Transitioning Pains

Weekend visits for the Littles started six weeks ago.
Weekends with mom
Weekdays with me
The transition plan started well
Slow, realistic, doable
While yet mentally
Physically
Emotionally
Exhausting.

Court was a 11 days ago
Thought the Littles were going home that day.
Packed
And prepared
As much as one can
For that to happen
But the judge changed up the transition plans for them to go home.
Miz N first.
Then Mr. Smiley, the baby
And then the Littles.
Makes sense on paper,
But in reality -
Transitions had been already going for four weeks
And now they were recommending an additional six.

And so the weekend visits continue.
And the longer we go,
The harder it is.
For her.
For them.
For me.

The Littles are confused.
Who can blame them.
The first four weeks I saw growth in them.
In their mom.
I saw them starting to settle
Starting to bond
Starting to transition
But the longer we go,
We are starting to revert.
Revert emotionally
Revert behaviorally
Revert.
And it is painful to watch.

Transitions are good
But there is a point when you have to
Stop transitioning
And move forward
Move on
And we have reached this point.

Some may read this is feel confused.
How could I ever say this?
How could I want them to go?
Believe me, I have tortured myself with these questions.
It's like the question/statement:
"I could never foster because I could never let them leave."

I can't.
I don't want to.
But it is best for them.
But it is best for their mom.
When you see things
Changes
And not for the better
That are occurring
Because the transition is taking too long
Because the transition doesn't seem to have an end in sight
Because people make decisions about the transitions without looking at the whole picture
Because people make decisions about transitions without talking to the people in their daily lives
Because people make decisions without thinking about kids' emotional states
Because it is a broken system
You have to let go.
You have to go to bat for them.
You have to tell "people" what you observe
You have to tell "people" it is time.
For her sake.
For their sake.
For your heart.

Six weeks of weekend transitions
With more to come
Is too much.
At least in this case.
In this family.
For these Littles.

It's like being part of a rely race
The baton is meant to be passed on,
Not passed back and forth between runners.
The baton(s) moves forward with a runner forward 100 m
Then that runner takes it forward for another 100 m
And then instead of running forward another 100 m
It instead is brought back to the starting line
And you just keep rerunning that 100 m path over and over again
And always ending back in the start position
And you are always waiting for the gun to signal another start
And the road is starting to crumble
And the path is worn down
And the runners aren't running anymore - they are crawling
And the baton(s) are tired and confused and unsure which way they are supposed to be going
And it isn't a rely race
It is a rat's race.

The mission of this transition time has been met.
The Littles' Mom and I talk
A lot
And we share
A lot
And she is ready
And she is willing
And she is trying
And she is being honest
And she is being realistic
But it is so hard to get anything started
When you have 48 hours
And then a five-day separation
And then another 48 hours together
And it has been going on for six weeks.

The mission of the transition was bonding
Was starting of attachments
And those are happening
But again - 48 hours together and then five days separation
How is that not confusing for a 2 and a 3 year old?
They come
They go
They ask
They question
They cling
They whine
They cry
They worry.

Pray for us this week
As we pass the baton(s) back
Yet again
And my Littles and I do life together
Trying to find normalcy in the midst of the confusion
And pray as I step forward on their behalf
In a new
A bolder
A more vocal
Step forward in explaining
To "the people"
How this transition "plan" is going
How it is becoming "too much"
How it is going on "too long"
How it is affecting the Littles
How it is effecting the Littles
How it needs to have an end date/a move date
How it needs to be sooner than later.