My Littles

Photo Credit- Brittany Janelle Photography

These two,
My Little Man,
My A-girl,
Have been the reason I have gotten up the past several weeks
Have been the reason I have smiled
Laughed
Giggled

Fake burped
Fake farted
Tickled
And chased.
The reason I kept moving forward.

In the midst of all this hard
These two have been my reason for carrying on
And not crawling into a corner of my bed
In the fetal position
And just give in.
Dramatic,
I know,
But reality in my brain the past several weeks.
Okay, months.

Miz N came first
In June
And I was immediately asked to consider taking these two littles in as well
My first reaction was
No way.
My second reaction was
No way.
But
They needed a home.
They needed to be together.

And I said yes.
And it happened.
And then July and August
I learned by trial and error.
I questioned what I was doing.
I wondered -
What the heck the Lord
Was thinking asking me
To take on two toddlers under 3!

Then
Just as I was starting to get into a flow with
Little Man
And A-girl
Miz N's issues started to come to light
To grow
To compound
To spiral
And suddenly I saw the Lord's plan for me having them.

They were my distraction.
They were my sunshine after the storms.
They were my comic relief in the mist of the explosions.
They were my surprise kisses and unexpected hugs.
They were the natural break to the tension that was boiling.
They were themselves and God knew I would need them.

Their little laundry kept me busy after bedtime
So I didn't eat too many peanut m&m's as therapy.
Their mid-night cries woke me up
So I didn't have to wallow in the fitful sleep.
Their burps and farts kept me laughing
So I didn't have to stay in a funk for long.
Their need for diapers, and drinks, and food kept me busy
So I had to carry on, and care, and be useful when I felt useless.

When I started this foster care journey
I strongly believed the Lord asked me to keep siblings together
(And I still do in many/most cases)
But
Through this journey
Of helping children who have experienced various levels of trauma
I have found that sometimes it is not best to keep siblings together.
Sometimes the trauma that has taken place
Has actually warped the sibling relationships in ways that it causes
Triggers
Jealousy
Anger
And sometimes it seems actually unhealthy for them to be together
And they need time apart to heal
To mend
To develop
To get help.
Not forever time,
But healing time.
And I pray this time apart will help.

When I made the decision
To ask to have Miz N moved to another home
I was so worried
Even though I knew it probably wouldn't be so
That those in charge would say that the Littles would have to go as well
But the entire team
The bio-parents
The caseworker
All agreed time apart for the Miz N and the Littles was best
For their growth
For their emotional health
And that having the Littles stay with me was a given.
Joy.
Peace.
Blessed.

My Littles.
My Little Man
  silly
  funny
  loud
  quirky
  loving
My A-girl
  smart
  sassy
  joking
  cuddly
  inquisitive
My Joys.
  despite the poppy diapers.
  despite the screaming tantrums.
  they are 3 1/2 and almost 2, heaven help me
  despite the arguing
  despite the living room always looking like this.

Today we just laid around the house.
We stayed in pjs all day.
They climbed all over me to watch me crush candy.
They fought over who should give me kisses first, and last.
They figured out that my cheeks could be squished into fish lips
They decided that my knee was broken and then needed to fix it with a band-aid
They checked my heartbeat a thousand times over.
They gave me their unconditional love without question.
And I looked at them with tears in my eyes
And thanked God for knowing better than me
As to just how much I would need them,
Maybe even more than they need me.