Making Lemons into Whine

Remember those lemons that I was so "successful" in making lemonade into yesterday?  Well, today that ain't the story.  I'm over my eyeballs with worries, frets, concerns, needs, and I literally am writing them all here as a to-do list for myself, as well as prayer requests. 


1) Find a good, inexpensive landscape company- call, hire, and let them do their job
Desert landscape is a pain in the butt, especially when it is 1000 degrees outside and no one can get in your front door due to the over grown shrub that has turned into an attack tree.  I need to hire someone out here to take it all out and replant with stone and things that go in one way and stay the same way for life.

2) Find a good, inexpensive bug control company - call, hire, and let them do their job
Scorpions, roaches, earwigs (which I have found out are also called pincher bugs), and now ants!  I've done and survived scorpions and crickets in the past.  I hate them both, but the scorpions are here, but it is way scarier with toddlers and kids in the house.  It was suggested to put in glue tape at the doors frame.  Worked awesome, except when company came through the door and stepped on it and stuck to the glue by the bugs from the night before and when your eight year old steps on one in the middle of the night are her way to tell you she's had a bad dream. 

But, the ants tonight...well, that threw me over the edge.  Seriously. I detest ants.  There is NEVER just one.  Never.  All week I have been trying to be diligent about sweeping up after the kids, but my gosh, they are disasters when eating!  Little Man is 14 months old and food goes everywhere!  There is no use for plates or silverware.  It just ends up on the floor.  The toddlers aren't even living with me full time yet and tonight I find ants.  Lots of them. A trail from the wall right through Miz N's chair, to Miss Giggles, and then on to Little Man's - where the majority were feasting.  Miz N has had a new chore this week of dust busting the floors - but obviously that isn't enough.  My skin is clawing at the sight, the thought, the fact of them.  And now I am going out of town and envisioning them overtaking the house and being everywhere when we get back. I did find a can of RAID in the storage closet - don't judge or bother telling me it's bad, etc., I am desperate - and thankfully it killed what was on site.  I know, and have known that I need to get a bug guy out here.

3) Find a good, inexpensive electrician - call, hire, and let them do their job
The SRP guy told me (and showed me) that two of the breakers are going bad in the electrical box.  The hot water breaker is literally sparking when it gets turned on and the main breaker is so hard to turn off or on that he could barely move it himself, which is why I couldn't do anything with it. Now, I have to find a reliable, affordable electrician.

4) Find the electric screwdriver and get to work, Missy
Little Man is one of those typical new walkers who has no desire to play with any toys, but instead wants to open and shut everything in sight.  Yesterday he figured out how to open the trash container.  Can you guess where the trash quickly was?  Today he figured out how to open the cabinet doors.  I even pulled out Tupperware (okay...Rubbermaid and Glad cheap-o plastic containers...do people even own Tupperware anymore?) for him to bang around, but he found the cabinet with the dish soap.  (How the heck do they move so fast!?)  I bought the child safety locks, but just haven't found the time to install them.  It is a MUST!

5) Call Camille and find the money in the budge to pay her to clean this pigsty at least twice a month.
Cancel the cable, keep the dumb phone longer...something!  But...get a regular cleaning lady in here for the sake of my sanity and the health of my children!


6) Go to bed, get up in 2 1/2 hours, fly to Michigan, enjoy the time with family, and pray that the bugs and landscape don't over take the house while we are gone.  
Miz N and I fly out at 6am AZ time and will arrive in MI, Lord willing!, around 2:30 pm.  Please pray for a safe, fast, non-eventful flight.  Cannot wait to just spend time with family.  I am more than okay with never leaving the city limits.  (Well...it is pretty small....maybe not leaving the tri-cities any way.)

7) Stop whining.  Suck it up.  Act like the blessed out gal that I am.
I have been purposed for a life of singleness.  I know it's weird to say it and I know that most people don't believe me, but I am totally okay with my singleness...usually.  But honestly - it is lemons like these that challenge my single state-of-mind.  I don't want to have to worry about the bugs attack us in our sleep, or the landscape growing over the house, or the breaker box (which may even be spelled brakers for all I know!). I would be more than glad to share or pass off those concerns.  (Oh, and cars, financial planning, and laundry folding.)

8) Stop. Breathe. Pray.

You Know that Age Old Lemon into Lemonade Story????

After some "big girl" time painting pottery and having lunch out with some friends, Miz N and I "borrowed" Miss Giggles from Splash Mommy next door, loaded her into her assigned car seat, and then went to pick up Little Man.  It truly is a surreal experience to sort of "test run" my soon to be full-time family.  Today's "trial-run" was one fought with expected twists, turns, and a needed decision of where to place "time-out" for a 2 year old.  Sigh.

Found out that Little Man is a car dancer.  He was bopping his head forward and back the entire car ride home.  Then Miss Giggles thought it was funny and started her famous, crazy giggle which lead to more dancing and even moving from side to side.  

I had gotten the clothes stashed away to deal with after returning from Michigan, but still had all the toys to deal with.  Granted, it took probably double long putting them away when one was constantly taking out what I put away, another was escaping to other rooms to play with anything except toys, and another was bemoaning the fact that she only had little kids to play with.  But the good news is that look of the living room has changed drastically from last night, everything has a home, and my house is surrounded by toddler toys (which seem to take up a lot more space that school-aged toys.

Already loving having the rocking chair my parents brought down from Michigan when they came.  (Did you notice I got the big picture hung up...finally!)

Not sure how I screwed up the labels on this, but too tired to bother to fix them.  The "toy chest" used to hold special blankets and quilts from my youth, but it has been transformed and the few sentimental items I used to keep "out" are now stuffed under my bed. :-)  All is good.

Then about 5:15, I realized that Little Man was "starving" and getting restless as a result.  I got him into his seat and Miss Giggles soon followed and while I got the fish sticks and mac and cheese started (don't judge...we are leaving for Michigan in two days and the refrigerator is bare!), the kids started in on the first course of applesauce and peaches.

And then all hell broke loose about 5:30.

The power went out.
Seriously.

All of it.

Did you know it was around 118 degrees in Phoenix today?

Fish sticks half cooked in the oven.
Mac and cheese water just boiled.
And the electricity is out, out, out.

The neighbors all had power.  I ran outside and checked the breakers - and all seemed fine.  I got SRP's number from Splash Mommy (realizing now I should get these emergency numbers out so I have them available in times like these) and they said that they would send someone out and for me not to go anywhere.

Three kids, me, no electricity, no dinner backup - and I begin to wonder what I have gotten myself into and maybe I am in way over my head like a few people have suggested.

I feed them some "snack food" as we wait, and pray, that the maintenance man shows up soon.  We get done and down from pre-dinner to attempt to play the time away, but melt downs begin to happen as the native grow restless and as the mama begins to slowly unwind.  Diapers have to be changed which lead to deciding not not bother to dress Little Man, which leads to Miss Giggles deciding to strip (it can happen crazy fast and you have to catch her before the diaper is gone too), which leads to Miz N not wanting to be left out and before I know it I have three basically naked kids running around the house.

(Side note...as I kid I used to babysit my cousins at my aunt's house and would chase her two boys around and around a circular pattern in their house and I remember then desiring to living in a house with a similar layout when I grew up and had kids...and well, I forgot about that desire until yesterday when we were running around the circular path chasing each other and playing peek a boo with Little Man.  God is good.)

So the semi-naked kids start running and squealing and I find myself sitting in the chair mulling over what to do about dinner and about the next few hours, and the wait, and the big bill this could mean if it's in fact not an SRP issue, and the fact that I am getting hotter by the minute.

Then I feel a voice inside say "Let Go.  Enjoy."

You see...I remember being a new teacher in Arizona and experiencing the first rain storm here.  The kids went nuts.  As a life-long Michigander, I truly didn't get it.  I ended the day frustrated, annoyed, and feeling like we didn't get anything accomplished.  I remember sharing the account with my mentor teacher who shared that she and the kids turned off the lights, laid flat out on the floor and stared at the roof and once the main part of the storm stop, they got up and wrote poetry about it.  I had looked at the experience as a pain, as a major inconvenience, as a thorn.  She had looked at it as a time for bonding, for learning, for fun, for memories.  I can't say I always do well at remembering this lesson - but I can't tell you how many it comes back and "haunts" me.  It's the classic lemon into lemonade story...except I've always been a fixer, a problem-solver, a control freak.  So I usually just try to ignore the fact that the lemons are sour, or go out and find replacements for the lemons, or sit back and stare at the lemons and debate where I went wrong.

So, I got off the chair and I took those three semi-naked kids into the big bathroom, stripped them totally down, filled up the roman tub, and threw them in one-by-one.  They played, they laughed, and they splashed me to the point of not being able to wear those clothes.  No tears. No fighting. No drama.  Just kids being carefree kids and a happy mama with the biggest smile on her face while kneeling these in soaking wet clothes.

My three splash-crazy kiddos.

The tub time had to end at some point...the little people had to eat and I can assure you that the remaining hours before Little Man was picked up and Miss Giggles was walked "home" was full of tempter tantrums, drama, a seemingly endless mess at the table as we attempted to find food to eat for dinner - but it was also full of kisses, cuddles, laughter, running, jumping, playing, and did I mention laughter?

A Glimpse of My Life to Come

I am too tired to even attempt to write in the weird short sentences that I for some reason always do when blogging.  (I have no idea why...but I am seriously doing too much processing to bother with such nonsense.)

First, off.  God is good.  He is truly amazing and is crazy blowing my socks off here every step of the way.  You see, in my "perfectly planned out world", I had everyone praying that my licensed renewal would come through, I'd get Little Man with Miz N, and then Miss Giggles would be coming to live with us after returning from Michigan and would be safe in her old foster home until that time.  But, well, God didn't like my plan and has crazy rocked my world and shown me again that His ways are far better than my own.

I've been/I am kind of freaking out about being a mom to two toddlers. Give me a room of 30-60 kids 8 - 14 and I am seriously in my element.  Give me one-on-one time with toddlers and preschools, and I am good, because I play them hard, tickle them a lot, and then send them on their way.  Now, I am preparing to have two diaper-wearing, non-communicative toddlers in my home.  What do they wear?  When do they sleep?  What do they eat?  What size do they wear?  The questions go on and on in my head.

But, God had the answers.

First - the same evening that we realized I couldn't keep Little Man here until my license parameters were changed, the dear B family took Little Man into their home and are able to keep him for the next week to three weeks until my license is renewed.  Amazing family who are "taking a break from fostering" for the past month, but have now done three respite cases for the agency!  :-)  (Yes, we foster parents are a rare breed it seems.)  The B family love Little Man and then have let me visit Little Man at their house and today we took him for about 5 hours to play here at the house.  She shares everything with me - tips, preferences, routines, sizes, suggestions, etc!  Thank you, Jesus!

Second - Miss Giggles was still in the Crisis Nursery.  She was supposed to be moved back to her original foster home next Monday, but God had other plans.  Plans to move her next door, to my Team Melody partners.  Yes.  Seriously.  NEXT DOOR.  My co-Team Melody family had asked their license renewal to also be expedited.  It went in Monday and was approved within 29 hours.  UNHEARD OF!  They thought they were getting a placement of a 5 year old girl.  That fell through and can't happen until August.  Questions of why God rose up, but were quickly answers when the Lord laid on their hearts to take Miss Giggles into their home until I am licensed and back from Michigan!  Are you kidding me, God?!?  Seriously - so much better than any plan, dream, thought I could ever have.  Next door!!!  Again - Miss Giggles has only been at their house for 24 hours...but that Splash Mommy (I love you, Sarah!!!) is sharing everything with me - tips, preferences, routines, sizes, suggestions, etc!

So - now the God at work re-cap for Thursday, June 27, 2013...

Miz N and I picked up Little Man around 9:30 this morning and brought him back to the house.  Splash Mommy came over with her 5 kiddos - ranging in ages from 2 - 13, which includes Miss Giggles) and we experienced life together.  All three kiddos together.  Giggling, crying, laughing, playing, teasing, screaming, loving.  Amazing.  Then Splash Mommy took her four "big" kids shopping and I had a two hour glimpse of my life to come.

It was amazingly wonderful in so many ways and amazingly terrifying and amazingly right and amazingly hard all at the same time.  Now...that processing is NOT ready for blogging yet.  Just pray.  :-)

Miss Giggles and Little Man returned to their "temporary but crazy-loved" beds for naps and then Miz N and I set out to go mini-van shopping.  Um, yeah.  You read that right.  Mini-van shopping.  The two of us tested out the two car seats/eight-year old sandwich today in the back of my Ford Escape and let's just say that unless we chopped off her elbows, there was no way we could pull it off.  So, we went mini-van shopping.  (I started the day before without her.)

Two hours later we walked off the dealer's lot with a 2011 Red Kia Sedona with just 33K miles and left behind our traded-in-served-me-well-for-8-months-2008 Ford Escape with 87K miles.  There is room to grow (hee, hee) and God provided with the financial concerns I had going in with just $74 negative equity, an insurance hike of just $20 a month, and a car payment increase of just $40 a month.  Miz N decided she would like to sit in the way back because she can 1) spread out, 2) not get poked by Little Man or Miss Giggles, and 3) something about easier to see me in the rear view mirror.

(Two funny stories about test driving with her today.  1) When I told her we were test driving she said "But what if you get in an accident?  Will you fail your test?  2) Out of the clear blue she pipes up with this comment, "Did you know that God is so powerful that he can make peas in cans float in the water?  I have NO idea where that came from because a) we haven't ever eaten peas together and b) I would never feed her peas from a can.)

To cap off this amazing day of God provisions and answered prayers (whether audible or inaudible on my part), Splash Mommy called as we were heading home to say that the CPS case manager for the kids had brought over a bunch of the kids' toys from their previous placement.  She wanted to just bring them over so they would be re-introduced and settled in my home.  She warned me that there was a lot, but that was truly an understatement.  I think it took her and her 3 big kids three trips to bring over all of the toys and clothes.  No kidding.  Now, the great thing about all this is that this morning, when the five of them and Little Man came to the house, I literally had 5 toys that were appropriate for a 15 month old and a 34 month old.  3 cars, a musical octopus, and an Elmo cell phone. Um...the amount of toys in this living now is bordering on insanity.  Miss Giggles will not need any outfits and I was honestly too tired to even open up Little Man's bag.  Blown away.  Truly.

So...to close this rambling account of God-doings today...here are some pictures.  Glimpses into my life.  Miz N has asked to be represented with a pink heart from now on, Miss Giggles is now going to be a yellow star because it seems to be her favorite color since everything she picks up she calls yellow, and Little Man will be the bow tie...because I think it's cute...just like Little Man.  I wish I could show you their faces...they are seriously three of the cutest dark haired, brown-eyed kids I have ever laid eyes on and they each have personalities to match.

An attempt to get a picture.  Miss Giggles is blurry - she moves constantly.  Miz N is making a silly face of horror at her brother and sister's antics, and Little Man is grinning away like always.

I can't even being to deal with this tonight.  I am blogging and procrastinating.  I wonder if I leave it while we are gone in Michigan if little organizational fairies would come and do a bit of magic and laundry?

Yes.  It's true.  I now drive a mini-van.  Crazy.  I almost want to get one of those yellow triangle hazard signs that say "Kids on Board!"  :-)  Miz N loves the rear A/C (the main requirement of whatever 7-passenger van we got) and having the entire back seat to herself.  I am a HUGE fan of the sliding doors which means no opportunity for little bodies to swing open doors and hit nearby cars.  Ooo...also love the fact that I can transport the three kids, yet have room for company in the car.

Praise Reports:
Nothing more to say.  This blog is chunk full of more than I can count!

Prayer Requests:
-Miss Giggles is adorable, funny, and has a wicked, wicked giggle.  (Hence her new nickname.)  However, she is also extremely strong-willed and quite delayed in her speech.  Splash Mommy and I both sign and have already started helping her that way, but this sweet spit-fire is going to give me a run for my money.  Please pray for me to have wisdom of how to best help her transition and to be consistent with her.

-Little Man.  Seriously.  So cute, so laid back, so easy-going.  But, he is already attaching quickly to the B family - which is awesome - but begin to pray that I will be able to understand how to best help him sleep here and eat here.  It's a process and I truly lack experience in that area.

-Miz N is amazing.  So inquisitive, so funny, so smart.  I truly love her to pieces and attempt to show her that in emotional and physical ways throughout the day, but I can already see where having Little Man and Miss Giggles in the house is going to challenge her needs to have me at her beckon call at times to help deal with fears, concerns, questions, or need for love.  Pray that I have wisdom of how to provide all of this for her, while also teaching her independence, yet reliance on God's almighty hand.

When You Love the Least of These

Miz N is at church camp this week.
2nd and 3rd graders have day camp
From 8am to 8pm
Monday through Wednesday.
And I miss her,
A lot.
I admit.

But, the dear Mission folk running camp
Are my friends whom I've meet
Over the past year
Volunteering with Mission Kids
As I am the large group storyteller
Every Saturday night at 4:30.
And they are all watching out for her
And loving on Miz N
And are as hooked as I am
On my little brown-eyed girl.

I love arriving and getting reports of her day
Her antics
Her learnings
Her heart.

Today I dropped her off
Knowing I would be picking her up early
To go to one of her weekly visits with her mom.
I offered to drive her,
And Little Man,
To the visit
So they wouldn't be in the car for 2 hours each way.

As I was in the driveway
To go and meet Little Man's temporary foster family
The phone rang
And I was told the visit was cancelled.

I had to call my friends at church
Explain to them that I wouldn't be picking Miz N up
And we decided together what to say
How to approach the situation,
If/When she realized I hadn't picked her up.

It was hard for her.
When her mind was busy,
She was good.
But as soon as there was down time,
There was frustration.
There was confusion.
There was sadness.

And my Mission family loved on her
As I would love on her.
As God calls us to love on His children.
They listened.
They kept her busy.
They showed her she had value.

When I picked her up
So many people
Again
Stopped me to tell me about her
About her personality
About how much fun she is to watch process
About how they are helping her look pass her pessimistic tendencies.
About how she seems to not be paying attention,
But is catching everything and questioning it all.

I've learned that
She is known as the Karaoke Queen
And is getting pretty famous.
She comes home and sings me the songs
But honestly,
She is so off-key I can't figure out what song she is singing.

I learned that today,
During chapel,
She put it together that God is her Father.
And that means that she is His daughter.
And that she is a LOVED daughter of the King.
(She kept announcing her new 'ah-has' to the ministry leader.)
Now that the knowledge is there,
I pray it begins to settle in her heart
And bring her peace.

I learned that she "hated" water day.
Everyone said she had a blast,
But she tends to focus on the one negative thing
And then obsessing on it a bit.
Thankfully,
Everyone humors her and loves her for who she is
And helps her look for positives to focus upon.

I learned today that she passed out snack to all 80 kids,
Which she corrected them and let them know it was only 79,
Since she was the 80th. 
Hee, hee.
Got to love the way her mind processes.

Praise Report:
-I got to visit with Little Man and the dear couple that are caring for him until my license is renewed.  They are amazing, believers in God's will, and able to care for Little Man until I can bring him into my home.  They have fostered babies and toddlers for six years and just spending a little time with the foster mom gave me all kinds of insights she learned about Little Man in just 24 hours.  God is good!
-A sweet family donated a crib, two car seats, and two booster seats to me today.  I was able to get the crib all set up and it is ready for Little Man whenever God opens that door.

Prayer Requests:
-An email was sent to the licensing department at 10 am this morning asking them to expedite my license renewal.  My dear friend, neighbor, and foster mom extraordinaire license went in Monday, with similar request for expedition, and was approved within 29 hours!  Praying for the same! 
-Miz N has a lot of fears and negative thoughts that make getting to sleep so hard for her.  Last night, the Lord lead me to share the verse "The Lord is my strength and my shield" from Psalms 28:7.  We repeated it about 20 times today.  Please pray that it begins to sink into her heart and mind when she is faced with a variety of fears and negativity.
-Miss A has a home to move to, but she can't move there until Monday.  Please pray that a different placement (maybe my good friends?) could open their home to her while we wait for my license renewal and to return from Michigan.  (There is no way I can take her - I could never afford another plane ticket.)
-To piggy back on that last statement, and to put it bluntly, money is crazy tight.  I am trying to be responsible and not go crazy with buying things, and trusting in donations and gifts to come, but it is hard and summer money is always tight.  I know God will provide, but it does bring me panic.

Red Light, Green Light

The plan has been
Since I first heard about Miz N
And I brought her into my home last Monday
Was to eventually bring her
14 mo old brother and 2 year old sister
To come and live with us.

Honestly.
That makes me excited
And
Want to throw up at the same time.

I love babies.
I love kids.
Always have.

But...
Little ones living with me?

I'm used to kids who are
Independent
Potty-trained
Speak in full sentences
Sleep at night.

I've been going back and forth
The past week
Trying to figure out the Lord's will
About bringing Baby B and Miss A to live with us.
Is it right?
For me?
For Miz N?
For them?
Could I do it?
Just me?
I wasn't sure
And I was asking the Lord to show me,
Clearly.

And then today....
Well, He was talking.
He was opening doors.
I'm still not totally sure
What is going on
Or when
But, He is moving
And now I am praying He will
MOVE A MOUNTAIN!

Yellow Light = Warning:  Breaking News Coming Your Way

Around noon,
Miz N's amazing CPS caseworker
(I still pinch myself on that truth!)
Called
Baby B and Miss A need a new home.
They are currently in essentially an state infant crisis center
(From every account, so sad, so heartbreaking)
She knows we are leaving for Michigan on Sunday
But could I maybe take Baby B?
Miss A can temporarily go to the home she was in from
April to November
But she needs a place for Baby B.
No pressure,
She understands if I say no.
But, what do I think?

Red Light = Stop: Bad Timing, No Baby Stuff 

Breaks my heart,
But I can't.
I have nothing for a baby.
14 months.
No anything for that age.
Nada.
Money is tight.
Not the right time.
Leaving for Michigan in 6 days.
Let's stick to the original plan.
I'll be praying God finds Baby B
A great home until that time.

She tells me she understands.
She'll figure something out.
I hang up.
And then my mind starts whirling.

Yellow Light = Warning:  God's at Work...Watch Out!

I start to think.
I start to pray.
I call my Team Melody friend
For reassurance I was right to say no.
She agrees, but also says
"What would you do when flying to Michigan?
Have him ride on your lap?"
Then the brain starts going more.
Yes.
I could do that.
But,
What about all the stuff?
And what about the lack of funds for the stuff?

Okay, God....
I'll put the call out there on Facebook.
To my support groups and
To my friends.
And I'll see what you can do
And IF you open the doors
And IF you provide the stuff
Then I will call CPS back
And say yes.

Green Light = Go!:  God WILL Provide!

Within minutes,

Messages ping back.

Within 30 minutes

I have confirmation of

EVERYTHING I need to open my home

To a 14 month old.

The crib.

The stroller.

The high chair.

The clothes.

A few toys.

The car seat.

Within 45 minutes,

I am out the door

Going to pick up the stuff from new friends.

 

Call CPS

Tell them YES!

Let's do this.

By the grace of God -

Let's do this.

 

On the way back home

From my donation pick-ups

CPS calls.

They are on their way with Baby B.

Am I ready?

Um,

Yeah.

I guess I am.

Or ready as I can be with three hours notice.

 

Yellow Light = Warning:  A Bump is Ahead



On the way home

My licensing agent calls again

She suddenly remembers about my licensing parameters.

Renewal of my license

Is in process.

But my current license is for two,

But it states it is for ages 5-14

And only girls or boys

Not both.

The new license is for 3.

Ages 0-18.

Boys and girls.

But it hasn't been approved yet.

Just submitted last week.

Usually takes one month.

 

But...

Should be able to take

Baby B as an non-relative,

Non-licensed placement

And just wouldn't get regular placement pay

Until licensed changed.

 

Okay.

Will be hard to swing.

But,

Okay.

A bump.

An inconvenient one

But a workable one.

 

Red Light = STOP!:  Heartbreak

Literally,

As CPS pulls up in the driveway

With Baby B in tow

My licensing agency calls again

I cannot take Baby B.

I cannot have one placement in the system under my license

And one not under it.

It's not possible.

Not today.

There he was.

In my house.

Sleeping so peacefully.

So precious.

So sweet.

So cute.

 

And my heart is breaking.

 

Now what, Lord?

Now what?

We can't send him back to that center.

We won't. (If we can help it.)

We can't keep him here.

We would, but the state says no.

Now what, Lord?

 

Yellow Light = Warning: God Isn't Saying No, But Not Today

My licensing agent

Finds a family

Willing to take Baby B

For 10 days

So he doesn't have to go back to the other place.

Praise God.

 

Baby B woke up

And I got to put my charms on him

And I was head over heels in love

With the little man who looks just like my Miz N.

Got to hold him.

Got to love on him.

Got to tickle him.

Got to toss him up and make him giggle.

 

It tore out a bit of my heart to have him here

To have him in my arms

And to have the brakes put on

So quickly

So abruptly

After so many doors flying open

In such a short amount of time.

But,

So glad the Lord had another loving home

Available

Willing

To take him in,

Until I can.

 

Trying to trust.

Trying to wait.

 

Praise Reports:

-Miz N was at church day camp all day today so she didn't experience all the craziness and open and shutting doors.

 

Prayer Requests:

-That the licensing section of DES will receive my renewal paperwork and hear personally the unqiue situation and push through my renewal quickly.  It usually takes around a month, but I have a friend who was in a similar "emergency" situation and they were approved for the change in 12 hours!  Praying for that same miracle and that I can bring Baby B with us to Michigan and then Miss A can move in with us once we return. 

So...this is what they call Summer Vacation in Arizona?

Summer vacation in Michigan
Means
Bike riding
Playing outside
Playgrounds
Swinging
Running around
 - And all of these are free, free, free
-  And all of these can be outdoors and in space

Summer vacation in Arizona
Means
Swimming in a pool
 - unless you don't have one
Swimming in a public pool
 - unless that freaks you out
Taking the kids to a splash pad
 - but that means the adult still sweats to death
Going to the movies
 - costs money
Painting pottery
 - costs money
Jumping at the trampoline gyms
 - costs money
Riding bikes
 - if you start at 6 am and stop at 8 am
Going hiking
 - ha - just kidding

Okay.
My point.
It's been a just a week
Of Arizona Summer Vacation.
And my first with
No work
And Me and one kid.
Too much money spent.
And now another week looms before us.
I love spending time with her
But also want to keep her occupied
On her own for a bit of time as well.

To put it bluntly
I am not liking summer vacation
With kids
In Arizona.
It's expensive.
It's boring.
It's restrictive.

And I happen to be the foster mother
Of an 8 year old with an attention span of a gnat.
I love her.
Seriously.
LOVE
HER
But
Oy.
She's never entertained for more than
A 15 minute span of time.
Nothing captures her attention for long in the house
Not coloring
Not reading
Not playdough
Not Barbies
Not a craft
Not a TV show
Not Legos
Not Littlest Pet Shop
Not a game
Sigh.

I remember being young
And my aunt telling my mom
"Maryann will be a great mom someday,
But I don't see her being a stay-at-home mom."

Um.
Yeah.
Me either.
God bless you amazing mom's who are.
And those of you who home-school on top of it.
You are my heros.
And I'll take any tips for keeping
Miz N busy
Happy
Occupied
And that are FREE, please!

Praise Reports:
-I am SO grateful and thankful for my neighbors who have two foster daughters and two bio boys that love Miz N and are willing to come over and play and help her play for a bit.

Prayer Requests:
-I am the foster mother of a hurting little 8 year old girl who has a lot of fears about a lot of things.  It can be very overwhelming and very hard to know what to say to calm her spirit and calm her fears.  Please pray that she begins to feel safe, feel loved, and can rest without answers to the things in life that she desperately wants answers to, but no one can give them to her.

A Birthday and Great News!

Ms. O turned 11
On Wednesday.
And today,
After almost a month
I got to spend time with
Miss M
Ms. O
And their mom and little brother.
And with Miz N in tow.

I gave Ms. O a choice of birthday dinner spots
And,
As I knew,
She picked Oregano's.
It's sort of "my" place I take the kids that is
Special, different, yet comfortable.
(And that free pizza cookie for their birthday is a huge bonus.)

Miz N,
Bless her heart,
Was nervous about meeting the girls.
She has seen their pictures on my ways.
She knows their story,
A little,
And knows they got to go home to be with their mom.

And
Today was an EXTRA special day
Because
Besides celebrating Ms. O's 11th birthday
We celebrated the girls' mom's case with CPS
Being closed.
Being over.
Being done.

Success.

I am so proud of her.
She is so proud of herself.
The judge was complimentary and full of praise.
He said specifically
"These are the days we look forward to."

The girls are good.
Really good.
One came flying at the door and about tackled me
And the other was quiet and contemplative, but warmed right up.
Can you guess which was which? :-)

They love their daycare.
They love swimming at the apartment pool.
They love mom.
The love brother.

Granted,
They are fighting like cats and dogs
With each other
And their four year old brother
But,
That's family,
Right?

Their mom is doing great.
Got the girls still in counseling.
Seeming to balance the changes well and with positivity.
Getting plugged into a church
And loving it.

The girls got along easily,
Much to Miz N's delight.
Miss M couldn't stop finding similarities between the two of them
And Ms. O was her usual "inclusive" and "peace-making" self.

Their mom,
Well,
She was curiously about Miz N's situation
Specifically Miz N's mom.
She encouraged me to build the relationship with this mom
Like I did with her.
She shared her desire to reach out to her
As their stories are similar in ways,
Single moms,
Battling self-demons,
Trying to raise three kids on their own,
Not sure if they can or will ever be able to do it.
Wouldn't that be so amazing.
One newbie success story,
Coming so far in 16 months,
Reaching out to another,
To encourage,
To support,
To share.

I cannot wait to see how the Lord leads here.
I am so blessed to be along for the ride
And love on their girls,
Their kids,
For as long as I can
For as long as I am needed,
Even when LOVE in full of pain,
Because LOVE is also full of joy.

A Confession, A Reality, and A Process

The Confession

Seriously,
I just love this kid.
I love her dimpled smile.
I love her teasing.
I love her struggle to fall asleep at night.
    (Yes, I know this feeling will be fleeting for me.)
I love her tender heart for her mom.
I love her inquisitive mind.
I love the messy way she eats.
    (Yes, I know this will get old fast.)
I love how she loves to brush her hair.
I love her completely off-key singing voice.
I love how she is so girly in some ways
    And so tom-boyish in others.
I love her little hypochondriac tendencies
I love her desire to be independent
    Yet her consistent desire for my help.
I love that when I teach her a truth or promise about God
    She is willing to challenge me,
    Question me,
    Tell me that it doesn't make sense to her.
**************************************
The Reality

Miz N is full of fears
Fear of scorpions
Fear of meteorites
Fear of dying in more ways that you can imagine
Fear of not being with her mom.

Our conversations go deep
And quickly deep
Tonight was hard.
Hard.

What if I don't ever get to go back with Mommy?
   The Lord has a plan and hope and a future for you all.
   We have to have patience and trust in Him.
What if I can't go back with Mommy?
    We have to trust, wait, and until then....you stay with me.
What if I would escape and try to find Mommy?
     I would come and find you and make sure you are safe.

It's hard to answer an 8 year old fears
When you are barely holding it together yourself.

Then she
Suddenly
Jumps up to get a drink
Burps in my face
Farts
And giggles like a crazy girl
Because for the first two days
She complained about having "gas"
And was too embarrassed to fart in front of me.

So glad she is feeling comfortable with me!
(Even if I know it was a decoy
Because it was getting too deep for her little heart.)

**************************************
A Process

Miz N struggles to fall asleep at night.
Such a difference from Miss M and Ms O
Whose heads hit the pillow and sawing zzz's in less than 5 minutes.
It's a process here. 
A long process.
Her brain just goes and goes and goes.
The good news is that tonight
Finally
She didn't get out of bed.
I pulled a little Love and Logic on her
And let her know there would be a consequence
For not staying in bed
After tucking her in
But that I would have to decide what it would be
If it happened.
The deal is
She stays in bed
And I check in with her every ten minutes
(Which is forever,
According to an 8 year old).
Every ten minutes,
For four increments,
She shared with me all the possible consequences
I could maybe give her for getting out of bed.
But...
She stayed in bed
And fell asleep.
That's success,
Right?

On a side note,
I am also covering her
With Kari Jobe worship music
On repeat throughout the night
And praying over her before bed.
She now has started praying my words
At every meal and before bed as well.
***************************************
Praise Reports:
 - Miz N gets to go to 2nd/3rd grade Church Camp (day camp) next week!!!  So excited for her to have this opportunity.
 - That the Lord allowed me to have these few weeks of summer break to bring Miz N into my home, love on her, bond with her, and help her adjust.  So crazy blessed.

Prayer Requests:
 - Wisdom and words of comfort to help calm Miz N's fears of the unknown and her future.
 - God's will about opening my home to Miz N's siblings.  You see, Miz N has a one year old brother and an almost three year old sister.  I have been asked to take them in my home as well.  I want to.  Desperately.  But....I don't know if I am cut out for those ages of kiddos.

Two sides of every coin..or visit

Miz N gets to visit with her mom
Two visits each week
For two hours each

It's wonderful on one hand
And it's wonderfully awful on the other hand.

Imagine it.
Living with a total stranger.
Being picked up by a case aide
Traveling 1 hour to pick up your siblings
Then another 30 minutes back to the visit location
Seeing your mom
The woman who has been your life
For 8 years
Good, bad, and ugly
And you see her,
Hug her
Talk with her
Bond with her
Love her
The woman who knows everything about you
Good, bad, and ugly
For two hours
Twice a week
And then a car takes you back to the stranger.
And you wait for another three or five days
And you do it again
And you don't know exactly why it's happened
Besides some judge said you can't be with her
And you don't have any idea of how long it will be for
Besides "a while" and you have no concept of time
And you

How can behaviors NOT be an issue?
How can emotions NOT be high?
How can a little girl NOT be able to fall asleep
Because she misses her mom?

I can soothe
I can listen
I can pray
I can share God's promises
But I am not a heart fixer
I am not a hurt fixer

I know I don't have to be
I know I can't be
But it's hard to watch the emotions
And not have "any good" answers to help soothe.

However,
I can pinky promise
An eight year old
That I won't be a stranger forever
And that I love her mom
And that I love her
And that I will be here for her until
Her mom is ready and strong enough to care for her again.

And I can play worship music over her
As she tries to fall asleep
And I can cry tears of pain for her
As she tries to hold them back
And I can pray over her
As she finally falls to sleep



Praise Reports:
-Miz N has an amazing CPS case manager. Within 24 hours of Miz N moving in with me, she rearranged the transportation and made sure Miz N was able to visit with her mom.
-I wrote Miz N's mom a note introducing myself and explaining the transition and the plans to bring Miss A and Baby B to live with us in the next month or so.  She wrote a sweet note and desires to meet me as well.

Prayer Requests:
-Miz N has her required dental and medical check-up appointments (I have to schedule these appointments within 7 days of her moving into my care) and, as expected, is a little nervous.
-Miz N's continual settling into life with me - especially a nighttime routine and getting settled into bed, staying there, and sleeping through the night.

Introducing Miz N

Miz N

• Likes the color pink
• We were both wearing it today
• Adores cats
• I won't hold that against her
• Loves butterflies
• They are her 1st favorite bug...June bugs are her second.
• Hates scorpions
• Had to warn her we get them here sometimes.
• Changes the subject faster than lightening
• In a two minute span she brought up ghosts, scorpions, spiders, lasagna, and swimming.
• Leaves a trail behind her every where she goes.
• Cups, clothes, incomplete thoughts, books, towels, hair stuff, etc.
• Smarter than a whip
• Did you know that baby flies are maggots?  I got a lesson in them over dinner.
• Cuter than a bug
• Glasses slipping down her nose, two front baby teeth just begging fall out
• Enjoys science
• Starting 2nd grade in August
• Now likes mushrooms and spinach
• Said she didn't like them, but wanted to try mine, along with the spinach on my pizza, and she liked them both.  :-)
• Bonded
• Has visits with her mom two times a week and talks about her a lot
• Connected
• Has two siblings and right now they have stayed in the home where she used to be...but she knows the plan is to let her get settled and then transition them to live with us.
• Makes mental to-do lists
• And what she has planned for us to accomplish tomorrow is truly impossible in the time frame of waking hours - crafts, bike rides, barbies, swimming, movie, coloring, and playing CandyLand
• Flying to Michigan
• The ticket cost totally broke the bank, but I have to believe God will provide - there is just no way I can leave her behind in two weeks when I leave.  I just can't bear it.
• Dumped the beer down the drain
• I never have it.  Never.  Don't really like it.  Bought it for a gathering with friends.  Had seven left over bottles.  She opened the fridge.  Made a face.  Told me she didn't like it because she didn't like what it did to people.  So we took them out.  I popped the lids.  She dumped it down the drain.
• Requested Chicken Fettuccine for dinner
• Like I would say no to that???

Is my new foster daughter
And I am pretty much head over heels in love.

Heart Hurt

19 nights with empty twin beds.
I don't like it.
It makes my heart hurt.

Granted,
The time has been good in some ways,
But...
Ready.
Just ready.

It's not that I haven't been seeking the Lord's will
On who should next fill the beds
And my heart and time

Actually,
Before the girls even officially left
I was waiting for almost three weeks about
A set of four siblings.
3 boys and a girl,
Who were foster to adopt
And even though my heart was invested,
God said no.
I have peace about it.
If they don't belong with me, then I know He has someone else.

So then, last Friday,
After the affirmative no
It was back to square one.

Then yesterday came information
On three different sets of sisters
Inquiries written,
Phone calls made,
Now what God?

And then today,
The calls started.
On one of the three sets.
The planning started.
Fast, fast, fast
2 girls
Sisters
Ages 3 1/2 and almost 5
Been in one foster home for 2 years
Now needing a new placement
Would I be interested?

A little younger than I had excepted
With some behavioral issues I am not sure I am prepared for
But,
I've been praying for God to open a door.

Step One:
Tell me their names.
One of the girls' names is just one letter different
Than the one I had always planned to name the little girl
I would some day adopt.
Okay, God.

Step Two:
I was supposed to go ocean side this weekend
Too late to cancel
Called the hotel,
Explained the situation
They accepted the cancellation
Without penalty.
Okay, God.

Step Three:
Can I handle these behavior needs?
Well,
Come to the licensing office
Today
This afternoon
There is a training on focusing on
The specific behavioral needs the girls are facing.
We will help you.
We think you'd be a good fit for these girls.
Yes, I can come.
Okay, God.

Step Four:
Yes.
I'll say yes.
I will meet them Thursday,
I will bring them home Friday.
Yes.
With God's help,
Yes.

Current foster mom agrees.
Licensing agency agrees.
Both licensing worker's agree.
Call CPS,
Make it happen.

Wait
Wait
Wait.
Stop.
Silence.
No response.

CPS supervisor mad
Thinks licensing worker backdoored the placement
CPS supervisor said CPS case manager would call around noon
No call.
No answers.
No idea what is going on.

Two little girls
Need a new place to stay.
To live.
To be loved.
I say yes.
I'm scared,
But excited.
I feel God opening doors.
Then CPS is silence.
The CPS playing the controlling card.

And I hate it.
It hurts my heart.

It's like being in a tug of war
With my heart
With my head
With my faith
With my trust

I like control.
I like answers.
I like plans.
I like maps.
I like dreaming about the future.

Hard to have control when it's not in my hands.
Hard to have answers when the people who have the answers don't give any.
Hard to have plans when other people change them.
Hard to have maps when the way is dark.
Hard to dream about the future when you don't know who might be in it.

I know God is in control.
If this is His will,
He will take control of it,
He will give the answers needed.
He will make the plans, and follow through.
He will set out the map to follow.
He will show me His plans for my future.
The best plans there are
Are His.

Arizona 1.27

Do Justice
Love Mercy
Walk Humbly

It is the mission of my church
Mission Community Church
The church I worship at
The church I serve at
The church I am supported by
The church I call home
The church I love.

One of the justice ministries
At Mission
Is Esther's Hope
It is a foster-care/adoption initative
To help bring new families into foster/adoption
To help support foster and adoptive families
To help train
To help do God's work for children in crisis

It's not just Mission that has stepped forward
It is also 20+ other churches in the Valley
Stepping up to attempt to get at least 1000 new foster families
In Maricopa country in order to help place
The 1400+ children who do not have placements.
The Valley initative is called Arizona 1.27

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:
To look after orphans and widows in their distress
James 1.27

Tonight
This room FULL of amazing people of Mission
And the Gilbert community

Came to Arizona 1.27 orienation night

To do justice and serve the children in crisis in Arizona

To love mercy and show grace, love, and kindness to His children

To walk humbly and submit to His calling them to do this work.

 

It is the first step

In stepping forward

Into this

Amazingly crazy

Love with pain

Journey

 

I love these pictures.

God's people

Stepping up

Living out

Their mission

Their purpose

His will.

 

May they not be stopped by fear.

May they move foward in peace.

May God call more.

May there be more families with homes open for children,

  Then there are children in need of homes.

 

It was a blessing

To spend a little time

Sitting up front on a panel of

Foster and Adoptive parents tonight

Sharing the Lord's call on my life

My experiences of the past 18 months

(When I first went through

A similiar orienation they all completed tonight.)

 

I didn't know what kind of questions we might be asked

And I had thought of things I'd like to say

I'd like to share

But...I don't really remember what was said

Or what was asked,

But I do know that

I probably shouldn't have mentioned my fears

Of my first placement being a paromanaic

And I was a "wee" bit embarrassed that when I got home

I found the tip-end of my nose to be inflamed and red

From a new zit.

(I mean, seriously!)

But,

Despite me,

All I can hope is that God continues to

Call

Lead

Direct

And Provide

For these families

And individuals

And the children whom one day they may open their homes

And hearts to.