Bragging on My Girls

It's only Monday
But my poor girls
Have been dragged
From here to there
And have been total
Troopers each and every time.
No fighting.
No whining.
Good attitudes.
Joyfulness all around.
So blessed.
So grateful.
So thankful.

Monday night.
Look at a daybed.
Grabbed some quick dinner.
Meet at the condo with the friend
Who is going to buy the condo.
Worked on paperwork with friend.
Poor girls completely ignored and overlooked.
Reward/distractor
     - a rare hour of weeknight TV

Tuesday night.
Pick up the day bed.
Move the day bed.
Drop off the day bed.
Pick up the couch and chair.
Move the couch and chair.
Pick up the couch and chair.
Reward/distractor -
     - Down Gilead Lane in the car (we LOVE this radio drama!)
     - A surprise visit and time to play at our new neighbors' house
            (Thank you, Sarah!!!!)
     - Dinner out by our dear moving friends who let the girls tell jokes, be loud, and be loved on
            (Thank you Margaret and Mike!!!)

Tonight.
Huge open house night
For incoming 5th graders
At my middle school.
Couldn't find anyone to watch the girls
(And didn't want to bug certain people in my life two weeks in a row.)
So I grabbed them some Subway
Brought their DSi's
And let them eat
And hang out
And play on their DSi's
On a weeknight (unheard of!)
For a good three hours
In my office
Alone
While I played tour guide outside.
(I did make them read their novels for 30 minutes.)
I checked on them just twice.
They were good as gold.
Again.

Seriously now,
I am not going to win
Any foster-mother of the year awards
For my lack of attention to my girls this week.
For my over-use of technology this week.
But I am so grateful
For their ability to "go with the flow"
And to just enjoy what comes at them.
I know it's rare.
I know it's a huge blessing.
I try not to take advantage of it.

Tomorrow I promised we'd come home
And just veg in the evening.
(Granted...the plumber is coming to us,
But at least we can veg out a bit while he works.)

Update on the House:
It's just a waiting game on Bank of America to finish their side of the paperwork and then we will go into closing.  February 1st isn't going to happen, but I am praying that it happens sometime next week so I can move the weekend of the 9th.  Now I just need to work on getting some boxes and getting some things packed.  Not sure why I am not motivated to do that or worried about the fact that I haven't started.

Praise Report/Prayer Request:
The girls FINALLY have an official visit to see their mom and their little brother on Monday.  They are so excited and it has been a bud every single night since I found out and told them.  However, please pray for their safety to, during, and from the visit.  A taxi company will be picking them up from school and transporting them.  This makes me nervous to be honest.  I do know that they will be together and for that I am so grateful - but I do not know the driver, and even though a woman driver has been requested, there is no guarantee.  I also have no say in the transportation arrangements because I am not the decision maker one way or the other - CPS is.  I am going to invest in a second cell phone this weekend.  I am going to look for one of those track-phones or prepaid phones. I want the girls to have it in their possession so they can contact me if there is anything they need.  Please pray for this entire situation because it does have me on edge.

This, That, and a Little Something Else

Randomness #1 -
I have been online furniture shopping
Craigslist style.
We looked at a living room set Sunday night.
Miss M walks in the house
And proceeds to sit down on the couch
Grab one of the couch pillows
And say
"Isn't this a picture-perfect moment?
A beautiful girl on a beautiful couch."
Ummmm....
Seriously?
Humble much?
Then,
After receiving the stink-eye from me,
She stands up and paces a bit
And next thing I know,
She's walked into the home owners'
Other room and is commenting on their
Big TV and paint colors!
Holy cow!
Needless to say,
When we went to look at daybed
At another house today
She was given a list of things she was not allowed
To say
Or to touch.
It didn't help much.

Randomness #2 -
Ms. O came home at the end of December
Asking if we could work it out
For her to attend Winter Camp with her
Church 4-5-6 group.
Immediately I went online
And applied for a grant
Through the same place that paid for Miss M's dance class.
One requirement is the that CPS caseworker
Confirms the child's placement in my home and with CPS.
My application went to them on December 27th.
The caseworker received the request for the information the same day.
I emailed her a reminder.
I gave her a verbal reminder on the 3rd.
She said she would do it first thing.
The grant agency emailed her a reminder on the 4th.
I asked her about it on the 10th via email.
I emailed the grant agency last week
Looking for an update on the grant.
Received word today that the CPS caseworker
Never emailed them back.
Never wrote ONE sentence
Confirming Ms. O was in foster care currently.
ONE FLIPPIN' Sentence!
Are you kidding me!?!
So,
Who has to break the news to Ms. O.
Me.
Again.
Registration for the event closes this week.
That's not enough time
To get her to give the confirmation
For the grant agency to review the request
For the grant to approve it and send the check.
So mad.
So, so, mad.
Not okay.

Randomness #3 -
As we were heading to bed tonight,
Miss M says
"Mommy?
Why do you think the Lord made me that I talk so much?"
Kudos to me for not answer with my first thought
Which was
(To punish me because I was the same way!)
But we talked about how the Lord gives gifts
How the Lord gives different personalities
How the Lord will use her talent for good
For Him.
We also talked about how the Lord still asks us to
Control our tongue
And think about what we say.
It was one of those comments
That came out of the clear blue.
Would love to know what is flying around
That crazy busy head of hers at time.

Randomness #4 -
Panda Express.
We love it.
We go there too much.
Just sayin'.

Randomness #5 -
My girls have body wash.
Again.
And two more bottles on the shelf.
Hopefully we won't "run out"
Again any time soon.

Randomness #6 -
I was SURE
I had just bought a bunch of toilet paper.
The other day
I couldn't find ANY in the condo.
Looked all over
(Or so I thought.)
So
I bought a BIG batch at Sam's yesterday.
Got home.
Had to find a place to store it.
Walked into my bedroom
To put it on a new pile of
"Stuff" wanting to be stored in the new house.
Guess what I found at the top of the pile?
The BIG batch of toilet paper I bought at Sam's
Two weeks ago when we were there.
Oy.

Randomness #7 -
Miss M announced to me today
"When I grow up,
I want to be a missionary.
I want to move to another country
And teach people about Jesus."
(We are currently listening to
Season 7 of Down Gilead Lane
And one of the characters is praying
About a similar choice.)
We talked about the fact that the Lord
May call you to be a missionary
Right here in Arizona
Or in Africa
But we can all be missionaries.
(But I must say...
I was glad to hear this career goal.
Much better than the pop star
Or movie star she usually picks.)

Randomness #8 -
The past couple of nights
We've been reading the Bible stories
About Abraham
About Isaac
About Jacob and Esau.
It's a little confusing to example the family trees
When they have multiple kids
From multiple wives.
I love teach/read the classic OT stories
But...
Seriously...
The questions and conversations they bring up
Are not for the faint of heart.

Randomness #9 -
If you were to look around my condo
You would have no idea that we are hoping to
Move
To a new house
In the next 15 days.
None.
I should be panicking.
But alas.
I'm not.
However,
Getting some boxes would probably be a good start.

Randomness #10 -
I got nothin'
Just wanted to have 10.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This weekend I attended my first parenting conference.
Yes,
Parenting.
Can you say surreal?
Grace-based parenting.
I love the name of it.
I love the idea of it.
I'm overwhelmed at the thought of it.
I'm excited to step up and apply what I've learned.
While listening
While learning,
There were some ways, I was proud of myself.
In other ways, I was appalled at myself.
In every way, I know that I can't do any of this
Without God's grace
God's wisdom
God's help.

The key illustration to Tim Kimmel's Grace-Based Parenting books and studies

After the conference,
The girls and I attending a school event
And took two other girls I used to tutor
Bowling.

And thus began my first challenge of how to begin to implement what I have learned this weekend.
(Yes -
A whole 1 hour after leaving the conference.
No rest for the weary or blown-minded!)

For the first game
I decided we didn't need bumper lanes.
Then one of the foster daughters spent most of the game
Whining
Complaining
Stomping
Pouting
Asking for the bumpers to be put up.
AND
She had the best score of ANY of the four girls!

I gave some warnings.
I gave some looks.
I pulled her aside.
We had a "character talk."
We had a "watch as I model correct behavior" time.
(In other words,
I spoke directly and made her miss a turn.)
I knew I was failing miserably already at this
Grace-based parenting.
Crap.

Then,
For the sake of the other girls,
(And I made sure this was communicated to the whiner)
I asked to have the bumpers added for game two.
And
Then
The other daughter decided to
Mope
Withdraw
Shut-down
And have an attitude the size of the Grand Canyon.
Why?
Because her score wasn't much higher with the bumpers than it had been without.
Seriously?
I can't catch a break today!
She too received a
"Character talk"
And
"Watch as we model correct behavior" show.

Inwardly,
I was berating myself.
How could I sit through 7+ hours of
Grace-based parenting training
And feel like I spinning my wheels 2 hours later?

Dinner was a solemn occasion.
The evening was sort of blah.
And then came Bible reading time.
The story of Abraham
And the Lord telling him to sacrifice Isaac.
We are currently reading each story out of three different
Children's bible story books
And then looking up and reading key chapters of the story in the Bible.
This,
Thankfully,
Was not the first night we had covered this story,
But tonight,
One question about the story lead to a long Q&A time.
Here is a sampling of a few that are still mulling around in my own head -

"If God knows everything, then that means that God already knew that Abraham would already be willing to obey and trust God and do what He said - so then why did God even ask him to do it in the first place?"

"If God knows everything, then He already knows who is going to go to heaven and who isn't, so why do we have to accept Him in our hearts?"

"If God knows everything, then why didn't he just stop Satan from going into the Garden of Eden and causing Adam and Eve to sin?"

"If God knows everything and can do everything, then why does He need angels?"

"What does it mean that if we don't forgive someone then we can't be forgiven?"

(Someone was listening to Down Gilead Lane's message today!)

"What does Jesus and God look like?"

"What are we going to do in heaven all day?"

"I know I asked you before, but I still wonder how God got there in the first place."

"How does God speak to you and "lead" you like you always say?"

"So is the Holy Spirit like a real ghost?"

Despite feeling completely overwhelmed
And inadequate
About answering these questions,
I was comforted some by our talk.

I must be doing something right.
They feel freedom to ask me questions that
They have been harboring and wondering about
And feel freedom and trust in me to seek the answers
And feel freedom and trust in me to question my answers.
And I'm glad I can be there for that
And that the Lord gives me words to say something in response
To put their sweet, spongy minds at ease
Or to give them something to consider.

Through the ups and downs
And missteps and screw ups
I LOVE what the Lord has called me to do
And I can feel His hand providing me
(And my tongue)
With His wisdom,
His strength,
His grace,
Every
Single
Day.

Now...
Lest you think I am getting haughty,
Feeling too proud of that
Deep
Theological
Spiritual
Conversation
Never fear,
I quickly screwed up again when I went into their bathroom
And found that they have been out of body wash for "awhile"
And one has been using NO soap
And the other was using shampoo.
Seriously?!?!

Guess we need to make a Sam's Club run tomorrow.
Sigh.

God's Best!!!

Let me Introduce to You our Melody House!

Let's review:
1/4/13-Hear about the house
1/5/13-See the house
1/6/13-Sellers agree to sell
1/7/13-Contact title management company
1/8/13-Purchase agreement signed
1/12/13-House inspection passes with flying colors
1/14/13-Termite inspection passes with not a critter in sight
1/15/13-Loan paperwork processed
1/19/13-Bank Appraisal occurs
1/22/13-Bank Appraisal report comes back SPOT ON with agreed price!
1/22/13-Just waiting for the mortgage to process fully!
2/1/13-The day I am praying we receive the keys!

I am SO in awe of God's hand in this!
It truly leaves me speechless.
So blessed.
So excited.
So at peace.
****************************************
Now -
Since I am a girl who loves
Plans
Checklists
Order
My mind is whirling all the time
What to pack
What to weed
What to buy
What to save for
What to put where

And I literally put myself to sleep each night
Mentally walking through each room of the house
Dreaming of wall colors
Accent colors
How to put my mark on our Melody House.

Despite all my dreaming
I am trying NOT to spend money on
All of the decorating ideas that are in my head
--Yet--
I need to be wise.
I need to be smart.
I need to have patience.
(So hard for this impulsive girl!)

But I am making plans
And making lists
And making wishlists
And spending way too much time searching websites
(I love design and decorating more than I can say!
I just wish my pocketbook could match my ideas!)

However
There is ONE purchase I have made.
Those of you who have been in my condo
Know that I have decorated with vinyl stickers of verses on my wall
And I love them!
And this verse HAD to be the one that is going to go above the fireplace.

****************************************
Here are my two favorite parts of our Melody House
(Basically because they are the catalyst as to the desire to move in the first place!)

The backyard!  (A place to send them out to run when they are driving me batty and where I know they are safe and secure!

The garage!  This means STORAGE!!!!  This means no plastic tubs of outgrown clothes and Christmas supplies and bed linens and seasonal clothes stacking up in my bedroom and kitchen!

Look at Me! Look at Me!

I try to make sure I make positive comments
About her hair in the morning.
About her funny jokes.
About her politeness.
About her kindness.
About things to make her look special.
About her school work.
About her waiting her turn.
About her helping.

But now
In the past week or so
She is constantly making side comments
Seeking,
Desperately,
For compliments,
For praise,
For ????

"Look at me, aren't I cute?"
"Don't you think I look adorable?"
"Doesn't this bow make me look like a princess?"
"This is a photo opportunity.  Look at me hug my sister."
"Mommy?  Isn't my singing voice like an angel?"
"Don't you think my Lego house is the best ever?"
"Look how cute my doll and I look in our matching clothes."
"Isn't my coloring picture look just like a professional artist?"

And
After a long three day weekend.
I am finding it incredibly hard
To compliment a child who is constantly seeking it out.
 
I get that she is seeking some reassurance
Some love
Some attention
Some ???
But it doesn't feel healthy
Or right
To feed into the comments
And give her that praise when she passively
(Well, aggressively)
Is seeking it.

It's not that these comments are new,
They have been part of her repertoire for the 6 months with me,
It's obviously the way she sought the attention she was seeking from others
For many years in her life
When she felt overlooked
When she felt like second best
When she felt like ????
But I don't understand why they are so frequent in conversation lately.
This weekend it was endless.

After a few inappropriate responses from my mouth
(Crap...this parenting stuff is HARD!)
I am switching up tactics and
I am choosing not to answer
Not to respond
With the compliment
That she is seeking when she makes those statements.
Instead I respond with a statement
A statement acknowledging I heard her speak
But not satisfying that self-focus
I'm trying to remember to say things like,
"Thanks for the suggestion, but I like to decide what I take pictures of."
"Enjoy playing with your doll."
"I notice you like drawing."
I really don't know if it is wise
Or best
Or right.
She needs some professional therapy to help her heal
Help her deal
Help her learn
Help her respond.
And I need some professional lessons in how to help her heal
Help her deal
Help her learn
Help her respond.

My Friday Melt-Down

All week it was "that week."
That week that wouldn't seem to end.
That week that just seemed to bring one thing
After another.
That week where I couldn't say anything right
Couldn't do anything right.
Couldn't see through the gray clouds.

Then Friday came.
And the week went from
Blah to Meltdown.

(I cried.
A lot.
Granted...it has been about two months -
So I was due.
I just wasn't expecting it.
And it embarrassed me when it came,
Where it came.
Who it came in front of.
Again -
Dammit.)

Then,
It hit me.
Big time.
For the first time
In a MAJOR way
Since July.
(Not that it hasn't crossed my mind mid-argument, mid-temper-tantrum, mid-1000th reminder to do something that they know to do....)
I didn't want to pick up the girls.

I wanted to be single.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to be kid-free.
I didn't want to be foster mama.
I didn't want to ask about someone else's day.
I didn't want to deal with fights, whining, teasing.
I didn't want to care for anyone else.
I didn't want to.

Now -
There are many problems with all those statements.
1.) I can't because no one else will.
2.) I can't because I know it's just a "feeling" and not the truth.
3.) I can't because I feel too guilty.
4.) I can't because I signed up for this.
5.) I can't because I'm called for this.

But
Truth was
Friday night
I didn't want to.

But
After a few text messages
And finding 
No friends to sit with me while I
Drank frozen margaritas
Vented
And possibly cried
I sucked it up.
I was a big girl.
I went and picked up my girls.

But....
On the way
I sent this text
(Or something like this...)
To my dear prayer warrior, foster-mama friend:
"Please pray for me.
I don't want to be a foster-mama tonight.
I want to drink margaritas
Then go see a movie where I can cry
And then go to sleep for hours and
Not think, dream, or wake up to check beds."

It's funny how
(I mean, it's a God-thing how)
Once I admit that to someone
Once I ask someone for prayer
That I feel freedom in the acknowledgement
And I go forward.

I love that I serve a God who answers my prayers when I am
Too tired
Too spent
Too confused
Too embarrassed
Too ashamed
To pray them anywhere besides in my thoughts.

I picked up the girls.
Ms. O says "So how was your day, Maryann?"
I go with the truth.
I go with being blunt.
"Um - kind of terrible and honestly, I'm not in the best mood."

We get in the car.
We head home.
I give them the options
A) Pizza and a movie at home
B) Red Lobster

They picked Red Lobster.
I was good with that choice.

The line was forever long.
But we decided to stay.
So we sat in the car
And listened to
A children's radio drama
And the Lord spoke to me through the episodes
On the beatitudes.
(I love how the Lord speaks to me through random avenues.)

Then we go to eat.
I spend my dinner getting over myself
And doing my job
My calling.
My heart's work.
And telling Miss M that "no, she cannot eat my shrimp dinner even if she did inhale her fish dinner in less than five minutes.
And helping Ms. O crack the crab legs that she "loved" and just "had to have" and then decided she didn't love like she remembered...but I made her eat anyway since I paid for them.

And then we go home.
We do our bed time routines.
They have roses.
They are happy.
They are good.
And I am mending.
And I am breathing.
And I am dealing.

Saturday was a new day.
Full of new mercies.
Full of new attitude.
Full of new resolve.
I screw up the day long,
But
What else is new.

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - The Melody House
The Melody house is moving right along.  The bank appraisal was on Saturday and it's just a waiting game now for the bank to do their processes.  Please pray that we can get the keys around the 1st of the month!

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - My Work
The learning curve for my new job is huge and while I love so much of it, I am also struggling with letting things go and it is starting to disturb my sleep at night as I think and rethink my choices, my decisions, my errors, my words, my conversations.  It's really not like me at all - as I am usually confident about my skills at work - and I beg for prayers for wisdom and peace.

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - The Girls
The girls haven't gotten to see their brother since the beginning of the month and it is wearing on them.  Please pray that the caseworker would return my communication attempts and provide me with some updates about their therapy and visits.  They are in need of both in big ways.

Dancin' at Panda Express

I admit
That I've always been a very
Self-conscious person.
Self-conscious of what people might be thinking about me.
Self-conscious of people around me and if I am infringing on their space, their needs, their time.
Self-conscious of people's actions and emotions.
Self-conscious of how people might be feeling about me.

It's not a good trait
It's not something I'm proud of
It's not something I like to admit.

But it is a people-pleaser trait.
It is a perfectionist trait.
It's probably a first-born trait in some ways.
It's a daily struggle for me.
And it is something the Lord is continually teaching me is not okay.

So, picture this.


The girls' mom's birthday was yesterday.
We met her at a light-rail station stop
And then went to Panda Express
(Because she was hungry for orange chicken).
Since we are having a winter freeze here in Arizona,
I knew we just would need to stay put there
And the girls and their mom would have to spend time together there.

And thus starts my self-consciousness.

We order our food.
There is laughter.
There is tickling.
There is general silliness.
And that's just as we are in line.

We sit.
We somehow take up three tables.
Some late Christmas presents are passed out.
There is running to the bathroom to fix new hats.
There is tissue paper everywhere.
There is loud talking and exclaiming.

Dinner is eventually eaten.
The three of them on one side,
Me on the other.
The girls finish.
The ooh and ahh over the new items some more.
At some point,
The girls commandeered an entire section of the floor
As they performed a "hip-hop" dance without music
(I have no idea when they learned this thing.)
And then proceeded to each perform their own shows for their mom.
One does the robot dance for a good 2-4 minutes.
The other sets up an elaborate imaginary stage and plays multiple characters.
One sits and claps and cheers and laughs loudly.
One sits, trying not to make eye contact with people coming in and out of the doors, and praying no one comes in that she knows.

You see...
We are in public.
In my mind,
There is a way you act
There is a voice level you talk at
There is a rule of acceptability
In any public place.
Even Panda Express.
I mean
After all
It is public.
It is full of people who I don't know
Who might be judging me, or her, or the girls.
Who might be trying to figure out the dynamics.
Who might be annoyed.

You see,
When the three of them get together
It's different.
It's loud.
Really loud.
Blurting out with make-you-jump-laughs.
It is tickle-attacks in public.
It is one girl talking in a baby voice, whining, and sticking out her bottom lip,
(A lot! And I DO NOT LIKE THAT!)
It is one girl being very sassy, very sarcastic, very silly, and talking as fast as she can.
(Seriously - it's like that friend on that old show Blossom.)
It is one who is loud,
Who is over-the-top affectionate,
Who is encouraging of things that embarrass this self-conscious person.
It is one who is trying to figure out whether to sit passively and watch or to step in and put a hold to certain things or to just let them be who they are together...even in this public place...all the while thinking the manager is going to come out and tell us to leave.

Yet,
At the same time,
There is one who is sitting back
Who is observing
Who is seeing love
Who is seeing laughter
Who is seeing happiness
Who is knowing there will be tears when we separate
Who is willing to sit there and let them be who they are together.

Now,
Yes,
That person is technically me.
But it's not.
Do you know what I mean?

I mean,
I am seriously sitting there acting the "this-is-so-great-part"
"I'm-so-glad-we-could-get-together-today"
While at the same time I am thinking
"I'm so embarrassed."
"Get me out of here."
"Should I stop this?"
"Should I give the dirty-stink eye that enough is enough."
(And yes, I do - several times.)
In one breath I am in the midst of the turmoil of self-consciousness
And in the next in the peace of God's presence in this all.
It's the power of God's grace.
God's mercy.
God's provisions.
God's plans.
It's not my efforts.
It's not my natural feelings.
Or my natural tendencies to be able to find peace in this public chaos.
(I like ducks in a row and people behaving like good, normal citizens.)

It's Him.
All Him.
And how do I know?
Well...then we went over to Baskin Robbins
(Yes, the land of 31 flavors!)
For "birthday ice cream"
And thus the "public show" starts all over again
For a new audience.
And I'm the one who drove them there.
Only God.
Only God.
 
(I hope God enjoyed that show last night as much as the customers and workers at both Panda Express and Baskin Robbins.  I'm sure those video cameras at both places would be a riot to watch!)

Praise Report - 

The Melody House is moving right along.  The inspection came back with flying colors.  There are no termite issues!  God keeps opening the doors and pushing us ahead.  

Prayer Requests - 

1.  Please pray that therapy sessions for both girls get re-assigned (it's been another month wait since the re-assignment was supposed to happen) and that a case aide is assigned to the family so that weekly visits can be reinstated.

2.  Please pray that the bank appraisal happens quickly and comes back at or above the agreed purchase price so we can continue to move forward and be moving into our new place by the first of February!

In My Heart There Rings a Melody

I have a song that Jesus gave me,
It was sent from Heav’n above;
There never was a sweeter melody,
’Tis the melody of love.

In my heart there rings a melody,
There rings a melody with Heaven’s harmony;
In my heart there rings a melody,
There rings a melody of love.

These lyrics to this song have been rolling around in my head

Because

Lord willing

Melody is going to be the name 

Of the street

Where our new house is.

Yes.

New house.

I bought my two-bedroom condo

Three years ago.

It was perfect.

Perfect size.

Perfect location.

No yard.

No maintenance.

Loved it.

My parents have been searching

For a condo in the area

For over a year

And time after time

No luck.

Market too saturated with offers.

Then I became a foster mama.

And suddenly

My condo was

Too small.

No storage.

No backyard.

No safe area to play outside on bikes.

No room for visitors.

Felt cramped.

 

Then the brainstorm.

Let's join my condo

And their condo

And buy a house.

Three bedroom.

Two bath.

With a backyard

And a garage.

Then the search began.

And

Well, let's just say

That the Phoenix market is starting to rebound.

The market at our price level is saturated also.

Four months.

Four months of searching the web

Searching the neighborhoods.

Viewing houses.

Putting in offers.

Competing against 3-8 other offers every time.

And a ton of cash-only investors.

Frustrating.

Disheartening.

Then,

Last Friday,

My friend

(My new foster mama friend)

Tells me that her neighbors

(Yes, her next door neighbors)

Are either going to rent or sell.

She toured the house.

She asked them if she could tell me.

She asked them if they would maybe sell to me.

Saturday we toured the house.

Perfect location.

Perfect backyard.

Tons of storage.

Three bedroom.

Two bath.

Great condition.

Perfect price.

Only glitch.

Wife wants to sell,

Husband wants to rent.

Sunday

(Yes, the next day)

The husband calls.

They will sell it,

Without listing it,

At the perfect price,

And are willing to close 

By February.

My parents love it.

My parent say go.

We start the go.

Monday

I get tips from friends and co-workers.

The husband does, too.

We pick a title-company.

Tuesday

The purchase agreement is filled out

The purchase agreement is signed.

The home inspector is contacted.

Wednesday

The loan paperwork is started.

The home inspection is scheduled.

The termite inspection is scheduled.

Thursday (today!)

We agree to close ASAP

February 1st is the goal.

February 13th is the final.

I wasn't going to post anything,

I was just going to keep it between

My parents and I

And my friend and I

But...I need prayers.

I want prayers.

There is part of me that thinks 

If I admit it

Put it out there

Talk about it too much

That it won't happen

But that's stupid.

That's silly.

If this is God's will -

Then let the doors continue to FLY open.

If this is His best for us,

Then YAY!

If He has better for us,

Then let His will be done,

And help me to trust in His will.

As I see it,

There are three possible things that could stop this at this point

1) Finding a big issue with the home inspection

2) Finding an issue with the termite inspection

3) The house not appraising for the agreed cost

I truly don't see any of these three being a problem,

But will you still join us in prayer.

Prayer Requests - 

The home inspection is Saturday at noon.

-Please pray that it is clear, perfect, and easy!

The termite inspection is Monday at 8 am.

-Please pray that there are no termites or termite damage.

And the appraisal has not been set yet.

-Please pray that the Melody house appraises at the agreed amount.

And the paperwork is in process.

-Please pray that it is finalized easily and quickly.

This entire process went from 

Slow, slow, slow

To

Wowie, wow, wow, wow

In a blink of an eye.

It's been a great prayer

And God's working lesson

With the girls.

Their bubble of what it means to 

Search for a house

Buy a house

Has been busted wide open

But it's encouraging to hear them pray for the Lord's will in this all.

So-

If you would

Would you pray for our Melody house?

A Little Ego and A Lot of Joy

Earlier this fall
Before Ms. O was officially living with us
Someone at my church contacted me
And asked me if I'd be willing to be video taped about
Being called into foster care
And how the Lord was working in my life.

The girls came with me
We sat in the ladies lounge area in the restroom
And I just talked
And I guess they just taped.

I don't remember what they asked me.
I just remember talking
And explaining
And it was done.
Then
About six weeks later
This video
(Click on the link here - Esther's Hope video)
Was played during the weekend services.

And then tonight
I found it on the church website
On the Esther's Hope page
And I decided to just share it.
Because--

I admit
I love watching myself on the video.
And I've watched it a few times this evening now.
And it's made my cry.

Why, you ask?
(No, I'm truly not that egotistical.
At least I hope I'm not!)

Because I get to
See myself happy.
See myself content.
See myself filled with joy.

It's odd.
I know what it feels like inside of me.
But it's hard to describe.
It's hard to put into words.
Then I see myself in the video clip
And I can see it on the outside.

(Granted - it's not all 

Sunshine

Roses

And 

Unicorns 

Around Here.

Remember what I did to the girls' roses,

Lest you start to think more of me than I deserve.)

But I am happy.
I am content.
I am joy-filled.
Why?
Because I am being obedient.
I could go into details of my life
Long periods of my life
When I knew the Lord wanted me
To Move
To Change
To Act
To Go
To Stay
To Do
To Be
And I didn't.
I was too scared.
I was too scared of what others might think
Might say.
Might wonder.
I was too scared of the unknown.
Of the questions.
Of the change.

What did that bring?
Bitterness
Depression
Discontentment
And a potty mouth like a sailor.
(Well...I'm still working on that one.)

Now
Again -
Don't get the wrong impression - 
I am not joy-filled because this road is easy.
This road has been hard.
This road has been challenging.
But walking down this road of fostering
Has been the biggest blessing of my life.

You see.
God called me.
He gave me strength to step up and say yes.
And He has shown up
EVERY
SINGLE
STEP
OF
THE
WAY.

When I see my face on that video
It reminds me of how I feel
How I've felt
When I've traveled internationally
And been part of mission work
In India
In Bulgaria
In Jamaica

It's that indescribable experience of
Going to others
Serving others
Praying for others
Teaching others
That
Without understanding
Without comprehension
Swings right back around at you
A thousand times moreover
As they serve you
They teach you
They bless you
They pray for you
(Despite the mosquitoes, ants, heat, sweat, lack of toilets, lack of communication, strange food, lack of sleep, jet lag, odd smells, etc., etc., etc.)

That's how I feel about fostering.
Except
It's here.
It's in my home.
It's day in and day out.
And I truly have never been more at peace
In my life.

I pray for them.
I care for them.
I love them.
I serve them.
And guess what.
They give it right back to me
A thousand times over
In a thousand different ways
And without knowing it.
(Despite the temper tantrums, endless laundry, smelly feet, whining voices, homework battles, dust bunnies, stacks of dirty dishes,

Today was the first court date I knew about and attended.
I went to support the girls' mom.
I sitting in a court room
At a review
For the first time in my life
(Not getting selected for countless jury duties doesn't count in my book.)

There were lots of people.
There was lots of formality.
There were family members calling in by phone.
There were lots of lawyers.
There were lots of people who knew this family by name, but nothing else.

And I was there for someone who was a stranger to me until 5 months ago.
And I was there because I love her daughters as if they were my own.
And I was there because I believe they belong together.
And I was there.
Why?
Because God put me there.
There is no other answer.

I don't know why.
I don't know for how long.
I don't know.

God is working in my life.
God is working in the lives of many of my new friends.
God is working in the people at my church.
God is working in the lives of families here in Arizona.

Is God calling you to step up?
Is God calling you to step forward?
Is God calling you to reach out the children in one way or another?
If so, there is a great informational meeting coming up. Click here to find out more.

Wow - 

Okay.

This entry has grown exponentially since I originally sat down

But it was like a little mini, self-therapy session.

Good night, all.

The 2013 Plan

Resolutions?
Nope.
None.
Seriously.
Not making any this year.

However,
I am taking claim in 2013.

Claim of God's promises.
Claim of His everlasting love.
Claim of His plan.
Claim of His control.
Claim of His TRUTH.
Claim of His GRACE.

I am claiming the promise of Jeremiah 29:11 -

I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.

Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.

Plans to give you a hope and a future.

And in order to claim that promise
And to drop my type A-ness
And leave it in His hands,
I will need to seek help and prayerful support of Psalms 27:14

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

And when I am tired
Beat
Exhausted
During the waiting
I must also claim the promise of Isaiah 40:31 -

But they who wait for the LORD 

Shall renew their strength; 

They shall mount up with wings like eagles; 

They shall run and not be weary; 

They shall walk and not faint.

Oh...and this song
Might not be such a bad one to start off every day
And end every night with.

2012 in Review

January -
Meet with CFC
Meet the amazing DM, my CFC licensing worker
Found out that fostering could led to adoption for me
Began to tell family and friends that the Lord was calling me to be a foster mom.
Started being the storyteller for the kids' service at church

February -
Started my 10 weeks of state mandated foster care training class
Meet 12 fabulous couples also called to go through the PS MAPPS II training with CFC as well
Began to worry my first foster care placement would be a pyromaniac.
My motorcycle grandpa died and "How Great Thou Art" was sung at church just the day before
I was able to go home to Michigan for the funeral.
My parents came out for their yearly visit.

March -
Training continued with CFC
Stayed in Arizona for Spring Break
Started making plans to go on a "last mission" trip before fostering
Started fundraising for the trip to Malawi, Africa

April -
My church announces their foster care initiative and mercy support group called Esther's Hope
My sister came out for her Spring Break
Finished my 10 weeks of MAPP training
Continued mounds of paperwork for licensing
Began to update my resume in case any different job positions opened up

May -
Interviewed for a new position within my district
Passed my state home inspection
Received a middle school student advisor job at my 'dream' middle school
Packed up my classroom and moved into an office space

June -
Worked for the district on assessments and curriculum
Trained teachers through my district
Finished my licensing paperwork
Completed my CFC home study
Prepared the guest bedroom to be a girl bedroom
The Lord began to shut the doors for me to go to Malawi

July -
Visited Michigan for 10-days and made it to Mackinac Island!
Went a wedding in California and held my sweet baby Eza the entire day!
Submitted my fostering license paperwork to the state
Met VB, my new on-going licensing worker with CFC
Started my new job on July 23
Received my state license on July 23
I started blogging, in order to be able to turn off my brain and sleep at night
Started the first day with teachers on July 31
Miss M moved in on July 31

August -
First day of school for Miss M
First day of administration for me
First CFT meeting
First time being asked to bring Ms. O home with us.

September -
First time suspending a kid from school
Gave up prime time TV for blogging and sleeping
Began to get the ball rolling to have Ms. O come and live with us.

October -
Ms. O came to live with us.
A friend bought Ms. O a ticket to join us in Michigan.
The three of us flew to Michigan for fall break.
My first Halloween with girls.

November -
Began to reach out and meet with girls' mom
Bought a bigger car
My sister and niece came out for their yearly visit.
Made Thanksgiving dinner and hosted it for the first time.
Began house-hunting for a house with an extra bedroom and a backyard!

December -
Survived a 9 year old's birthday week
Bought a Christmas tree for the first time
Hung outside Christmas lights for the first time
Didn't go home to Michigan for the first time
Made new traditions here with the girls for Christmas
Didn't go home for my birthday for the first time
Still turned another year older despite my family not being present
Celebrated New Year's Eve with 14 kids and 5 adults - none whom I knew a year ago!

Jeremiah 29:11

A year ago,
I didn't know Mama Sarah
Her prince,
Or her young princes.

Then we met in foster care training classes.
We both were teachers.
We both have heart for mission work with mothers and children.
We both were sign language majors before being teachers.
We both were entering the crazy world of fostering.
We both love the Lord.

Mama Sarah is one of my new foster friends in 2012.
(I love that I have that in my life.)
She's one of my prayer warriors.
I can vent,
I can be honest,
I can cry,
I can laugh,
With her about fostering
About trying to "mother"
Without judgement.
And I can't express how much that means.

(And there are others as well...so blessed to have others!)

Fast forward last week.

I email Sarah
And proceed to
Basically invite us over for New Year's Eve
With the promise of bringing lots of food.
(If they were by chance free!)

She says yes.
YES!
(God love her for saying yes.
And with such JOY!)
And she invited another family in as well
The wonderful Walker family.

Fast forward to tonight.
We spent New Year's Eve
At Mama Sarah's and her prince's house...
With five adults
And 14 children
Ages 2 - 12.
5 biological kiddos.
2 adopted kiddos.
7 foster kiddos.
(All who were part of sibling sets.)
(Seriously, God???
I LOVE THIS!!!!)

Lots of food.
Great fireworks.
Kids playing.
Kids singing.
Games.
Talking.
And celebrating the coming of 2013
At 10pm Arizona time!!!
(Yes!
Do the math -
That's midnight in NYC
And more importantly,
Michigan!)

My girls were happy.
My girls felt special.
My girls were blessed.
(And asleep and in bed by 11 pm!)

Have I mentioned lately that I
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
What the Lord is doing in my life?
What doors the Lord is opening and shutting?
What lessons the Lord is teaching me?
How the Lord is molding me in this season?

It's hard at times.
It's fun at times.
It's crazy most of the time.
It's confusing a lot of the time.

But it's His plan.
It's His will.

It's His story
That He is writing.
For me.
For the girls.
For those other 5 foster kiddos I spent the evening with.

Last week
Mama Sarah prayed this verse over me and the girls
After calling to covering me in prayer when I was feeling
Wordless

Jeremiah 29:11
"I know the plans I have for you,"
Declares the Lord.
"Plans to prosper you,
And not to harm you.
Plans to give you a hope
And a future."

The girls and I highlighted this verse
In their bibles this evening.
It's our 2013 verse.
It's our first memory verse of the year.

As Mama Sarah suggested,
I pray this verse,
Claim this verse
Over the girls each night.

I
Don't know
What
2013
Holds
For me
Or for them.
But
That's doesn't matter
Because I serve a God
Who DOES know
Who DOES care
Who DOES have a plan
A hope
A future
For me
For them
And it is PERFECT.