The Heartbreak, The Healer

Nighttime was ROUGH tonight.

Little Man had an early nap
So we could go jump at Bounce U
And,
Well,
That experiment did not work.
And at dinner he had a complete meltdown.
So

I followed a friends advice
And said
Screw his bedtime routine
And put him down to bed
At 6:30.

Then,
As it usually happens around here,
When one goes,
One or more follows,
And Tigger,
Whew,
Tigger,
Lost it.
Big time.
When she takes an afternoon nap,
She tends to be up
And talking
In bed
Until 10:30 or 11:00.
So today,
I,
On purpose,
Skipped her nap.
MISTAKE!
She was in bed by 7:00.

7:30 pm,
Little Man is up.
Grouchy as all get out -
Crying to be held
Crying when held
Throwing himself all over the floor.
Begs for a drink.
Throws the drink.
Restless.
Obviously tired.
So restless.

8:30 pm,
Little Man is back in bed,
And Miz N
Finishes her art project,
And we do her bedroom routine.

She should be tried,
Right?
I mean she jumped at Bounce U
For two hours straight this pm.
She begs me to snuggle with her in bed,
And I put her off tonight,
As I am trying to get some school planning started,
But,
I remind her of our agreement
I will check on her every ten minutes
And flash her the ILY sign
(I love you in sign language).
She agrees.

9:03 pm,
She is in bed.

Within 5 minutes,
She was out of bed
With a sore knee.
Could I rub it?

15 more minutes
She is out with a stomach ache.
I send her back in,
Tuck her back in,
Could I scratch her back?
Yes,
But then she HAS TO go to sleep
And no more getting out of bed.
Period.

And
So,
After that,
I purposefully stay out for more than the agreed ten minutes,
Thinking it would give her time to settle in.

Mistake.

10 pm,
I hear her sobbing as I approach the girls' door.
Sobbing.
She's got herself in a negative, bad mess of head space.
Bad.
I can barely understand her,
She's got herself so worked up.
She
Just wants everything to go back to normal.
To go back with mommy.
But, then she won't be with me.
She
Just wants to be with mommy,
But is mad at mommy.
But isn't sure why.
She
Just wants the judge to hurry and make the call to go back to mommy,
But then will I visit her?
Will Grandma R. visit her?
She
Just wants to tell God she is sorry that she can't stop lying and stealing,
And is really worried about something she did when she was five.
She
Thanks me for "saving" her
But wishes I would be the judge
And tell her she has to go back to mommy.
She
Just wants to be hugged.
Just wants to be told she is special.
Just wants to be reassured.
Just wants to be loved.

20-25 minutes later,
After
Tight embracing,
A few bedside confessionals,
Lots of crying,
Gobs nose blowing,
From us both,
(Are you crying, too,
Maryann?
Why?
Because I love you
And it makes me sad to see you hurting.
Oh,

Okay.)
And the decision that she would focus on
Reliving the movie the Princess and the Swan in her head
And then Thumbalina if she needed another positive focus thought,
I tucked her in
Again
And kissed her
Again
And hugged her
Again
And told her I loved her
Again.
And I told her that God loved her
Again
And
Again
And
Again.

And
After 2 more ILY stop-ins
(I didn't wait the 10 minutes either time.
I couldn't.)
She was finally asleep.

God,
Let her sleep.
Let her find peace in that
Little
Sweet
Hurt
Heart of hers.

Note One:
Tonight was one of these blogs that I HAD to write in order to attempt to get to sleep.  It's conversations like these with these sweet, hurt children that break my heart, yet let me see a glimpse into the purpose of this little mission field within the walls of my home that I am called to partake in.

Note Two:
Can I say that I LOVE comments left on my blog or my facebook link? It's true...I do...  But, my blogging isn't about trying to get people to read it and say things like I am "amazing" or "so generous" or whatever. It truly started as a way to empty my head out as I process through this foster journey.  (And as a way to keep my family and friends informed of my life without having to talk to them on the phone...they know how much I hate that.) 

I am NOT "amazing" or "generous" or whatever other lovely thing people try to say.  Honestly, I am just the opposite.   (Oh, heavens...if you only knew.  I try to keep the blogs real - but I seem to come out looking way to good sounding too much of the time.)  However, I serve a mighty Lord who is at work in me, at work with these kids, and at work with these families.  This is what God has called me to do - here and now and maybe forever - to care for these little loves who the system decides, for one reason or twenty, that they cannot be/should not be with their parents for now and maybe for more.  I am just one foster mom of many out there who are serving these valuable children and I cannot and would not be able to take one step, one breath any day without my Heavenly Father walking by my side and giving me the strength to do this.