Happy Halloween!

I am happy to report
Very happy
That we were drama free
Tear free
Temper tantrum free
On this Halloween night

And WE WENT TRICK OR TREATING!!!!

My aunt
Blessed my socks off by
Inviting us over for lasagna dinner
(Seriously - a HUGE blessing!!!)
Then the girls got dressed
And we hit her neighborhood

The girls took turns ringing the door bells
I LOVE how polite and friendly
They both were
(That's not me - that's their mom!)
Without reminders, prompts, or nudges.

With
Tired feet
Full bags
Thirsty mouths
I put them in the car
And ran back into my aunt's
To steal two water bottles
Then with 
Grateful hearts
We made house visits to
My cousin
And then
Miss Patty,
Their favorite,
And then off to
Mrs. Pooler's house
For some more spoiling.

It was fun to listen in to their sister talk
It was fun to watch them in action
It was fun to see them being kids
Carefree
Happy
Enjoying each others' company
Enjoying the night

Praise Reports:
12 months ago
I spent Halloween
Watching TV
On my couch
With the porch lights off
Like I have every Halloween for the past 10+ years

I'll take this Halloween
And even the days leading up to it
Any day
Any time
Any way
I love my life
And am praising God for His calling on my life
Truly
I am humbled by His allowing me this opportunity.

PS - Trick or treating in Arizona is WAY better than in Michigan.  People actually sit outside and pass out candy. No coats, layers, or winter jackets are required to make the event enjoyable/bearable.



Prayer Requests:
Continued patience, wisdom, and understanding for me with the girls.

Déjà vu

In my head
All day
I was going to pick up the girls
We would go home
We would ride bikes
And BOTH girls would love it
And that would be that.

But no.

Ended up at work.
Late.
Stolen iPhone from a PE locker.

(First - WHY does your 6th grader HAVE an iPhone.

Second - WHY does your 6th grader HAVE an iPhone at school.

Third - WHY does your 6th grader HAVE an iPhone in their backpack front pocket.

Fourth - 

And most importantly

WHY DON'T I HAVE AN iPhone????

But I digress...)

Investigation starts.
Investigation concludes.
Have to finish something.
Can't leave with it left undone.

Don't pick up the girls until 6:00 pm.
We are now in our winter.
It is dark here by 6:00.
It is pitch black here by 6:30.
I mention my disappointment in the car of no bike ride due to darkness.
I guess the other daughter
Not the guilty one from last night
The other one
Wasn't listening.
(Or watching out the window!)

We step in the house.
We unpack the lunch boxes.
She asks
"So, can we get ready for a bike ride?"
To which I reply.
"Um, no.  It's pitch black outside
It's not safe."
To which she replies with a temper tantrum
Appropriate of a 2 year old.
Crying
Whining

Sent to her bedroom for a time out on her bed

Slamming doors
(Oh, no - we DO NOT slam doors here!)
More crying
Refusal to answer.

I sent her into the shower.
Slammed door again.
(REALLY!!!!)
Voice raised this time.
Not effective
But done.
Last warning given
Next would mean no trick or treating

The other daughter
The guilty one from last night
Who hates the new bike
Is gloating with happiness over the lack of a bike ride

(Okay - that's an exaggeration

I am SURE

But it's how I felt she must be feeling!

Even though I have NO evidence!

I prepare dinner
Just for the two of them
My stomach is churning again
And I can't eat with that kind of stress at the table
Just can't.

The guilty daughter from last night is quiet while I cook
I help her with homework
I refrain from saying
"This is a direct correlation to last night with your choices"

(Score one for me.)

The other daughter,
The temper-tantrum thrower from tonight comes out
Wants to chat it up
Wants to pretend nothing happened
Sorry
I don't work that way
We talk it out
We discuss it
I express my disappointment
I express her need to seek forgiveness
It is granted once sought

Dinner is served.
I sit down and lay down the law
Again

Due to the behaviors
From Thing 1 yesterday
And Thing 2 today
They will NOT be wearing costumes to their after school party tomorrow

Their behavior choices and attitudes
TONIGHT
and
TOMORROW morning
Will determine whether Trick or Treating will happen
"Do you both understand why?
Do you both understand what the next step is?"

They have forty minutes to entertain themselves after dinner
With an activity
Non-electronic
Of their own choosing
Dolls for one, again.
Reading for the other, again.
Me
I watch Anderson 360 storm coverage.

Allowance charts.
(Um, no you don't get all your stickers when you have a 20 minute fit carrying on like a 2 year old!  Seriously????)
Bible story.
(Maryann?  What does it mean that the little girl was possessed by a demon spirit in the story?  I want to say - well, that is what seems to have happened to the both of you the past two nights!  But, instead I explain and give some examples.  Score 2 for me tonight.)
Roses and Thorns.
(The guilty party tonight's thorn, "That we don't get to wear our costumes to the Monster Mash,- but then she rushes to add - but that's what's only fair because of how we choose to behave.)

Sigh.
Full moon.
No doubt. 
Tonight was the definition of 
Déjà vu
And for the record
I don't like  
Déjà vu

Praise Report:
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
Praising God tonight for time to process, friends who uplift me in prayer, and for two little girls who I love even when their reactions to situations and things are SO TYPICAL and frustrating!

Prayer Request:
Lord, give me patience!  And give it to me NOW!  (Feel free to rephrase your prayer for me and the girls in a more dignified way and manner.  But you get the picture!) 

Just because I love her doesn't mean I like her behavior right now.

In order to keep the name of the guilty child at bay
I will attempt to not give too many details
(Ha!  Who am I kidding?!?)

It started with a bike.
Two weekends ago we went and looked at two Craig's list bikes
I found a bike for one girl
But the other one we tried was too boyish
And the handle bars were weird
So the second bike hunt continued

A friend said she had a bike we could have for free
We took it home
But it turned out to be way to big for her
The bike hunt continued

Found another bike on Craig's List on Sunday
Called and set up a time to go see it today
The girls were excited
A bike ride was prayed for this morning

On the way I mentioned that it was a girl bike
And that if it worked,
I wasn't worried about the colors
Since I would have other girls who would ride it later

Then the girl without a bike
Got an attitude
A big attitude
"What if I don't like the bike"
"What if the bike is too girly"
What if there is a boy bike there I like better"

"If it works
If it looks good
If it has two wheels to get us around the canal trails
It will be fine."

We got out
The bike was in the driveway
Perfect size
Great condition
One of the colors  in the color combination even happened to have the
FAVORITE color of this girl

But the attitude GREW
-Basically acted like she couldn't even ride the bike
I called her out on it
Didn't change a bit
Thought about not buying it
Told her she could run along the side of the other two of us
While we rode
If she was going to have an attitude
Didn't change still
Grumpier, indeed

Bought the bike
Good price
Wanted one
Other foster-loves to come someday

The guilty child began to
Sulk
Mope
Cross her arms
Not engage in any communication all the ride home

The other sister attempted
And finally gave up
In engaging her in conversation
I was steaming
I turned on the radio
Full blast
To attempt to drown out the silence
All the while thinking
Don't blow up
Don't say something you'll regret

Got home
Walking in the house with a shuffle
Arms still crossed
Got the bike in the house
Still not communicating with us

I go in my room to change
Still mad
And getting madder
I end up closing myself in there for 20 minutes
(Never done that before
Poor other sister)
Hoping some time apart will help
Will heal
Will motivate for change

Nope

Same defiant face
Same defiant attitude
Same crossed arms

Trying to hum my praise song to myself
Trying to remember what I had just been on my knees turning over to the Lord
Not working
Not working
Not working

The other child came in to talk and help me with dinner
The guilty one sulked on the couch
The other child attempted to tell jokes at dinner
The guilty one basically ignored her
I couldn't even eat at the table with them
My stomach was in knots

How far to push this?
How long to let it go?
How to handle this?

The other child wanted to watch TV
But I said no
Because I didn't want the guilty one to enjoy it!
Dolls were played with by one
While the guilty one and I worked on homework together
After I told her she needed to sit by me and request my help
More attitude
More mumbling
More sulking

Enough is enough
The talk came
And then the threat
"If this poor attitude and disrespectful behavior continues
There will be no trick or treating"

Not an empty threat by any means
But probably not effective either.
Not measurable by any means
Not goal oriented
Sigh
Who cares

Even when we went through the allowance chart and
No money was earned for
Treating others at home with love/kindness/respect
Being obedient
Being forgiving
Or for
Positive attitude
Speaking with kindness and respect
Cooperating
Nothing changed

No apologies
No remorse
No taking responsibility

Roses and thorns were awkward tonight
When one was having attitude issues
And MY THORN WAS HER ATTITUDE!
The one child was sent to the bed to read after prayers
And the other had a private talk with me

We don't go to bed
Mad
Angry
Annoyed
Or without saying sorry

This child is strong willed
Her response time challenged my wait time
But I am strong willed as well
Because 
I am teaching her how to apologize
I am teaching her how to be humble
I am teaching her to choose joy

Well, I am trying.

This guilty child gets annoyed when her sister
Misbehaves
Cries
Makes poor choices
But
Like I said to her tonight
At least she gets over it within 10-15 minutes
TOP
The guilty child's attitude went on for 3 hours
Yes - THREE HOURS!
And honestly
Wasn't sounding or looking any better
Even after the apologies
And talks.

So

They sleep

And I blog

And I eat a bowl off too much of this

 With too many of these on top

 Because I can't leave the house and get one of these.

Prayer Requests:
Attempting to step in and help raise, mold, influence, and keep accountable two very different young ladies is amazingly hard and challenging.

Praise Reports:
Attempting to step in and help raise, mold, influence, and keep accountable two very different young ladies is amazingly wonderful because of my God, my support team, and my prayer warriors.

Twas the Weekend Before Halloween

And all through the house
Are wrappers
And candy
But so far,
No mouse.

The pumpkins were craved
By the children
With care
In hopes that
Halloween night
Would soon be here

The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
While visions of
Butterfingers
Danced in their heads

And me in my jammies
And my eyes oh so tired

Aw - heck.
Here are the pictures.

My 50s' girl and my Hippie at their school Pumpkin Walk on Friday night.  I can't even begin to tell you how their choice in costumes COMPLETELY reflect their personalities. 

After three stores, we finally found some pumpkins!  Then we came home to start the fun!

She wanted to give up, several times, but preserved!!!

Rough draft, the pencil it on, and then pray Maryann can crave it like you drew it out.

Wait...this was always my dad's job.  Surreal.

Proud as punch.

The original cat design was (thankfully!) replaced with a simple, classic design, much to the pleasure and delight of the knife-holding and carver.

This foster-love mother HATES candles and was pleased to find blinking, battery-operated LED lights for the bottom of each pumpkin at Walmart while getting groceries today.  The girls LOVED the effect and I love not having to worry about fire!

Praise Reports:
Life is good.  The girls are good.  Their mom is good.  I am good.  Thank you, Jesus!!!

Prayer Requests:
It's another busy week on the calendar.  Last week was the same and I got lax on the girls getting in bed at their normal schedule.  Ms. O can handle that as she doesn't need much more than 7-8 hours of sleep, but Miss M - she needs that 10+ hours and it hit her big time on Friday night.  Sometimes we just go, go, go that I don't mind staying up and chatting and laughing together, but I've got to keep the big picture in mind and how that lack of sleep effects her.

When Life Hands you Lemons...

You know the saying
When life hands you lemons
You make lemonade?
Well, this evening that turned out to be our lesson.

All week the girls have been looking forward to
Thursday night.
Going to Sarah's house.
Where her two boys live
(Same ages as the girls)
And her two foster daughters live
(Cutie pies!)
Oh...and her husband
The tall guy (Miss M can't ever remember his name).

All week I have been looking forward to
Thursday night.
Going to Sarah's house.
Letting the kids play in her awesome backyard
(I am currently coveting backyards)
And us have "foster-love" support time.

Then the lemon came.

The didn't come until LATE.
At 4:00ish when Sarah and I texted -
All was well.
All was on schedule.
All couldn't wait.
Kids.
Adults.

Then I had a "thing" come up at work.
A "thing" I couldn't ignore
Or push off
Or wait to do tomorrow.
My firm 5:00 pick up time for the girls
Became 5:20.
Thus quick dinner at home
Became Panda Express
Them eating and me checking homework
Now it's 5:45.
We should have left by now.
Chop, chop.
Eat that last piece of Orange Chicken.

Then a sudden reminder that we didn't call their mom
Last night
And I promised her we would tonight
Between 5 - 6
On the way to Sarah's.
Then the girls both have to go to the bathroom first.
(Which I have learned is never a quick thing it seems.)
Then Miss M turns around while she's talking on the phone
(On the way to the car to leave)
And she has a HUGE wet spot on her entire backside.
(We are thinking she dropped her pants in the bathroom floor water?)
Now we have to go home before Sarah's.
There is NO other option.
Now it's after 6:00 pm.
We get a plastic bag from Panda's to cover her seat
(She is seriously soaking wet from the top of her waist
To the top of her thighs - just in the back
I can't even explain it.)
Then we run into a semi-truck and car accident on Ray.
(Really!)

Now it's 6:20.
We still aren't home and
Then we need to change
And then we need to get to Sarah's
And that's another 10-15 minutes away.

Without talking to the girls
I pick up my cellphone and call Sarah.
I need to talk it out with her.
(I had been sending text updates with our ETA
Consistently changing)
We talk it through
We are disappointed
But both agree
It's just not happening tonight.
Her girls have a 7 pm bedtime.
Mine have an 8.
We just need to throw in the towel this time
And reschedule.

I get off the phone
To Miss M's sobs.
Harsh
Loud
Crushing sobs.

(DOY!  I should have had a pre-talk with them BEFORE talking it out with Sarah!!!)

I reassure her
Us having to cancel IS NOT
Because of her
Or her wet pants
It just wasn't meant to be for some reason
We will reschedule.
We will see the boys
And Sarah
And the girls
And the tall guy.
Just not tonight.

Nothing Ms. O or I can say will calm her down
She just needed to cry it out.
We finally just let her and ride how the rest of the way with her sobbing.
Then she was okay.
Then she was done.
Then we could talk.
Disappointed, but okay.
Ms. O was the same.

Then we started talking about how this was a lemon.
A big,
Fat,
Sour
Lemon.

Within an hour of time our plans went sour.

So, what were we going to do was to
Make our lemon
Into lemonade

After a quick shower for Miss M
(Gross!  Public restroom floor water!)
And kitchen chores for Ms. O and me.
We got out the Halloween costumes for tomorrow's
Annual Evening Pumpkin Walk at their school.
Then we start picking out accessories.
Soon my all jewelry drawers are open
And being displayed for me to see on them
And being "borrowed"
And being "loaned"
And being drooled over.
(Note to self - Kohl's cheap jewelry for Christmas!)

Then we decide we need to paint nails.
Our Halloween costumes need fancy nails.
Then we pick colors.
It's a hard decision.
Then we all sit around the coffee table.
Then Miss M's pink glitter nails are done.
Then we begin Ms. O's nails.
Then Miss M sings and makes up songs and dances
(All about Jesus
All about how anything is possible with Jesus
All about how He is the creator of the world
All about how He isn't a fantasy
All mind boggling for me to hear come so effortless,
Freely
Lovingly
Out of her mouth.)
While Ms. O had her five different colors of nail polish
On all ten fingers
In a very specific pattern
(Seriously - the difference in nail polish choices
Is a perfect glimpse in to how different these two gems are)

And then repainting a few nails
And then video taping Miss M songs in order to fix
And produce another time
And then secretly video taping a new song attempt
And capturing Ms. O's allergy sneezes and coughs in the background
(Which made for multiple viewings and
Immense, belly-laughs from us all.)

Bed story
Roses and Thorns
Prayers
Bed (WAY past their 8:00 am bedtime but oh, well!)

And there
We had our lemonade from our lemon handed to us.

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests:
I had the girls' month CFT this month.  I have permission to meet up with the girls and their mom any time I want to wherever I want to!  I love their mom and am SO happy for her!  She is gaining more and more opportunities to be reunited with her girls and son and is so focused on staying healthy, staying positive, and relying on God's promises through it all.  She is applying for a grant for housing next week. This will be a HUGE step in moving forward to overnight visits with the kids and then reunification full time.  Please pray that the Lord's timing and perfect will in done in this area.  I LOVE this family and their mom and I both came to the mutual acknowledgement this week that while this has been such a tough road for their dear little family, we truly believe it is all part of God's master plan to intertwine their lives with mine and vice-versa.  I am in awe. 

Roses and Thorns....and Buds, and Seeds, and Prickles

Roses and thorns is a nightly bedtime routine around here
We all love it
We never skip it
(There have been times I have suggested we do but am always out voted)

However,
My two gems have decided it doesn't fit their needs quite enough
The game has expanded
Grown
Matured
And I love it.

I need to play it myself tonight
For the purposes of downloading
This blog has been brewing in my head over the weekend
And despite the fact that the house isn't in it's usual
Cleaned up over the weekend look
I need to blog.
Therefore, I will.

My Rose

Friday night was an amazing night with Christian Family Care Agency
At their 30th anniversary celebration called EVERY
The girls were volunteers at the event
And four dear friends of mine came along
The worship lead by Peter Furler
Former lead singer of Newsboys
Was incredible on his acrostic guitar
And then the original play entitled A Life Connected
Moved us all to tears.
It was so special
So welcoming
So encouraging.

The President/CEO and several other leads of CFCA
Heard about Miss M accepting Jesus into her heart earlier in the week
(My licensing worker forwarded them my blog)
And they each made a special attempt at some point during the evening
To locate Miss M
Tell them they are praying for her
And that they are rejoicing with the angels!
Then the President even mentioned Miss M on stage and
Commissioned the entire audience to pray for her and the other children
This little girl is covered!!!
Praise God!

My Thorns

Oy.
Two is harder than one.
They fight.
Squabble
Bricker
Teased
Scare
Annoy
Each other at every turn.
The new daily fight is who will walk in the door after me and not last because they don't want to shut the door behind us.  I mean, REALLY!!!
I know they love each other.
But, seriously...
OY VEY!

Last night we went to pick up a bike someone donated to us
There was no room for the girls to sit in the back sit at all
So I told them to cram into the front seat together
For the one mile ride home.
Fight.
Ms. O wouldn't move over.
Told her sister to sit on the floor at her fight.
I had to show Ms. O exactly how far to move over.
Then they started to elbow each other
So I made them both sit with their arms crossed for the entire ride home
And told them they weren't allowed to talk to touch.
They looked hysterically funny sitting up there next to me.
It was all I could do not to burst out laughing.
Then before letting them get out of the car,
I told them they both had to give a specific apology to each other
And include a specific compliment/up-lifter to the other.
My two strong-willed girls sat there
FOR TWO MINUTES
And neither would give in and start first
I sat there, waiting.
(I held my breath for the first minute and then let them know that someone would have to eventually humble themselves because we weren't leaving the car until the apologies happened.  It still took another full minute.)
Ms. O finally gave in and went first.
(I had betting in my head it was going to be Miss M.)

Needless to say,
Today I designed a new allowance chart.
The number one section -
Listed at the very top -
Caring for Others at Home.
They can get 10 cents, 5 cents, or 0 cents for three elements in this section.
1.  Being kind/loving/respectful
2.  Being obedient
3.  Being forgiving
We went over the new chart today.
Improvement yet?
Some
Maybe
They both got 5 cent stickers for each category.
Oy.

My Other Thorn

Money.
Never been good at saving.
Ever.
Ask my parents.
I earn it, I blew it.
For years.
Got myself in some big binds.
Still digging my way out.
It's embarrassing
But it's part of me
Part of my story.
Still learning.
Still growing.

I was just sharing with a friend of how the Lord has continually provided with the new financial burden of suddenly going from single to a mother of one to a mother of two.  

But then yesterday happened.
Breakfast with a friend.
Downtown Phoenix farmers' market.
Got some good healthy food.
Found a gorgeous necklace.
Should have looked and left.
Didn't.
Bought it.
Wore it home.
Decided to treat myself to a pedicure.
My one monthly splurge.
(But...wait...what about that necklace, you ask!)
Then I got in there.
I was looking at my nasty fingernails.
For years and years and years I was a nail biter.
I mean a mega-nail biter.
Bandaids needed nail biter.
Finally got over that a few years back.
Until this fall.
The new job?
The fostering?
Who knows.
But I'm back to bandaids on a couple of fingers
Each week.
So sad.
And the next thing I knew.
The pedicure turned into my getting arcylic nails.
SAY WHAT?
I've literally been looking at my fingers since I got in the car,
Thinking to myself
"What the hell were you thinking?"
(Yes - I swear in my head, a lot.
I try not to.
I am getting better.)
I look at my fingernails and think
"Those don't even look like they belong on your hand
I look at the debit card receipt
And kick myself over and over.
Will I ever learn?

The gorgeous necklace and the fingernails that look completely out of place on me.  I hate money....and my lack of consistent responsibility with it!!!

My Bud

I heard about buds online when I was looking for an online explanation for roses and thorns that I could share with a friend who was asking for some information.  The girls loved the idea of being able to share about things they were excited about that were upcoming potential roses.  This past week they both shared buds every day about the upcoming CFCA party and then their visit with mom on Saturday.

My bud is that I am excited for Halloween this year.
Now
You have to know that I traditionally have hated the holiday
I hate the evil
I hate the scary
I hate the gorging on candy
I just do.
But this year is different.
This year it's about two young girls who love their costumes
Who can't wait to crave pumpkins.
Who can't wait to go the Pumpkin Walk at school.
Who I can't wait to show off their costumes to family and friends.
Who I can't wait to steal some favorite pieces of candy.
My bud is that I am excited for Halloween this year
And I am excited about being excited about it.

My Seed

Tonight was our first night with seeds.  It was developed by Miss M in the shower.  Here is her definition.  "A seed is something you are planting and hoping it will one day soon turn into a rose."  It's a hope. It's a dream.  It's a prayer.  Miss M's seed tonight was that in a few months she, Ms. O, their little brother, and their mom can all be living together again.  Ms. O said her seed was the same.

My seed is the same as the girls.
But how will you ever let them go?
It's asked of me almost on a daily basis.
The comment that provokes it is usually
"I could never foster because I could never give them back."
Honestly, I don't know how I'll do anything.
Day in
Day out.
I don't know how I will "let them go" from my home.
I do know that when the time comes
It will be hard
It will be lonely
It will be sad.
But, do I know they have a mother who loves them?
Yes.
But, do I know they have God watching over their every step?
Without a doubt.
But, do I know that every one of my prayer warriors will covering them in continually prayer?
Most definitely.
But, do I know it's not by my might, my power, but by God's
Spirit
Strength
Provisions

I do know that the Lord has placed this calling to foster on my heart
Without a doubt

My Prickle

So, tonight on the ride home from our new foster care support group, I was thinking about the day ahead and that I was not looking forward to specific prayer request I am listing below.  I was thinking, well - that's not a bud for sure.  Then as we are getting out of the car and walking to the house, Miss M says "Mommy?  What should be call a possible thorn that could be coming up tomorrow?  I don't want to call it a bud because I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be a rose that's gonna bloom but a thorn."  We were totally having the same thoughts on the home.  The name for an upcoming thorn was tossed around as we got ready for bed.  It was stuck as a tud for awhile - but finally we came up with calling it a prickle.

My prickle is this--
Friday night I missed a phone call.
It was from the director of DES
In the office children/welfare.
This means it's the supervisors of my CPS caseworker's supervisor.
She wants to talk with me on Monday.
My licensing worker assured me I'm not in trouble
We are sure it is just follow up for the child-care issues
(That still are not taken care of.)
I know I need to speak up
Report the CPS caseworker's lack of follow through
But I am nervous.
I want to be full of grace.
I want to be understanding.
I want to be considerate of caseloads.
But I also want to be an advocate
I want to speak up
I want to keep people responsible.
But, my stomach is doing flip-flops about it.
It's a prickle indeed.
I have my new support group praying
So thankful
I have my prayer warriors praying
So grateful
I'm trying to let go
Let God
But 
That prickle is right there
At the tip of my finger.
 
Praise Reports -The rose listed above!
Prayer Request - The two thorns and prickle list above!

Reflecting 24 hours later

The cream is an expert from last night's blog
The maroon is today's follow up.

*************************************************************************
[It was] One of those days where every step I took felt like two steps back
What a difference a day makes
What a difference prayer makes.

With my boss
(The learning curve is huge in this new job)
Today the Lord provided an unexpected time to sit down and actually talk.  Really talk.  Feeling better.  Feeling validated.  Feeling supported.  Feeling heard.  Praising God.  I do love my new job.  I don't miss the classroom near as much as I thought I would and despite it being new, the different responsibilities and expectations of the job have truly been a God-send with the new foster care portion of my life.
With my co-workers
(I'm sick of asking questions that have simple, easy answers)
After my talk today, I realize asking these questions is okay, expected, and actually appreciated.  I was told that it is normal.  It is where they all started.  I was told to give myself grace. 
With my self-talk
(My worst enemy - my thorn)
Two parts to this one - the big one is down in the praise report section at the bottom.
I also spent some time alone today.  My all day meeting got out an hour before I expected it too and I decided to take myself to Native New Yorker and watch the Tigers sweep the Yankees, enjoy a diet coke, some chicken wings, and just some time alone.  It was good.  My head was relatively quiet. I knew the girls were safe, happy, and content at after school care.  I knew I had to take advantage of a rare day with no meetings, no appointments, no to-do list after school, and praise God for that unexpected gift of time.
With my colleagues
(I can't seem to help them like I want to)
I got some good advice today.  I realized I was trying to build relationships by actually stepping in and rescuing them when what I need to be doing is listening, supporting, and empowering.  I am experienced with talking with kids, with helping kids solve problems, with helping kids resolve conflicts - it is different with adults.  I need to observe, listen, watch, develop language, develop tools, be patience with myself.
With the CPS caseworker
(GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)
With the girls' mom
(First time a conversation felt uncomfortable)
I talked with the parent aide and she vented and I vented about the CPS caseworker.  I realized that my miscommunication/uncomfortable conversation with the girls' mom was because of the wrong message relayed from the CPS caseworker to her about Christmas plans.  While it probably wasn't productive, it was so reassuring and satisfying to have her share the same frustrations, find out who she is dealing with these issues, and making sure we are on the same page with the girls and starting to talk about ways to do more shared parenting/co-parenting with the girls' mom.  Honestly, my experience with the mom and the girls has been about as desirable as any trainer, book, or professional would want - with the expectation of the caseworker.  But, us all being on the same page, us communicating on our own, and us focusing on the kids, the mom, and helping them grow, bond, and reunite and eventually reunify is what this is all about!
*************************************************************************

Praise Reports:

The devil has been tempting me/making me question/bothering me ever since Miss M accepted the Lord in her heart because as I was pondering it, rejoicing in it, I couldn't remember her saying those words "I ask you to live in my heart" or "I accept you in my heart."  It's not that there is any prescribed words that needed to be said, but those were the exact words that the devil was prickling me with.  Last night, when my licensing agency worker came to visit, Miss M walked right up to her and said "I wanted to tell you that last night I accepted the Lord in my heart and now I am going to live in heaven one day."  Out of the mouths of a child came the Holy Spirit's words calming me, reassuring me, testifying her faith, her commitment, her peace.  Words CANNOT express!  Then tonight we read the story of Nicodemus coming to visit Jesus in the night.  As soon as she heard the story she immediately connected it with her own God-appointed choice to be His child.  I am in awe of His work, of His provisions, of His care, of His testimony in my life and consistently showing up and reaffirming things to me when I start to doubt.  

Prayer Requests:

Next Tuesday is the CFT for Ms. O and Miss M.  There is a lot of tension with the caseworker right now.  Please pray for a meeting where we can focus on the girls' needs and actually get the ball moving.  In addition, none of the DES childcare paperwork has come through officially yet.  Since the childcare is through where I work, they are making a HUGE exception for me.  Please pray that paperwork is finalized, submitted, and accepted ASAP. 

Excuse Me While I Ponder

I tried to go to bed without blogging
But my brain wouldn't
Won't
Shut off.
I need to unload.
Or maybe it's download.

Today was one of those days
One of those days where I felt like I couldn't do
Say
Anything right

One of those days where every step I took felt like two steps back

With my boss
(The learning curve is huge in this new job)
With my co-workers
(I'm sick of asking questions that have simple, easy answers)
With my self-talk
(My worst enemy - my thorn)
With my colleagues
(I can't seem to help them like I want to)
With the CPS caseworker
(GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)
With the girls' mom
(First time a conversation felt uncomfortable)

I felt discombobulated.
Not sure why.
I felt disliked.
And I know why in some cases
And in others, it's been going on for weeks
And I still don't know why.

This will sound weird
Vain
Dumb
But I'm used to people liking me
I generally get along well with just about anybody
Not in a cheerleader/popular kind of way
Just in a me-being-me-kind of way.
Well - that and I am a natural born people-pleaser.

In addition...
I'm used to liking people.
Finding their strengths
Looking for their good.
But today
And recently it seems
Not so much.
I just want to bop them a good one
And move on.
Move away.

In the cases where I know why I'm not liked
I want to say that I'm "good with it"
Because I feel like I am in the right
And I am fighting for what is right
And I am standing up for my girls
But
Honestly
It makes me nauseous.
It puts me on edge.
It makes me feel off-kilt.
Okay...it makes me feel guilty.

In the cases where I still don't know why
It annoys
Frustrates
Baffles
Concerns
Me.
And I don't know what to do.

Today felt like the opposite of who I am
What I am
How I am.
Saying the wrong thing.
Choosing the wrong words.
Making a misstep.
Not showing grace.
Swearing up a storm in my head.
(Not as therapeutic for me as when I say it out loud, but I'm a "mommy" know and have really improved my tendency to swear like a sailor.)
Driving in the car and can't stop mulling over
Trying to go to sleep and not letting go of it
And the other thing
And that big thing.

.....
.........
.............

And, it's official.
I have nothing else to share on that topic
And am currently so tired I feel ill.
Good night.

Praise Reports:
My monthly meeting with my on-going placement worker through my licensing agency was today and I needed to talk/vent/mull things over with her so badly.  So thankful the Lord let this be today.  And then I also realized that it was my foster care monthly support group tonight at church and we went and I laughed and I cried and I learned and I shared.  Thank you, God, for this people, these resources, these prayer warriors in my life.

Prayer Requests:
Please pray that I grow thicker skin to let things roll off my back more, yet also keep a measure of grace toward others when I am dealing with people who don't do what they say, when they say, how they say, and then blame me in the end.  I let it get all up in my head and heck - that's just not a pretty place most of the time.
 

Fights and Faith

little Fight - 

Both girls were up before I was today.
Giggles and love
Quickly turned to
Fighting and squabbling.
It ended up one spitting in the others toothbrush cup
And the other in a fit of rage
And me annoyed
Tired
Angry
Frustrated

BIG Fight - 

At 1:05 this afternoon,
I still had no after school care for Ms. O.
And the CPS caseworker's voice mail box was full
Again
And I have no contact numbers for anyone else
To make a hour and a half story short
Multiple calls made
Many people telling me they couldn't do anything
Finding out that no official referral paperwork was ever turned in
My agency on-going caseworker stepping up to bat for me with her boss's boss
And I had to bring Ms. O to work with me for the last 1.5 hours of the day.
(Thankfully my boss okay-ed that.)
Still no response from anyone at DES/CPS on this matter
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Please pray.

little Faith - 

Ms. O needed short sleeve shirts.
We headed over to JcPenny's after work
And I drove past Kid to Kid
(A resale store I've been meaning to try!)
And we went in.
$61 later
(Including 15% off because I am a foster mother buying for my foster girls!)
Ms. O has 12 short sleeve shirts
(I know - we went overboard!  But so cute and so reasonable!)
Miss M got 4 more short sleeve shirts
Ms. O got two pairs of jean shorts
And
Some awesome silver glittery high-top tennis shoes.
$60 was the budget limit I gave myself as we headed to JcPenny's
And I had been hoping to get at least 4-5 tops!
Praise God for this gift today!

BIG Faith - (by a little girl with the middle name of Faith)

Two girls equals a lot of extra
Love
Conversation
Fights
Questions
Attention
Laughter
Laundry
Etc.
But I do love it.

My favorite time is always bedtime.
Yes - because they go to sleep....but more than that....
We read the Bible together.
Miss M has been asking a lot of questions for a lot of weeks
Ms. O seems to feel comfortable doing the same.

The main topic for the past three nights has been about heaven.
Will everyone go to heaven?
How do you get to heaven?
Will my great-great grandma be in heaven?
Will we be people or spirits in heaven?
If we won't be sad or sick in heaven, we'll we get tired and have to sleep still?
What will we do in heaven?
If God created the earth, then who created God?
How do we know about heaven?
Will heaven have all my favorite foods?

I love that they are comfortable enough
And free enough to ask
I loved my family
But I was often too scared to voice my questions
I didn't want to stir any pots.

Tonight
On the ride home from shopping
Down the San Tan Freeway
Miss M
Again
Wanted to talk about how you get to go to heaven

We talked about John 3:16
For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son and that who ever believes on Him will not die but live forever with Him.
We talked about that Jesus's forgiveness is a free gift
There is nothing we can do to earn it
We can never deserve it
We can never repay it.
But, it is FREE and we only have to accept it
Believe in it.

We talked about Acts 16:31
Believe on the Lord, Jesus Christ, and you will be saved.
She asked how people got to go to heaven and how others didn't.
We talked about the Book of Life.
Last night the girls had mentioned that they were Christian's because their whole family was Christian.
Tonight I brought up the truth that faith is individual
Faith is YOU believing that Jesus is God's Son
That Jesus died for YOUR sins
That Jesus rose from the dead
That, because of Jesus,
We can be made clean
Be made new
That's it's because of Jesus that we can go to heaven.

Miss M asked if people said a prayer to God about believing in Him quietly in their head or out loud
I told her there was no right way or wrong way to pray
Pray is a way of talking to God and it can happen
Does happen
Will happen
Wherever it is needed
Wherever God puts it on your heart to pray
I said that there are some prayers I like to share with others
Or say with others out loud because then it helps me when the devil comes back to
Tempt me
Test me
And I can say -
Nope - so and so heard me say that prayer

She said
"I can't wait until we pray tonight.
I have a lot of things I need to pray about."

Fast forward through Bible reading time
And Roses and Thorns time
To prayer time.
An hour or more had passed.
The car conversation had been replaced by
Laundry
Picture forms
Planner signing
Putting sibling fires out.

So...
We tag-team pray.
(My term.)
I "dial-up" God
And then I pass it to one of the girls
Then they pass it to the other
And then they pass it back to me to finish up.
I passed to Miss M tonight.
(Ms. O was first last night.)

This was Miss M's prayer.
On her own.
Unprompted.
From her heart of hearts.
"Dear God.  I believe in you.  I believe in that Jesus is your Son.  I believe that He died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead.  Please forgive me for all my sins.  I want to live in heaven with you when I die.  I love you.  Amen."

God
At
Work.
Stirring the heart of an 8 year old.
Sincerity.
Humility.
Pure love.

I didn't know if Ms. O was going to feel pressured to feel she needed to say a similar prayer,
But she just prayed what was on her heart.
Thanking God for a good day at school
Thanking God for new clothes
Thanking God for dinner out
Thanking God for letting the Tigers win.
(Seriously - I'm not making that part up!)

When I took back the prayer chain
I praised God for Miss M's prayer
I asked God for her to never forget this moment,
This time
This decision
This confession.
I asked the Lord to help Miss M when the devil would tempt her and tell her she wasn't a believer in Him.

A few minutes later
I was tucking the girls in.
Covers tucked in around them.
Kisses on the forehead
Miss M says
"Thanks, Mommy
For praying that the devil would leave me alone.
He likes to bug me.
I'm going to need God's help."

I replied.
"Well - just remember that the angels are up there dancing in heaven right now
So as you go to sleep you can picture them partying
And the devil crying."

She giggled.

Now I am processing.
And crying.
And rejoicing.

My God is amazing.
My God is faithful.
My God is all powerful.

"It's not by might, nor by power, but by MY Spirit, says the Lord!" 

Say a Prayer for Ms. O

Tomorrow is Ms. O's first day of school

First day of 5th grade
Again.

Based on my calculations
As I attempt to put her timeline together
This will be her fourth school in less than a year.
I can't imagine.

Understandably
She is nervous
And excited
About tomorrow.

Today she got to go to an all day Kids' Camp
With Miss M as well
I was at Staff Development with the rest of my district.
She had fun.
It was at a different school
But one girl was there who will be in her new classroom
Thank you, God.
It was one of her roses tonight.
(She always likes to share her roses and thorns first each night.)
Miss M prayed tonight that Ms. O would have a good day tomorrow.

Her teacher is an amazing woman
And just happens to have been my co-teacher
Friend
Mentor
Support
For the previous 9 years when I taught there in 5th grade.
Thank you, God.

Picking out an outfit for tomorrow took a lot longer than any other time.
She doesn't like any of her short sleeve tops.
I don't blame her.
That's never okay for any girl
But especially not a tween.
And not on the first day somewhere new.
I was so focused on long sleeve/winter clothes for Michigan
I totally spaced on the fact that's she's only got 3-4 short sleeve shirts
And two are in horrible shape.
Sad.
Shopping list made.
On the agenda for tomorrow after school.

Keep Ms. O in your prayers tomorrow morning...and this week.
She's resilient.
She goes with the flow
On the outside anyway
She says she's used to it.
I can't imagine.
I wish she didn't have to be used to it.

Please, God.
Protect her.
Give her courage.
Encompass her with peace.

Praise Report:
Ms. O and Miss M did not fight today.  (Well, at least not in my presence and they were only awake and with me for 60 minutes this morning and 3 hours this evening...but still....believe me...that's a HUGE praise report.  Sunday was a LONG day with a LOT of fires to be doused and stamped out...over and over and over.)

Prayer Request:
Beyond the BIG one listed above...I am again in a paperwork issue.  Tomorrow at 2:35, Ms. O needs to attend after school care.  And again, I do not have it.  It's "been coming" for three weeks now.  A reminder email and phone call was sent last Thursday with the promise it was happening that day.  It's now Monday night at 8:25 pm - and nothing has happened yet.  I know this is old hat.  I know there is nothing I can do.  However, I know prayers do help.  They help the process sometimes...but mostly help me keep on sort of sanity.  Please pray over this situation.

Michigan Day 7

Today was Girls' Day Out
And Frankenmuth was our chosen destination.

We spent two and a half hours at
Splash Village at Bavarian Inn.
All three girls are water lovers
And they had a great time with their surprise treat.

Then we had a huge lunch/dinner at Zenders!

Then we did some "girl" shopping as Miss M called it
Around Frankenmuth's main street
Before heading down to the ultimate Christmas store
Bronner's!

We were gone for about 10 hours
But the fun wasn't over yet.
It was declared bonfire night
And, of course,
With every bonfire,
Must
Come
SMORES!
It was a first for both for Miss M and Ms. O.
The Bug was delighted to share her expertise in the
Roasting
Preparing
Eating
of SMORES!

Tomorrow is
Packing for me
Playing for the girls
Goodbyes all around.
The a too-long drive down to Detroit for our flight home.

Praise Report:
I have been so grateful for this week
For time with my parents
My sisters
And even seeing my brother a few times.
I needed it.
I needed to be grounded in their reality and love.
To be encouraged by their words.
To share in the daily observing/teaching/loving of my girls.
To have serious talks about what I see, what I feel, what I think about the girls.
To be confirmed and challenged in what God is calling me to do with/for Miss M and Ms. O.
To laughed and roll my eyes at them at the things these Three Musketeers have come up with this week.
To be me.
To take me, my girls, and all our baggage - figuratively and literally
And just make us all at home.

Prayer Request:
Please pray that we have a safe, uneventful flight tomorrow night from Detroit to Phoenix.  A repeat of the flight we had on the way out would be SO appreciative.

Michigan Day 6

When the girls and I rolled out of bed this morning

I was greeted with the question:

"Can we have a pajama day?"

It was my pleasure to grant that.

Pajamas it was.

Pajamas while we tied their fleece blankets.

   (Thank you Aunt Kayleen! and Grandma!)

Pajamas while playing legos.

   (Who knew Uncle Adam's legos would be such a hit!)

Pajamas while making homemade playdough.

   (Grandma's recipe is truly the best!)

Pajamas while playing playdough.

   (Grandma's got all the goodies!)

Pajamas while making a turkey pin.

   (Grandma rocks.  Can you see the theme here?)

Pajamas until the Bug got home from school.

   (They decided since she wouldn't have them on they didn't want her to feel bad.)

Then it was bike rides outside

More legos inside

And then it was time for the Bug's dance class,

Which Miss M got to attend -

    (Thank you Bay Valley Academy for having "Invite a Friend to Dance Class" this week. 

     Miss M LOVED ballet and tap tonight and Ms. O LOVED gymnastics on Monday night!)

And Ms. O got to stay home and be spoiled by the great imaginator

Aunt Janelle.

When I walked in the door from dance class

I was told to come downstairs.

There was a surprise awaiting me.

My 10 year suddenly "developed" while I was gone for 1 hour.

And she was proud as punch.



It never fails...eventually someone sticks balls or stuffed animals in the front of their dress up dresses to make themselves a little older. She was hysterical with laughter about her idea when I came down to see her "change."

Aunt Janelle and Ms. O had accents going on and everything

   (I was allowed to take a picture of them both...

    But had to swear not to post the one of the Amazing Aunt Janelle on here.)

As soon as Miss M and the Bug caught wind of what was going on

They chose their favorite outfits and decked themselves out

And then the Bug disappeared for a bit...

To the girls' surprise,

The Bug pulled out her tea set

And set it up on the kitchen table

And they had a late night tea-party

The guests were decked out

And speaking in very formal accents

And I was the servant who was tipped with kisses on the cheeks.

The tea time snacks of string cheese, strawberries, and sugar cookies

Served with "tea" (aka - filtered water)

Was a hit.

Tomorrow has been declared Girls' Day.

Aunt Janelle and Aunt Kayleen took the day off of work.

The Bug is playing hooky from school.

(Heck...she's got three teachers with her - she's covered!)

And so tonight was also declared "sleep-over" time.

The Bug and I always have "sleep overs" when I am in town.

I've always slept downstairs in my old bedroom when I come home.

The girls are sleeping in there this week and I am on a bed set up outside the bedroom.

The Bug and I have a special blow-up mattress that is kept in the room

Just for our sleep overs.

Tonight, though,

I've been kicked out of the sleepover.

This is a picture of the calmness

After the pillow fight storm

In my attempt to chill them out before bed.

9:40 lights were out after Bible story, Roses and Thorns, and prayers.

9:50 both Miss M and Ms. O were out like the lights.

It is now 11:07 pm and the Bug is still awake

And is currently seated next to me eating a snack.

She is like me when it comes to sleep.

Either I go to sleep within about 10 minutes,

Or less I am up for who knows how long.

None of this - my head hits the pilllow and I'm out junk.

Thanking the Lord for this unexpected time with my Bug.

But...also praying she falls to sleep quickly.

I'm tired!

***********************************************************

There were some funny sayings and stories from today that I had to share.  I am not sure that they transfer as well into writing, but I wanted to attempt to persevere them the best I can.

Anecdote 1:

Before I read our Bible story tonight, I was reviewing our previous New Testament stories with Miss M and Ms. O and also allowing my niece, Bug, to know where we were in the stories at the moment. When we reviewed who John the Baptist was, I was trying to get the girls to remember his name.  Miss M guessed John the Disciple-Guy and before I could respond, Ms. O guessed John Henry.  Before Bug could add in her guess, I just jumped in and told them myself.

Anecdote 2:

During Roses and Thorns tonight, with three girls and myself sitting around the bed, farts were abound.  It was an epidemic.  It was started by Ms. O and then Miss M and Bug quickly joined in the smelly chorus!  Oy vey.  Can you guess what my thorn was tonight when it was my turn to share?

Anecdote 3:

During lunch today - Miss M pipes up "It's raining."  To which I say "No, it isn't."  To which she replies, "Yes - it's raining leaves."  Two hours later when I brought the Bug home from school she said the exact same thing when we got out of the car.  Is this dejvu?

Anecdote 4:

One of the girls were calling to me from the basement today and the Bug says, "Aunt Maryann, one of your daughters needs you."

**************************************************************

PS - This blocking their faces out for privacy is for the birds.  I'm about ready to take two pictures of everything. One for our scrapbooks and then one where I give them each a stick with their assigned color and shape on it for the "postable" pictures.  Thank goodness for Paint program - but oy....it takes forever.

**************************************************************

Praise Reports:

My family has just accepted and taken in Miss M and Ms. O like they have always been part of the family.  I never really doubted it would be any different, but it still is a huge praise and one for which I can never express my thanks and appreciation.

Prayer Requests:

Tonight during Roses and Thorns, the Bug prayed that when we leave that we'd have a safe flight back to Arizona.  She got a little teary-eyed during her prayer.  Please help prepare her heart when we fly away and leave her back to her only child status on Saturday.  In some ways I know she'll love it and be thankful for that alone time - she thrives on it - but also that she will be able to adjust to the lack of constant companionship she's had for the past week with Ms. O and Miss M.

Michigan Day 5

How do you know you are enjoying vacation?
When you wake up and have no idea what day it is
Or what the plans are for the day.
Life is good.

Today Miss M, Ms. O, and I
Went to the Mid-Michigan Children's Museum.
(My mom had to stay back with the broken stove waiting for the repair man in the four hour block that was provided to her as a guideline.  Oy.)
I was a little concerned that it might be a little too young for them,
But after two hours
I finally pulled them away
Because I was hungry for some lunch!

Dr. O had patient Miss M come in with a hurt leg.  I guess taking measurements of the leg is standard operating procedures.

There also was some correlation between the health of the leg and the teeth.  A mini-lesson on brushing teeth was in order for the patient.

Miss M loved this car.  It had different songs that played when you pressed the horn.  She was driving all over the world it seemed.

Ms. O's got a thing for farming it seems.  She spent quite some time in the house area.  She said it looked like about 100 kids had played in the house and never put anything away.  She organized all the drawers and play food. 

Miss M found the "demo" button on the piano and proceeded to play it and then pretended like she was the one putting out the lovely music.  It was one of her roses tonight when we recapped our day. :-)

Found this little girl just hanging out on a tongue.

Once my niece got out of school
Then play time and craft time with Grandma began.
Mom is the queen of helping kids with making crafts
And she had bought each of the girls beautiful blue sweatshirts.
Then she had the girls gathering leaves of different shapes and sizes
This week as we went on our hikes.
Now today, they painted those leaves
And placed them all of their sweatshirts.
They air dry for two days and then are heat set in the dryer for 20 minutes.
Saturday we'll have to click a picture of the Three Musketeers together
In their leaf-print t-shirts.

Ms O and Grandma in action on her shirt.

The leaf...ready to be painted!

Ms. O's finished project and one of her roses tonight! 

My niece, Bug, and her gold paint.

Grandma and grandaughter - two peas in a pod when it comes to crafting and animals.

Miss M covering her leaf with paint.

Miss M and Grandma with her one-of-a-kind design.

Wednesday night is "call mom night" for the girls.
It was fun "over-hearing" them give their mom the highlights of the past few days
And hearing their "take" on events.
The general conscenus was:
Michigan is fun.
My niece is cool.
Michigan is cold.
My family is awesome.
Michigan is beautiful.

Praise Reports:
Thankful for my family - every single last one of the 10 of them that were around the dinner table for a pizza dinner tonight.  I am blessed beyond words.

Prayer Requests:
Keep on praying those same prayers, please.