Putting it out there

I love being a mom.

There.
I said it.
(Well, I wrote it.)

To put to plainly, I've wanted to adopt since I was about 10 years old.  For whatever reason I've never envisioned myself married, but I never saw myself without children.  I don't know where I got the idea from or why or anything - but adoption was always in my future plans.  I started researching international adoption when I was in my mid-20's with a goal to adopt by 30 - well, I soon realized why most single woman I know wait to adopt until they are closer to 40.

Then I started to think the dream would never happen.
So expensive.
So expensive.

Then the Lord told me to foster.
(Yes, I know it was Him...it had to be.  I couldn't have come up with this on my own.)

"You have an empty bedroom."
--But that's where my family stays when they visit.
"You have an empty bedroom."
--But that's where I store all my extra stuff that I have no where else to go."
"You have an empty bedroom."
--But then I can't travel like I do.
"You have an empty bedroom."
--But what if their needs are too great for me to handle.
"You have an empty bedroom."
--But I can't do it on my own.

I sat on the command for 6 months or more.
Then, by His grace, I stepped out.
I surrendered.

I'm not good at surrendering.

I'm the first born.
(I think I was the case study for those birth-order books.)
I like order.
I like my ducks in a row.
I like my inbox cleaned out every night.

I'm single.
I've lived on my own for over a decade.


I like to sleep in.
I like to eat what I like to eat when I like to eat it. (Obviously.)
I like shopping alone.
I like to travel.
I like to do laundry twice a month.
I like my quiet time and space.
A lot.

Parenting is hard.
I know that.
I knew that.
I watched others.
I prayed for others.
I helped others.
I admired others.
I was jealous of others.
I was mad at others.

But...just like I knew I was supposed to be a teacher (even though I resisted for awhile),
I knew I was supposed to be a mother.

Albeit temporarily - for days, weeks, months, or years.
I knew it.

Unconventional although my path may be, I can see step by step, throughout the past 5 years specifically, how the Lord lead me to right here.
Right now.
To Miss M.

And...I love it.

It's only been a week.
There will be ups.
And downs.
Bumps
and
Twists.

And there already have been.

But I love it.

It is hard.
It is exhausting.
It is expensive.
It is mind-blogging.  (Literally!)

It is concerning.
It is questioning.
It is wondering.
It is wishing and hoping.
It is juggling more than I have ever cared to juggle.


It is sunshine smiles.
It is roses and thorns kneeling by a bed.
It is listening to someone talk non-stop from the moment eyes are open.
It is glitter all over me from "girly" clothes.  (And I HATE glitter.)
It is playing Othello with my little girl like my grandma used to with me when I spent the night at her house.



It is praying for Miss M's mommy.
And sister.
And brother.
And future daddy.

It is praying I can play some kind of role in helping a family heal.
Bond.
Attach.
Grow.
Love.

I don't know if any of my foster experiences will lead to being able to adopt or not,
   but I am at peace with that.
I don't know how long Miss M will be with me,
   but I trust God that it will be exact amount of time in His will and plan.
I don't know what conversation might come my way from a little girl who has been broken and hurt,
   but I believe He will provide the words in the moment.
I don't know when I will break down and think this is too much,
   but I know when I do I have friends and family there to lift me up in prayer when I can't.

I do know that I love being a mom.
I do know that I am thankful for this opportunity and the learning curve that comes with it.
I do know that Miss M has already changed my life in the one week we've been together.
I do know that it is God's grace that leads me and directs me.

I do know that I will never be the same.
And thank God for that.

Praise Report:

Today felt less stressful - like we were getting used to the 'new normal'.

I like normal.

Prayer Request:

I have a CFT meeting (Child Family Team) meeting next week with Miss M's caseworker and behavior support counselor.  Pray that I have the wisdom to know what to ask, what to request, and clarity to express Miss M's needs.