May 24, 2013 - Part 1

I didn't sleep well
And I haven't for a few days.
My stomach's been in knots
And this morning was no different.
I went to sleep wondering what emotions
Would come my way
And how I would react
How I would deal
What I would do
And I woke up with the same question.

My dear neighbor,
And foster mom extraordinaire
Watched the girls while I worked this morning,
Grabbed them their favorite Panda Express
And we ate lunch together
Then watched Disney channel
And waited for 2:00.
The time the case manager said she would be coming
To get the girls.

At 2:25
My cell phone rang
And it was the CPS driver
Here in the driveway to pick up the girls

With that
Miss M ran out the door
And got in the car
Of the total stranger
And Ms. O and I
Put their last clothes tubs in the van.

Then I had to ask Miss M
To come out and at least give me a hug goodbye.
Then Ms. O said goodbye with her hugs.
And they were gone.

It was the most
Anti-climatic event
Of my entire life.

And the emotion,
The main emotion,
That I immediately felt
And has been creeping over me back and forth all evening is
Anger.
Yes.
I was mad.
I sure didn't see that emotion coming today.

Mad that the casework didn't come and pick them up herself,
Mad that the casework didn't even say "thank you"
Mad that Miss M didn't even care to say goodbye
Mad that Miss M called me Mommy within an hour of meeting me and no emotion when leaving
Mad that this was done
Mad that I was glad this was done
Mad that I that was mad
Mad that the reunification hadn't happened earlier
Mad that CPS had been such a pain in the butt
Mad that I wasn't feeling any other emotions
Mad that I was attached as I was
Mad that I started detaching as I was
Mad that I can't just cry and get it over with.

Seriously.
Mad?
This was not one of the emotions I expected today.
Never in a million years.

Really
I just wish I would cry
And process in a different way
Other than this weird emotion of being mad.
It's not an emotion I typically struggle with
And today it's hit me out of the blue.

I assume they got to their mom's without issue
I have thought about texting
Thought about calling
But
My role
My job
It has changed
It is done in most ways.

And now
I'll just have to wait
Wait for the emotional
Teary
Breakdown
That is bound to come at some very inopportune time
(Like it always does with me when I finally build up to a cry)