A Little Ego and A Lot of Joy

Earlier this fall
Before Ms. O was officially living with us
Someone at my church contacted me
And asked me if I'd be willing to be video taped about
Being called into foster care
And how the Lord was working in my life.

The girls came with me
We sat in the ladies lounge area in the restroom
And I just talked
And I guess they just taped.

I don't remember what they asked me.
I just remember talking
And explaining
And it was done.
Then
About six weeks later
This video
(Click on the link here - Esther's Hope video)
Was played during the weekend services.

And then tonight
I found it on the church website
On the Esther's Hope page
And I decided to just share it.
Because--

I admit
I love watching myself on the video.
And I've watched it a few times this evening now.
And it's made my cry.

Why, you ask?
(No, I'm truly not that egotistical.
At least I hope I'm not!)

Because I get to
See myself happy.
See myself content.
See myself filled with joy.

It's odd.
I know what it feels like inside of me.
But it's hard to describe.
It's hard to put into words.
Then I see myself in the video clip
And I can see it on the outside.

(Granted - it's not all 

Sunshine

Roses

And 

Unicorns 

Around Here.

Remember what I did to the girls' roses,

Lest you start to think more of me than I deserve.)

But I am happy.
I am content.
I am joy-filled.
Why?
Because I am being obedient.
I could go into details of my life
Long periods of my life
When I knew the Lord wanted me
To Move
To Change
To Act
To Go
To Stay
To Do
To Be
And I didn't.
I was too scared.
I was too scared of what others might think
Might say.
Might wonder.
I was too scared of the unknown.
Of the questions.
Of the change.

What did that bring?
Bitterness
Depression
Discontentment
And a potty mouth like a sailor.
(Well...I'm still working on that one.)

Now
Again -
Don't get the wrong impression - 
I am not joy-filled because this road is easy.
This road has been hard.
This road has been challenging.
But walking down this road of fostering
Has been the biggest blessing of my life.

You see.
God called me.
He gave me strength to step up and say yes.
And He has shown up
EVERY
SINGLE
STEP
OF
THE
WAY.

When I see my face on that video
It reminds me of how I feel
How I've felt
When I've traveled internationally
And been part of mission work
In India
In Bulgaria
In Jamaica

It's that indescribable experience of
Going to others
Serving others
Praying for others
Teaching others
That
Without understanding
Without comprehension
Swings right back around at you
A thousand times moreover
As they serve you
They teach you
They bless you
They pray for you
(Despite the mosquitoes, ants, heat, sweat, lack of toilets, lack of communication, strange food, lack of sleep, jet lag, odd smells, etc., etc., etc.)

That's how I feel about fostering.
Except
It's here.
It's in my home.
It's day in and day out.
And I truly have never been more at peace
In my life.

I pray for them.
I care for them.
I love them.
I serve them.
And guess what.
They give it right back to me
A thousand times over
In a thousand different ways
And without knowing it.
(Despite the temper tantrums, endless laundry, smelly feet, whining voices, homework battles, dust bunnies, stacks of dirty dishes,

Today was the first court date I knew about and attended.
I went to support the girls' mom.
I sitting in a court room
At a review
For the first time in my life
(Not getting selected for countless jury duties doesn't count in my book.)

There were lots of people.
There was lots of formality.
There were family members calling in by phone.
There were lots of lawyers.
There were lots of people who knew this family by name, but nothing else.

And I was there for someone who was a stranger to me until 5 months ago.
And I was there because I love her daughters as if they were my own.
And I was there because I believe they belong together.
And I was there.
Why?
Because God put me there.
There is no other answer.

I don't know why.
I don't know for how long.
I don't know.

God is working in my life.
God is working in the lives of many of my new friends.
God is working in the people at my church.
God is working in the lives of families here in Arizona.

Is God calling you to step up?
Is God calling you to step forward?
Is God calling you to reach out the children in one way or another?
If so, there is a great informational meeting coming up. Click here to find out more.

Wow - 

Okay.

This entry has grown exponentially since I originally sat down

But it was like a little mini, self-therapy session.

Good night, all.