Dealing

Spent the weekend
Alone
And sick.
But that's probably the way I'd order it.
(Well...minus the sick part.)

I just need time.
Time to process.
Attempting to think through things in some ways
And
Shutting that down in other ways.
A method of dealing.
Healthy or not.

But when I process,
I have to go quiet.
Go internal.

Processing 1 -
This house is huge
And empty
And really quiet.
A year ago I reveled in that.
Now, after 5 nights alone,
The TV isn't as good as company as it once felt.
The dinner table is lonely and has changed to
In front of the TV again.
God meant for this house to be full.
For the beds to be filled.
For children's voices and laughter to ring out.
And for me to care for them.
It makes my heart happy.
(Even when it is tired, overwhelmed, etc.)

Processing 2 -
The girls are good.
Their brother is good.
Their mom is good.
I guess.
I have been advised
And agree
To wait for her to contact me
And not the other way around.
Be there as an emotional support as she needs
But let her be the caretaker
And try to wait at least four weeks before seeing the girls.
That will be right around Ms. O's 11th birthday.
Seems like an eternity when every day was about them.

Processing 3 -
Grantful for random texts
Facebooks messages
Emails
And even phone calls
(Even though I'm not so good with phone talking.)
Slowly coming out of that
Internal, solitary state of mind
And then eventually
I'll be seeking fellowship
Seeking happy hours
Seeking movie friends.

Processing 4 -
The Lord is using this time in my life
To teach me something.
Not sure what exactly.
Partly because I'm unsure how to listen
How to wait
How to deal.
It's a quiet time.
But I know He is there.
He is in control.

Processing 5 -
Still waiting for the big cry.
Ready for it.
Wish I could force it and get it over with.

Processing 6 -
Next Monday night I am sitting
On a discussion panel
On my church's
Foster care/adoption initiative,
Esther's Hope.
Not sure what I'll be asked.
Not sure what I'll say.
Not sure how the Lord will use
My story.
Our experiences together.
But I can't wait to tell others about
This crazy road,
That I love and hate
That I enjoy and despise
That I am called to be a part of,
Foster care
And loving and providing for vulerable children.