209 Bedtimes

Friday, July 12, 2013 to Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Equals
209 nights
6 months and 25 nights
29 weeks
That I have put my Littles down to sleep.
I have bathed them.
I have put on their pajamas.
I have prayed with them.
I have read them a bedtime Bible story.
I have snuggled with them.
I have tucked them in bed.

Tonight I almost did not get to do 209.
It wasn't anything drastic,
But for me,
It was poignant,
Because it was to be the first night
In 6 months and 24 days,
29 weeks,
208 days
That I wouldn't have been the one to tuck them in to bed.
And it hit me hard.

You see,
There was a required evening event at school
And the babysitter was to put them down
And she did
(As outlined in my note I left her.)
And I knew she was capable
(Heck, she's a mom (and foster mom) of 6!)
But all day I missed them.
But all evening I wished I could be the one there.
And
It was tugging on my heart strings that I wasn't.

So
I skipped the "team meeting" following the event
And I sped home
And
All the while I was "hoping"
They weren't asleep.

And
I admit
I was secretly touched that Little Man wouldn't lie down for her
And was still up and a little fussy
And that A-girl was sort-of moaning in her bed
And restless.
And
That's when it first hit me that no one else has put my Littles to bed
Since July 12, 2013
Except me.

And
I admit
That I held Little Man
For a long time
And
I admit
That I took A-girl out of bed
And the three of us played in A-girl's room
(Okay, closet.)
And we talked.
And we sang.
And we tickled.
And we re-prayed.
And we re-read.
And we snuggled.

And I cried
Multiple times
As I began to mourn the night
When it isn't an option for me
To tuck them in any more
Because they won't be with me
Because I won't be their foster momma anymore
And my heart broke prematurely
And my eyes filled with tears
And I ached for them as they were in my arms
And I was a blubbering mess.

And then I had to stop.
And I had to breathe.
And I had to buck it up
And remember that I believe in a God who promises
PROMISES
To love for my A-girl and my Little Man
To care for my A-girl and my Little Man
To protect my A-girl and my Little Man
To provide for my A-girl and my Little Man
More than I ever can
More than I ever will

And I have to trust in that truth
TRUTH
And I have to believe
BELIEVE
That He keeps His promises
PROMISES
And I have to enjoy the moments
The nights
The 209+ bedtimes I do get to tuck in my Littles
And thank God for that time
   Whether it is only 210 nights
   Or another 209 nights
To enjoy the privileged as it is provided
And not focus on the pain that will come
But focus on the joy of the moment.