Alone

Seven weeks.
The transition process
For the Littles to be moving home
Has been seven
Long
Hard
Emotional
Weeks.
And on the 8th weekend,
July 4th,
They will move home
And leave me.
And I am happy for them.
And I am sad for me.
And I am heartbroken.
And I am hopeful.
And I am lonely.
And they haven't even left yet.

And during these seven weeks of weekend visits
Six of those including overnights
But
God knew
I needed to still have a full house
I needed to still take care of kids
I couldn't handle a quiet house
And I didn't have to.
Every single weekend since the overnight visit
I have had little visitors sleeping over.
In fact,
I have only had six days
Nonconsecutive
Since school got out for the summer
That I haven't had an extra kid
Or two
Or three
Or even four
At my house
For respite
Official
And unofficial.

I didn't know what the summer would bring
So I purposefully
Took no summer classes
Did no extra summer school jobs
Like I usually do
And the Lord has used that
To fill my house
With lots of foster
And adopted kiddos
Whose parents needed help
For one reason or another
Sometimes just for a day
Sometimes for a weekend
Sometimes for a week.
And it has been fun
And interesting
And entertaining
And honestly
Eventually exhausting.

But God knew I would need it.
And God knows I thrive off of crazy
And God knows that
Sometimes
Too much time
In my head
Alone with my thoughts
Lack of busyness
Is not a good thing for me.
I deal better with lots going on
And it keeps me afloat
And keeps me "sane."

Then this past week
The exhaustion hit me
A lot of kids coming and going
A lot of extra responsibilities
A lot of emotions I was needing to deal with
And, like I usually do,
It means
I started to crave alone time
And,
I started to crave it in ways I haven't for many months
And,
Only as God can,
He had prepared the way for me for that alone time as well
Before I even knew I would need it.
I had my two littles this past week
And two extra littles this past week
But God provided daycare for all of them
All week
And I got some alone-time
Some catch-up time
Some downtime
And it was good.

And it lead up to tonight.
Tonight.
My first night alone in this house
With no Littles
With no extra kiddos
With no little bodies in the house with me.
And I am ready for this alone night now.
I wasn't seven weekends ago.

But tonight
I am alone
And I am strong
Because God is by my side
And He is paving the way
And has been all along
And it is all in His hands
And I am at peace with that.

And tomorrow
The Littles come home for four last days
And Tuesday another little girl comes to join me for eight
And God is giving me a little one to love
Over Independence weekend
-My first in Arizona since I moved here 11 years ago-
And He is already opening doors to new little girls
To possibly come and live with me as of this weekend
Or next Monday.

You got this, God.


Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,
For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Joshua 1:9