Freaking Out

Lest anyone think I have it all together
Let me burst any bubbles you possibly
And erroneously
Have

My "Only God" posts are truly goose bump posts for me
And these Only God moments
Are the tiny thread of assurance that have been holding me together
But
I am
And I have been
On the verge of freak-out mode
On the verge of foster-momma meltdown

You see
I like control.
I like order.
I like to have my ducks in a row.
I am the first born.
And this summer has really
REALLY
Been a stretch for me
A growing time for me
As far as it goes for
Patience
Flexibility
Scheduling
Organization
Going with the flow
Keeping my hands off
Letting Go and Letting God
And about a million other things...
(Half of which I don't want to admit)
But
In reality
My head still spins a mile a minute
Okay -
Who am I kidding -
A light year a minute -
With freak-out thoughts
And I have to stop the spinning and
Process
Which means
Confess.
Accept.
Admit.
WRITE.

Do you realize that last night I had my first
Going back to school nightmare?
NIGHTMARE!!!
It entailed
Three little girls taking turns not sleeping all night
A foster momma not getting any sleep
A foster momma missing first period math class
A foster momma getting fired because it was the third time she had done it that school year
A foster momma forgetting a baby in the back of her car
And a foster momma going to jail for life.

Um. Yeah.
That foster momma was me, folks.
Freaking out here.
And this is also why I should not read the news
Or any Yahoo cover stories.

Do you realize that I have a six-week old baby girl
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
Moving into my house tomorrow?
SIX WEEKS!
She only weighs nine pounds!
NINE!

What the heck am I thinking?
What the heck is God thinking?

Do you realize that I start school again
In 21 days!
TWENTY ONE!
And I am teaching a brand new subject
(Yay - 6th grade math)
With three
(Well, two and a half, I guess)
New preps
And I have not done a lick
NOT A SINGLE LICK
Of school work since I have left the last day of school?

This is so not like me.
Not at all.
And yet the rolling cart of summer work
Sits on the floor next to me as I type.
Yet untouched.

Do you realize that in 10 days
TEN
My sister is moving down here
(Yay! Teaching in my district! Yay!)
And moving in with me for the first year
(Yay! I think we can still live together after all these years!)
And I have a bedroom to clean out for her
And a closet to clean out for her
And I need to make room for her
And -
When she moves out here
My parents are helping her drive out here
And that means two more house guests
(Yay! They get to meet the three little misses!)
And more bodies in the house.

Yup.
There are a lot of yays in that above freak out
Laced with a whole lot of
Panic.

Do you realize that I may never sleep again?
NEVER!
And that I love, love,
Did I say LOVE?
To sleep
And a newborn doesn't understand the need for adult sleep.

See - freaking out about lack of upcoming sleep
And usually freaking out about it while I should be sleeping.

Do you realize that I have to find an in-home daycare
For a six week old baby
SIX
WEEK
OLD
BABY
(Who will be eight weeks by daycare time)
Because my agency won't let babies attend group daycares?
And
I am sorry, folks
But I have called
And called
And called
In-home
DES-approved daycares
In a 10 miles radius from my home
And it is scary
SCARY!
My notes next to some of the phone numbers I called say
"Bad feeling."
"Gut says no."
And
"Oh, hell no."

My stomach is starting to ache.
Seriously.

Do you realize that I have to take
Three Little Misses
To three separate
SEPARATE
New patient appointments
At the same doctor
On three separate days this week
Because they only do four new-patient appointments a day
And none of those set times are back to back?

I think I got the new scheduler when I called.
And honestly, this makes me the most upset
Because it means I can't wear the same outfit
Three days in a row
Like I have for most of the summer.
Oy vey.
I have issues.

Do you realize I have
Re-washed the same set of laundry
At least four times in the past two days
FOUR
Because I keep forgetting to go switch it to the dryer
Even though the very loud
BEEP
Goes off each time?

This wouldn't be a freak out mode if I wasn't in the middle of
"High Summer Energy Costs"
And getting daily reminders from SRP that my electric bill
Is already over $220 for the month and it is only July 7th!

Do you realize that I have two new little girls
NEW
Sleeping in the room next to where I am typing
And I honestly have looked at them a few times
In the past few days
And panicked
Because
I
COULD
NOT
REMEMBER
ONE
or both
OF THEIR NAMES!!!!

It's shameful.
It's embarrassing.
But - seriously -
I have done respite for 12 different kids this summer
Before they moved in with me!

Do you realize that I have wasted
An extraordinary amount of time
PRECIOUS TIME
Processing
Writing
This blog
When I do be dealing with half of the things I am freaking out about?

Yeah - I realize it, too.
But don't you dare point it out to me.
I am signing off now and going to watch some Netflix.
So there.