Excuse Me While I Ponder

I tried to go to bed without blogging
But my brain wouldn't
Won't
Shut off.
I need to unload.
Or maybe it's download.

Today was one of those days
One of those days where I felt like I couldn't do
Say
Anything right

One of those days where every step I took felt like two steps back

With my boss
(The learning curve is huge in this new job)
With my co-workers
(I'm sick of asking questions that have simple, easy answers)
With my self-talk
(My worst enemy - my thorn)
With my colleagues
(I can't seem to help them like I want to)
With the CPS caseworker
(GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!)
With the girls' mom
(First time a conversation felt uncomfortable)

I felt discombobulated.
Not sure why.
I felt disliked.
And I know why in some cases
And in others, it's been going on for weeks
And I still don't know why.

This will sound weird
Vain
Dumb
But I'm used to people liking me
I generally get along well with just about anybody
Not in a cheerleader/popular kind of way
Just in a me-being-me-kind of way.
Well - that and I am a natural born people-pleaser.

In addition...
I'm used to liking people.
Finding their strengths
Looking for their good.
But today
And recently it seems
Not so much.
I just want to bop them a good one
And move on.
Move away.

In the cases where I know why I'm not liked
I want to say that I'm "good with it"
Because I feel like I am in the right
And I am fighting for what is right
And I am standing up for my girls
But
Honestly
It makes me nauseous.
It puts me on edge.
It makes me feel off-kilt.
Okay...it makes me feel guilty.

In the cases where I still don't know why
It annoys
Frustrates
Baffles
Concerns
Me.
And I don't know what to do.

Today felt like the opposite of who I am
What I am
How I am.
Saying the wrong thing.
Choosing the wrong words.
Making a misstep.
Not showing grace.
Swearing up a storm in my head.
(Not as therapeutic for me as when I say it out loud, but I'm a "mommy" know and have really improved my tendency to swear like a sailor.)
Driving in the car and can't stop mulling over
Trying to go to sleep and not letting go of it
And the other thing
And that big thing.

.....
.........
.............

And, it's official.
I have nothing else to share on that topic
And am currently so tired I feel ill.
Good night.

Praise Reports:
My monthly meeting with my on-going placement worker through my licensing agency was today and I needed to talk/vent/mull things over with her so badly.  So thankful the Lord let this be today.  And then I also realized that it was my foster care monthly support group tonight at church and we went and I laughed and I cried and I learned and I shared.  Thank you, God, for this people, these resources, these prayer warriors in my life.

Prayer Requests:
Please pray that I grow thicker skin to let things roll off my back more, yet also keep a measure of grace toward others when I am dealing with people who don't do what they say, when they say, how they say, and then blame me in the end.  I let it get all up in my head and heck - that's just not a pretty place most of the time.