My Friday Melt-Down

All week it was "that week."
That week that wouldn't seem to end.
That week that just seemed to bring one thing
After another.
That week where I couldn't say anything right
Couldn't do anything right.
Couldn't see through the gray clouds.

Then Friday came.
And the week went from
Blah to Meltdown.

(I cried.
A lot.
Granted...it has been about two months -
So I was due.
I just wasn't expecting it.
And it embarrassed me when it came,
Where it came.
Who it came in front of.
Again -
Dammit.)

Then,
It hit me.
Big time.
For the first time
In a MAJOR way
Since July.
(Not that it hasn't crossed my mind mid-argument, mid-temper-tantrum, mid-1000th reminder to do something that they know to do....)
I didn't want to pick up the girls.

I wanted to be single.
I wanted to be free.
I wanted to be kid-free.
I didn't want to be foster mama.
I didn't want to ask about someone else's day.
I didn't want to deal with fights, whining, teasing.
I didn't want to care for anyone else.
I didn't want to.

Now -
There are many problems with all those statements.
1.) I can't because no one else will.
2.) I can't because I know it's just a "feeling" and not the truth.
3.) I can't because I feel too guilty.
4.) I can't because I signed up for this.
5.) I can't because I'm called for this.

But
Truth was
Friday night
I didn't want to.

But
After a few text messages
And finding 
No friends to sit with me while I
Drank frozen margaritas
Vented
And possibly cried
I sucked it up.
I was a big girl.
I went and picked up my girls.

But....
On the way
I sent this text
(Or something like this...)
To my dear prayer warrior, foster-mama friend:
"Please pray for me.
I don't want to be a foster-mama tonight.
I want to drink margaritas
Then go see a movie where I can cry
And then go to sleep for hours and
Not think, dream, or wake up to check beds."

It's funny how
(I mean, it's a God-thing how)
Once I admit that to someone
Once I ask someone for prayer
That I feel freedom in the acknowledgement
And I go forward.

I love that I serve a God who answers my prayers when I am
Too tired
Too spent
Too confused
Too embarrassed
Too ashamed
To pray them anywhere besides in my thoughts.

I picked up the girls.
Ms. O says "So how was your day, Maryann?"
I go with the truth.
I go with being blunt.
"Um - kind of terrible and honestly, I'm not in the best mood."

We get in the car.
We head home.
I give them the options
A) Pizza and a movie at home
B) Red Lobster

They picked Red Lobster.
I was good with that choice.

The line was forever long.
But we decided to stay.
So we sat in the car
And listened to
A children's radio drama
And the Lord spoke to me through the episodes
On the beatitudes.
(I love how the Lord speaks to me through random avenues.)

Then we go to eat.
I spend my dinner getting over myself
And doing my job
My calling.
My heart's work.
And telling Miss M that "no, she cannot eat my shrimp dinner even if she did inhale her fish dinner in less than five minutes.
And helping Ms. O crack the crab legs that she "loved" and just "had to have" and then decided she didn't love like she remembered...but I made her eat anyway since I paid for them.

And then we go home.
We do our bed time routines.
They have roses.
They are happy.
They are good.
And I am mending.
And I am breathing.
And I am dealing.

Saturday was a new day.
Full of new mercies.
Full of new attitude.
Full of new resolve.
I screw up the day long,
But
What else is new.

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - The Melody House
The Melody house is moving right along.  The bank appraisal was on Saturday and it's just a waiting game now for the bank to do their processes.  Please pray that we can get the keys around the 1st of the month!

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - My Work
The learning curve for my new job is huge and while I love so much of it, I am also struggling with letting things go and it is starting to disturb my sleep at night as I think and rethink my choices, my decisions, my errors, my words, my conversations.  It's really not like me at all - as I am usually confident about my skills at work - and I beg for prayers for wisdom and peace.

Praise Reports/Prayer Requests - The Girls
The girls haven't gotten to see their brother since the beginning of the month and it is wearing on them.  Please pray that the caseworker would return my communication attempts and provide me with some updates about their therapy and visits.  They are in need of both in big ways.