Heart Hurt

19 nights with empty twin beds.
I don't like it.
It makes my heart hurt.

Granted,
The time has been good in some ways,
But...
Ready.
Just ready.

It's not that I haven't been seeking the Lord's will
On who should next fill the beds
And my heart and time

Actually,
Before the girls even officially left
I was waiting for almost three weeks about
A set of four siblings.
3 boys and a girl,
Who were foster to adopt
And even though my heart was invested,
God said no.
I have peace about it.
If they don't belong with me, then I know He has someone else.

So then, last Friday,
After the affirmative no
It was back to square one.

Then yesterday came information
On three different sets of sisters
Inquiries written,
Phone calls made,
Now what God?

And then today,
The calls started.
On one of the three sets.
The planning started.
Fast, fast, fast
2 girls
Sisters
Ages 3 1/2 and almost 5
Been in one foster home for 2 years
Now needing a new placement
Would I be interested?

A little younger than I had excepted
With some behavioral issues I am not sure I am prepared for
But,
I've been praying for God to open a door.

Step One:
Tell me their names.
One of the girls' names is just one letter different
Than the one I had always planned to name the little girl
I would some day adopt.
Okay, God.

Step Two:
I was supposed to go ocean side this weekend
Too late to cancel
Called the hotel,
Explained the situation
They accepted the cancellation
Without penalty.
Okay, God.

Step Three:
Can I handle these behavior needs?
Well,
Come to the licensing office
Today
This afternoon
There is a training on focusing on
The specific behavioral needs the girls are facing.
We will help you.
We think you'd be a good fit for these girls.
Yes, I can come.
Okay, God.

Step Four:
Yes.
I'll say yes.
I will meet them Thursday,
I will bring them home Friday.
Yes.
With God's help,
Yes.

Current foster mom agrees.
Licensing agency agrees.
Both licensing worker's agree.
Call CPS,
Make it happen.

Wait
Wait
Wait.
Stop.
Silence.
No response.

CPS supervisor mad
Thinks licensing worker backdoored the placement
CPS supervisor said CPS case manager would call around noon
No call.
No answers.
No idea what is going on.

Two little girls
Need a new place to stay.
To live.
To be loved.
I say yes.
I'm scared,
But excited.
I feel God opening doors.
Then CPS is silence.
The CPS playing the controlling card.

And I hate it.
It hurts my heart.

It's like being in a tug of war
With my heart
With my head
With my faith
With my trust

I like control.
I like answers.
I like plans.
I like maps.
I like dreaming about the future.

Hard to have control when it's not in my hands.
Hard to have answers when the people who have the answers don't give any.
Hard to have plans when other people change them.
Hard to have maps when the way is dark.
Hard to dream about the future when you don't know who might be in it.

I know God is in control.
If this is His will,
He will take control of it,
He will give the answers needed.
He will make the plans, and follow through.
He will set out the map to follow.
He will show me His plans for my future.
The best plans there are
Are His.