That I've always been a very
Self-conscious person.
Self-conscious of what people might be thinking about me.
Self-conscious of people around me and if I am infringing on their space, their needs, their time.
Self-conscious of people's actions and emotions.
Self-conscious of how people might be feeling about me.
It's not a good trait
It's not something I'm proud of
It's not something I like to admit.
But it is a people-pleaser trait.
It is a perfectionist trait.
It's probably a first-born trait in some ways.
It's a daily struggle for me.
And it is something the Lord is continually teaching me is not okay.
So, picture this.
The girls' mom's birthday was yesterday.
We met her at a light-rail station stop
And then went to Panda Express
(Because she was hungry for orange chicken).
Since we are having a winter freeze here in Arizona,
I knew we just would need to stay put there
And the girls and their mom would have to spend time together there.
And thus starts my self-consciousness.
We order our food.
There is laughter.
There is tickling.
There is general silliness.
And that's just as we are in line.
We sit.
We somehow take up three tables.
Some late Christmas presents are passed out.
There is running to the bathroom to fix new hats.
There is tissue paper everywhere.
There is loud talking and exclaiming.
Dinner is eventually eaten.
The three of them on one side,
Me on the other.
The girls finish.
The ooh and ahh over the new items some more.
At some point,
The girls commandeered an entire section of the floor
As they performed a "hip-hop" dance without music
(I have no idea when they learned this thing.)
And then proceeded to each perform their own shows for their mom.
One does the robot dance for a good 2-4 minutes.
The other sets up an elaborate imaginary stage and plays multiple characters.
One sits and claps and cheers and laughs loudly.
One sits, trying not to make eye contact with people coming in and out of the doors, and praying no one comes in that she knows.
You see...
We are in public.
In my mind,
There is a way you act
There is a voice level you talk at
There is a rule of acceptability
In any public place.
Even Panda Express.
I mean
After all
It is public.
It is full of people who I don't know
Who might be judging me, or her, or the girls.
Who might be trying to figure out the dynamics.
Who might be annoyed.
You see,
When the three of them get together
It's different.
It's loud.
Really loud.
Blurting out with make-you-jump-laughs.
It is tickle-attacks in public.
It is one girl talking in a baby voice, whining, and sticking out her bottom lip,
(A lot! And I DO NOT LIKE THAT!)
It is one girl being very sassy, very sarcastic, very silly, and talking as fast as she can.
(Seriously - it's like that friend on that old show Blossom.)
It is one who is loud,
Who is over-the-top affectionate,
Who is encouraging of things that embarrass this self-conscious person.
It is one who is trying to figure out whether to sit passively and watch or to step in and put a hold to certain things or to just let them be who they are together...even in this public place...all the while thinking the manager is going to come out and tell us to leave.
Yet,
At the same time,
There is one who is sitting back
Who is observing
Who is seeing love
Who is seeing laughter
Who is seeing happiness
Who is knowing there will be tears when we separate
Who is willing to sit there and let them be who they are together.
Now,
Yes,
That person is technically me.
But it's not.
Do you know what I mean?
I mean,
I am seriously sitting there acting the "this-is-so-great-part"
"I'm-so-glad-we-could-get-together-today"
While at the same time I am thinking
"I'm so embarrassed."
"Get me out of here."
"Should I stop this?"
"Should I give the dirty-stink eye that enough is enough."
(And yes, I do - several times.)
In one breath I am in the midst of the turmoil of self-consciousness
And in the next in the peace of God's presence in this all.
It's the power of God's grace.
God's mercy.
God's provisions.
God's plans.
It's not my efforts.
It's not my natural feelings.
Or my natural tendencies to be able to find peace in this public chaos.
(I like ducks in a row and people behaving like good, normal citizens.)
It's Him.
All Him.
And how do I know?
Well...then we went over to Baskin Robbins
(Yes, the land of 31 flavors!)
For "birthday ice cream"
And thus the "public show" starts all over again
For a new audience.
And I'm the one who drove them there.
Only God.
Only God.
(I hope God enjoyed that show last night as much as the customers and workers at both Panda Express and Baskin Robbins. I'm sure those video cameras at both places would be a riot to watch!)
Praise Report -
The Melody House is moving right along. The inspection came back with flying colors. There are no termite issues! God keeps opening the doors and pushing us ahead.
Prayer Requests -
1. Please pray that therapy sessions for both girls get re-assigned (it's been another month wait since the re-assignment was supposed to happen) and that a case aide is assigned to the family so that weekly visits can be reinstated.
2. Please pray that the bank appraisal happens quickly and comes back at or above the agreed purchase price so we can continue to move forward and be moving into our new place by the first of February!
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