday night
I am having a kid-free night out
The school was offering a 6:00 - 9:30
Game Night
At one of the elementary schools
Dinner is provided
And I decided to pay the money
And sign them up
And then I contacted friends
And this girl is GOING OUT!
Bring on the frozen margaritas

(Yes, that was plural!)

Bring on an adult movie

(No animation, thank you very much!)

Now just pray that I can stay up that late on a Friday night!
*********************************
While Miss M was taking her shower tonight
Ms. O and I were going over her homework
And I was looking through some notes/flyers
And talking about some plans
Ms. O opened up.
Now - we have a good relationship
But it's a relationship built on trust in the here and now
She doesn't share much about before
Or what's to come

(Not like her sister - she's the exact opposite.)

Ms. O says
"I'm still not used to this."

"Used to what?"

"You checking over my homework
You reading through my papers
You telling me what we might try to do this weekend
You helping me."

"What do you mean not used to it?"

"No one's ever done that before."

"How do you feel about it now?"

"I like it.
I'm just not used to it.
Well, maybe I'm getting used to it,
But I don't want to get too used to it
Because it probably won't be that way later."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Mommy is awesome.
Isn't she awesome?"

"Yeah, your mommy is awesome."

"See - I told you she was awesome.
But she was always busy with work
Or Baby G
Or things going on
And I'm not used to someone
Checking this stuff."

She pauses.

"And Mommy is doing really well
And she's really kind
But I don't think that part will change when we get back together
Because then she'll be busy with a new job
And busy caring for all of us..."

"What do you think will change
Or has already changed?"

"Lots -
But the best is that before we didn't always pray
And now we always pray together
And that's a good thing."

Sigh.
I love this kiddo.
She's strong.
She's funny.
She's resilient.
But
I wish
I could take off the load,
The silent load
The invisible load
The habitual load
Off her shoulders
And help her be a kid
And not feel the pressure
But
It's not that easy
But
She's prayed for
She's loved
And she is HIS.
************************************
One of the girls says to me tonight
"I'm becoming a gorilla."

"Say what?"

"I'm growing hair all over my legs.
I think you are going to have to shave them for me."

Sigh.

"Okay - well, let's run that past your mom this weekend and
Get her thoughts and then we'll talk."

(I am already grossed out,

Beyond words,

When I help you clear your ears

And

Cut your toe nails.

I am already freaked out,

Beyond words,

When I help you trim your fingernails

And

Clean under those fingernails.

Now...

Shaving your legs

Or even teaching you how to shave your legs...

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!)

These are not things they prepared me for in my foster training.
***********************************************
Praise Reports:
Three day weekend this weekend!  Bring on the bike rides, game time, movie watching, and catch-up time.  So grateful for this small little break coming our way.

Prayer Request:
Last Saturday the girls did not have their visit with their mom or brother because CPS messed up for the second week in a row with transportation.  Please pray that the paperwork, phone calls, and connections were actually followed through with this week and that the taxi picks up the girls' mom so they can all be together for their weekly visit.

Meeting Mommy

I've loved her before I met her
Because I loved Miss M
Then I loved her more when I got to talk with her on the phone
Because I could hear her heart
Because I could hear her love
Because I could hear her fight
Then today I got to meet her
And I love her even more.

She is
Funny
Friendly
A laugh-er
Silly
Child-like
Real
Honest
Beautiful
Flexible
Grateful
Loving
Fun

I see Miss M in her
A lot
Her freckles
Her eyes
Her smarts
I see Ms. O in her
A lot
Her hair coloring
Her giggle
Her sense of humor

Manners are important to her
Hugs are special to her
"I love yous" are frequent and heart felt
Belief in God's divine hand in all is evident
Gratitude is expressed

I cried on the way home
I'm crying now
Lots of emotions
Mostly good ones as related to her relationship with her girls
But hard ones on the boundary level for me

I didn't want to leave her.
I want to take her under my wing as well.
I want to be that help.

But
I know
In my head
That's not my role
Here
Now
It's not my role
I do know that
But
In my heart
It hurts

But
I can't
Not now
Not for the sake of the girls
Not for the sake of what I have signed up for
But
It doesn't matter if I can't

Because
God can
And
God is

There is no doubt in my mind that I will always be in her life
The girls' lives
Their family's lives
She said it several times
And I promised it several times
I even talked to "Daddy" in Oregon on the phone today
He expressed his thanks for my caring for "his girls"
I said it was my pleasure
Because
Honestly

It has been
It is

And
I can't do anything
Except thank God for
This
Opportunity in my life
This
Change in my life
This
Moment in my life
This
Calling in my life
This
Lesson in my life

And
I can't do anything
Except ask God for
More love
More wisdom
More resources
More opportunities
More grace
More mercy
More lessons

Praise Report:
Thank you for your prayers today
I felt them
She felt them
The girls loved it
The girls thought it was normal
The girls were so excited for us to all be together
As was I
As was she

And a HUGE praise and thanks goes out to the WONDERFUL staff and volunteers who set up, designed, organized, and ran Esther's Hope Festival today.  It was an AMAZING time and we actually stayed for the entire three hours and enjoyed every moment.

Prayer Request:
Pray for wisdom as the parent aide, the girls' mom, and I approach CPS about the lack of care, lack of follow-through, and lack of attention that the caseworker has provided for the girls and their brother.

Interesting Note:
Well...interesting to me anyway.  Between being at the festival for 3 AMAZING hours and then driving the highways for about 2 hours tonight...this picture gives me justification for my tired body, soul, and spirit.

The total miles driven today were more like 155 miles, but I started the official tracking a little into the trip.  From here to get her, from getting her to church, from church to return her, and then from leaving her back to here.

If it's 3 strikes and you're out, what it is when it your 5th?

On the vent side of things - 

The CPS caseworker didn't doing her job
AGAIN.
This is the fifth time since July
(When Miss M came)
That the kids weekly visit with their mom
Was cancelled
Or unable to happen
Because of the CPS caseworker
NOT DOING HER JOB.

The girls' mom moved two weeks ago.
All the transportation paperwork was submitted.
All that needed to be done was to fax it on.
Calls and reminders were made.
Last week the transportation went to the wrong spot
Caseworker hadn't done her job
(To make a long story short, it worked out last week
And she got a ride to the meeting place.)
Calls and reminders were made again.
Promises were made that it was done.
It was handle.
It wouldn't be a problem.

Not true.
Nothing was done.
Transportation went to the wrong spot again.
No paperwork submitted to the right people.
And for the FIFTH time
Since July
The girls' mom lost out on
FOUR hours with
HER kids
Because CPS caseworker
DIDN'T DO her job again.

I know Jesus teaches forgive
7 times 7
But
Honestly
I'm graced out at 5 right now.
And that's just the weekly visit transportation issue.

On the praise side of things - 

The Lord has prompted me to invite the girls mom
To come with us to the Esther's Hope Festival on Sundays
So the girls
While disappointed
Weren't as devastated as they would have been
As they have been in the past
Because they knew we'd be together on Sunday.
However,
Their 3 year old brother didn't get to see them
Or his mom
Or vice versa.
So sad.
So wrong.
No excuse.
I'm sorry.
But, honestly.
There is no excuse for it at this point anymore.

Praise Report:
We used the bikes today to go for a bike ride.  Both girls rode well.  Both girls were in good moods.  Both girls have asked to go again.  The same bikes I was ready to throw in the garbage earlier in the week are now my friends again.  It was a lovely ride and Lord willing, we'll get one squeezed in tomorrow!

Prayer Request:
People have asked "How will you prepare the girls for the time spent with you and their mom together?" My answer is, "I'm not." I don't know how to prepare them.  Besides telling them, like always, that they have to talk to me, that they have to share with me how they are feeling, that they have to be honest with me, I don't know what else to do.  Honestly, they both have expressed their absolute joy in the situation.  They both see us as friends who have never met and are excited for us to hang out.  Please pray that I can be myself, as can she.  Please pray for wisdom in my conversation and in my care for the girls in her presence.  Please pray that I will have appropriate boundaries, yet be open to whatever the Lord leads me to during our time and interactions together tomorrow and moving forward.