MIA

I've been MIA
For too long
I've had a blogs roll around in my head
Over and over
But
I never put them down into words.

Why?

Too tired
Too hard
Too many unknowns
Too many same old same old issues
Too many frustrations
Too many questions
Too much.

On the good side,
I now live next door to another foster family
And I get some person-to-person processing
(Which God knew I needed, desparately.)
And it has been my saving grace these past few months.
The girls are doing great
And finally have started some therapy.
The girls' mom is doing great
And working full-time.
We are almost done with the school year.
The girls have been enjoying overnight visits with their mom and brother.
Reunification is probably in T-5 days, or less.

On the bad side,
We've had the flu, strep
And then the flu and strep again.
Not cool.
Then we've had meltdowns with lying, disrespect, etc.
As we've moved through big changes in their case and timeline for returning home.
We've had even less communication from CPS in all these changes
Then we have had since the girls came to live with me.
The girls will be leaving in T-5 days, or less.

Yes,
The girls will be heading home to live with their mom
In just a matter of days.
It's good.
It's hard.
It's happy.
It's sad.
It's exciting.
It's frustrating.
It's too much to process.

Seriously.
Way too much to process.
I mean...
How do you say goodbye to two girls
Who have been your 24-7 life since July 31?
How do you prepare yourself for two girls
Leaving who have been in your daily life for 9 months?

At the same time...
How do you not be excited for two girls
To be reunited with their mom and their brother
Whom they love
And are loved by
And be excited for a family being reunited?

Friends, family, co-workers
Are kind
Are thoughtful
Are concerned.
But I don't have answers for their questions.

How can you let them go?
    I can't. But I have peace in His plan, His protection, His will.
How is their mom going to do with them all back home?
    I don't know. But I have to trust in His guidance, His protection.
How are the girls feeling about it?
    Excited, nervous, excited, sad, excited, happy, excited
How am you dealing with it?
    I don't know. This isn't normal. I have no frame of reference.
How long will you wait until talking more kids into my home?
    I don't want to wait. Kids need homes. I have beds.
I could never do what you are doing?
    I am just doing what God called me to do and He is equipping me to move forward.
    Doing what God asks isn't easy...but He gives me peace in the gray times.

I'm an emotional roller coaster
And have been sick with a cough and no voice for four days because of it.
(I tend to get stress-sick...not cool.)
The CPS caseworker has been worse with communication that ever
Which adds a whole level of stress to this situation that is unexplainable
And unexcuseable.

The best thing about this reunification
Is that I know the girls will be in my life
And their mom
For years to come.
We are friends.
We have been co-parents.
We have been supports to each other.

I know friends who have had to return kids to homes
Homes where they were scared for the kids safety.
Homes where they knew they would never see or have contact with the kids again.

Please keep us all in your prayers over the next week and beyond.
We are all just waiting for the judge to sign the paperwork
Which will send the girls home.
We are also finishing the last three days of school
And fighting off colds, strep, and coughs.
Stress is eating me in a variety of ways
And manifesting itself in random ways at random times with the girls
As would be expected.
And the lack of communication from CPS for the girls' mom
Is causing extra stress and
It is going to be a big adjustment for her with the three kids moving back.

For I know the plans I have for you,
Declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11