Forever in My Heart

I was supposed to foster school-aged kids.
That was the plan.
That was my plan.
But
Obviously, not God's.

The Littles
At the beginning
Were nearly my un-doing.
But now
Seriously
Every day
Multiple times a day
I think
How am I ever going to let them go?

Miz N and I are connected
We are working it out,
Day by day
Step by step
And I love her to pieces
But there is something about this toddler age
That has captured my heart
In a way that I could have never expected
Never anticpated
Never understand.

Little Man's
Wrap hugs around my legs
Hands covering mouth with fake giggles
Calls of Mama/May-ann
Squeals of laughter
Pucked lips for kisses
Duel thumbs up at every bite
Running into my arms at 3-2-1
Wide eyes and big nods of 'yes'

A-girl's
Blows of Christmas tree ornaments
Purposeful arguments to make me laugh
Pointy finger asking "one more time?"
Proud screams of "I poop, I pee" from the bathroom
Crazy hair mornings with arms wrapped around my neck
Begs for "snuggle me, snuggle me"
Bursts of giggles after farts and burps followed by "cuse me"

I look at them
And I think
These littles are going to break my heart
And tonight
The dam finally burst.

Little Man woke up screaming
About three hours after falling asleep
And I figured it must be pain from his perputeual teething
Because he wasn't even opening his eyes.
A dose of tynelol and oral-gel
And he was back in my arms just cuddling
Having those content sighs mixed in with the left over gasps of cries
And as his breathing slowed
I started crying
Okay
Bawling.
How am I going to live without these kiddos.
They are my heart.
They are my life.
It's been almost 6 months
And by far the hardest
Most challenging
Happiest
Joy-filled
Laughter-filled
Six months of my life
And
There is no upcoming timeline on its end
But my brain
And my heart
Is suddenly fixating on their potential departure
And my heart is breaking
Already
At just the thought.
Maybe it's because of the holidays?
Maybe it's because of another upcoming birthday?
Maybe it's just because I truly love them more than words can say?

But then
Just as I was starting to pull myself together
Little Man opened his eyes
And reached up his little hand
And wiped some tears away off my cheek
And then smiled.

And
I
Cried
Some
More.