So...this is an emotional roller coaster

A Little Bit of Background -
In reality I've thought about starting this blog as a reflective, processing activity for myself for several months as I have gone through the process of becoming a licensed foster care parent in the state of Arizona, but I just never got around to committing to it.  However, after being licensed for just 48 hours, I have decided I need to create this blog as a place to process and share what I am experiencing and how the Lord is teaching me to truly "let go and let God."

At 4:13 pm on Monday, July 23rd, I received my email from OLCR (Office of Licensing, Certification, and Regulation) which is part of the DES (Arizona Department of Economic Security).  My license is good for a year and states that I am available to take up to two female children ages 5-15.  On Tuesday morning I got my first placement request call from my agency (which walked me through the training and paperwork to become licensed) asking me if I was willing to open my home to an emergency placement (which means immediate) for two sisters, ages 3 and 5.  I didn't expect how hard it would be to say no even if I had confidence and peace in saying it.  My main reason was that I had just started the first day of my new job in my school district and was going to be in meetings all day Wednesday and Thursday and couldn't find child care within the allotted time.

And now for the Today's Emotional Roller Coaster Ride....

And it starts of slow and expected...
8:00 AM - I arrived at my district training that I would be in until 11:00 AM.  I shared the good news that I was officially a licensed foster care parent and could get a call at any time for my first placement of a child/children.  My cell phone was on vibrate next to me.

3-2-1 and the blast of speed and whiplash...
10:15 AM - I received a phone call from my agency asking me if I was willing to take a placement of girl sibling set, ages 4 and 6.  I explained that I was a meeting all day tomorrow that I couldn't get out of and wouldn't be available until Friday for any placements.  My agency was happy to tell me that the two girls were currently placed in their 75 year old grandparents, but their grandparents talked with their CPS (Child Protective Services) worker and told them that while they two kids were great, they were just too much for them as they are aging.  My agency was confident that they could talk to CPS and CPS would probably be fine with the placement happening on Friday.  They were going to call CPS and submit my name for the placement and told me to possibly expect a phone call from CPS if I was chosen by them.

10:19 AM - I called my sisters and mom and asked them to be in prayer.

10:26AM - I realized that I missed a phone call (10:23) so I listen to my voice mail and see that I missed a call from CPS.

10:28 AM - I returned the CPS phone call and found out that I was accepted as the placement for these two girls and that their CPS caseworker would call me with details.  He told me that they would like me to meet the kids at their grandparents tonight and possibly again tomorrow before transitioning them on Friday.

Look out!  Here comes the BIG hill and loopy-loo
10:36 AM - I received a phone call from my agency letting me know that there was a communication/paperwork error and that the sibling set was one girl (4) and one boy (6).  I reminded them that I only have one bedroom for my foster children, which is why I have to take same sex sibling groups (kids over 6 cannot share bedrooms with the opposite sex).  They asked if I was still willing if CPS would approve the kids sleeping in the same bedroom (since I have two twin beds) because there have been circumstances when they have done this.  I said yes again.

10:47 AM - My agency called again to tell me that CPS approved me having the two kids in the same bedroom in different twin beds.  Then I received their names and ages and birth dates.  I found out the four year old girl had just turned four within the past week.  I was told that CPS would be calling me back once they talked with the grandparents and then we would set up the time for me to come and visit tonight.

10:52 AM - I called my sisters and mom again (they were on the road coming back from a mini-vacation), told them the error in the paperwork, and asked them to continue to pray.

And...breathe...the down hill/coasting part of the ride has arrived...
11:00 AM - My first training finished up and I headed to lunch with my new co-administrators and tried to focus and wait on the phone calls to come.  My minds flies around with to-do lists, to-buy lists, how-to-handle x-y-z, all the while trying to remind myself it is never finalized until the kids are at your door with the Notice to Provider (basic entry paperwork) in the CPS worker's hand.

12:30 PM - My second training began and I was trying to focus on the new learning while at the same time waiting on God's perfect timing and will.

Now for the tunnel of darkness...
1:33 PM - My agency called to update me about what was going on.  I was told that while my agency was still okay with the mixed gender sleeping arrangements and CPS has agreed as well, CPS had to submit official paperwork to OLCR for this exception.  I was told that could happen today or tomorrow seeing that the children were in a safe place and they weren't going to place the children with me until Friday.

Suddenly the ride comes to a screeching halt...
3:01 PM - I received I had a voice mail message from my agency again (2:57) and I left my training to find out what was up now.  My agency placement worker left me a voice mail message to say that my agency, as a staff, decided to remove my name from the placement.  OLCR was starting to question CPS about the mixed gender bedroom situation and my agency decided to remove my name now, before I met the kids and got in deeper, because they know that if OLCR was giving issues about it now that IF they did approve it and then it would be an uphill battle for me from the moment the kids were placed with me.

3:02 PM - I called my sister, told her my name was removed, and to pass on the message to my other sister and mom.

3:03 PM - Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out.

Dealing with the after-ride queasiness...
They try to warn you in training that the process is unpredictable and varies - but my emotions weren't quite ready for all of this. These are my lessons and take-aways:  negatives/positives/and in betweens - in no particular order.

• The emotional roller coaster brought out the worse in this emotional eater.
• Got to love raw cookie dough on days like this.
• I just needed to be alone with my thoughts.
• Started this blog out of desperation to put those thoughts out there and hopefully less rumbling around in my head.
• I am at peace and know that this was all of the Lord's will and that He was directing my agency with wisdom.
• I now know the names of two small children and an aging set of grandparents that need my prayers...and a future foster family and possibly adoption family.
• I called my mom and she listened.
• I learned that just today, in Maricopa County alone, that there were 18 placement requests sent out to the county agencies.  Yes, you read that right.  18!!!!  
• Think about how many kids, families, siblings, people that means.
• Think of the prayer that is needed for them all.
• I am looking forward to tomorrow and a possible 3rd call for a placement.
• Third times the charm?
• The Lord put a song in my head the entire afternoon/evening - well, a line and tune anyway - but I can't figure out what song it is or who sings it
• I just keep resonating "I'm letting it go....I'm letting it go....I'm letting it go."