Etched in my heart

A snapshot into our conversation in the car on the way home from school today..to the best of my memory and how it is etched into my heart.

"Mommy, can I invite ____, my new friend, over for a playdate?"

"Well, let's give it some time and we'll talk about it in a few weeks.  We need to get settled into school and our new routine first.  Anyway, you kind of get a playdate with her every day when you are at after school club."

"Yeah, but I might not be here that long."

"Remember, we talked about that you'll be with me until your mommy is healthy and has everything ready for you all to come and live with her.  Her goal is to be ready by Christmas, but if not, you get to stay with me..."

"No, I mean when you can't handle my behaviors and I have to move again."

I reached back and grabbed her hand.  "You're not going anywhere, Sunshine.  Until your mommy is ready for you to come home with her you are staying with me."

No response.

"Have you and I been doing well together since you came to live with me?"

"Yeah, and I'm really happy."

"And have you been being yourself and the great kid that you are?"

She laughed.

"Just because that was the reason ____ said you had to leave ____'s house, doesn't mean that is going to happen again. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Besides - it seems like we are perfect together.  You're my little sunshine girl."

"Yes, I am."

"And I can't let you go live with anyone else until your mommy is ready for you.  What would I do without my Sunshine?  When that happens you know that I will be sad that you won't be with me every day and I won't have your sunshine smiles, but I will be so happy for you, and your mommy, and whole family!"

"My daddy, too.  Don't forget him!"

"Yes, your daddy, too."

"I don't want my kids to grow up without a daddy or be in CPS like I am.  I'm gonna take good care of my kids and be a good mommy."

"I'm sure you will be.  No one is perfect, but just love your kids and make good choices."

"Mommy?  Will you be my kids' other grandma when I have kids?"

I laughed.

"Sure, I will.  Just promise me that's not going to be for a very long time.  You have to graduate college first, okay?"

"Okay.  College first, then babies."

A pause.

"You know what, Mommy?"

"What?"

"I feel like the girl in Tangled?"

"Tangled?"  (We rented it for our Friday night movie date.  She watched it twice.)

"Yeah - when she was spinning around and was so happy.  'Cause I am happy and I keep having days with lots and lots of roses and no thorns."

"Awesome.  Me, too."

"Mommy?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a turkey and bologna sandwich for lunch tomorrow?  With two pieces of each?"

"I think I can do that."

"Cool."

It's hard for me to wrapped my head around the hurt and abandonment that Miss M has experienced in her short eight years of life.  I know this conversation is one that is bound to come up over and over and today wasn't the first time she's mentioned "when she has to leave" but today it felt different.

More worried...
Like she was worrying the rug was going to get pulled out from under her.
That's it's too good to be true.

I mean, I get it.

There are times in my life when things seem almost too good to be true and I've wanted to pinch myself...but I've never had the fear of abandonment wrapped up in those times.


Praise Report:
I received a short little email update from Miss M's teacher about her successful first two days of school!  I'm one proud momma.

Prayer Request:
Please pray that I have wisdom to use the right words to assure and reassure a little girl's wounded heart and that I can read between the lines when/if needed.  Pray that I can continue to demonstrate to her God's unconditional, never-ending love and that she'll begin to understand that HE will NEVER LEAVE her or forsake her!